rock bottom

[frustrated mum]

On Monday my eldest daughter will be going to her new foster family. Shes told me about the pocket money she will get and her own room and theres even a dog. My youngest daughter will go Wednesday or Thursday depending if the family and placement are right for her.
Its an odd feeling , I feel sick and that my heart is being ripped out of me. But my story ends different to many of the posters on here. My children aren't being kidnapped. There is no care order. Im not being forced in to signing a section 20, even though now I have had to. My daughters being the age that they are made the decision themselves to go into care.
Yes all of this has ripped my family apart I now cant stand to even look at my partner of 18 years as he is the main cause of all of this and hate my weakness that I let it get this far. We had a history of dv and I did what was right at that time, this years later I regretted. I have had to leave with this mistake. Due to this my children have lost all respect for me and hate their dad. Im ashamed to say I put fixing my twisted relationship first. I did my best to work with ss but my partner wouldn't so of cause ss stuck with us like glue. Maybe late , well very late but I have now applied for a council house. I have found out about which benefit I am entitled to while still working. This has surprised my social worker. So finally she is referring me to different agencys. Some thing she said she would do months ago. In the last cp review meeting I had the chair women apologise to me for the failures of childrens services and other departments as there where warning signs I needed help 10 years ago and no one came. My sw agrees that I have been let down by childrens services. I don't expect pity I have made the biggest mistake of my life and now I am paying for it. The opinions of children have to be listened to, partner thinks they have been brainwashed and wont except that our past relationship and his attitude doesn't help. In the past 4 months I have found out things which have been with held from me , from schools and health visitors. I have been living with an paranoid freak who now thinks that ss are taking our children away to experiment on them , tells us off for laughing ,listens to our conversations .
So by the end of this week I will be a mum of 1 instead of 3.

[ange301126]

Dear frustrated mum,you miss the point,you are responsible for the children not the CS.Even if you admit to mistakes,you acknowledge them and the question now is can you protect them in the future.if I were you ,I would never have agreed to an S20.The FRG will probably confirm that the CS have a duty-of-care to keep families together if possible.Legal Guidelines dictate that they should examine fully all alternatives to removal before advocating it.Did they do so.I am guessing they didn't.Your children will never be the same again.There are many alternatives.Separating them from your partner by excluding him from the family home, mother and children's hostel, family placements,family support,medical treatment for him,supervision by a support worker.A family conference.Has the social worker given you valid reasons for rejecting all the alternatives?If not ,it may be that his intentions are dodgy.

[frustrated mum]

thank you for your reply. No children's services didn't give me these options. They gave the kids a family support worker but no support for me. They wouldn't enter the house while my partner was present as he is deemed a risk. The girls have said to me that they wouldn't come back until their dad is gone so that is why i'm now doing anything to get them back. I'm now starting to feel like I've been lied to by everyone , they knew I could trust anyone. I've had all confidence knocked out of me they have even noticed it at work. so they have got what they wanted. I've got a care planning meeting tomorrow to tell a pair of strangers how to look after my daughter. I've been told once the girls have gone they will get a different social worker I've now got a support worker for the next 4 weeks then i'm on my own. At least I still have pr as ss are a bunch of morons who couldn't organise a party in a brewery.

[ange301126]

Dear frustrated mum, I suggest you contact the FRG helpline immediately before your children are damaged irretrievably in care and discuss retracting the s20 and forcing a court hearing if necessary because CS has not followed the correct procedures.This is a bad sign and probably means to carry on in the same vein and apply for an I.C.O.without investigating correctly first.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Frustrated Mum,

I am sorry to read that your two daughters have gone into foster care. From your post, I understand that you are listening to their views and have agreed to them being accommodated or that they are 16-so can consent themselves to be accommodated.

However, do not rule out the fact that they could come back home to live with you. Have a look at our advice sheet
Re-uniting children in the care system with their families.
aboutI can see you are taking steps that might help this happen-putting your name on the housing list and are at last getting the support from the social worker. You could also contact


Womens Aid, if you have not already done so. They should be able to give advice about types of support that are available to you as well as your girls around the issues of domestic violence.

As you have been invited to the care planning meeting tomorrow, please have a look at
Duties to children in the case system. It sets out what to expect at this meeting, the role of the person who chairs this meeting-the independent reviewing officer and what to expect in the written care plan-such as the girls contact with you.

I hope this helps but please do post back if you have any questions.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[frustrated mum]

Thank you both for your replies. I have already been in touch with my daughter over the phone. I feel rather calm atm . I filled in the paper work for a banardos referral which is going to be rushed through. When I told the family support worker what I had done re housing etc she was supportive and did some eye rolling when I told her that the sw at first questioned my decision. I have read the advice sheet, thank you suzie , it's all a lot to take in . I seem to have an permanent headache! My youngest daughter goes to visit her foster placement on Wednesday with a plan to go Friday.
My friends that I have told have been supportive but aren't sure what to say to me and I don't want to go on about it as I think it is uncomfortable for them. How can I give advice on childcare when I've had my children removed!
Its hard when I have certain members of my family now who don't speak to me. Im not sure it because of what decision I made or because they themselves don't know what to say. My brothers having a baby due autumn and they haven't told me I heard through the old grapevine. That feels hard as im family and know one told me.
Anyway I will let you know what tomorrow brings, don't know what to expect I'm going into this blind.

