Domestic abuse/child grooming

[Miserylovescompany2]

Sometimes a woman returns because that life has become her norn. She is so emotionally worn that it is simpler to return or have her abuser back. In reality the bit the victim (then surviver) doesn't realise is the abuser needs her more than she does him. He keeps her in her place by dragging her down. She will wear a mask to the outside world.

The hardest part isn't breaking free it is fighting the overwhelmed urge to go back. The abuser will systematically press every button until the desired one gets a result. He knows his victim inside and out. He will try every underhand trick in the book to tap into her empathy. He will go to extraordinary lengths even state that he will take his own life or he's just found out he is ill. The children are used as weapons too. Because he knows the mere thought of losing them will keep her from speaking out.

Children's services in some way just take his place. That is why so many women are failed by a draconian system that blames the victim for being abused.

It isn't just men who abuse either. The men who find themselves the victim have even less help than women to escape.

[Msmd1990]

This is familiar. He has told me a lot over the recent weeks he will kill himself. Obviously I don’t want this and I don’t think he would but there is still that part of me that knows if he did I would be partly to blame because I didn’t take him serious when he was crying out for help. I feel like I am being punished for wha he has done by social services if I’m honest as they say it’s not my fault but then threaten to take
My children if I don’t do what they say.

[Miserylovescompany2]

If he says something that really makes you concerned you can call the police and ask them to do a welfare check. Either way he'd get the help or his efforts to manipulate thwarted! If he is really getting to you I would consider going along the route of applying to the court for a non molestation order. He would only be allowed to communicate via a third party to arrange contact with the children.

I had to go along the non molestation route. It did work for me. The difference is I didn't have children with the man. I know for a fact he made the mother of his children's life a living hell. He played the same phycological games as your husband.

Once you understand what he is doing the tricks won't work. He will crave a reaction. If you give none he will really show his true colours. That can be dangerous time. If your husband was capable of kicking the door off the hinges there will be worse to come once you break away for good. You have described some of the things he has said and done. Once you do cut contact he will spiral out of control until he finds someone else to repeat the same behaviours with. It is so important that you keep the children and yourself safe. I can not stress that enough.

I am guessing he has cheated more than once? He would of denied this though. Even if you caught him in the actual act he'd gaslight you into thinking you'd gone insane.

Think very seriously about getting a non molestation order. Because I believe one saved my life!

[Msmd1990]

I have called the police a few times when he has said it but he always refused to see them only speak over the phone to confirm he was ok. He hasn’t physically cheated but he has ‘loved’ a few of the woman he has messaged online. The dap worker did suggest that order but with him not being allowed here anyway at the moment by social service and police I don’t feel under any threat. At the moment it’s not me saying he can’t be here so he isn’t angry at me about it if that makes sense? I’m not sure what gaslighting is I will look It up I’ve heard a few people talking about it when reading through posts on here.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Even written and spoken words will be used to manipulate. The fact CS and police are imposing the boundaries won't last for ever. You have been able to establish that a CIN is voluntary - he can do the same. The focus of his anger/rage will switch back to you. He has lost control.

Think about what you wrote. He claimed to not have cheated but to of loved a few of the women he'd messaged online?

He will always know how to get inside your head. You care. To him that is an easy way to manipulate you.

If you were to stick him on mute would his actions marry up to his words? He will keep you knocked off kilter so you don't know which way is up or down.

At the beginning of your relationship I bet he shared all the same interests as you? There would always of been another woman spoken of by him. They would be flirting with him sending him texts or if an ex they would be wanting to get back with him? All these things are done for a reason. This is to make you feel that you are lucky to have him. You will always be of the belief you have to compete.

I could on and on. I won't because you are already having pressure from every direction. Everything will make sense to you eventually.

[Msmd1990]

Yes we have similar interests anyway. Why do u mention that? And yes he has always been messaging someone, not constantly but he accuses me a lot and I wouldn’t do that to anyone so I know that’s just because he has done it so thinks I would.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Did you claim to have the same interests as the 13yo. I ask because he most likely a social chameleon with the ability to blend in and mirror others.

When he was accusing you it would of been to detract attention away from what he was doing, which would have been what you were accused of.

Can I ask if you know any of his ex partners or how he described previous relationships. Did he state they were abusive and controlling right from the outset to gain your pity?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Msdm1990

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Board and thank you for your post. I am sorry that we have not been able to respond to you before now. You have had some very prompt and useful advice from another parent, Miserlylovescompany2, about how to proceed and how to develop coping strategies which I hope you have found helpful and supportive. You are going through a difficult time and having to cope with a lot of changes and with children’s services involvement, none of which is easy.

