Social workers not supporting a reconciliation

[HopefulConfused]

Hi I’m looking for advice for future and too scared to ask social worker.
My then partner had been removed from our family home due to an incident not long ago where he was under the influence of drink and drugs (he’d been on a night out) he hadn’t slept and came home in the morning not being able to get in. Eventually I’ve answered the door and thinking he’s slept out and had sobered up (id kicked him out the house the night before after a big row) I let him in. He hurled a few nasty comments my way and I lost my temper pushing and shoving him, he retaliated but it wasn’t just pushing and shoving back. He kicked me in the head and flung me about. My two young children saw all this and I had to ring the police. SS became involved and after assessments I am NO risk and my partner HIGH risk. Now I know it was because of the influence of drugs and alcohol as he would never normally get that angry with me. SW has said they are dropping the section 47 and he is still on bail, no contact with the children has been sorted as of yet. She also said she is not supporting a reconciliation as it would just take one incident and she would take legal action. Now my questions are, is there anything he can do to rectify this, is her saying that just for now until he is reassessed and is no longer a risk, is he always going to be a risk in their eyes, would they take legal action to take my children if I so much as get in to a relationship with him even after engaging with SS and the courses he may have to attend and they assess him as no/low risk, or is she saying you could get into a relationship with him again but if one incident happens we will take legal action?
I know I can’t get involved with him right now and don’t intend to, I wouldn’t risk my children.
I just need help understand what she’s saying as I’m too scared to ask just in case she says I’m thinking of getting back with him and decides to take legal action as she’s dropping their involvement on my part. No child in need or child protection has been put in place as they’re happy with me. I’m so confused and wish I could just move on from this mess. I just need to know if their is a chance of rectifying this without putting my children at risk

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear HopefulConfused

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie and I am Family Rights Group’s online adviser. I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your family are currently experiencing. I am also sorry to hear that your (ex) partner severely assaulted you.

You have explained that children’s services became involved following this assault which happened when your partner had been drinking and taking drugs. The police are investigating and he is under bail conditions. Children’s services were so concerned that your children witnessed you being assaulted that they did a child protection investigation.

From the information you provide, children’s services ended the child protection investigation and are not proposing that they remain involved with your family because:

• You protected the children by calling the police
• Your partner is on bail and subject to an ongoing police investigation.
• You are currently separated from him.
• He is not having contact with the children at present.
• You have been assessed as being a protective parent.

You are unsure exactly what the social worker meant when she stated that she would not support you and your partner resuming a relationship as she would take legal action if there was one further incident. I can understand that you are worried to ask her to explain further in case she suspects that you are planning to reconcile. I can suggest what she may have meant however the only way to be properly informed is to discuss this with the social worker directly. When you go through a copy of the assessment that she should provide to you this may also make it clear what the concerns would be and what children’s services would do if your children were exposed to further domestic violence. This should be clearly stated in the analysis and recommendations section of the assessment report. It is important to note that the social worker is making ‘recommendations,’ children's services do not have a legal mandate to impose them as they do not have parental responsibility for the children without a court order. However, if a parent decides not to follow the recommendations this can lead to matters escalating.

It is clear that, at the moment, your partner is considered to present a risk of harm to your children (and you); you state that the social worker has assessed him as a high risk. Children’s services have decided that they do not need to take any further action now as the children are safe in your care. There will need to be further consideration given to safe contact between your partner and the children (if he is their father). Children’s services are likely to have concerns if he had unsupervised contact with the children or returned to the family home.

It is understandable that you have questions about the future, including whether you and your partner can have a future together. These FAQs on domestic abuse for mothers may be helpful to consider. You may find it useful to access some specialist support from a domestic violence service such as those listed here or to participate in a Freedom Programme.

The concerns are about your partner’s abusive behaviour and it is his behaviour which needs to change. As the children’s main carer and protective parent you are being asked to safeguard your children by remaining apart from him.