[frustrated mum]

Well where do I start. went to the care planning meeting got an even more of a bigger headache. They started off with education and started a PET plan educational needs etc, what support would be in place as she leaves school in may its her GCSE year, they talked about what her plans were for September and how children in care get paid a certain amount of money to stay in education. Next was health, whom said there was no problem as in the past 13 years since my daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy I have never missed an appointment all her jabs were up to date etc. She has an appointment with her consultant then asked my daughter if she wanted me at the appointment as she's 16 now and really doesn't need me! She stated that she did want me there. They spoke then about a medical assessment 19 Feb which even though I have pr and my youngest daughter is 14 I've not been invited to. Then family support who said that they wont have anything to do with the girls from now on will finish the referral for me then that's it. Then catch 22 who do missing from home who said they will carry on working with the girls. Then it was the turn of the foster carer who said about rules , which were the same as what we had when she was at home with me. Finally got down to contact , she wants to see me every weekend which is good.
I just felt so left out , everyone was speaking over me and not to me. I wasn't really asked my opinion at any point. feel abit flat now and the sw was abit patronising towards me saying that when I see my daughter not to say things like you never did that at home or you never did that for me!
My daughters will get new sw now and we have another meeting a care for review on 6 Feb and a review of the child protection plan. Does this mean that they would come off the plan and put on another one? ss are clear as mud at times and now seem to be bypassing me which is really starting to pee me off. It feels within 1 day that they have got what they want , sod the parents.
They were talking about future care plan , do they really think I would let them brain wash my kids for any longer than needs be?!
I also now have her dad kicking off at me because she doesn't want to see him yet.
Another thing that's my fault no doubt.
So that was my day.

[frustrated mum]

I have received the minutes of the care planning meeting yesterday. everything they asked me to do I sorted yesterday so they can tick that box off their to do list.
Its really pee'd me off that they keep going on that due to my daughters age (16) she wont be returning home. They will be looking at teaching her how to prepare herself for living by herself. Don't get me wrong but they seem to assume that I've signed my daughter over and wont be trying to get her back. I'm 9th on the housing list , signed up with a dv workshop and sorted benefits and work hours. The agreement was this was until I was on my feet in my own home which I'm working on with no support from any outside agency's as the social worker never referred me to until now .
This is a shame as there really doesn't seem to be an outside impartial network for parents in this situation apart from internet sites. It appears from what I have read on various posts that parents are worried about speaking out about their own feelings due to the fear of this being used in a negative way in reports or saying that parents must have some sort of mental health problem.
Social workers come into our houses and invade our personal space and accuse us of emotional abuse without realising that this is what themselves are doing.
My own family have been on a rollercoaster the past 4 months and that is a short time compared to some of the poor folk on here and in that time, well social services have actually coursed more harm than good.
Social services have a job to do , I understand that but I believe that they need to put their tick boxes and flow charts down and actually listen to what families need.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Frustrated Mum

It is the responsiblity of the Independent Reviewing Officer to manage the Looked After Review meeting, and ensure you have the opportunity to have your views heard. The parental consultation form is one way this can be done.

Whilst your children areaccommodated under section 20 Children Act, you retain parental responsibility . Therefore, they have responsiblities to work in partnership with you under working together guildelines so you know what is being planned.

Even if the care plan is for your 16 year old to be supported to independence, because at this age, she does have the right to make some independent choices about where she wants to live. However, you should be fully consulted, informed and kept updated about what is being planned for the younger child.

Keep engaging with professionals with regards to support around past domestic abuse, your housing and benefits.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes


Suzie

[frustrated mum]

Another update. Monday just gone my second daughter went to her foster carers. I was and still am very calm. I have had 2 care planning meetings so far discussed contact and delegation for carers ie hair cuts and school trips, education and health. I am being funded by ss for visits as I don't drive and each daughter are 2 bus journeys away from me. Both girls have settled well. Today 6/2 I had a cp review meeting and my daughters have been taken off the cp plan as they are both now cared for. A couple of things have peed me off though, now I will have a vent! I wasn't informed and can't find in any of my documents until todays that my daughters are in long term care. That there have been incidents where my eldest daughter has been sent 'home' due to her epilepsy and the school didn't inform me, that was the agreement which I do have in black and white.
Maybe little things I don't know never been in this situation before.
I have a support worker for 1 more week But so far I have sorted housing, benefits chased banardos ref applied for gate way project(same as freedom project) and looked into parenting classes. It's only after i have informed them what i have done they pull their finger out. No one has come to me to ask me what I want. They seem to think I've signed my daughters away and wont try anything to get them back. Yet again it states in the latest report that the girls could if they wanted to return to me once family circumstances have change the chair person thought this was a good idea so why would they think I will just sit back for the next 3 years and let someone else bring up my girls. sw told me not to apply for a 2/3 bedroom house as I would be stung by bedroom tax really doesn't bother me to be truthful if I have the space I wont get them back sat in a 1 bedroom flat. Yes some off you may think I'm totally deluded , but I'm desperate to get my girls back. I'm even leaving my son behind , his choice to stay with his dad, told him I didn't want to end up on JK in years time. I will add that all reports for the past few meeting have me in good light there are ticks next to my name if they asked me to do something it was done that day . Think its how high can I jump syndrome! Lots of parents have it!