Domestic abuse/child grooming

Msmd1990
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Msmd1990 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 12:32 pm

Hi am new and looking for advice. Been with partner 13 years have 4 children. He has never hit me but been physically aggressive punching doors, pushed me and threatened to hit me. I’ve split a few times he has never really done much to help. We split up a few months ago as I found messages to a 13 year old where he was pretending to also be 13. I reported it to the police as he wasn’t admitting it just denied it. I have since spoken To him and seen all the messages and seen there was nothing other Then general rubbish like a child would talk abou, very strange and disturbing I know. Police arrested him let him go with no charge as no evidence to prove it. Ive since had social service say he isn’t allowed home and is waiting for a risk assessment and had supervised access with children. Social services say I’m in denial and that I don’t understand the risk but I don’t because he wouldn’t of met Any of them there was never a mention of meeting them. They have finished assessment which is currently being wrote up. I just wondered if anyon had any experience of this and what the outcome was. Was their partner allowed home. They have said that they aren’t sure if I am able to protect children from seeing more domestic abuse. He is now helping himself has medication and is going counselling/anger management. My head is all over the place at Moment I don’t know what more I have to do to prove th children come first and always will. Thanks

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:07 pm

Hello

What you have described is not a healthy relationship. People who respect their partner do not threaten violence. He may not have physically harmed you (yet) but the fact he has hit other things is concerning. So is that fact he had online contact with a 13yo child whilst pretending to be a child himself - this is how grooming starts. The child will first have their trust gained. The police did not take this further because it hadn't reached the point of securing an arrest. You did the right thing by contacting the police.

CS act when there are concerns around safeguarding. Might I politely suggest you read your post but put yourself in the position of an outsider. What advice would you give them? I do not mean to come across as judgemental. I sincerely hope I do not as that is not my intention.

When a person has been in a relationship for a long time frame certain things that they wouldn't of put up with in the initial stages become the norm. These behaviours wouldn't of happened overnight. If they had, I doubt you'd of continued the relationship. You have invested years of your life with this person and had children together. What advice would you give your child if they told you the same was happening to them? Your children will see and hear their father acting in a negative way. Chances are that they will on seek out a partner with similar traits or they will repeat what they have learnt. The cycle just repeats. It doesn't have to be this way.

I am not suggesting the children should be without their father. Maybe he will gain something from the course/route he is currently perusing. All of that will take time and he has to take on the full responsibility of what he has done.

All the uncertainty will be taking its toll. Think about how you and your children deserve to be treated. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself time and space to let all of this sink in.

If you type into your search engine - the cycle of abuse - how does grooming start - what are the signs you are in a toxic relationship. This will give you a clearer picture.

I hope this helps.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:20 pm

I don't know if you've heard of cognitive dissonance - it is basically two opposite points of view running in your mind at the same time. It will be very difficult for you to separate the two. You will. Just give yourself time.

Read up on what I suggested. Then you will be able to show Children's services that you understand their concern and you take seriously the level of risk. You could ask them if there are any courses or groups you could join? It wouldn't hurt to have a quick look yourself because that would also show you are taking this seriously.

The emphasis will be on you to show you can safely protect your children from harm.

Msmd1990
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Msmd1990 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:38 pm

Thank u both. Yes if this was my children I would tell them to leave if it was any of my friends I would say the same. I just know my children are only
Unhappy because their dad isn’t here as they won’t allow contact unsupervised or with me. Social services have told me they want me to do courses for domestic violence and are on a child in need plan? I read this was voluntary and when I mentioned this to the social worker she told me that it is voluntary but if I didn’t do it she would put my children on a child protection plan. I work full time only my parents are allowed to look after them while I work and social services have referred us to a family group conference but hasn’t fully explained it. When I looked it up all I could find was things to say they discussed it children were to go in care I would have a say where they go. She says she isn’t looking To remove them though but needs to know I am
Protecting them from emotional harm. I know
His done wrong I am not as she says in denial as I know it was wrong or I wouldn’t have reported it but people change and he isn’t been given that chance. I will look that up to. Thanks

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:11 pm

The family group conference could be an opportunity for you to discuss with family and friends a positive way forward. To ensure they can support you and the children at this time. The SW might act as the chair and give some suggestions. If you aren't sure do not be afraid to ask.

