Married to a sex offender worried how this is going to affect our grand children

[Mitzi]

I will apologise in advance as this my be a long post. I have been married for 17 years Nov 2005 my husband was removed from the family home for down loading child pornography. In Sept 2006 he received a suspended sentence and probation. Part of the conditions of his probation was to complete a sex offenders course which he did. We as a family completed the family assessment and both were assessed by a forensic psychologist, once he had met with us both he concluded that the children were not at risk of grooming if they were allowed to visit the park alone with him, especially our son as he was the only real male figure in his life, although social services would not agree to this.
I completed keep safe work with our 5 children and contact with their father was supervised in the local contact centre, they later agreed that I was a protective factor and although I would not leave my husband I agreed to not move him back into my family Home but they agreed that I could have contact at home with their father, I always felt that it was important For the children to have a relationship with their father because it nearly broke them all when he had to leave the professionals involved with them said that they were grieving for a man that was not dead so they needed him as much as he needed them.
It has been 12 years now my husband has never reoffended and has completed his time on the register (7 years) his mappa officer visited regularly and when he had finished he asked both me and my husband when he was returning home, my husband explained that he was not allowed to return home until the children were older, he was told that he was being removed from the register because he was no longer a risk. My husband has done a great deal of work around the abuse that he suffered as a child from his mother and the many men in her life that sexually abused him and in the social services reports it was stated that they felt there was some unanswered questions in his past as a child that had led him down that path.
Anyway my question is I now have grand children that see there grand Dad and again same rules I still supervise as I didn’t want that pressure put on my children social services have not been involved with me and my family for 8 years we have always managed contact And the older children know why it is the way it is and they still want their dad in their lives and their children. I’m just worried how this will affect our children and our grandchildren I have managed it for many years which obviously has been emotionally draining on me and I never really wanted that for the children but I know as they get older that may be the case. My time under social services was incredibly stressful and not sure now looking back how we even came through it but we did. My eldest grand child is 3 and so far no involvement from any social workers as they know I’m managing this currently. I remember asking the forensic psychologist how it would effect the children and the grand children as they grow up and he felt that it should not effect younger generations and probation and mappa very much agreed that he was no longer a risk once he was removed from the register. But I’m not a stupid women I am a professional lady that has a high level of safeguarding training working with some very vulnerable families myself and I don’t believe it just stops. My husband still lives alone and I live in the family home with the children at some point we would like to resume our marriage obviously under the conditions that he does not reoffend but the closer it is getting the more I worry about things.
Thank you in advance for any advice it has been a very long road and I don’t regret a thing but has made my self very isolated and never really spoke about so you could imagine how I felt when I found this forum and reading some of the threads finding out that I’m not the only one.

[Foreigner]

Hi Mitzi,

Firstly - hat off to you for doing such an amazing job and for cooping with everything that follows such an offence and also for not giving up on your husband and your marriage.
I am the partner of a man who is facing court for possession of IIOC. I am no professional nor am I familiar with the legal side of this (not that good any way) but I have read that once a person comes off the register social services should not treat him/her any different than any other person.
Did children services give a timeframe up until what age was your husband not supposed to have unsupervised contact with your children? In any case if he is off the register and not considered a risk any more the only thing I could suggest is that you contact them and then work on getting your husband back home (even though they really shouldn’t be involved at all at this stage already and after so long).
Wishing you all the best and hope you’ll post an update soon with a happy ending for your family.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Mitzi,

Welcome to the Parent’s Forum. I am glad that you have found the forum helpful.
Your post, as well, is very helpful in that it sets out all the assessments and follow up support that has been offered and which you and your family have completed over the years. As Foreigner says, you have to be commended for everything you have done for your family.

In light of yours and your husband’s ongoing cooperation with professionals as well as the most recent positive assessment by the MAPPA officer, have you thought about asking for a further assessment by children services? It sounds like they have assessed your supervision of your husband’s contact with your grandchild positively.
You do not say how young your youngest children are? Are they old enough to undergo self- protection work, for example?
In respect of your grandchildren, could there be a supervision plan when they visit your home? Would they stay in a room with their parents at night, for example? What could be the practical arrangements to protect them from any potential abuse? This could be on top (or added protection) of any positive forensic assessment of your husband.

For more information about the specialist assessments and support available you could contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on their Just stop it Now! helpline or look at their Parents Protect website.

I hope this advice helps but if you need further advice, please post again.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Mitzi]

