Family Rights Group | Parents’ Forum

To be updated...

PSD, you started this thread saying you wanted to be constructive and provide advice on what to do to re-build families affected by online sexual offences. If you look below your first paragraph, there is nothing that provides constructive advice. You talk about yourself and how you are the victim. As an outsider, and a sympathetic one at that, I need to tell you that it reads like you blame everyone but yourself for what has happened and that you show little remorse for what you have done or little understanding of the impact it has had on your ex-wife or children (beyond the offending). Most people would, I think, say that you were lucky that you were seeing your children at all and that that your ex-wife is a saint who is caring admirably for your children under challenging circumstances.

Please. please understand that I know it is painful being separated from your children. It makes you angry, and frustrated, and bitter. I understand that you can commit these offences and not pose a risk to you own children. However, on the surface, given the details of your crime and risk status, it would be difficult to argue for unsupervised contact. The onus is on you to prove that you don't pose risk to your own children forensically and then go from there.

Well says dd

DD2 I admit my post ran aground. I got carried away with the pain and bitterness, which is why I abandoned it only half told.
I utterly dispute that there's no remorse however; it was a huge factor in my suicide attempt and I'm coping with the shame every minute of every day. This is not 'being the victim', this is conscience.
It's just that I'm trying to show what incidents and scenarios you can expect from children's services at each stage, my 'lucky' judgement notwithstanding. But I got that judgement because the judge felt it was justified: I HAVE tried to be constructive in describing, for others facing such charges, HOW I got it. Because that's the starting point in having any hope with social services.
I definitely dispute 'my' effect on my sons. They know me only as a loving father. That is MY effect on THEM. The present effect on my sons is a consequence of the prosecution itself and social services judgements. Yes, I caused the prosecution, and not a day goes by that I don't regret dragging my beloved innocent family into this witch hunt - and it IS that. It's both at the same time - ie I'm guilty, I've behaved terribly, but it IS a witch hunt too. That's not a contradiction. We are all responsible for our actions, and that includes the various authorities who must respond to these types of offences. They do so with ignorance; our society's understanding of internet offences is in the dark ages (rather like understanding of homosexuality used to be, ie it doesn't mean they're liable to make grabs for unconsenting men or boys just because of their disposition). This should not seem an outlandish thing to say, as after all the internet itself is only about 30 years old, the first attempts to tackle the IOC problem is even more recent (Ore, in about 2,000) and all so-called research cannot possibly have revealed the truths of how offensive uses of it pan out (or don't) and how they relate to risk in the community towards children (or don't). Decisions and management are not set in stone - the wording of SHPO's demonstrate that - yet the social services take the most draconian course almost always it seems, and the process is riddled with incompetence and ludicrous bureaucracy.
Yes, it's my fault for getting us into this mess in the first place, but two wrongs don't make a right.
It's unconscionable that I, or Seadog's partner, cannot even speak to our kids on the phone. After all this time (2 years in my case) there's no justification for them holding onto any idea there could be risk in that. It's ludicrous and penalizes my kids as much as me, yet it's supposed to be about child welfare at the end of the day. The details of my offences are known by thorough investigation - not involving my own kids or any contact whatsoever - and I've done months of good work attested by my current probation officer.
Also, I'm well aware of the effect of my conviction on my wife: She does not deserve this and this is in fact my biggest remorse of the lot. I truly believe she is my biggest 'victim', in a more direct, linkable way than the children in the images. This is why I wait and wait patiently, I do not pressure her, out of respect I leave her alone and accept whatever contact she gives me. This does not mean I like it. It's agony, and that's why I vent off here. In the 'real world', so to speak, I am simply doing what I can; every course requested of me, every condition adhered to, no re-offences, no INTEREST in reoffending, for nigh on 3 years now, no sodding VICTIMS anywhere to be seen in any minutiae of what I do (the only ones being my sons on account of CS's decisions) - what more does anybody want?! - save for the need to punish. It's as if the lust to punish the offender is so high amongst the authorities and public that nobody cares about the children being bereft of Dad, and that Dad is perfectly safe. And I'm meanwhile making amends to my wife in the only way I can: Non-complaint, giving her all the space she needs, endlessly it feels. A huge point of bitterness in this, as with other posters on this topic who so vividly describe it, is that the social services to all intents and purposes 'harass' attitudes out of the affected spouses, confuse and divide and disrupt the rehabilitative and reconciliation process. This is not in the interests of the children, although CS claim it is because of a misinformed and draconian interpretation of risk.
The true fact of the matter is that I and I am sure other offenders on this forum are continually coping with the remorse of the offences and bitterness at the safeguarding system equally. It's no contradiction; in fact the system works against rehabilitation due to this, because the immense pain at missing one's own children pushes out the remorse: the human mind can only contain so much emotion. A weak character would reach straight back to the offences as a painkiller (similar to how drug abuses work) - it's well known that depression is a big factor, and due credit is just not given for the element of mental illness in IOC offences.
The system makes things worse not better, and that includes for everyone, ie the child victims too. I guarantee you I will be rehabilitated - in fact AM, and am zero risk right now because I simply want my life back and hate what I did - but more importantly (as it's all that actually matters rather than what really is) I will prove it by getting to low risk in the authorities' eyes, as one of the appalling prejudices of the system is that a 'zero risk' option is not offered, not matter what.
However, I'll get there in spite of the system not because of it, to be brutally honest. I wish all the other distraught and ashamed offenders the same strength, and the collaterally damaged families who are trying to support and reconcile them in the face of social services narrow-mindedness and frankly 'in'expertise.
I do accept my guilt, and would prove it by volunteering to have a hand sliced off as punishment instead of this madness. It would be a more humane, advanced and effective way (deterrent value - if you reoffend you lose the other hand!) of dealing with these offences than the many consequences above and beyond court that we are actually made to suffer. I am perfectly serious about that.