my story and advice

tryingtoheal
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Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:06 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by tryingtoheal » Mon Dec 03, 2018 7:12 pm

Well had school meeting, they confirmed it was not a parents evening I missed and was back when my daughter first started and didn't have my contact details. They confirmed they meet my daughter weekly and ask how she is feeling and if she wants to talk about anything.....they did suggest I seek advice maybe to consider court order being amended for deadline to introduce contact again, maybe fathers for families support phone call or ultimately going back to court and asking this happen......I just dont know what to do other than keep doing all I am.

PerfectlySafeDad
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Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Mon Dec 03, 2018 9:04 pm

This is probably not helpful, but in imo your human rights are being crapped on, by one agency after another. It's like a domino effect of bureaucracy and back-covering from one to the next, with nobody able to take it by the scruff of the neck in a humane, rational and effective way because everything is so layered and convoluted.
'One' indecent image, to which you confessed to and have addressed as openly and strongly as any person could do? The sheer mean-spirited, cowardly and ignorant nature of the safeguarding system beggars belief. Can nobody understand how easy it can be to access an indecent image, with the internet being what it is today, if a guy is going through a tough time, in the context of a (perfectly legal) wider porn addiction. Half of these porn sites boast and tempt with 'barely legal' or 'just 18' or 'sexy teen' slogans ffs, and then if you do overstep the mark and get caught you are forever blacklisted as fundamentally flawed, weird and 'dangerous', a creature from Neptune?
Whilst it's easy to offend (which I know for a fact they agree, but then only use this as a reason to argue 'risk'), it is equally easy not to, ever again, once hit by the shame of it. Most IoC offenders only need a short, sharp shock to stop (exactly as you got), not even prosecution (which is disturbingly close to state torture of mental illness), and followed up by support, which you have willingly engaged in to the hilt, preferably with family integration and rebuilding - for which you are dependent on other people in the community plus (biggest problem of all) the local authorities and family courts.
In short, the witch hunt it has all become contrives to shut you down from meaningful rehabilitation, whether with your ex-family or a new one. Is it any wonder people re-offend - if hope is denied - even though the re-offence rate for IoC is still far lower than anybody seems to understand. About 20% in the highest figure published, but 2% in another reputable one - needless to say, with a superficial and prejudiced understanding - CS would take the higher figure.
At any rate, on top of all this, in case after case the offending behaviour never even related to day to day contact with kids let alone those of the family. To all intents and purposes, we're punished for crimes not committed, but something we 'might do'. I can't believe this is allowed in the 21st century. It's indefensible draconianism, I don't even know why there's a debate.
All I can suggest is just keep incontrovertible written proof of the rehabilitative measures you've taken, if possible with a lawyer who best knows how to utilize them, and if you're off the register in a year (coupled with the measures) surely there's a case to be treated like any free adult, and it's harassment if you're not.

tryingtoheal
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Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:06 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by tryingtoheal » Mon Dec 03, 2018 9:32 pm

I agree with all you say, I have tried so hard and dont try to minimise my offence, far from it, I take complete responsibility, I shouldnt have done what i did and i am paying the price for an ex who was already trying to control and manipulate my kids, together with her family, who funnily enough are doing the same to my other ex family member and denying him access to his daughter, albeit he hasnt done anything wrong.

The school hands are doing all they can but seem tied with even forcing the question to my daughter. My ex is in complete control with me seeing my kids again and they in the mean time are being brain washed with how i should not be seen with them again........Surely if I have done all i can with rehabilition, modules and counselling, gone through right processes to gain access to my kids, surely but surely, something has to break and the chain reaction of my kids wanting to see me happens. I am off the register within 11 months today to be exact and i know I will never go back on, I was lucky i feel that it could have been so much worse......but surely my kids need their father in their lives and want to know him......thats the bit that really is hard to accept that i cant influence that side of things currently.

PerfectlySafeDad
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Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Tue Dec 04, 2018 1:14 pm

Things will get better with time. A person never forgets a parent, it's a fairly basic concept in anyone's life! Even if they hardly see them, or even if they've never known them, they are going to want to meet their parent. Even if they've heard lots of bad stuff, they're going to want to decide for themselves and get to know him. In fact, at times they'll get sick of the parent they live with, especially by teenagehood, it's human nature. So that will push them even more to wanting to see the parent they've been denied. No authority or person can succeed in brainwashing them, they'll question everything sooner or later. As a person grows up they want support and love, and they take stock of who are their key figures in life, so they're going to want to know you don't worry about that. The difficulty for people in our position is just time, especially if the kids are very young. They're as helpless and oppressed as us, but it'll change.

tryingtoheal
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:06 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by tryingtoheal » Tue Dec 04, 2018 4:04 pm

thank you, thats really encouraging and helpful advice, I had a very strong bond with both my kids, my son states he is too angry to want to have contact, even though I did nothing to him other than for him to see my ex and me end our marriage in a bad way. yet he states it was an incident where I treated his mum badly (although he wasnt there at the time) this suggests he is being told things. My daughter I think will be key as she is the one who wants to see me(albeit currently she is saying she doesnt) as when I start rebuilding that relationship, my son will be curious and want to follow. The ex family are horrible, they caused utter turmoil prior to my arrest as i was leaving my marriage, then when it all happened, the ex and the mother came round 3 times in one week trying to goad me into physically removing them, which I didnt and then when I went to court the ex stated I was a violent man and aggressive......however no evidence of this.....this statement and the fact the kids have a really good bond with the grandparents, will have influences from different directions........I am to ring the fathers for families support line to see if there is anything else i can do, other than doing all i am doing, showing i am patient, calm and trying to heal from an addiction that resulted from horrific abuse when I was younger over several years, sadly I have caused myself harm by doing what I did, however that shouldnt mean I am prevented from having that great relationship with my kids again one day.....hopefully soon.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: my story and advice

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Dec 13, 2018 2:15 pm

Dear tryingtoheal

Thank you for your further posts. I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling to have contact with your children and in the case of your daughter, it seems as if this is because she may not yet be ready to see you? Miserylovescompany2 has offered you some helpful practical advice from a parent’s point of view and her suggestions about working with the school are worth considering. From the information you have provided it does not seem as if children’s services are involved in your daughter’s case so your situation is no longer in our remit.