I think the social worker takes the view that as your partner has been very violent to you, on at least one occasion, in front of the children, then he is likely to be violent again; past behaviour can be seen as a predictor of future behaviour. This would be harmful to the children; please see here for information about how children are harmed by domestic abuse.

You ask if there are things he can do to reduce the risk. Whether or not he accepts responsibility for his actions and is willing to work on this is important. There are steps that he can take, however, the outcome of the criminal investigation will also be relevant as which /when he undertakes a perpetrator programme may depend on whether he is convicted and given a custodial sentence or not. He should take the lead by contacting children’s services to ask that they update him about what they recommend he should do to reduce the risks he currently poses. I would recommend that he considers accessing support around his drug and alcohol use too. We have advice and information for parents with drug and alcohol problems here and tailored FAQs for fathers about domestic abuse here.

I think the social worker wanted to highlight that if you and your partner resumed a relationship (without the agreement of children’s services following a risk assessment which indicated that he no longer presented a serious risk of harm) this would cause such serious concerns for the welfare of the children that they would seek legal advice i.e. have a legal planning meeting to consider if they needed to apply for a court order i.e. to begin care proceedings to protect and possibly remove the children.

It is part of the social worker’s role to communicate clearly with you and explain what she is recommending, why and what action children’s services would take if the recommendations were not kept to or there was a new concern or incident. It is reasonable for you to ask this to be explained more carefully; the social worker should be open to discussing this with you so that you are as informed as possible. She may also encourage you to access independent support and advice.

If you would like to talk this through with an adviser please call our freephone advice helpline on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm. Or post back on this forum if you have a further query.

With best wishes

Suzie

[HopefulConfused]

Hi I'm looking for more advice as in my previous post my ex partner was asked to leave the family home which he did and we didn't contact each other throughout his bail conditions nor did he have any contact with our children throughout.
He tried contacting SS to see what he needs to do to gain contact with our children again and they didn't engage with him. He rang on a few occasions and only managed to speak to someone once yet noone could speak to him and he was told he'd be contacted yet no phone call to him. He asked me for weeks to see the children and as the case was closed I thought it was up to me to decide wether he saw them or not as it was unclear as to what I was supposed to do in this situation months down the line.
He has since been to court over other charges on the day of the dv incident as I dropped the charges on my part knowing police had enough evidence to take him to court on my behalf if the wanted to and I didn't have the energy for court as I'd just lost my sister a week after his bail was lifted. His probation officer has mentioned to social services that he now has some contact with the children and they want to come and see me and the children and I'm petrified as to what this means. Is this normal in this type of situation? I've been told the best thing to do for now by SS is to cut contact until he's been spoken to and things are put in place for him. I'm very confused as to why they'd want to see me and the children as we're not in a relationship and he's not back in the house.
I'm scared I'd be in trouble for allowing him contact without going through them first. Also what are the steps they usually take in these situations?
Thankyou

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear HopefulConfused

Welcome back to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear about your current difficulties. I am also very sorry to hear about your bereavement; please accept my condolences.

Your children’s father has been having some contact with the children. This follows a serious domestic abuse incident last year for which he was arrested and bailed. At that time, he left the home and there was no contact. You did not proceed with the criminal case against him but he did go to court on other charges. He has been working with a probation officer since. The probation officer notified children’s services that their father is having contact with the children. They needed to let children’s services know because of the history of domestic abuse and the previous no contact recommendation.

You are now very worried that children’s services are becoming involved again, they want to see you and the children as well as their father which you don’t understand. You are also worried that you may be criticised for allowing contact once bail was lifted. You say that the children’s father sought clarity from children’s services prior to seeing the children but they did not respond. It would have been a good idea for him to have sought legal advice from a solicitor also rather than putting pressure on you to allow contact without the approval of children’s services.

