Not allowed to live with my partner ?
Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:29 pm
Hi all, This is my first post, I'll try to keep this brief but feel it's important to cover all as much as I can.
I've joined as I can't seem to find any help on line. I've tried criminal Solicitors and they say sorry, can't help try a family law solicitor and you've guessed it, they say sorry can't help try a criminal solicitor.
I was convicted of a non contact indecent image offence in September 2014 and served two years in custody and two years on licence in the community. My licence expires on 25/09/18 and then a SOPO takes over along my life SOR.
I pleaded guilty from the off set and whilst in Custody enrolled myself on an SOTP course which lasted 6 months and a TSP (Thinking skill program). Both courses where amazing and helped me understand where I was mentally when offending, the impact on others and the strength to move forward in a positive way and provided me with the tools to enable me to identify the first stages of offending and a route to take and help to seek should this ever happen again which I am confident it won't.
At the time of my offending, I was in a very dark place, suffering with severe depression, feeling lost, isolated and not knowing which way to turn. My wife of almost 25 years had an affair and I was struggling with this and the fact my Son, (now 13) was then living with her and her new partner. I tried to move on but I constantly questioned my new life with my partner (at the time of offending) and knew I wasn’t happy but felt I had no way out. This of course is absolutely no excuse for my actions which I deeply regret and will for the rest of my life. I really can’t stress this enough.
I met my new partner in January 2014 where we met for a quick coffee. This quick coffee ended up lasting most of afternoon and into the evening. We got on so well and had an instant connection. We continued to date for several months growing closer all the time and all the time I was living with my passed and my pending prison sentence hidden. In April of the same year, I decided that I couldn’t live with this any longer and disclosed my offence to her. This wasn’t an easy conversation but I knew we were growing closer and I couldn’t hide things any longer. After I disclosed, my partner and I had some time apart as I felt she needed some time out to digest things and make the right decisions uninfluenced. To be honest, I expected her to run for the hills, I knew I would.
After a few days we met and spoke again and talked lots over the following days and weeks about my offending, the people I’d hurt.
I knew that if I our relationship was going to stand any chance, I’d needed to be as open and honest as I could and answer any questions truthfully as I couldn’t see this woman hurt again and couldn’t live with things unsaid or hidden.
She made the choice to remain by my side and support me moving forward and we chose very early to disclose my offence to her immediate family including her parents, sister and both daughters. This was very hard and I expected the worst but again being open and honest, talking and answering any questions was the way forward and her family remain supportive throughout, they have been amazing standing by us during my sentence and have since worked with us in terms of my licence conditions and impending SOPO and have all assisted in working to the recommendations regarding contact set by Social Services and the conditions of my licence.
During my time in custody I enrolled myself on several courses that were available for people with my convictions which were SOTP (Sex offenders Treatment Programme) and TSP (Thinking skills programme).
Since my release we have worked alongside Probation, the Police PPU department and Social services to ensure that all my conditions and recommendations are adhered to. Today and moving forward we will always consider others and situations that may arise and if we are in any doubt we will ether refrain from or amend any plans or seek advice for PPU beforehand, this is part of our lives now.
I am by no means proud of my offense, in fact I remain disappointed with myself and I live with this and the pain and distress I have put others through. I can’t take that back or turn back time. I am however, very proud of where I am today and how far I have come in my journey to turn my life around. In my mind, there is no going back to that place but should for any reason, however slight I start to find myself going down that road, I feel I have the confidence, the tools and support from family, friends and professionals and I will not be scared to call on them
My partner has stood by me from the start as have her family as well as mine and are all fully aware of my offence. She has two daughters 24 and 28 who don't live at home and the 28 year old has two daughters aged 6 and 3 months that I have had little to no contact with.
As my licence is coming to an end I advised my Probation officer on the 10/07/18 of my intention to move in with her who then sent a referral to Social Services at the beginning of August. Since this date I have been living in hotel accommodation as I wasn't advised of the full process and handed in the notice on my rented property. *** lives in a 1 bedroom flat in an adult only 4 flat block.
Unfortunately both Probation and the Police has been less than forthcoming with any guidance or support from the start. We are now in a situation where a Social worker has been instructed and has already interviewed my partner, Daughte,and myself separately.