In your previous post in November you did explain that children’s services became involved with your new partner’s family due to her relationship with you and your sexual offending registration. It is very positive that you have been open and honest with your partner and with children’s services although things seem to be at a standstill you say. You and your partner can find lots of information on FRG’s website and on this discussion board about how to work with children’s services and how to follow up if the social worker is not getting back to your partner.

You might find Family Lives a source of support in relation to parenting issues and contact difficulties and should you need private law advice you could contact Child Law Advice. You are already intending to contact Families need Fathers so I hope you are able to speak to them and get some good advice.

Do keep up all the progress you have made and accessing support to help you.

I hope this is helpful.

With best wishes

Suzie

tryingtoheal
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Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:06 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by tryingtoheal » Wed May 01, 2019 11:09 am

Hi, well still no contact with my children. I tried having contact with Fathers for families, was initially given a number for Bristol office but sadly after ringing and emailing half a dozen times I have given up on them wanting to know. I continue to write and send cards/gifts to my kids. My ex has started to share some more significant aspects of their schooling which has been helpful.

My question is what else can I do given no support offered by Fathers for families have helped?

Also I have mentioned before I am trying to be honest with my current partner and we have a meeting friday for an agreed action plan for contact - however its being suggested it be once a month - which is neither here nor there in contact. no plan of how long this is for.....is there a way to challenge this appropriately? surely when the social worker had originally suggested weekly is now saying monthly is not fair, and given my risk is reducing with only 6 months remaining on the register, the support I have put in place, and my honesty of holding myself to account with trusted people. Is there any options as it feels like a huge wall currently and trying to support my partner is difficult as I cant see her as often as i want.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: my story and advice

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue May 28, 2019 11:32 am

Dear tryingtoheal,

That is positive news about mum seems more flexible around involving you with the children’s schooling. Do you think she could be more willing to facilitate supervised contact?

You are still sending cards and gifts to them. I can see you are also struggling to get legal advice about private law proceedings. I cannot give substantive advice about private law proceedings but you could consider the other organisations I gave you in my earlier posts.

Sorry I was not able to respond before the meeting you were having about contact (I assume with your new partners family). Did you get to the bottom as to why the suggested contact had been reduced from weekly to monthly?

If you need more advice about children services, please post again.
Best wishes,
Suzie

tryingtoheal
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:06 am

Re: my story and advice

Post by tryingtoheal » Wed Dec 11, 2019 10:16 pm

So my update is as of the 11th December, I am free of any registration and was so from the 3rd Nov 19. however its now 976 days since I last saw my children, my ex updates me quarterly and if anything is doing a tick box court direction of stating how well the children are and how much they make her laugh.....I have no contact, have written letter after letter each month since the court order in 2018 and to date have not received one letter, nor thanks for the cards/gifts I have sent my kids. I have school photos of my kids which is nice but shocks me in how they are growing up so quickly, yet my mental health and strength if anything has declined as I am simply emotionally drained by the whole shocking system. From the process from my partner where social services used the system for 18 months and in the end have shut the case, simple as without anything, as we in the end would not sign any action plan they suggested as it was unrealistic and to be honest just plain daft what they proposed. I feel like moving to Scotland, given my sadness of not seeing my kids, the amount of times I have wanted to simply go to the school and meet them and ask why they dont want to see me is beyond the days I havent seen them. I am at a loss as to what to do, my ex is being cruel, for the act of sheer madness, with it being one, low level photo and it turning my entire life upside down.....to the CAFCASS report clearly stating my daughter wanted to see me and missed me, however after 18 months no contact has been made, no update from the school as they wish to remain balance and non biased. People tell me to go to court, when I dont see how that would achieve anything other than forced contact when my children should want to see my freely. What options do I have ??>? please as I am going round and round and exhausted of it and feel like just giving up knowing I wont see my kids again ever, my ex has utter control of the situation when even when the officer of my case returned all but one item which has the photo I had accessed and stated I should not be prevented in seeing my kids - the family are awful, dont encourage, have brain washed and I am utterly heart broken and at a loss of any hope in this situation.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: my story and advice

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Jan 07, 2020 4:52 pm

Dear tryingtoheal,

I am sorry that your contact with your children has not yet started. CAFCASS had clearly recommended direct contact as being in the best interests of your daughter. Was there a court order or an agreement made to say that?
it sounds like the best way forward is to go back to the family court.

I can see that you have worries that it would be forced contact but it doesn’t sound like it would be. The law looks at what is in the best interests of children over and above what is in the best interests of parents. CAFCASS assessed that it is in your daughter’s best interests to see you.
There is also a presumption that it is the best interests of children for both parents to be involved in the upbringing, if that is possible.
I don't know what steps you have taken to negotiate direct contact with mum. It is likely you will have to try mediation first before you can issue a further court application. You could check the position with a local mediator.

For more detailed advice about your options, I suggest you contact Families’ Need Fathers, the Child Law Advice Line or solicitor.

I am sorry to hear about the way you are feeling. I wonder whether the uncertainty and not knowing is impacting on your mental health. If you think it is, please look for help and support from your GP or via Mind.

If you need further advice, please do not hesitate to post again or call our advice line on 0808 8010366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

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