I think that you have been put in a difficult situation. Children’s services were very concerned about the serious assault your ex-partner inflicted on you last year. They may be concerned that you dropped the charges. They closed the case at a time where there was no contact and he was on bail. They clearly viewed him as posing a risk of harm to the children due to his violence towards you. Both you and the children’s father complied with the recommendations and bail conditions but it seems that he pushed for contact again once the bail conditions ended. You may have been quite vulnerable due to your bereavement. However, there is nothing to suggest that the risk had been reduced. In fact, the criminal case not being pursued may mean that the risk is greater.

It is unfortunate that children’s services did not respond to the children’s father’s attempts to contact them. However, in view of the history they may be concerned that contact began again without their agreement or knowledge. Children’s services are likely to have also expected you, as a protective parent, to have discussed with them your ex-partner’s request for contact. It may be that when they closed the case you did not feel that they provided you with the right support or encouragement to contact them again directly, in this situation. It would have been a good idea for them to have ensured that you had access to special domestic abuse support at the time. I would recommend that you seek this support now.

You (and the children’s father if he has parental responsibility) are the legal decision makers for the children but where there is a serious concern about domestic abuse, children’s services have a role in making recommendations that they want parents to follow, to keep their children safe.

Children’s services now need to do a new risk assessment. Their focus is the children’s welfare which is why they need to risk assess their father but they must also assess the children’s needs and must fully involve you. You explain that although the children’s father had been seeing the children, you have not resumed a relationship and he has not returned to the family home. Children’s services will want to verify this with you and the children to consider if or how safe contact can be arranged.

The important thing now is for you to work openly and honestly with children’s services. And to understand that children's services want to ensure that the children are not put at risk of witnessing or being involved in future domestic abuse.

If he wants contact, their father will also need to be prepared to work with children’s services and cooperate with the risk assessment and any recommendations made. His probation officer’s input may be important too. The father is responsible for his own behaviour and situation. This also includes addressing any drug or alcohol problems. This is up to him.

Your focus is on continuing to care for and safeguard the children. Children’s services have now asked you to stop all contact again until they have assessed. It is important that you do this. You can also ask the social worker to confirm this to the children’s father too so that the onus is not on you to explain to him. The social worker should communicate this directly to him, you can ask them to let you know that they have done this.

You should also ask the social worker to clarify the current process and legal basis for their current involvement e.g. child in need assessment, child protection investigation etc. Ask them to keep you fully informed and updated. This guide to working with a social worker may help.

I am re-posting a link to our domestic abuse materials , for your information.

Please seek further advice as and when you need to. You can post back on this forum, call our freephone advice line on 0808 8010366, Mon to Fri, 9.30 am to 3.00 pm, except bank holidays, use an advice enquiry form or webchat.

I hope this helps.

Take care.

Best wishes

Suzie

[HopefulConfused]