Our first concern is that during the interviews with my partner and her daughter he not only relayed the facts of my conviction which of course they already know but has also openly tried to influence both my partner and her daughter and given his unfavorable opinion of me, suggesting that I am mentally unstable, that a leopard doesn't change his spots and that I wont change, he feels that I have brain washed the whole family and he intends to make my partner choose between her family or me. This is just a few remarks like this he has made.
My question is, can he openly be seen to do this or is he supposed to stay impartial and keep to the facts to enable him to make an unbiased report and recommendation?
Our second concern is that he has told me that even when my Licence expires on 24/09/18, I still won't be able to reside with my partner until he has fishtailed his report but has refused to confirm what grounds or law I will be breaking. We have been searching the internet and found a number of scenarios where social services have made a couple with children living under the same roof choose between the children or the relationship but nothing in terms of our situation where my partner isn't the primary carer and the children are not under her roof. It seems that the social worker is doing his best to stretch this to cover our case.
Our final concern is that the social worker is insisting my offence is disclosed to my partners ex husband. He's known to be violent, the police have been called in relation to previous domestic violence when they were together and he was our main suspect when our cars were vandalized, although this remains unproven.
At the moment my partner has no contact with him and he has minimal contact with his daughters and granddaughters however, he has recently been seeking information from the daughters as to were my partner is living, if she's with me and if it's a house, flat etc.. As far as I know, the girls haven't told him anything.
We are concerned that the social workers approach is to let everyone know for the sake of child protection (which of course we fully appreciate) regardless of the implications that may result for any 3rd party, in this case my partner and I. Her ex is known to be very volatile and both my partner and I are concerned that should he find out we and especially me will be targeted violently if not by him by someone he has instructed which we feel will happen without doubt. Basically, if he is advised, we or I alone will have to move out of the area for our own safety.
We have been advised that there is a professional meeting planned to discuses our case and I'm concerned that this issue will be underestimated and we don't really have anyone to fight our corner and ensure that I'm also protected in any recommendations or plans.
We respect that there may be protection rules in place as we have been working with these for the last two years. All we want is to move forward together, living within any guidelines even if this means that I don't have any contact with the children.
I am not proud of my offence, I was in such a low place at that time but I am proud of how far I've come and how I have managed to turn my life around. I just want a chance.
We would really appreciate any advise you can offer.
*** amended by Suzie to maintain confidentiality
I've joined as I can't seem to find any help on line. I've tried criminal Solicitors and they say sorry, can't help try a family law solicitor and you've guessed it, they say sorry can't help try a criminal solicitor.
I was convicted of a non contact indecent image offence in September 2014 and served two years in custody and two years on licence in the community. My licence expires on 25/09/18 and then a SOPO takes over along my life SOR.
I pleaded guilty from the off set and whilst in Custody enrolled myself on an SOTP course which lasted 6 months and a TSP (Thinking skill program). Both courses where amazing and helped me understand where I was mentally when offending, the impact on others and the strength to move forward in a positive way and provided me with the tools to enable me to identify the first stages of offending and a route to take and help to seek should this ever happen again which I am confident it won't.
At the time of my offending, I was in a very dark place, suffering with severe depression, feeling lost, isolated and not knowing which way to turn. My wife of almost 25 years had an affair and I was struggling with this and the fact my Son, (now 13) was then living with her and her new partner. I tried to move on but I constantly questioned my new life with my partner (at the time of offending) and knew I wasn’t happy but felt I had no way out. This of course is absolutely no excuse for my actions which I deeply regret and will for the rest of my life. I really can’t stress this enough.
I met my new partner in January 2014 where we met for a quick coffee. This quick coffee ended up lasting most of afternoon and into the evening. We got on so well and had an instant connection. We continued to date for several months growing closer all the time and all the time I was living with my passed and my pending prison sentence hidden. In April of the same year, I decided that I couldn’t live with this any longer and disclosed my offence to her. This wasn’t an easy conversation but I knew we were growing closer and I couldn’t hide things any longer. After I disclosed, my partner and I had some time apart as I felt she needed some time out to digest things and make the right decisions uninfluenced. To be honest, I expected her to run for the hills, I knew I would.
After a few days we met and spoke again and talked lots over the following days and weeks about my offending, the people I’d hurt.
I knew that if I our relationship was going to stand any chance, I’d needed to be as open and honest as I could and answer any questions truthfully as I couldn’t see this woman hurt again and couldn’t live with things unsaid or hidden.
