New partners children on plan.

[Tasnh12]

Hello,

I met the most wonderful man and started dating him in September. He'd been separated for 4 months. Everything was amazing he was a gentleman and so kind and funny and hopeful. I met his mum after 2 weeks and she became my very, very dear friend.

3/4 weeks in the mother of his 5 adolescent  children & 1 step daughter with 2 infants is taken to hospital. She's a bipolar alcoholic and went on a bender for 2 weeks without taking her medication. She went missing and was found in the local park having slit her wrists, this had happened a few times before apparently so whilst I was in shock he was numb to it and was more worried about his kids and me. He told me that he had to block her 2 weeks prior as she wouldn't leave him alone, she would call and send abusive messages late into the night. She was taken to hospital and later moved to a mental hospital.

He was no Angel he had a cocaine and alcohol problem and was 9 months sober when we met.

1 of his children was already on a protection plan due to taking overdoses. As she was the main carer for the children he was given the option of going back to care for the children or have them split and put into care. He chose to move back while she was in hospital.

2/3 weeks into her hospital stay she discharged herself from hospital. The house the children live in belong to her and at the time of discharge she was not allowed to be left alone with the children so. He had to stay. After a child services meeting where he explained that he had a partner he was asked to stay at the home to care for the children until she was deemed fit and returned to work. This was late September to mid October. 

I have fibromyalgia and was signed of work for 7 weeks. He was signed off also to take care of the children. This was nice as our relationship grew while the children were at childminders/nursery  and at school we would spend a couple of hours together. However he started to change he became very, very down his confidence was awful he would insult himself constantly and trying to get him to be optimistic wasn't happening. 

I instantly connected with him and his situation, my mother is bipolar and was an alcoholic. When I was a child she was very abusive both physically and mentally towards me and my sister's. I was in a controlling relationship with a narcissist who would candle light I ended up in a mental hospital because I was made to feel like such a burden I kept trying to take my own life, I  was fairly successful but the paramedics revived me. I also have a son of my ow who 2014 - 2016 was on a child protection plan. .

February roles round and whilst I  love him my attitude was if I see him/hear from him the I see him/hear from him. He left again and went to his mum's but went on a bender I was fuming she was the one adult constant in my life. So I said if your miserable stay away from that woman's house set yourself up, stay here, stay at you dad's but don't mess your  mum about (she had become ill) if any thing happens to her I won't forgive you. He was great after this we were great he stayed at mine twice with my son present. (I finish work at 5, pick son up get him for half 5. We then do home work or tv. Then bath then bed for 7. So there was no time for much interaction. My son knows him as my friend, again in I don't look xxx in the eyes, kiss, hug or anything like that in front of my son, xxxis the same. My son  is only 5 there is no need to do such things at this time.) He stayed because I asked him and I asked him because he was low and not at his mum's. We were supposed to spend Valentine's day together he 're booked for 15th. It was lovely but he was very low. I was on the phone to his mum on the 19th and she said what's your plans for the night then guy's. I thought that he was with he so I just said I don't know. I then rang him and it turned out that he had been staying at the mother of his children house all week. On the 14th Feb his son had a dental appointment and they were told he would need surgery on his teeth. His son was in so much agony that he would let him leave. I  understood this and was more then ok with it but he lied to me and his mum about his whereabouts, the only two people he didn't have to lie to. Any way I told him that it was best that he focus on him, his happiness and the kids. I wished him well and we stayed friends and in contact.

From then on we only saw each other when I was at his mum's for my tea or when she and I were handing out. I was at his mum's 14th April for Sunday dinner with my son and one of his daughters was staying over. I was introduced as her friend which was true. W/c 1st of April I go a phone call from his mum which isn't like her as I  ring her normally . Any way she is really worried about him as he turned up at her door. Apparently he was at xxxxxxxxxx, he rang the mother of his children to ask if their son wanted to collect eggs from the allotment,  she said no but bring wine. He said he wasn't going to then when he got back she launched into him whilst she wasn't violent, his mum said he had tears in his eyes and was shaking for ages. She asked me to not say I  had talked to her but see if I could be there as a friend. So I  left it a day or two then messaged him to see if he was ok, he was by that point. I  asked him if he wanted to go out (just as friends nothing in it) for his birthday. His birthday was xxxxxxxxl, the only child free weekend I had in April was bank holiday weekend (I refuse and always have/probably will to drink in front of my son or allow him to see me smoke  my mum was an alcoholic I don't want my son to see me like that only exception  is one drink with a meal if out and when with family at weddings or birthdays, this is because someone normally stays sober to look after the children and he is asleep by the time I start drinking). So on good Friday we went for dinner as friends (have was staying at mine but that's cause his mum and dad live in xxxxxxxxxx there was flirting and I  do love him but it was fine. We were sat laughing and my original happy go lucky funny guy makes and appearance. That is until some lady walked past stopped by our table and said "Hi xxxxx, having a good night are ya." She glanced me up and down then left. Not even an hour later his phone started to go crazy the mother of the children send him a vile message and on Facebook our picture had been taken from across the bar by the lady who said hello to xxxxx she was the mother of his children's step sister. He had phone calls from her, messages from his  teenage daughters and missed calls from them. I  had a rather nasty message from the mother of his children myself. She claimed he was having an affair with me which started when she was in hospital and that she was heartbroken. She received loads of sympathy and the where plenty of insults for me and him.

