Protection order

[niceff]

I am seeking advice and direction for my family situation.

I am separated from my wife and have been living apart for 4 1/2 years. I intend to seek a divorce next year after 5 years of separation.

We have 3 children aged 33 (male), 22 (female), and 15 years (male).

The immediate cause of my concern is to obtain a protection order or restraining order against my eldest son, to protect my youngest son from threats and acts of aggression.

My wife is not in agreement with me about this course of action. She sympathises with our older son who is struggling to get on his feet.

My older son easily becomes aggressive and abusive, especially around family, but refuses to seek support. He is also a regular cannabis user which may be affecting things. About 5 years ago I reported him for abuse towards me, and he got a criminal record for this, which was tough because it affected his working opportunities (he has no passport and was unable to apply for one due to having a criminal record). On the other hand he does lose his temper regularly and becomes abusive and aggressive, and although he does not live at the family home, he often gets angry with his mum or other siblings when he visits there (for example this happened at Christmas, which spoiled the occasion for his siblings).

An incident took place last week on 27th July, and was reported to the police. On this occasion our younger son experienced aggression and was threatened by his brother. I supported our son to report this matter to the police, although I was not present when they visited as I work away from the area. When the police visited, my wife persuaded them not to press charges since she had obtained a promise from our older son that he would not visit when the younger was at home (our younger son goes away to boarding school during term time).

I am in two minds about this outcome. None of us wants to press criminal charges against my eldest son, especially as this was done before and caused him such hardship. But I personally think that doing nothing is wrong, and that something more needs to be done to establish safe and firm boundaries in this situation (my daughter is in agreement about this).

I would like to ask for some direction and advice around these issues

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear niceff

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thanks for posting.

You are concerned about the abuse that your youngest son is experiencing from his older brother. As your son is only 15 and a child, you could consider whether to obtain a non-molestation order against your older son to safeguard your 15 year old.

There seems to be a safeguarding issue for your 15 year old and I am surprised that the police have not already made a referral to children’s services because of the abuse to your 15 year old child. The fact that your wife does not want action to be taken to protect the 15 year old is likely to be of concern to children’s services. Please see our advice sheet An introductory guide to Children’s Services which explains what happens when a referral is made to children’s services.

It seems your old son needs to have some kind of intervention for his abusive behaviour and perhaps you can suggest that he engage with a drug and alcohol service to address his drug use or ask his GP to refer him for anger management.

Since your older son is 33 your responsibility lies with your son who is still a child. Your 33 year old son needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Your younger son could inform his school about what he is suffering at home and if he were to do so, the school might make a referral to children’s services.

It is possible for you to have your 15 year old son spend his holidays with you. If his mother is not in agreement then you could apply to the court for a child arrangement order for him to live with you. You may wish to consider this option to protect your son from further abuse.

Our service advises when children’s services are involved and in your case they have not become involved but I hope the above is helpful to you.

Best wishes

Suzie

[niceff]

Dear Suzie,

Thank you for your helpful reply.

Your mention of applying for a non-molestation order confirms what I have heard from other sources, and I have already instructed a solicitor and am awaiting a hearing date.

We did have contact from Children's Services following the Police incident, and the Social Worker recommended a Safety Plan for my younger son, in addition to our application to the court for a protection order.

I have also been in touch with my younger son's school and they may be able to provide some pastoral support for him.

I appreciate what you have said about my older son needing some kind of intervention - at present our relationship is a bit estranged, but I hope to have the opportunity to propose that he might engage with a drug and alcohol service, and / or a referral for anger management.

I was unclear about the parameters of the Family Rights Group, and appreciate your clarification about this, and the support you have given.

Best regards

Niceff