Worried confused and still in love..social services

Greycat
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:02 pm

Worried confused and still in love..social services

Postby Greycat » Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:47 pm

Hello all.
I am a mother of one. He's 6 years old and brilliant. ..I love him to bits. I split with his dad a couple of years ago and got a new partner and fell deeply in love. He's always been great with my son and took him out swimming and on his bike and had lots of fun and buit a good bond.
Unfortunately we have had a stress full year with court cases ..one where I had to take a criminal to court and one where he was applying for contact for his kids. When I got with him..his ex stopped him from seeing them as I met them too soon I admit.

There were a couple or small incidents where I called the police as at one point when we broke up as he kept turning up and another where he pushed me. Then he broke something and shouted in front of my son. My son and I then left to stay at my parents and he changed the locks as he was angry and I had thrown him out before. He admits it was immature and he was very sorry and is getting different types of counselling ...he has issues because of his dad ect

that was 3 months ago. ..we worked on it and talked a lot..a lot and more! He had more counselling ...we have fallen back in love and moved back in together
All this was great and picture perfect family playing ect...then social services met with me.
Obviously that has changed it all. They've said they can't tell us what to do but said they need to be involved and take steps if we continue to live together. ..I was upset and crying and said I was worried about them taking my son off me and she did state that she didn't ever say that.
So now my son and I have moved into my parents until he moves out so we can move back in.
I've been talking to him but my son hasn't seen him.since the meeting. It's all really sad and we were all eventually extremely happy. They have torn our family apart that we have worked really hard to develop.
My ex/would be partner is really trying to better himself all the time. ..neither of us were ever hurt!
Now I am in bits worrying and stressed about all the moving around. He's at the house for another week or 2 until he moves into his new place ...
I think I'm doing everything right. I still love hI'm deeply. I hope we can have contact at least ..if we don't live together and he doesn't see my son yet.... I'm not sure what's next. Do I really need to choose between my beautiful child and the love of my life? He's not perfect but is extremely loving and we have many happy times.

Greycat
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 11:02 pm

Re: Worried confused and still in love..social services

Postby Greycat » Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:49 pm

To add...I know this is partly my fault for calling the police a few times ..I feel silly now as this is obviously a process they have to follow. .I've never been worried he would hurt my boy ever. ..

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Worried confused and still in love..social services

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Feb 24, 2017 12:28 pm

Dear Greycat,

I am sorry to hear about the difficult year you have had. I can see how stressful things have been and this has impacted on your relationship with your partner.

Children services are now involved with your family due to worries about your partner being domestically abusive to you.

Unfortunately, your partner’s behaviour to you, fits the definition of domestic violence.
It had been necessary for you to call the police due to your partner coming to your home a lot-after you had separated and that he had also pushed you. He has also broken something in front of your son and shouted at you. He also changed the locks on your home so you and your son had to go and stay with your parents.

You did exactly the right thing by calling the police. I don’t think you would have done so, if you hadn’t been scared of your partner at the time.
If he were to behave to you in a similar way again, you should again call the police.

The reason why children services are involved, is due to the effects of domestic violence on children. Research has shown that emotionally, children can be caused long term harm-such as mental health problems. In the short term, your son would have been very scared, possibly traumatised, he relies on his mum to protect him, and it must have been very unsettling for him to be locked out of his home. If he had been caught in the cross fire when your partner pushed you, or hurt when the object was broken by your partner, he may have been physically injured. Being a victim of domestic violence can cause mental health difficulties in parents as well, which in turn can affect your parenting ability.
Have a look at our leaflet . It details the effects of domestic violence on children.


The good thing though, is your partner is recognizing that his behaviour has to stop. He is seeking counselling. That is excellent news. He has insight into the effects of his behaviour.
He could also speak to the helpline for perpetrators at Respect . They can advise him of courses to help him change his behaviour that are local to where you live.

Or children’s services can give him details of domestic violence intervention courses. Get him to email the social worker. The DV course may take 3 to 6 month or longer but he would be re- assessed at the end to see whether he is still risky to you and your son.
Many children’s services may not allow a partner back into the family home until this type of course had been completed.

But children services should also be providing you with support. They cannot just say that you have to separate and then leave you with no support. It is incredible difficult to seek help –sometimes it takes years for those who have suffered domestic violence to do so.
Normally, children services would expect you to undertake domestic violence support such as the freedom programme and counselling. Have you been offered an independent domestic violence advocate? To find out about support, you could contact Women’s Aid.

Children services should be considering your son’s needs. Even if he is not displaying unsettling behaviour, he may still benefit from play therapy, for example.


Your question is about whether you can continue in a relationship with your partner, if your son does not meet with him.
I think you should let the social worker know that if dad can get the support, you would like to re-unite with him.
Ask can you still see him in the meantime, if your son is not present? Ask them to prepare a contract of expectations ( or written agreement) so you knows what you can and can’t do. If they say no, ask them to explain their decision to you. You might then want to challenge the decision, if it seemed unfair.

Yes, you have to cooperate with children services.
So you would need to choose your son or your partner. As things stand, it is potentially too dangerous for your son.
If you were to put your son at risk of witnessing domestic violence, children services are likely to consider escalating to child protection level or higher. So be honest with children services.
However, if your partner does the dv programme and is re-assessed as safe, and you continue to cooperate with professionals, then a decision for you to re- unite safely, could be made.

Here are FAQ’s . look at the ones about domestic violence.




I hope my advice helps. If you have any questions, please post back.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Chancing
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2016 2:39 am

Re: Worried confused and still in love..social services

Postby Chancing » Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:36 pm

Hey Greycat,
I just wanted to say hi and reassure you that you have done the right things in response to your partner/ex's behavior.
As a mother myself and having been in an abusive relationship and survived the social services, I wanted to add a few points.
First of all, you did absolutely the right thing calling the police, no if buts or maybes. Your son will have been unsettled by his experiences, whether it shows now or not.

Domestic violence never starts with punching and kicking.
It starts with quiet intimidation and forcing themselves in your personal space. Shouting, controlling your space, damaging your stuff.
It can take months,even years to escalate, but it always does.
It's great that he is getting help for his problems, but what about you?
You need to be secure in yourself that you will continue to put an immediate stop to this behaviour should it arise again.
Your already regretting calling the police, that's a big mistake.
The one thing the social workers want to see is that you will put your son above your relationship. That you can protect him. And should there be a repeat of any threatening behavior you will call for help.
Work with them,ask questions, if they offer parenting advice or parenting classes for victims of abuse. Take them up on it, even if you don't believe it's necessary.
The more interactive you are with them the more likely they are to believe you have your sons best interests at heart.
I also think you and your ex should consider couple counselling or mediation since domestic abuse is about patterns. And you need to be able to spot them and avoid them finding better ways of dealing with confrontations or disagreements.

Lastly, face up to what this is.
Any violence in the home where you no longer feel your safe is domestic violence.
The SW don't care if you and your man love each other, they don't care if he is in therapy or that he is a great dad.
All they want to know is if you will put your son first always. Can they trust you to call the police if an episode occurs, to remove your son and yourself from the situation as soon as it's possible.
They can't tell you who you can or can't date, but if they don't believe your sons welfare is more important to you than your relationship they will become a felt presence.

You have little to be worried as far as them taking your son. I can't see any evidence for that. Providing your partner(ex) doesn't have any past convictions pertaining to spousal abuse or DV, etc.

I really do wish You All the best for your family and your future.


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