Previous children under SGO. Will children's services take another?

[Misunderstoodjourney]

Hi. Just after some advice and support please or anyone with experiences?

I have 2 children (now 9 and 5) who are under a special guardianship to a relative in my ex's side of the family. This was consented end of 2018 when they were 7 and 3 as I was advised it was the best thing to do at the time (instead of contest which I was likely to lose). Heartbreakingly agreed, uneducated and naive at the time.
The daily grief is unbearable but I keep going for them.
It was consented due to a historical domestic abusive relationship and failure to protect. Parenting wasnt an issue but just the protectiveness factor. Pleaded for courses and assistance at the time for reunification but all declined and one outcome was wanted.

Fast forward today...Contact isnt encouraged by the current SG's and I have been legally told this based on info I have passed on and also confirmed with a separate counsellor specialised in childrens trauma. Both have said it's wrong SG's are not being monitored as to what they're saying is true as apparently my children just 'dont want to see me' and this is all I am told. Even though on consent of the SGO it was written contact wood be 4 times per year but could be adjusted as the judge wanted us to equally parent.

I get occasional photos of them and I have had 4 phone calls with my youngest since 2018. Nothing from my eldest at all. I am ever so greatful something is happening. but this wasnt what was said within court when it was all agreed.

I have been to court twice again and each time told court isnt to solve your contact expectations. Where do I go to ensure some contact can get established again?? It has been since 2018 seeing them and the time is going so fast, they are missing out on a relationship with their mum.

Also wrote a letter twice to childrens services, each time I get nothing back. No response also form the partner service CS hand over to. I just get plamed off each time.

As a mum proactively trying to get some form of relationship with her children. Always ignored...
How is this child centred on what's best?

The history stems from their abusive father who is firmly out of the picture and wont ever have anything to do with any of us again.

I have done considerable learning; counselling self funded, freedom programme, pattern changing (all suggested on court psychological report) and requested protective parenting (but I was declined as didnt meet the 7 hours per week contact threshold); self learning through books.

I am exhausted and getting nowhere!

To further this...

I am dead scared that my future wont permit me ever having a future baby with a new partner due to a previous unhealthy relationship which is now firmly behind me.

I have sought answers tirelessly for this answer as I have met somebody new, we have been together a year. He knows about my current children and is understanding, values me and treats me well - healthy.

But when we have spoken about our future, I tend to freeze and explain that I'm not sure about my future regards having a child of our own. Even though I'd love nothing more as my identity was cruelly stolen thanks to the damage my ex-husband caused and my inability to easily leave him at any cost. Which would NEVER ever happen again.

I work full time; permentant, have a nice clean, mortgaged home and have exhausted all options I can to learn from the past and do what was asked of me/address concerns but it's very difficult when no contact is taking place with my current 2 children.

What are the chances based on the above historical info, I'd ever be able to become a mum again?

I am aware due to the past I'd be a 'red flag' on the childrens service system and/ot be subject to a pre birth assessment etc... I have been forever wondering what would happen from there? I cant bear to put another innocent born child, myself or my new partner (who has nothing to do with my past) through the pain I've already had losing my first two children. I'd rather not bother as heartbreaking as it is.

I also wrote this in a letter to childrens services in May 2020 asking what their procedure would be... at the same time as requesting why contact is not taking place with my current 2 - still all ignored, no response unprofessional.

Thank you,
I hope there is a positive story out there as this is all so exhausting.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Misunderstoodjourney

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Board.

I am sorry to read about your difficult contact situation with your children who are under a Special Guardianship Order and are living with their paternal relatives. From what you have written you have asked that the court consider changing the original contact arrangement that was granted to you during the care proceedings but have been unsuccessful. Our advice sheet called Special Guardianship: what does it mean for birth parents? may be helpful to you. Please read page 16 it outlines what support you might get from children’s services.

With regard to your future if you become pregnant children’s services may become involved and a social worker may undertake an assessment. Undertaking an assessment does not mean that a child will be removed from their parent. Additionally both you and your partner will be assessed. You will find some information about assessment in this document called Working Together to Safeguard Children 2018, do start reading from page 27.

I hope this information is useful.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Misunderstoodjourney]

Thank you Suzie. I have just seen your response now.
Those are helpful and I will have a read even further.

I have however recently, managed to talk with my local childrens sevrices who phoned and they have talked me through everything

The current contact I am just taking at my childrens paces as I am understanding how they will have been impacted and feeling from their past trauma of family separation.
It is saddening but afterall , my emotions come secondary to theirs. As long as they are happy and safe, that's what matters to me most as a mum. I will always pay towards them and be here whenever they are ready. If its next week or 3 years time.

As predicted it would be an assessment for sure due to previous relationship factors and risk of harm etc. However a lovely social worker told me that same thing; assessments do not automatically mean removal at birth like I constantly worry about.

She thinks I am not in that category as they look at If baby is safe. There have never been any concerns about safety with me. If not, then other options will be explored for support at that time. Based on past it was my past ex who was the danger and risk so I feel more assured with a clearer picture of the future - my personal relationship at the time will have a huge influence on any assessment outcomes/their decisions which cant/wont happen until a pregnancy happens.

I've been praised for all work done, how I am handling things and that I appear to be doing all the correct things by planning a future, studying courses and not just letting it happen without thinking of the consequences. Fingers crossed I can show that I have definately learned in hindsight and minimise their risk concerns enough should the time come.

Thanks again

[unknownleelee]

hi I’m just looking for some advise really please or to see if anyone can help me as im so stressed my son was taken due to social services when he was 5months old and is now 2 in may he’s on an sgo and lives with his auntie but I share custody she has 51 and I have 49 my son was taken due to domestic abuse with his father and because I didn’t leave but this was due to alcohol and drugs but there was nothing bad about me it was just the relationship I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant again to him there’s been no domestic abuse reports or anything recently where in a stable situation now and things have changed he’s been to jail and sorted his head out is there any chance of us being able to keep my unborn baby by social services or will my baby be taken?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear unknownleelee,

Welcome to the parents' forum and thank you for your post.

You say that your son was removed at 5 months old by children's services. He is now 2 and is under a special guardianship order with his aunty. He was removed due to domestic abuse, alcohol and substance misuse. You have recently found out you are pregnant with your child's father and you would like to know if you would be able to keep this baby. You say that things have changed for the better since your last pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Due to your previous involvement with children's services and the concerns you mention, it is very likely that your midwife will refer you to children's services for a pre-birth assessment. This will involve a social worker finding out a bit more about your current situation, any risks and strengths and the support network you have around you. You can read more about a pre-birth assessment here.

Children's services cannot automatically remove your unborn child because of your son was removed, however they will take into consideration the concerns that led to this. They will want to find out more about how things have changed. Here are some good tips for working with children's services during a pre-birth assessment.

If children's services are worried, they may initiate child protection enquiries. If they are very worried about the safety of your unborn child and think you may not be able to care him at home, they may seek legal advice and initiate pre-proceedings. If this happens, it is very important that you get a solicitor. Remember, children's services cannot remove your child without your consent and will need to go to court if they think this is necessary. You can see here for more information on what children's services may do when they are very worried about an unborn child.

I hope you have found this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie.