Coercive relationship

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Runnermum16
Posts: 45
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2019 2:33 pm

Coercive relationship

Post by Runnermum16 » Sun Dec 29, 2019 12:06 am

My ex partner was and still is a coercive controlling man and manipulated me quite aggressively throughout our relationship. Dictating what clothes I should wear, mocking me in front of people including family and our children, accusing me of cheating, often making me feel guilty about going to work, accused me of doing favours so I got paid more at work, constantly asking what I spent my money on etc

Recently this controlling behavior has become illegal and people can be prosecuted and in some cases imprisoned. I have attended counselling for my historical relationship issues and have now come to accept that I was and am the victim of a domestic abuser. This has shocked me and still upsets me, but I still do not believe that anything can ever be done about this man's attitude towards myself as its completely my words against his. Obviously he will deny ever doing any of these things and he still doesn't understand why I left him.

To make matters worse, the social services have given him full custody of our children, giving him full control of the access I have. I now fear that he is controlling them emotionally as their atitude towards me has changed. They have mentioned spending more time with me, but they don't know how or when.

I am at a total loss at what to do and where to go, I can tell my children don't want to go back to his as when he collects them they are never ready and do anything to stay at my home longer... I feel they are terrified about suggesting staying at mine any extra.

I spoke to the social worker about his behaviour and they said that he doesn't come across as that kind of person. My counsellor is disgusted that this behaviour has just been brushed under the carpet.

Speaking out about control is the best thing I have ever done and now I am no longer afraid. Please don't suffer in silence, you are not alone and it is not your fault....

197777
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:35 pm

Re: Coercive relationship

Post by 197777 » Tue Apr 14, 2020 1:44 pm

Iam in the same situation I can only have contact 2 hours Wednesday and 6 hours on a weekend supervised and he is blatantly using Coronavirus as an excuse to stop that my daughter is 6 years old and he is allowing 15 min a morning facetime sometimes he has the sound off so only she can hear me he has shouted and upset her because she didn't want to hang up and also told her to only speak about herself when talking to me she is now not really even speaking to me worried about getting told off he has people in his house but wont let me see her because of Coronavirus

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2629
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Coercive relationship

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Apr 17, 2020 2:50 pm

Dear 197777

Thank you for your post.

From what you say there may be a Child Arrangements Order in place with (in normal circumstances) direct contact agreed for you and your daughter. I am sorry to hear that contact with your child is being curtailed by her father during the outbreak of the coronavirus.

It might be useful for you to keep a note of the changes the father has made to the contact arrangements if you think that they have drastically strayed from the original Order and challenge them at a later date.

The Courts and Judiciary service has published a statement about contact arrangements for those in private law situations, you may find it here. We at FRG have some tips about contact for those with children in the care system, whilst this is not the case for you they may give you some helpful ideas, the document is here.

I hope this information helps.

Best wishes

Suzie

197777
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Dec 19, 2018 6:35 pm

Re: Coercive relationship

Post by 197777 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 1:26 pm

Thank you suzie I had already gathered that he has all the rights to stop contact and i completely agree that my daughters health is priority and parents should work together for the child but he has no regard for my daughters feelings or wishes and I just no her dad isn't sticking to all of the rules of self isolation or social distancing and I'm terrified hes actually putting her in danger but my hands are tied

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