Struggling - DA & CP

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Joined: Sun May 21, 2017 9:46 pm

Struggling - DA & CP

Post by soalone » Wed May 24, 2017 12:21 am

Hi, I'm not sure if anyone can help, as no one has seemed to have so far.

Trying to keep this whole situation as simplistic as possible, I was the victim of emotional and sexual domestic abuse by my ex over our 5 year relationship. We have a young child together. I also have young children from my ex husband. On two occasions of contact, I was raped, once in front of our child. I stopped contact, as I wanted a safe environment for handover and I reported what had happened to me. No arrest was made and following 6 months of investigation, no charges were brought, because of the evidence difficulties in that it was basically my word against his. During this time, Court action has been instigated by him for contact. Then, 8 months ago, my other children revealed some things that had happened to them, at my ex's hands, that always occurred when I was out of the house. This resulted in a Section 47 investigation. Again, no charges were brought, due to the difficulties in the evidence - things like the descriptives of the situation that were being recalled, sometimes had a slight difference, although this was a child trying to recount and describe memories that happened 6 years previously, starting when my child was 3. The Court directed a Finding of Fact Hearing. I was unable to produce witnesses, but provided photographs of bruising, statements from witnesses, one of whom had seen some of the emotional abuse and drug abuse of my ex and the other, who had independently witnessed the reactions of my children on the sight of my ex's vehicle, or of an icon that reminded them of him on a tablet. During the Fact Finding Hearing, I had to sit and listen to the lies being told about me, being portrayed as a drug dealer and (for want of a better description) a non paid prostitute, someone with extreme mental health problems. Even though I didn't have any witnesses to that extent and my ex presented an ex friend of mine as his witness, I hoped that the fact that we showed her to be contradictory and also to be lying about many of the situations she described, would assist me. Because I evidenced photographs, transcripts and actual recordings of abusive phone calls, text messages etc, I hoped that after all of the years that I'd hidden what had happened to me, some of the degrading acts that were both performed on me and I was expected to perform, I'd actually be heard, my family would be heard. Instead, the opposite happened. Not satisfied with unproven, it was ruled that I fabricated everything, I forced my children to fabricate everything, that I was a promiscuous woman who was also a drug dealer. Immediate unsupervised access (going against what Childrens Services had advised in their Section 37 report) was granted and I was told I'd be lucky if I retained residence, unless I showed complete willing in promoting contact and made big changes. My children had already been placed on CP regarding the abuse (although they categorised as neglect, failed to submit reports from my childminder and Domestic Abuse Support Worker and did not allow me to put any views forward - the only description was that it was a complete witch hunt from the start). Now, because the Court has ruled me to have made false allegations, my ex carries on with his daily life, intimidating us (which the police will do nothing about as hes "just going about his normal day"), and lying everyone about his situation, whereas I, have not been allowed any visitors to my home for 5 months unless they have been cleared by CSC or the Police, have nearly lost my job because they keep arranging meetings on the day that I have explained I cannot attend on, and now, an application has been made for me to cover his costs (over 50k), I'm now undergoing a parenting assessment, he's applied for full residency as part of the CAO, the appointed Childrens Guardian is looking at getting a Psych Report/Assessment done on me, I'm broke and will lose our home soon, my children have been labelled as liars (although no one has spoken to them) and we are going through absolute hell. I just don't know where to turn, I'm fighting and fighting, but i'm starting to lose the strength - I've been completely ruined by my ex and his is continuing in his relentless persecution. No one will listen, take notice, or help us, because of the FFH judgment and I wish I had never come forward and reported what happened to me......I feel worse for my children who know what they endured, but they've been labelled the same as me. I just don't know where to turn and am so fearful that, after the way everything else has gone, residency will be granted to him as part of the CAO, ripping my youngest away from me, his childminder, his life with us and his siblings, all of whom share a strong bond. I'm sorry this is so long....I've just don't know where to turn anymore....

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Struggling - DA & CP

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed May 24, 2017 2:36 pm

Dear soalone,

Welcome to the Parents Forum,

I am sorry to hear of the very difficult time you and have had. There are still ongoing private law proceedings as dad is pursuing residence of the children.

I am not able to give you any advice about these proceedings as it is beyond the remit of Family Rights Group. Instead, you could contact the Rights of Women or the Coram Children’s Legal Centre.

Have you had the support needed for the domestic violence and rapes you suffered? I would have expected that as part of the child protection process you would have been referred for help and support.
If not, you could contact Womens Aid and Rape Crisis.
They can offer emotional support, advocacy –to help you access the support you need as well as information about legal ways of seeking protection.

If children services are questioning your mental and emotional health, this might be because of trauma you may have suffered due to the domestic and sexual violence. If you think you have suffered trauma, then for your own health you should seek an assessment and pursue any treatment recommended. For your children's sake as well, you should think about getting support if you have suffered trauma.
Although 1 in 4 people have suffered from a mental health condition, it can sometimes impact on their ability to parent their children, even if the parent may not realise this.
This may also be why the guardian (who acts in the best interests of your children) wants you to have a psychological evaluation. Discuss this with your solicitor as well.

As the abuse of you appears to be ongoing, (so later than the fact finding hearing) are your new allegations being investigated?
Rights of Women (who advise about private law) and Women’s Aid could advise you.

There is a child protection plan in respect of your children. You are cooperating with the plan and the parenting assessment that is taking place.
Here is some information about assessments that you might find helpful. Look at our FAQ’s about child protection and domestic violence.

If you have any questions about children’s services involvement, please post back or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,


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