It will be natural for the children to miss their father. One of the outcomes of the conference might be that a contact rota is worked out. Until CS are sure that you have fully understood the risk they will suggest someone else supervises contact. They can not force any of this without a court order. I wouldn't take the risk because it sounds like they want to support you. I know it won't feel like that right now.

These courses will require time to complete. Another outcome for the family group conference would be ensuring the children are looked after so you can access all the support.

CS will look for friends and family first to provide childcare and supervision because it would be less disruptive for the children and yourself.

CIN = child in need. A plan of action should be drawn up and a clear set of expectations. Regular meetings which professionals connected to the children will be invited, teachers etc.

Msmd1990
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Msmd1990 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:17 pm

Yes I understand the risk but there is nothing more I can do to prove this other than not allow him back like I have done previously. Them being involved is causing me more distruption than anything else at the moment. I don’t see how they can say they have no issue with my parenting yet still say they need to be on a child in need plan. I haven’t even had 1 meeting either this was just put on a safety plan while doing the assessment but haven’t had a meeting about it. school have no concerns and they have spoken to the children also.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:17 pm

The initial referral would of been initiated by the police. Children's services have a legal duty to respond and take action where necessary. CS work differently from the police. You are on a voluntary plan at present. If you decide that you don't wish to work with CS you run the risk of this turning into a CPP (child protection plan). Trust me, if you think the CIN arrangement is stressful it is nothing compared to a CPP!

My children have been on both. I have two children with autism to give context. Both have complex needs. I also have a 3.5yo. My middle son is now in the care system. I have had to work with CS for years to ensure my children received support.

I get that this entire process has not only turned your world upside down but the world of your entire family.

I also understand that you don't want to walk away from a long term relationship and choices have been made for you through no fault of your own.

There are members of this forum that have had firsthand experience of what you are currently going through. I am sure they will add their wealth of knowledge and share their own coping strategies.

Msmd1990
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Msmd1990 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:29 pm

Yes I am doing everything they tell me to as I wouldn’t put my children at risk of being taken just because I don’t want to do something. The whole process has just happened so fast and I don’t reallt know what’s going on as nothing is ever fully explained my social worker has been to me twice in nearly 2 months and now says she will be introducing me to our long term social worker. If their dad isn’t here and they have no issue wiTh me then what’s the need for a long term social worker? My son told her that he has seen his dad put his arms round my knock and push me once and all the children said their dad has anger problems but none of it was aimed at me so I’m unsure what more they want me to do.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:37 pm

Children's services are aware there has been domestic violence witnessed by the children. Because you were aware and it was directed at you in the eyes of CS you have continued a relationship therefore failed to protect. You, even though a victim of abuse have not sort help or protected the children from witnessing further acts of aggression . Their view is clear cut. The children have also stated their father has anger issues.

I would assume CS want to monitor the situation. They will still hold the aforementioned view. The incident with the 13yo further complicates the situation. This will add to their evaluation of risk and your ability to manage this. You called the police - this will be viewed in your favour. Did you proactively do anything with regard to the DV? If not this will be viewed negatively.

Depending on how the CIN progresses will determine what happens next. If CS feel the risks are still high they may still consider a more intrusive safeguarding route.

I hope this helps you make sense of what is happening. The above is not my own personal view. Life is so more complex.

Msmd1990
Posts: 11
Joined: Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Re: Domestic abuse/child grooming

Post by Msmd1990 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:18 pm

Thanks for reply. Yes I have tried in the past to leave him dap have moved me away from him previously twice but I have got back with him. Stupidly I know all this! I don’t know myself why I keep having him back because I don’t feel anything for him anymore if that makes sense? Everything he does never makes me angry sad anything it just goes on and I carry on like normal. I had already split from him when I found got he messages on an old Instagram account he had. I had him removed from my house by the police as he had kicked my front door off twice because I wouldn’t let him back in while children were at school and I had my oarent get them from school early as he was saying he was going to get them and get them away from me. This was also put in the referral. I wish I hated him it would make it so much easier for me to want nothing to do with him other than have contact with the children but I can’t. But I won’t let it see my children b taken from me.

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