Trying to remain calm

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Trying to remain calm

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:08 pm

Dear Eris,

Welcome to the Parents forum.
I am so sorry to hear about the abuse you have been suffering. I can understand how scared and worried you are about children services sleepless nights.

But clearly there is no immediate worry from children services, as the next meeting is in September and children’s service’s want to speak to the school and other professionals involved. (This is the normal part of the assessment).

If they thought your children were in imminent danger, then they could have asked that your partner leave the family home-temporarily-while they carry out the assessment or offer you and your children emergency housing or a place in a refuge. This is to keep you and your children together instead of removing them.

Your children cannot be removed from you without either your agreement or a court order giving them legal authority. A court will only grant an urgent order if your children were in imminent danger or at serious risk.

To help you, I strongly advise you get a domestic violence advocate (IDVA) or support worker via a domestic violence organisation such as Women’s aid or your local resource.
An advocate can help you access support that you might be entitled to (such as the freedom programme and counselling for you and your children). An advocate will also be able to help you communicate with the social worker. The advocate can also put forward your views at the MARAC meeting, if it takes place and support you at any children services meeting such as child in need or a child protection conference. She will be able to explain how your children might be suffering now.
Here is our leaflet- with links to support such as an advocate.

It is important that you continue to work with the social worker. She will also run things past her manager-this may be the person who referred your case to MARAC.
This is also an opportunity to request more support for your non-verbal son.
I can see that your partner is struggling to parent your non- verbal son and children services may be worried that he is being emotionally abused as well, though it may not be intentional.
The social worker as part of her assessment should also be looking to see what support might be available.
When was the last time your son was assessed? You and your partner as carers for him could also be assessed to see what support you might need. Please look at advice sheet 4 family support.
Or you could contact National Autistic Society or Young Minds about support available in your area.

The abuse is of me, not of the children - although I do accept it is really not good for them to see how he speaks to me


The law has been strengthened against domestic violence over the last decade- so I want to address this here.

The law says children services should become involved, when there are concerns about possible domestic violence and children are in the household.
This is because:
• research has shown domestic violence is abusive to children. Children witnessing domestic violence can be emotionally abused leaving them feeling scared and anxious. Research has shown that children who have experienced this, can go on to have long term mental health problems. Children can get caught in the cross fire, suffering injuries and death themselves. So children may need specialist support to recover from what they have witnessed.
• Because it is very difficult, sometimes impossible, for victims (survivors) to get out of the relationship on their own. Not only that, research shows that domestic violence can escalate and become more severe and more dangerous when a person tries to leave.
• Domestic abusers are more likely to physically abuse children.
• Domestic violence also impacts the mental health of those that suffer it, which in turn can affect parenting skills. It can much more difficult to parent a child when you are depressed, for example.

I hope this post helps but if you have any questions please post again or call our advice line.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Eris
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:58 am

Re: Trying to remain calm

Post by Eris » Sun Aug 27, 2017 12:22 am

Thanks for replying.
I do know that abuse of me is abuse of my children also. I don't think I expressed myself very well. I just wanted to draw a distinction between direct abuse of them and abuse that occurs through me. I also do a lot of hard work to counteract that as best I can. It will never be enough I know.
I know they are not going to take my children away imminently, no. But i am being forced into a corner, and I will have to leave at some point down the line. It will be disastrous financially as I won't be able to afford to buy a house yet will have too much money to receive benefits afterthe house sale. Yes, I know there are other permuatations but that is the most likely.
I will have to leave and maybe it will turn out to be for the good, I'm as bad as him I guess for staying and letting the abuse happen.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Trying to remain calm

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Aug 29, 2017 10:04 am

Hi Eris,

Thank you for posting back. I can see that you do have good insight into the effects of domestic abuse. I just wanted to re-iterate why children services become involved when there are concerns about possible domestic violence.

I forgot to mention that there are also courses/ support that your partner can do to reduce his risk, so he may not have to move out, or the family could stay together long term.
Respect offer advice and support to alleged perpetrators. They can signpost to courses locally to where you live.

Here is information for fathers on our young parent's website.

if you have any questions, please post back.

Best wishes,

Suzie

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