Advice please

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:08 am

Hi i am just after some advice i will explain the situation.
I was with my ex partner for 6 years we have a son who is now 2.
My ex partner used to enjoy a drink and my son stayed with his Nan on saturday night which would allow us to go out and enjoy the night.
There we 3 occasions where my partner got silly and we argued which resulted in the police being called he was arrested once for being abusive
I was arrested the second time for us arguing in the street and a witness said i had attacked him but it was more he was trying to get me home in the car and i was drunk and and i pushed him away from me when the police came i got a bit lippy
The 3rd we were both arrested he had accused me of drink driving after the breath test i was found under the limit i said hed kicked me in my leg so he was arrested to. We were both realesed the next day. I expected childrens services to be phoning although my son was not present during these inncidents
They came out and said they wanted to do and assessment which they did i was honest with them and said we had seperated and id decided to have no contact. They wanted to speak to my sons nursery and a check which came back fine. Im the report they had said they had closed the case due to me and my partner being split. To be honest they were really nice and just said if i needed anything to call. It was obvious my son had a good relationship with us both. Nothing was put in place to stop my sons dad seeing him i had even said to the lady i hoped we would be able to talk again one day but as everything was so heated i would just speak to him through his mum at the moment. This was 5 months ago. Since then we have got on really well his dad is attending a drink prgramme and had decided he will cut drink out of his life he has been in touch with respect and is doing a dv course which i do feel is quite sad for him as although it says he was domestically abusive he is in no way a man with a volient hsitory on women and anyone who knows him will say what a genuine person he is but he feels he should do this to help. He has been to the gp and had been diagnosed with deppression which it seems he has been suffering with for a long time. We have since taken my son out together and we plan to do the co parenting at his mums for christmas. It does state on the report that all these incidents were alcohol related. I do understand that being physical to each other in anyway is wrong and i am not taking that factor away. It did also say on the report that if we were to resume our relationship they would be worried about any potential inncidents affecting my sons emotional well being whicb again i fully understand i wanted to see how things went with us and i was then planning to be intouch with childrens services to ask if they would come out and re assess on the actions of whats been done between my and my ex partner. I do feel worried they will say we cannot have a realtionship and beilive me if they did they did say that i would not be having one. I was hoping they may be able to support us as a family in some way instead of that. What are your thoughts?

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Nov 08, 2017 2:22 pm

Dear Sally342,

Welcome the Parents Forum and thank you for posting.

I can see that children services carried out an assessment, due to worries about domestic violence and dads use of alcohol.
The assessment went well and because you and dad separated, they closed their case, without offering any support.
However, I am surprised that children services did not say how contact could be managed? Usually, children services would have been worried that further incidents might happen when you hand over your son to dad for contact. So for example, they might have suggested that a relative be assessed to help or there be supervised contact.

It is very impressive to see that dad is doing a DVIP programme and is also addressing his alcohol use and is getting treatment for his mental health. These steps are likely to reduce his risk to you and your son.
Have you been offered any courses or support? Women’s aid could advise you of local support such as the freedom programme, counselling and setting up a safety plan.
Children services assessment report says that they would be worried about your son’s emotional wellbeing if you and dad spent time together. As you are now spending time together, I am sure they will be concerned and will want to carry out a fresh assessment. As your son is 2 years old, he will be at high risk of being impacted by domestic violence but also is unable to protect himself so will rely totally on you as mum.

I suggest you get in touch with the social worker as soon as you can, and let her know how things have moved forward. Advise her of the progress that dad has made and let her know that you have spent time together and want to carry on doing so. You will have to explain why you believe dad to be safe (given the work he has done) and so have gone against her recommendations. Do children services know already? Has anyone, such as your husbands GP or the DVIP coordinator contacted them?


You ask about the possibility of children services saying you need to separate. Yes, they may expect your contact with dad to stop until they have a better idea of the changes he has made and have assessed whether he is still risky. Here are our FAQ’s about domestic violence and children services.

If you have any questions please post again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,

Suzie

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 4:52 pm

At the time his mum was coming to collect my son and drop him back. These incidents were on a night out involving alcohol my son has never wittnessed anything at home.
Last edited by Sally342 on Wed Nov 08, 2017 6:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 5:00 pm

Also it said if we were to resume our relationship not spend time together. When you say carry out another risk assessment how do they do that?? Do they go on what his Dad has done and has achived now? And how i feel and how my son presents with his Dad? Or do they just piont blank turn around and say No

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 6:24 pm

Also i should have explained his mum has been with us when we have been to the park with her other grandchikdren and i take him to his mums when his mum or Dad is there so in that respect it is nothing different to the beginging apart from we didnt speak at that piont this should have been posted in one

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 6:28 pm

Y

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:08 pm

Thanks for posting again.

You ask about how a further assessment will be carried out.
if they decide to assess, they will want to assess the changes dad has made. Is it now safe for you and dad to be together in front of your son? I assume it will be much safer than it was, given the courses dad is doing-but they may still want this assessed.
They will have already got the history, so will not need to go back into depth.
As an assessment can take up to 45 working days or 9 weeks, I thought they may advise you and dad to remain separated during the assessment. This is so they can be sure that dad has completed the courses. But at the end of the assessment there would be a decision as to whether you could resume a relationship, if you wanted to. Why don’t you call our advice line or speak to Women’s Aid in confidence.
For your own piece of mind and to ensure your son is safe, you should ask the social worker about the changes and whether it is safe for you and son.
Best wishes,
Suzie

Sally342
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 02, 2017 12:08 pm

Re: Advice please

Postby Sally342 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:10 pm

Thank you for your help i will take the advice


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