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Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 3:43 pm
by angrybitter&twisted
Hi there
My x gained custody by false allegations and manipulation, he gained this 3 years ago. The social won't admit its domestic abuse they are covering themselves because if they admit it the judge is going to ask why they gave my child to the abuser. So they are saying it's conflict and mutual. They removed what the police officer said at a conference and x has alienated our child against me and the rest of her family

We are to have a psychologist assessment and parenting assessments. The judge had said if he finds that the father has alienated the child he will be for the high jump and the psychologist has experience in parental alienation

i just been to the parenting session and told her how can they assess my parenting when my child has been alienated and this effects my parenting plus how can they know her true wishes and feelings when she's been manipulated

She reccons they know about alienation and that they will know, sorry but i have no faith in them this case has been 5 years and he has been allowed and aided in carrying on his abuse

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 4:44 pm
by datsura
hi there. I have just read your post and it touched my soul as I am going through a similar situation but cannot go to court as my daughter is 13 years old and wants to live with her father. My 18 year old son also lives with his abusive father. I came from a domestic violence relationship (arranged marriage) stemming from 1990 till 2009. He hit my son and my daughter was petrified of him. I also have a disability making this an easy target to be raped and violated. I left with my 6 and 11 year old children and informed the police of him stalking me and of the abuse (I did not take any action with regards to an arrest) . I struggled with mental health for a few years and social services were involved and aware of the abuse but never took my children away from me. My ex during this time lied about everything but was manipulating my children into believing I was an abuser. I had no family and friends to advise me about divorce and did not take out a court order as I was still afraid of him. He used his power over my children to dictate to me when he wanted to see my children. I started to smoke cannibus to end the pain and flashbacks of the abuse (I am now free from this) in 2012 I turned my life around and concentrated on building a stronger relationship with my children and my ex was still manipulating my children. In 2014 I informed my GP, Police, social services, mental health team and children's school of my ex living nearby and his wishes for my children to live with him and of the violence. They did nothing so on 2/6/15 my ex used his power to overthrow me as a mother and called the police and social services after having an argument with my son (he would not pick up his plates in his room). I haven't seen them since then and social services closed my case within 2 days. I have spent 9 months trying to get a solicitor but can't get legal aid as my daughter does not want to see me. Social services have instructed my daughter's school not to talk with me. I can't even get an advocacy service to write to my ex, social services or my daughter's school. The social services assessment report has detailed me as a prostitute drug user and abuser amongst many other things. He has won and removed me as a mother. I was very close to my children and now they have gone. My ex took me away from my parents and siblings for 20 years who do not want to know me. The light in my heart has distinguished and I have no motivation to take this journey on my own. I am not sure if anyone can give me advice for an advocacy service or if what has happened to me has occurred to anyone else. I still smell my children's scent in my home.

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 7:33 pm
by angrybitter&twisted
Dear Datsura

I am so so sorry that you are treated this way, the so called professionals should be ashamed of themselves it's so disgusting. I couldn't get legal aid either so i got a barrister from London free (works voluntary) you can apply online
she was so good she stood up for me and i got my contact and helped so much, i now have it all out in the open as he cannot carry on and they cannot dismiss whats happened. I am still frightened though because i don't know what is going to happen. either she will go to foster care, returned to me or left with him if the psychologist doesn't find out that she's in harm. these men are not heald accountable even when there's evidence there given chance and chances however as women we have no rights legal or human.
Also try to get a I.D.V.A They should support you and come to court because no one listens to us it helps to have some backup so even just being there will help
Also do you belong to any of the facebook groups as it also helps support and getting advise
I will fight to the bitter end xxxx keep strong no matter what xxxxxx keep in touch xxxxx

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:59 pm
by datsura
To my dear friend

I cannot thank you enough for giving up your time to correspond with me. I am grateful that you understand what I am going through. I am still afraid of him and afraid that my daughter is brainwashed into thinking I do not love her. I will keep in touch and would be grateful if you will not forget about me. I do not have any friends or family and am alone. Would you mind letting me know who are I.D.V.A and how do I search for them? Also which Facebook page would you recommend?

