What will happen in the distant future if i were to get back with my ex?

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Joined: Tue Feb 06, 2018 12:28 am

What will happen in the distant future if i were to get back with my ex?

Post by Wishfull » Tue Feb 06, 2018 4:14 pm

Due to two incidents between my ex and myself last year i've had children services involvment.

First incident happened where I attacked my ex, this was driven by pnd and completely out of character, it resulted in my Hv making a refferal after being concerned for my wellbeing.

My daughter was placed on a CIN plan which restricted everything and inturn frustrated my ex, they were also concerned for his wellbeing as he was erratic in behaviour. He was upset about the lack of contact which was mainly due to his lack of engagement.

Fast forward 2 months into the case and he turned up unexpectedly at my house, he seemed calm but became conventational and strangled me, after he left I was stunned and called the police, also due to the fact he turned up unexpectedly and i didn't want this to become an ongoing issue. He was arrested but charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I was granted a non molestation order as I wanted to protect my daughter from whatever was escalating, this has since expired.

My daughter was placed on child protection plan for 7 months and my ex had contact through a contact centre which has now discontinued.

The case is now closed but i was shocked to find that it came with a closing safety plan. I was hoping they'd close case and that would be that but I feel my control and decisions have been taken away regarding my daughter.

What would happen if me and my ex decided to give things another go? As we'd be in different places. Has anyone had any success in doing so despite previouse involvment? Can i allow contact between my daughter and exs family? I just feel paralised to make any of my own decisions in fear of my daughters removal. Any advice or shared experience would be appreciated

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: What will happen in the distant future if i were to get back with my ex?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Feb 12, 2018 6:07 pm

Dear Wishfull

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties that you and your family have experienced.

I hope that you managed to get support in relation to your experience of post-natal depression and that you are feeling better now. It sounds as if there were also concerns for your ex- partner’s wellbeing and erratic behaviour too. Was he able to get any help or support?

The child protection plan for your daughter was made, I think, because there were at least two incidents of domestic violence including one very serious incident where you were the victim of strangulation. Research shows that children are harmed by witnessing domestic violence. The child protection plan should have focused on addressing the harm to which your daughter was exposed and keeping her safe.

I think that the child protection plan may have come to an end because you and your ex-partner were separated, you had a non-molestation order in place aimed at protecting yourself and your daughter and contact between your daughter and her father was supervised.

However, if these protective strategies are no longer in place and if you and your ex-partner resumed your relationship, in an unplanned way, without the knowledge and agreement of children’s services then you are likely to be referred back to children’s services due to concerns about possible or likely future risk of domestic violence.

The most important thing for now is probably to be clear about what the closing safety plan actually says and what was achieved in the child protection plan. It is important that you know (or ask) what children’s services expectations are and what would need to be different for you and your ex-partner to be able to think about arranging contact or giving things another go in the future. Did the plan consider what would need to be in place should you decide to reconcile in the future?

Key points to think about are:

• Did you or your ex-partner attend any specialist domestic violence services? If not, then that would be something each of you should do as this would allow you both to understand more about the dynamics of domestic violence, the impact on children, how to address violent behaviour and how to keep safe.

• As queried earlier, have each/both of you had help in relation to your emotional needs? Do either or both of you have ongoing needs?

• Was the contact centre arrangement supervised or facilitated by children’s services and if so was an assessment made of the contact between father and daughter and what did it say?

If the situation has improved then of course you and your ex-partner would be in a better position to argue that you have made the necessary changes and reduced any risk of harm. However, I would strongly suggest that you discuss with children’s services and ask them to risk assess before making any changes to the current situation.

I do understand how disempowering the whole situation must feel. As her mother, you have legal responsibility for your daughter. You are a parent with parental responsibility (PR). Her father most likely has PR too, if you were married or if his name is on your daughter’s birth cert. Children’s Services don’t have parental responsibility unless they have a court order. However, their recommendations about what should /should not happen do need to be taken seriously as they could consider legal action if concerned that a child is at serious risk of harm. Children’s services are looking to you to be the protective parent and it is important that they are satisfied that you can continue to do so.

Your daughter’s father can seek independent advice and even ask the courts to decide on contact arrangements, if need be.

Do you/or social workers have any concerns that contact with the paternal family could put your daughter at risk? Are they aware of the previous child protection concerns and plans? If unsure you should ask the social worker to clarify for you if they would be worried if your ex-partner’s family had contact.

We have some FAQS about contact arrangements for children when there is domestic violence and domestic violence advice generally which might be useful to you.

I hope this is helpful to you. Every family’s situation is different but where there has been domestic violence and a child protection plan previously in place due to this it important to always make safe plans for yourself and your child.

Other parents who have been through similar difficulties and moved forward may be able to add more to this thread.

Best wishes


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