Hi thankyou for replying.
My children are now on a Child in need plan for the time being.
SW made a short term plan for the festive period which was that my ex partner was allowed in the home to see the children as long as one or both of my parents were there. No alcohol to be consumed and not to be intoxicated by substances (I don't drink nor do I take drugs and she knows this explicitly) this was written in such a way that if someone else saw this statement would believe I too do this. That's my first of many concerns over badly written and misleading statements to follow. However we did follow this plan and continue to follow this now.
I was told by SW that she would return on the 8th of January (it is written in the enitial Family plan) and she didn't turn up nor did she engage with me until I rang her on the 12th of Febuary! She stated on the phone that its because she is just not very good (her words), there has been a back log in work, it's just unfortunate that our refferal has come at a busy time i.e the festive period and that it should've been dealt with and the case should've been closed by now with a Family Lead Plan in place for us moving forward.
SW came round on the 14th of Febuary and gave me the assessment and stated that she was handing us over to another SW because she is only from the short term team. I asked what was expected of us and she stated that my ex partner was to do a relationship , drug and alcohol misuse course with his probation worker. Probation has had minimal engagement with SW and didn't know about him having to do this course with her.
I am expected to work with Harbour and so is my older son to make sure I get the help I should've had after the incident and my son gets to speak about his experience just in case its affected him. I was told I had been reffered yet on immediate contact with Harbour they had no recollection of this.
I lost my sister in January 2023 as I previously explained and I did speak to Harbour but nothing come of this. SW wants me to access bereavement support and also told me she made a referral with Teesside Hospice for this. They have a tick box list online to fill out and if you don't meet the criteria they don't help so now I'm at a loss as I've adhered to her recommendations. I've also spoke to another bereavement support group myself to show I am following recommendations. She stated in the assessment that I need to do this so that my grief doesn't affect my children which I've done so since my sister passed away 13 months ago.
I asked SW how long this should all take till this is all dealt with and closed. She told me 12 weeks to do the courses (myself and ex partner) but that it could be done in 6 weeks. I still don't understand why another SW is being assigned if its meant to be done and dealt with in 12 weeks or is this common practice?
I have quite a few issues with the assessment and what is written and id like to know what I can do about this. I have tried calling her countless times, I've left a message stating that i need to speak to her about some of the statements made on the assessment and I've also tried contacting through the Children's Hub but low and behold she's never there or just doesn't answer nor call me back.
First few things on there incorrect are things like where I resided, what my children like and enjoy doing or my ex partners job role. If she can't get things like that right, what else is she getting wrong. I'm concerned that she hadn't written the assessment until I rang her on the 12th of Febuary and it's been rushed due to me ringing me.
Making comments like the children need adults around them that prioritise the children's needs above their own wishes! Now that is an extremely damaging and upsetting statement to read when everything I do, every single day is for my children and always prioritise them above myself. She has no reason to even make that statement about me.
If she is reffering to the relationship that doesn't exist at this moment in time, then she shouldn't be telling both of us that we are allowed in a relationship and this work that needs to be done has to be done regardless of wether we stay seperate or not as in time to come we could decide to reconcile.
She has spoke to my childrens school and nursery. No concerns for my youngest son nor concerns from SW.
My older sons only concern is that he gets over excitable and does swear sometimes. She has wrote that he has hit another child but I don't remember him doing this at school, I do however remember him doing this at nursery but was told by the nursery that I shouldn't worry as this is common in his age group!
Things like me being adopted myself when I was little and the reasons that I THOUGHT I was adopted for has been written. I don't understand how that has any baring on this assessment nor on my parenting or life now as it doesn't affect me.
My youngest son fell in the home when he was 11 months old and learning to walk. Despite telling them how he fell but not seeing exactly what he hit his head on, doctors at the hospital decided to contact police and SS. I was never questioned by police but there was an initial investigation with SS and the hospital did their investigations but couldnt make their minds up (SW words) as to wether this was Accidental or NAI. This was an extremely traumatic experience for me especially but SW was happy to close the case and we went back home. This has also been written in the assessment.
She has written that my relationship with my Maternal family is fractuos? (my mother was just generally chit chatting to her about after loosing my sister that she has had a fall out with my sisters best friends. Their sister is engaged to my brother and the bicker had caused a rift between them..this has absolutely no bearing on me or my children nor does it involve me so shouldn't be written in an assessment.
She has also stated that I haven't got a strong relationship with my adoptive parents. I live about 2 hours away from where they lived and I grew up. I also send letters to my adoptive father but I can't have a strong relationship with my adoptive mother as she died in 2018. SW also knows this as I told her when she came to see how the Family plan went at Christmas.
These are just a few of the many misleading statements made.
I'm disgusted and feel like I have to stand up to them for my children and myself.
I feel like there saying one thing but getting ready to do another.
Sorry for the long Windows essay but I need help woth this pelase

[HopefulConfused]