The main issues appear to be your partner’s domestic violence and how it impacts on you and your 4 children and his inappropriate online behaviour where he masqueraded as a child in order to communicate with a child. You did the right thing and contacted the police on a couple of occasions as you were worried about your partner’s actions. You are also working with children’s services although you are a bit confused by some of the processes and don’t necessarily see all the potential risks in the same way that they do. Your children are very important to you and you are determined to put them first but understandably find the current situation and the separation from your partner stressful.

Have you yet had a copy of the assessment the social worker has completed? If not, do ask for a copy of it and go through it carefully. If there are errors let the social worker know so that they can be corrected but do have a read of their analysis of the situation and recommendations as hopefully this should answer some of the questions you have about what is happening and why.

I wanted to signpost you to some information and resources that I think may be relevant to you and which may help you to continue to work positively with children’s services.

Firstly in relation to domestic violence, this covers a broad spectrum of behaviours. Children who live with domestic violence are affected by it. Your children have been able to describe this to the social worker. The social worker wants to make sure that you have the right support to help keep you and your children safe; this is why there are restrictions in place in terms of your partner’s contact with the children. You are cooperating with this and so your children are on a child in need not a child protection plan. The child in need plan is about putting in the right support for you and your family so it is important that you feel involved in deciding what needs to be in place. The child in need plan should be regularly reviewed; having a long-term social worker means that the need for longer-term support was identified during the assessment but does not mean that you will have social work involvement indefinitely. When your family situation is stable the plan should come to an end. So do check when it will be reviewed.

Our materials on domestic violence advice for mothers explain some of these issues in more detail and provide information about support services. Working with a women’s domestic violence service could help you with some of the dilemmas you are struggling with and may also reassure children’s services that you are developing your understanding and strategies to keep your family safe. There is also information here about how to protect yourself through the court including about non-molestations orders, which Miserylovescompany2 has rightly suggested is an option.

It is good that your partner is also getting some support and treatment for himself which in turn may help him as a father. It sounds as if he would benefit from support from his GP or mental health support services. You have received advice about what to do if he threatens to harm himself and you have sought help for him. However, it is important that you are helped around this issue too as it can be another form of coercive control and you are not responsible for your partner or his wellbeing.

We also have some FAQs on domestic violence for fathers . The social worker should also be working with and involving the children’s father (safely) in the assessment and plan for the children. They should also assess the impact of the threats he is making and address this as an additional issue.

I agree with Mislerlylovescompany2 that the Family Group Conference (FGC) could be a positive process; it is not just about identifying support for children at risk of entering care or who are in care, it is for any family who wants to keep their children safe at home with their parent/s. Your own parents are already involved in supervising contact and an FGC may help your network come together to determine what each member can do to help you to care for your children safely at home. This advice sheet on family group conferences and film on what is a family group conferences can explain more about the FGC processes.

You might be interested in the Parents Protect website which has lots of valuable information and advice for parents including around grooming. As Miserlylovescomplany2 states, informing yourself shows that you are taking concerns seriously; it also helps you to make informed decisions.

For now, as you are working with children’s services on a child in need basis you can find out more about what to expect in this advice sheet on family support.

I hope this helps.

Please do post again if you have a further query or call FRG’s Freephone advice helpline on 0808 801 0366 Mon to Fri 9.30 am to 3.00 pm if you would like to speak to an adviser.

With best wishes

Suzie

[Msmd1990]

Thanks for the advice. I got copy of assessment now. There is a few things I agree with and a few I don’t understand she said I have a history of disguised compliance but I haven’t ever been told to do anything and not done it so I don’t see how this is the case. She says my feeling towards him is clouding my judgment and stopping me seeing the risk he poses but if I genuinely thought there was a risk I wouldn’t want him around our kids surely they can see that!! She said my 7 year old
Boy is hyper vigilant and lacks concentration easily distracted but his a young boy I don’t see how she can say this is a cause for concern. Good thing is they are keeping it as child in need as I am
Complying with what they are saying so not escalating to child protection which is a positive at least! Still yet to see any of the services they have told me I have to attend they just said they had our referral in and said they will be in touch for core group meeting? Say this is with the school as well as they have told the school everything, don’t really know why they need to tell or involve the school as the school have no concerns so don’t see why they need to involve them tbh.