Thank you for your reply’s. We were told after the initial assessment that he could not move Home until our youngest was 16, he is now 14. My daughter and grand daughter lives at home with me as she is 19 and currently not moved out. My daughter and grand daughter share a room together. Our older children know why there Dad had to leave and made the decision to stand by him. It was agreed that I supervised the contact as that is what I have always done within my home and as stated in my first bit I really didn’t want that pressure put onto the children.
I have considered contacting children’s services to re assess us now but if I’m honest I’m scared, I have always engaged well with professionals and always been up front and told them my situation. We recently had a family nurse involved because my daughter was a young mum she visited the home to support her in her pregnancy, and when my Grand daughter born she continued to support my daughter as soon as she visited the home I sat her down and explained. She later told my that if I hadn’t of told her she probably would of been none the wiser and no other professional approached her, I told her than that I have always been honest about the situation as I want what’s best for my children and if I can get them support I will and keeping secrets is a big no no.
I think I may be running ahead of myself as I still have 18 months but I don’t want my daughter to feel she has to leave because her brother is 16 and things could go back to the way they are. I guess my husband is panicking because i have said if she is not ready to move out I won’t be pushing her and he can’t move back in. I guess it is all ifs and buts at the moment. My son is so desperate for his dad to come home to have that male around him he doesn’t yet understand why he can’t he just knows that something has happened which means he had to move out, they all found it hard because they couldn’t understand the man that they trust and that has never hurt them all of a sudden was seen as a risk.
I have been told if he returns home I could lose my job something to do with disqualification by association if I do I do I’m not overly bothered I can find a new job it will be a shame because I’m passionate about what I do but I’m not sure where I stand there because he is no longer on the register and whether it becomes a spent conviction as it has been so long. I know he could never work with children but not sure how that effects me. I remember in court he said that he will be put on the sex offenders register but they would not put him the barred list can’t remember exactly what he said as my head was in a complete spin. Whatever the list was it doesn’t matter he was never going to work with children but I may have to see a solicitor to see about this disqualification by association.
Thank you again for your posts I can’t beleieve I have not found this before I have spent years on the internet looking for answers with no success.

[Mitzi]

Sorry I forgot to say since we found out that my daughter was pregnant we have had a couple of referrals made to children’s services through no fault of my own, I requested that my daughters motivate worker informed them of my daughters pregnancy they asked if I was supporting her and will look after them they didn’t even talk about her dad at this point. One of my other daughters was sexually assaulted outside of the Home by one of her peers and the rape crisis centre put in a child and young persons report this time they made contact with me and asked what support I would put in place I told them what I had already done (arranged counselling and working with the school to ensure she was ok) they were happy and closed the case the same day. So I have been on their radar so to speak but with no concerns what’s so ever.

[May12345]

Hi Mitzi how are you since you last posted? We are awaiting our forensic psychologist reports having had them this week and were told that they would guide SS. I was surprised to see that SS did not agree enough to let your husband home. May I ask what his charge was and sentence etc? I am nervous about our results as CS have spoken of reunification and myself supervising if the risk is deemed manageable by the psychologist. We only had one session of about 2.5 hours each. How long was your assessment? I was mainly asked about my childhood, education and relationships. I had been expecting to be asked about our children.. But I think the reports from SS and involved professionals already covered that. The only thoughts I had were that if you've been able to supervise your children surely you can supervise your grand daughter if need be. This would get easier as she starts school (less time at home) and if keep safe work is done with her and her Mum is aware which I understand she is I don't see it as an issue especially as your husband has done various rehabilitation courses. Can you ask a solicitor their opinion maybe?

[PerfectlySafeDad]

Sorry, but I despair again. This case is out and out tyranny. The facts seem plain. The man is OFF the register, he has NOT re-offended, his sentence is served. The offences were internet-based in any case, and no record of anything towards his children or any others in the contact sense. Plus he's been professionally assessed as safe. Yet these vile and cruel cunts at social services still insist he cannot be alone with his own family?? You both have to put up with this perpetual appalling talk of 'managing his risk', or the children learning 'self-protecting' measures - ie child abuse by the Local Authority, through grooming their emotional impression of their dad/granddad. I choose my words precisely.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Having read your post(s) this is no longer about safeguarding. A man has served his time on the SOR and done everything humanly possible in relation to a historic crime. Yet you are still being ruled by fear. Personally I would ask CS for a full comprehensive written report based on the facts of your situation now. Safeguarding needs to be proportional - this is not.

[May12345]

Totally agree with both posters above. If this went to court I don't think CS would have a leg to stand on. Surely you no longer need to pussyfoot around them anymore after all you have alot of time to catch up on! Xx

[PerfectlySafeDad]

Very simply and perfectly put by MLC. This case seriously ought to be a documentary on TV highlighting the draconianism of children's services, the sheer persecution of offenders (ex offenders indeed) in the name of safeguarding. As mlc says, this is not 'safeguarding'. This is something else, it is utterly out of hand. There is no proportionality, and humaneness is out the window here. They appear unaccountable for the fact their 'duty' they so staunchly speak of seriously impacts on others lives; they can't possibly have sufficient justification for treading on Human Rights Article 8 in this case. They indict themselves as an allegedly caring agency since this is a prime example of where the children are suffering - at the very least deprived of a major facet of their upbringing - by the measures taken. An inquest is needed on where this is coming from and what can be done to rein it in. It's far from an isolated example. They get away with this severity of harassment because of the widespread stigma of sex offences; nobody of influence wants to address it for fear of criticism, and the families at the centre of it don't have the means and are often too fragile.
Even in today's climate, I'm convinced a good proportion of the public would be struck by the draconianism of it all if it could be broadcast effectively. It's really no wonder the CS value secrecy and like to evade written records of their work. What does that smack of in 20th century European history?
Oh yes, 'disqualification by association' - that concept has to be one of the biggest indictments of the lot of what a witch hunt we are in. 'You know him, you're his friend, you forgive him, therefore you might be one of them' kind of thing.

Having read your post(s) this is no longer about safeguarding. A man has served his time on the SOR and done everything humanly possible in relation to a historic crime. Yet you are still being ruled by fear. Personally I would ask CS for a full comprehensive written report based on the facts of your situation now. Safeguarding needs to be proportional - this is not.