She made the choice to remain by my side and support me moving forward and we chose very early to disclose my offence to her immediate family including her parents, sister and both daughters. This was very hard and I expected the worst but again being open and honest, talking and answering any questions was the way forward and her family remain supportive throughout, they have been amazing standing by us during my sentence and have since worked with us in terms of my licence conditions and impending SOPO and have all assisted in working to the recommendations regarding contact set by Social Services and the conditions of my licence.
During my time in custody I enrolled myself on several courses that were available for people with my convictions which were SOTP (Sex offenders Treatment Programme) and TSP (Thinking skills programme).
Since my release we have worked alongside Probation, the Police PPU department and Social services to ensure that all my conditions and recommendations are adhered to. Today and moving forward we will always consider others and situations that may arise and if we are in any doubt we will ether refrain from or amend any plans or seek advice for PPU beforehand, this is part of our lives now.
I am by no means proud of my offense, in fact I remain disappointed with myself and I live with this and the pain and distress I have put others through. I can’t take that back or turn back time. I am however, very proud of where I am today and how far I have come in my journey to turn my life around. In my mind, there is no going back to that place but should for any reason, however slight I start to find myself going down that road, I feel I have the confidence, the tools and support from family, friends and professionals and I will not be scared to call on them
My partner has stood by me from the start as have her family as well as mine and are all fully aware of my offence. She has two daughters 24 and 28 who don't live at home and the 28 year old has two daughters aged 6 and 3 months that I have had little to no contact with.
As my licence is coming to an end I advised my Probation officer on the 10/07/18 of my intention to move in with her who then sent a referral to Social Services at the beginning of August. Since this date I have been living in hotel accommodation as I wasn't advised of the full process and handed in the notice on my rented property. *** lives in a 1 bedroom flat in an adult only 4 flat block.
Unfortunately both Probation and the Police has been less than forthcoming with any guidance or support from the start. We are now in a situation where a Social worker has been instructed and has already interviewed my partner, Daughte,and myself separately.
Our first concern is that during the interviews with my partner and her daughter he not only relayed the facts of my conviction which of course they already know but has also openly tried to influence both my partner and her daughter and given his unfavorable opinion of me, suggesting that I am mentally unstable, that a leopard doesn't change his spots and that I wont change, he feels that I have brain washed the whole family and he intends to make my partner choose between her family or me. This is just a few remarks like this he has made.
My question is, can he openly be seen to do this or is he supposed to stay impartial and keep to the facts to enable him to make an unbiased report and recommendation?
Our second concern is that he has told me that even when my Licence expires on 24/09/18, I still won't be able to reside with my partner until he has fishtailed his report but has refused to confirm what grounds or law I will be breaking. We have been searching the internet and found a number of scenarios where social services have made a couple with children living under the same roof choose between the children or the relationship but nothing in terms of our situation where my partner isn't the primary carer and the children are not under her roof. It seems that the social worker is doing his best to stretch this to cover our case.
Our final concern is that the social worker is insisting my offence is disclosed to my partners ex husband. He's known to be violent, the police have been called in relation to previous domestic violence when they were together and he was our main suspect when our cars were vandalized, although this remains unproven.
At the moment my partner has no contact with him and he has minimal contact with his daughters and granddaughters however, he has recently been seeking information from the daughters as to were my partner is living, if she's with me and if it's a house, flat etc.. As far as I know, the girls haven't told him anything.
We are concerned that the social workers approach is to let everyone know for the sake of child protection (which of course we fully appreciate) regardless of the implications that may result for any 3rd party, in this case my partner and I. Her ex is known to be very volatile and both my partner and I are concerned that should he find out we and especially me will be targeted violently if not by him by someone he has instructed which we feel will happen without doubt. Basically, if he is advised, we or I alone will have to move out of the area for our own safety.
We have been advised that there is a professional meeting planned to discuses our case and I'm concerned that this issue will be underestimated and we don't really have anyone to fight our corner and ensure that I'm also protected in any recommendations or plans.
We respect that there may be protection rules in place as we have been working with these for the last two years. All we want is to move forward together, living within any guidelines even if this means that I don't have any contact with the children.
I am not proud of my offence, I was in such a low place at that time but I am proud of how far I've come and how I have managed to turn my life around. I just want a chance.
We would really appreciate any advise you can offer.
*** amended by Suzie to maintain confidentiality