At this stage it was assumed by everyone but us that we were in a relationship again so we both pretty much said the sh@#$ hit the fan they already assume so why should we miss each other any more. The rest of the evening was great as we laughed at the messages and drank fancy cocktails.

In her message to me she said (as well as many other things) enjoy having his kids every other weekend. So that following weekend I met with him at his mum's and me, my son, his twins and his lad had a beautiful day out. His lad and my son hung out at the park as I chased after them while he looked after the 2 year old twins, we all then played in the soft play area.


Any way he took his children back and with in the hours was bombarded with abusive phone calls and messages as she had interrogated their son and found out I was there. I received a pm on Facebook and was shown the messaged insulting me. 


Now she threatens him saying that he can't see the children because I am about but then he can see them. She says the nan can't see them that the nan is a liar because she introduced me as a friend to his teenage daughter. She says that I  can't have contact with the children until she has had me vetted.

So I  am totally up for that, I  think once that's done she'll not have a reason to complain. So I was thinking of writing a letter to the social worker.

Is this a good idea? 
Or can they do checks and things without me? 
What would you advise I say and do? 
What information should I shouldn't I share with them?
Can they contact my son's dad as I don't want this because he and I are only civil about our son.
In one of he has messages she said they were interested to know I don't have some custody of my son, would this make me look bad? 


Also please advise how I tell my son and his father I am in a new relationship? His father will be hurt and jealous our son will have questions and I don't want him to be confused as he is obsessed with the idea that I am married to his father (we were never married his dad told him that we were) so I don't want to up set him.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Tasnh12

Welcome to the Parents Forum and I am sorry for the delay in responding to your questions.

I can see that you are a mum of a 5 year old son and his dad has contact with him. You split from dad due to the domestic violence you suffered. There had been a child protection plan but this was closed and I assume children services are no longer involved with your son.

You have a new partner who has 5 children, 1 step daughter who has 2 children of her own. He has been going through an extremely difficult separation and his partner has suffered from serious health issues during this time. He was the main carer of his children when mum went into a psychiatric hospital. Mum is now back home and is the main carer of the children. Mum seems to change her mind a lot about whether or not he can have contact with them. Children services are currently involved with the family. You mention one of them is on a child protection plan.

You have asked some questions and I will attempt to answer them.

You want to write to children services to put yourself forward be vetted or assessed by them as you see the children and want to know whether this is a good idea.
Usually, when there is a child protection plan, children services will consider assessing people who the child comes into contact with –particularly overnight. I assume your partner (or the mother) has told children services about you. If they want to assess you, they will contact you. So there is no need to put your name forward. Just let mum and dad know you are willing to be assessed.

Children services need your consent to be assessed. If they decided to assess you, then ask them what it would involve. There would be background checks such as against children services file and the police records. I can see you suffered mental health difficulties in the past so they may want to know about your current health, for example.
If you agree to an assessment then be open and honest about your relationship. If they wanted to contact anyone such as your GP (get to see the letter they propose to send to your GP to see if you agree).
No they would not contact your son’s dad in these circumstances. Only if they thought your partner was a risk to your son so were assessing you and your son, would they want to speak to dad.

I’m not sure what you mean about only having some custody of your son Is that shared care with his dad? That is a normal type of situation and does not mean it is worrying.

I cannot advise how best to tell your son and his dad about your new relationship but you could try Family Lives .
However, if you are worried dad could be domestically abusive to you, please get support and advice from your local domestic abuse services or from a domestic violence support organisation such as Refuge before you tell him. The risk to you and your son may increase at this time.

I can see it is a worrying time for you. I hope my advice helps but if you need further please post again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Tasnh12]

Thank you Suzie,

I have nothing to hide and I feel it unfair that the mother of my partners children is banning then unbanning him/me from seeing the children, until I have been checked out. This is why I wanted to initiate contact with the social worker. The mother has repeatedly claimed the social worker wishes to have contact with me to check me out. Yet neither my partner or I have been contacted. It's a bit frustrating.

Child services are no longer involved with mine and my ex partners son. So I understand that they won't need to be in contact with my sons dad, thank you for clarifying this.

Myself and my sons dad share custody of our child. My partners ex has said that social services said this was weird and suspicious. But surely they would approve of a child staying in equal contact with both their parents?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Tasnh12

Thank you for your further post.

Whilst you may think it unfair that the mother of your partner’s children refuses for you to have contact with her children until checks have been carried out, this may be because children’s services have suggested this.

I am not sure that children’s services would share information about you and your son’s father in this way. You mention shared custody, as previously stated, this would mean that your son lives with each of you. For example one week with you and one with dad or you share the week. It may be that this is the arrangement or that you both share parental responsibility, which is the rights and duties that a parent have for their child. See our advice sheet Parental Responsibility. In any case, there is nothing weird or unusual in separated parents having shared custody as you call it.

Regarding your partner and contact with his children, if he is unhappy with the way things are at the moment, he could make an application to the court for a child arrangement order. He would be able to get advice about this private law application from Child Law Advice on 0300 330 5480.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie