Believing perpetrator courses work.

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Mommy2be2001
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:38 pm

Believing perpetrator courses work.

Post by Mommy2be2001 » Sat Mar 30, 2019 2:55 pm

I know a lot of people strongly disagree with this so please don’t give any hate or negativity please.

My babies father has previous criminal record for violence and drugs, he’s never been to prison and they were all committed when he was under 16/17. He’s now 19. My Mom and Dad never liked him and forced me to break up with him which I did but then later got back with him when I was pregnant, we moved in together and he was emotionally abusive making me feel alone, called me names and just left me alone a lot of the time. I didn’t think it was abusive but I’ve realised it was emotionally abusibe and he was really not nice. He’s realised this to and he is completing a perpetrator course and is willing to do anything social workers ask of him. A written agreement isn’t currently being done by the social workers and we are on child in need, not Child protection. I am willing to complete a course for Women in DV and any assessments needed. I was wondering if all courses are complete how you would go about working to get back together with an ex. We live apart and wouldn’t move in together for a long time but I was wondering if it is something social workers do? Helping families get back together with assessments and check ups etc. I dont feel comfortable raising this question with me social worker yet as I’m scared she’s will say I’m not protecting the baby and aren’t fit to be a mother when i know for certain I am. If they say no chance at all then I will take that and walk away. Just feels like a shame not ever giving him the chance to change, we realised before anything escalated it was emotionally abusive and are getting support as soon as possible and we will work with social workers. Just wondering if anyone’s ever been able to work with social workers to get a family back together?

Mommy2be2001
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:38 pm

Re: Believing perpetrator courses work.

Post by Mommy2be2001 » Sat Mar 30, 2019 9:42 pm

Sorry, another thing... I am 18 and my parents force there involvement which I feel is no help for me. I get forced to do everything they say and they speak on behalf of me at my meetings. Is there any way I can prevent them coming from the CIN meetings?

Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2632
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Believing perpetrator courses work.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed May 01, 2019 2:56 pm

Dear Mommy2be2001

Welcome to the Parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. I am sorry that we have not been able to respond to your post sooner.

First of all, from your user name I am guessing that your baby is not born yet so congratulations on your pregnancy. I am sorry to hear that you experienced emotional abuse from your (ex) partner during this time.

You are currently working with children’s services under a child in need plan , probably to ensure that you have support in place to help you now and when the baby is born. From what you say, it is your baby’s father’s history and the recent emotional abuse he subjected you to that led to children’s services’ involvement. You are both also young parents. We have a specialised website for young parents.

It is good that both you and your baby’s father recognise the concerns about domestic violence and separated to prevent this escalating and that you are both willing to work with children’s services and with domestic violence services. For his part, a domestic violence perpetrators’ course will help address the concerns about abusive behaviour and how this impacts on children and in your case, specialist domestic violence support can help you to reflect on the situation.

We have materials on domestic violence which you may want to have a look at.

It is probably a good idea for the baby’s father to discuss directly with the social worker how involved he would like to be with the baby and what he would need to do to reduce their concerns if your relationship was to resume – as the concerns are around his behaviour towards you.

If you were planning to get back together, in the future, it would be wise to do so in an open way and to clarify first with your social worker what their view of this would be and what safeguards they would want to see in place. Their assessment of the situation will be based on the seriousness of any current concerns and also what has changed – i.e. what work you have both done, what would be different. The case is child in need at the moment – you would need to know if it was likely to lead to a child protection investigation if your relationship resumed or you lived together.

In relation to your parents’ involvement, as you are 18 you are an adult and a parent-to-be and you can make your own decisions. You will have parental responsibility for your baby. However, family involvement can be a real positive and in some situations children’s services will be re-assured where there is family support available for a young parent and her child. It is also good practice for children’s services to involve families early (where that is safe); they are expected to identify wider family members and involved them as early as possible, as they can play an important role in supporting the child and helping the parents to address identified problems.

Are you able to talk to your parents about how you feel about how they behave at meetings (e.g. speaking for you) and whether they need to attend all or any of the meeting? However, if you really do not want them there then you can say so and your wishes should be respected. If you live with your parents though and the baby will too then there may well be parts of the plan that they do need to be part of .

I hope this is helpful to you.

Please do post again or call our Freephone advice line to speak to an adviser if that would help.

With best wishes

Suzie

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