Just to add more to this.. SW also wrote that I didn't seek information from Claire's Law which I absolutely did. She has stated that C (me) has not sought out Claire's Law for information even though C has been advised to do so. I have emailed the police for my area to confirm I did seek this information and I did have two officers from that section come to my house and disclose information on my ex partner but the information they held was something that I already knew. He told me of an incident with his ex partner and SS were involved with them after they'd split up yet they had a police checked done on me with my agreement for their children to come to my home and were happy for us to start a relationship. This was back in 2018. The police have responded to me saying that I should ring 101 and they should be able to help with my request and I'm guessing they would have call logs to verify my engagement with them over Claire's Law.
I jave also tried ringing the SW yet again today and every time she isn't available.
My ex partner as I previously stated has children from a previous relationship and due to them wanting to safeguard all of his children, they had to do the same assessment on them aswell.
They have now today closed the case for them do why am I being treat differently? I'm starting to feel bullied, intimidated and like I'm having my children stollen slowly. I've done everything they have recommended and more! I don't actually know what to do anymore.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear HopefulConfused,

Thank you for your updating posts and welcome back to the Parents’ Forum.
I will reply to both of your posts in this response.

It seems like the temporary plan for the festive season worked well, but you were then left without word from children’s services about next steps.

I am sorry to hear that you did not hear from the social worker on 8th January as planned and that you had to make contact yourself and did not have a response until 12th February. Children’s services explained that their delay was an oversight due to a backlog of work and closures over the holiday period. It should have been acknowledged that it was very difficult for you to be left in a state of uncertainty for this length of time.

You were told by the social worker that your case should have been closed by now with a Family Lead plan in place for the future. She may have meant that for now your children remain on a Child in Need plan but that it is more appropriate for them to now be supported via Early Help.
It is important that you are clear on which process you are currently in, and when the future plan will be implemented.
You mention that you were given a copy of an assessment when the social worker visited on 14th February. This may have been a Child in Need Assessment but again you should seek clarity on this. You can read information about Child in Need Assessments here.
You should also have been given a copy of the Child in Need Plan. You can read more about these
here
Information about Early Help Assessments is here

You point out that there are factual inaccuracies in the assessment you were given; you feel that it is overly negative and that there are issues included that you do not feel are relevant. Overall you do not feel that the assessment is representative of your family’s strengths and current needs. You also mention that there is to be a change of social worker. I think it is very important that you go through the assessment with the new social worker pointing out the areas that are incorrect, asking for a full explanation as to why some areas have been included and why some strengths within your family have not been described.
It may be that the social worker can explain why historical information has been included, listen to your point of view and correct the inaccuracies. Obviously, very sensitive information has been touched upon in this assessment and it does not appear that you have been given enough time and focus due to the backlog of work.
If you remain dissatisfied after you have had an opportunity to go through the assessment with the social worker you could consider making a formal complaint about the way in which the assessment has been carried out, the delays involved and the misrepresentation. You can read more about Complaints here

You mention that you are unclear about the status of referrals to support organisations for yourself and your son.
You agree that your son needs support to work through his emotional reaction to the domestic violence that he witnessed, and you sound very child-focused and considerate as a parent. You should ask the social worker to clarify whether this referral is now made and what the likely timescales will be.
You also mention that you would welcome bereavement support for yourself but are not clear how this can be accessed. You have made contact with one agency yourself.
Again, I would urge you to talk this over with the social worker. You may also find the AtaLoss website helpful. They are a UK wide bereavement support signposting and information service and they also offer a 6 week online bereavement support programme. You can link to their website here
It’s also important that the social worker liaises well with probation so that your ex-partner is clear on the actions that he is responsible for and where to seek this help.
I hope this advice and information is helpful to you. Please contact us again if you seek further advice in the future. You can post again on this forum or you can contact the Advice Line, submit an email enquiry or talk online with an experienced adviser. Details of these options are here.
Further ways to seek advice from Family Rights Group

Best wishes,

Suzie