I will get in touch with the pro bono solicitor and see if she can help me?

Please take care of yourself. You do not realise the impact that you have had in my life.

Yours truly.

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:02 pm
by angrybitter&twisted
Dear Datsura

I am so glad that i have been of help to you. A couple of facebook groups are
If your a member of facebook why not add me as a
Also i think that these abusive men use the system and our kids to carry on with their abuse and this is called: Domestic abuse by proxy

I feel for you when your worried that your child thinks you don't love her but this is not true and you have shown her you do it is only
what she may have been told. can you write to her? or let her know somehow through someone in contact with her or via school?

What part of the country are you, i found my I.D.V.A at a local community centre that offer advise to victims of Domestic abuse and
i asked them for an I.D.V.A (Independant Domestic Violence Adviser)

Look after yourself as well as you can and try not to let it consume your every hour, as you feel better and stronger in yourself your be stronger in fighting this war.

Until soon
T xx

***edited by Suzie to prevent breach of confidentiality and because it breaches our rules.

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 11:44 pm
by datsura
Hi T***

I forgot to ask when will you find out if your child will be able to live with you. I wish I had the power to overturn this for you. You are right that the people who are meant to protect us and our children really do not. Please remember you are never to blame. You are innocent. It just seems unreal that the public health sectors who should be protecting us only use their power to place children who they do not care for into the hands of an abuser. I am here for you always T***. I am not on Facebook for the pure reason I do not want my ex to see me on there and he will be searching for me. It is really just to protect myself. I have become very unwell mentally and can't stop thinking about my children. They are on my mind constantly and everything reminds me of them. Watching the TV, going out seeing children and families only exasperates the will not to live. I don't know how I can move on. I hope we can meet one day.

I am sending you warm hugs and wishes.

Love always


Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Thu Mar 17, 2016 3:46 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear Angrybittertwisted

Welcome to the Family Rights Group Parents’ Forum.

My name is Suzie and I am an adviser at Family Rights Group.

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this terrible situation of your child being alienated from you. Thank you for sharing your experience on the forum.

The child has been with her father for the last 3 years so, is it the case, that Children Services have concerns about the care that she is receiving from her father that the matter is in court at present. I only say this because you say that assessments are currently being carried out. Is there already a care order or interim care order, or is Children Services applying for an Order at present? Are you applying to have the children returned to you? It appears from the post that the child was previously on a child protection plan.

If there are discrepancies in the evidence provided by Children Services, then you should make sure that you let your solicitor know so he or she can raise it with the Local Authority.

This situation has been going on for 5 years and as a result you feel very let down by the professionals and feel now that you cannot trust them. It is understandable that you feel this way especially where you have told about domestic abuse but your daughter was still placed with her abusive father. The really good thing is that the matter is now before the court and your child’s father will be properly investigated by a psychologist and through the parenting assessment. Although it might not seem possible that alienation will be identified, the parenting assessments is designed to look at individual parenting styles in different scenarios. It will also look into background on how each of you were parented and how this affects your own parenting styles. The psychologist will be look at different aspects but should have the expertise to identify any particular issues with each parent and see how this impacts on the child. He or she will also be able to identify what support or work might be necessary to help improve the situation.

I think you should try hard to cooperate with the assessments and be as open and honest as you can be about what your relationship was like; how it affected you and how you feel your ex partner’s behaviour affects your daughter.

Alienation and intractable contact issues are known and I think is likely to be recognised by the professionals.

I am including a copy of our advice sheet relating to care proceedings for your information.

