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Unsure and in need of advice being partner of an offender.

Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:10 pm
by Chancing
I apologise if this is in the wrong place I wasn't quite sure where to post it but I could really use some advice. I have recently started seeing a guy. We have known each other for a couple of years but neither was interested in a relationship, but eventually it just went that way.
The problems are this, he has 2 previous convictions for rape of his partner ( now ex). He was sentenced to 7 years custodial and 3 years on license. I am aware this is a heavy sentence, and we have talked long and hard about how to proceed. He has always followed the guidelines. He informed me fully of his offences. Explained the courses and pocedures he has to go through. He informed his SW as soon as our situation even looked like it would become more than casual friends.
He is very afraid of doing anything wrong and going back to jail, and has asked me to ensure I keep ,myself safe and aware.

So that brings me to here, I have four children aged 19, 15, 11 and 10. The older two are girls the younger two are boys. He has NO convictions against minors, and he had been in a long term relationship with the woman he assaulted. He has never assaulted any other partners before, and has been to afraid to get involved since. I believe they consider him a medium risk of reoffending at the moment.
What I would like to know is what to expect once he declares to his SW that we would like to take things futher and more seriously.
I am not naive, I understand very well that this is something that may have to continue being addressed for the entirety of his sexually active life. That whilst he may not be a direct risk to my younger children,the boys, that by hurting me he would be putting my children at risk. I also understand that my older two girls Would be at risk should this become something more serious and we take it futher.
There has been no contact with the kids and there won't be unless we decide to make a commitment to our relationship. But I have discussed it with my eldest and she has been amazing. But I could use some extra support and advice on what to expect from the authorities.
Are there any support groups for partners of sex offenders, in particular , partner rapists.

Re: Unsure and in need of advice being partner of an offender.

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2016 4:13 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear Chancing

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Forum. You have posted in the correct place.

My name is Suzie, online adviser, at Family Rights Group.

From your post I can see that you are very concerned about what starting a relationship with someone you have known for a long time might mean to you and your children because of his background.

As he is currently on release from prison and engaging with his probation officer (not sure it is a social worker as in your post) that is good. You say that his conviction related to rape but it is not clear whether there are any conditions to his licence in respect of whom he can or cannot be around. Having said that, even if he has no restrictions, if a referral is made to children services about your relationship it is likely they will have concerns about you and the children. It is likely to be seen as a safeguarding issue because of his conviction. I assume that he is on the sex offenders register.

If he discloses to his probation officer that he is in a relationship with you, then he or she will have a duty to inform children services because you have children. Once children services receive a referral a social worker is likely to contact you to discuss the referral. I have included a copy of our advice sheet about this initial process.

Depending on the concerns that children services have, a decision will be made whether to carry out child in need or child protection investigation. If you do want to have a relationship then you could ask children services to carry out a risk assessment of him and ask what else would be needed from you and him to ensure the children are safeguarded. It is possible that children services say that he is to have no contact with your children unsupervised or at all. If you agree to this, then you would have to make sure that you do not breach it and, if for any reason, he were to come in contact with the children you would have to inform them straightaway rather than them getting the information from someone else. The reason I say this is because children services could take the view that you cannot be trusted to safeguard your children.

You have clearly thought this through and it would be important for the social worker to know that you have considered how to protect your children and yourself.

It is difficult to say what will happen and the above is a brief explanation. How things progress will depend on what children services find out about his background, whether you have been in a previous domestic violence/abuse situation.

I have included copies of our advice sheet about child protection procedures[ and child in need which you should read for more detailed information.

I think you will are likely to get good advice from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on this number 0808 100 0900.

The link for the Prison Reform Trust is here as this organisation may be able to provide you further advice and information.

A link is here where you can find more information about the kind of programmes that might be available to your friend as a sex offender.

Should you wish to speak directly with an adviser, please feel free to telephone our free, confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

I hope this is helpful

Best wishes,


Re: Unsure and in need of advice being partner of an offender.

Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:55 pm
by Chancing
Thank You very much for your response to my post. It was very helpful. I apologise if some things were unclear, it's not an easy thing for me to talk about.
He was sentenced to 7 yrs custodial sentence and served 4, with a 3 yr extention in the community which his license ends 2020 and He is the on sex offender register for life but can appeal to get off it after so may years. The restrictions placed on him are with regards to his ex partner. He can't contact her or go with in a certain distance of her home ,work and is banned from visiting the shopping centre near her.
Also as part of his conditions he must inform his SO(it is his support officer ) and his OMO(offender management officer) if he wants to embark on a relationship.
He also attends a group to help challenge and modify his behaviour,he attends this every week.

So far we have just continued to see each other socially as we have done for the last couple of years but we both feel there is something worth pursuing.
I have no history with abusive partners and my previous relationships were 3years and 9 years. Both of which ended amicably and still are many years later.
I am willing to engage with his social worker and his group advisor has asked if I felt there were any other units that I believed would help him. I was aware that child services may become involved and am willing to abide by the decisions they feel are necessary to ensure my children and I remain safe. My friend has agreed the same, that he will abide by any decisions the services request.

I hope this sheds more light on our situation and if this gives you any other ideas that might be helpful I would gratefully receive them. I very much appreciate the time you have put into the advice you have offered.

Yours sincerely Chancing.

Re: Unsure and in need of advice being partner of an offender.

Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 2:12 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear Chancing

Thank you for your further post.

As stated in the previous post, once your friend and you decide to be in a formal relationship, as you have children a referral will be made to children services. If you are both prepared for that then I hope things will go well for you.

Try to be as involved and proactive as you can with whatever programme is in place to help your friend. This will show that you are putting your children’s interests and needs before your own wish to just be in a relationship.

You must understand that children services’ investigations will be in depth and intrusive. You will need to be able to fully cooperate with any assessment being carried out.

It is of course possible that children services might say, as previously advised, that as your partner he is not to be with your children unsupervised. You must consider if this is something you will be able to work with in a relationship. I suppose there is a possibility that you could have a relationship where he does not actually live with you but all of this will depend on how children services view your situation and any concerns they have about your partner. Safeguarding your children will be their main concern.

Please read the advice sheets which were included in the previous response to your post.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

Best wishes