what to say to the kids

[mva17]

what to say to two children age 8 and 12 when they are not going to be able to see their dad until sw assess him? i dont want the to think he is a bad person, i what them to know that even that he has done somenthing wrong he still loves a cares for them.

[DD2SS]

Hi there,

Hopefully this thread might be useful to you:

http://www.frg.org.uk/ParentsForum/view ... 19ebfd73d2

While things are so chaotic for you, I think what you say there is already a good start: "even that he has done somenthing wrong he still loves a cares for them". I wouldn't underestimate how much they know anyway. If your eldest is 12 then s/he will have done Internet safely at school and life cycles (and is becoming a teenager!) so will know plenty about what he has done regardless. You could do some protective work with them (PANTS rules, good touches bad touches that sort of thing) so that you are being proactive about self-protection and can relate this to CS. Can you have a chat with them to gently find out how much they already know?

[mva17]

thanks. i just read the post you say and it has give me some information. As you say both had done some PANTS and internet safety at school. we are not in contact with sw as they closed the case until sentencing. they know dad has done something wrong but is difficult to explaining why they can see him now but they are not going to be able soon. i think more resources would be useful, because is good to say save them from risk, but they dont see the risk only see some people that dont want they to see or play with dad, how that can be see as safe from their eyes?

[DD2SS]

I know, it's difficult, it really is.

I think the reality is no one really knows what risk he poses at this time. People who commit this crime have already deceived and hidden behaviours from others, often for a long time. It'll take time - a long time - for him to do the work he needs to sort himself out and for others to do whatever risk assessments they need to do.

And I think that's as much as you can say to the kids. That the facts are that he has broken the law, that this involves looking at rude pictures online that involve children being hurt, that he will be punished for it, and that professional people think that it's best that he doesn't see them for the time being - - - but also that (if he is) that he's sorry for what he's done, that he loves them very much, and he's going to work very hard to make up for what he has done wrong (if he is going to).

But the hope here is that, in my experience, kids are extremely forgiving, that they want to and will love their dad despite his considerable flaws. But they might not feel safe with him, perhaps for good reason, and I think you may have to listen and respect how they feel about that. This may well alter their relationship with him.

I say all this as someone who firmly believes that child arrangements should be proportional to risk, and that even in these cases that risk may be very low or even non-existent. However, you don't know at the moment so the only available option is to work backwards from a position of assuming that he could abuse his own children. Unfortunately that might mean that they are made to feel unsafe, but then again he shouldn't have committed the crime.

[mva17]

DD2SS thanks you for your help. Your are right as much as i think i love my husband everything is not so straightforward. He is been lying to me about his "porn addiction" since i meet him, so it is difficult for me to trust him even that i want too. So we need to do lot of work, i know he says he want to change but after been able to lie to me so much i really need proof that he will. Its difficult to explaying because if you love someone you much tust 100%. but even than i want to. i need time and proof. So what to say to the kids is a big step. I want he to see them and do as much as possible with them but at the same time i am not prepare to put them in any risk, i know he wont do anything to them but after all... how can i be sure?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Mva17,
I responded to some of your questions on your other thread.
Suzie

[DD2SS]

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you.

I think you're doing brilliantly and doing all the right things, you're so child focused. You're not even at sentencing yet, it's such early days. Give yourself time - if he gets a custodial sentence things are well out of your hands fo the time being anyway. The children will feel differently to how you feel and to how everyone else feels about it all, and this is now part of their lives as it is yours. I think that not denying them their relationship with their dad - even though their relationship is certainly not going to be exactly how it was before all this happened, at least for the time being - is sensible and leaves everyone's options open until everyone has a clearer idea of risk and how that can be managed as time goes on. You won't be putting them at risk because in the immediate term you wouldn't be leaving them alone with him. In time, they will be the ones making the decisions about what they want form the relationship.

As for the adult relationships, well, only you can say whether you can rebuild trust and how much uncertainty you can live with. A lot of that may well depend on the effort he puts into making changes and understanding why he is where he is, rather than wallowing in self-pity at the situation he has put you and his children in, although I think many sex offenders go through at least a phase of that as they go through the massive readjustment that comes with committing this crime and the implications of it all. Keep going though, people get through it and families do get back together and have normality, some even without supervision.