I hope you will find this helpful and you are free to call our advice line on 0808 801 0366 to speak to an adviser. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

Best wishes


Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 12:32 am
by datsura
Dear Suzie

I am sorry to bother you but can I please ask your advice. I'm not sure if you have read my post but I am distressed after losing contact with my 13 year old daughter. I have not received any documentation with regards to a court order or if she has been placed on the child protection list. I can't get legal aid because of my daughter's age. it just seems I have been dealt very badly in this and I have been removed as my daughter's next of kin. No one can see that my abuser has used domestic violence by proxy techniques. No one has believed me when I told who concerned that I suffered with extreme domestic violence and I have a chronic illness since I was 2. My daughter and son were never taken away from me and they asked to live with their father believing I do not love or care for them. Since my children abondoned me I have tried to become stronger as I was not to blame neither did I abuse my children. I know I smoked recreational drugs for a few years (I am completely off this now) but that was because my ex would not leave me alone and controlled me. The only thing I regret was that I did not take out a court order or his assets. The reason for this was because my ex always threatened me. I really do not know what to do and can't open any doors for contact with my daughter even with refuge advocacy service. Social services will not re open my case and my daughter's school have been told not to engage with me. I don't know what to do as I am desperate to see her so I can protect and safeguard her. Please could you advise me?

Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:08 am
by angrybitter&twisted
Dear N***

I am asking for Residence returned to me at court in may, I felt the same as you every day i'd see children or specially a little girl with her mother and it would start me crying, when he gained custody 3 years ago i spend everyday crying my eyes out for 1.5 years and especially as social had me supervised in a center, i got to see her but only for 1 hour each fortnight and the heartbreak was unbearable knowing i was powerless to his abuse and cannot protect her, yes social are stupid heartless morons and he has manipulated all and they fall for it time and time again. even now after another 1.5 years when i got the barrister and managed to get more contact and overnight stay it's now taken a back step, same as usual something happened at mine, the bloke that lives in room downstairs (its shared house) was drunk and started shouting abuse kicking doors and making threats to me and my daughter whilst she was having overnight stay, i phone police and he was removed and landlord has told him to leave, i turned up at school yesterday to collect her for contact and sw hadn't informed me that my contact has been suspended so we were both crying cause she said she was too frightened to come to mine. i understand this but thats not why its suspended because she said she's frightened of me, she said i shouted and told her off and hit her. this is obviousley coming from him and now be back to square one with me being supervised, it's like being on a roundabout and not getting off. and i am not going to let sw put this backwards when it got to progress forward.

What you need to do is contact the bar council and the barrister will prepare your case and get a hearing at court. you are likely to be asking for contact order first and then go from there. you need to be as strong as an ox and don't allow anyone to railroad you specially ss, constantly get evidence ie: signatures, emails, recordings etc and keep a diary of all events call it the welfare diary. She is your daughter they can't refuse your contact. Get as many professionals on your side

Smile it's a long and difficult road but in the end your get there just keep determined never ever give up the truth will come out we just don't know when just keep focused and pro active and if they knock you down get straight back up. they want you to give up and walk away prove them all wrong

Yes i would love to meet up one day and i have decided after the next hearing i'm exposing their corruption worldwide


Re: Care order, Domestic abuse, Allienation, Parenting assessments

Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 4:16 pm
by datsura
Dear T***

I am so sorry to hear what happened yesterday and I can understand how you are feeling. I am sad that because of the horrid tenant that this has set you back. As for social worker not letting you know that does not surprise me.I am praying that in May it will be more optimistic. By you having the right temperament and attitude you will one day be united with your daughter. She is lucky to have you as a mother. I know I have lost my daughter because she is 13 the Judge will never go against her wishes. With regards to the bar council I understand that I need to get a referral from a professional. Is that the case? The only person I have is a floating supoort worker from Refuge. My GP is terrible and I also do not have anyone to stand up for me. I don't have any family or friends. I am not sure what to do and I am afraid of social services. They have never given me any paperwork with regards to a court order or anything but may do so if I apply to go to court. if you are going to name and shame social services in the future I would be also happy to stand by you. What is happening to us is being done to many other parents. please take care of yourself and I am more than happy to exchange phone numbers and email addresses if you would like.

I am always thinking of you. Your strength and courage is outstanding. I hope one day these emotions will return to me.

Love from infinity and beyond
Your friend