Advice please help

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Stardust
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 10:11 am

Advice please help

Post by Stardust » Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:20 pm

Please bare with me this is my first-time posting but I am so scared of what is going to happen.
My husband was arrested for sexual activity with a 14 yr old and is currently on bail.
We know that he is going to have to serve time inside but my big concern is what happens when he comes out. I have been with him 19 years we have toochildren 3 an 10.
Cs contacted me the day of his arrest saying he was hi risk an could only see the children when supervised but that couldn't be by me. 2 weeks past were my children hadn't seen there dad as no was getting back in touch with me on what was happening.
They finally did an said they could see him as long as some one else is there an not at the family home.

I have since been in touch several times to see what is happening to keep been told they will pass the message on an they will ring me back but nobody has. We haven't even got a sw assigned yet nobody has been to speak or the kids. I have no idea how this works or what they process is.
I no with my whole heart he hasn't an never would hurt the kids and I am wanting him to return home possibly before he's sentanced but deffinatley afterwards is this even possible. Even if he can't live with us for a while I'm hoping he can live near us so we can all have contact surely they will not cut him off from the kids completely surely they have consider what they children also want.
Thanks for reading x

misty blue
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:23 am

Re: Advice please help

Post by misty blue » Wed Aug 22, 2018 9:28 pm

I would also like two see your reply as my problems very much like yours.

Kami2018
Posts: 97
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Advice please help

Post by Kami2018 » Thu Aug 23, 2018 12:51 pm

If he has been charged the chances of him being ever to be able to return home is very slim

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2157
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Advice please help

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Sep 03, 2018 2:43 pm

Stardust wrote:Please bare with me this is my first-time posting but I am so scared of what is going to happen.
My husband was arrested for sexual activity with a 14 yr old and is currently on bail.
We know that he is going to have to serve time inside but my big concern is what happens when he comes out. I have been with him 19 years we have toochildren 3 an 10.
Cs contacted me the day of his arrest saying he was hi risk an could only see the children when supervised but that couldn't be by me. 2 weeks past were my children hadn't seen there dad as no was getting back in touch with me on what was happening.
They finally did an said they could see him as long as some one else is there an not at the family home.

I have since been in touch several times to see what is happening to keep been told they will pass the message on an they will ring me back but nobody has. We haven't even got a sw assigned yet nobody has been to speak or the kids. I have no idea how this works or what they process is.
I no with my whole heart he hasn't an never would hurt the kids and I am wanting him to return home possibly before he's sentanced but deffinatley afterwards is this even possible. Even if he can't live with us for a while I'm hoping he can live near us so we can all have contact surely they will not cut him off from the kids completely surely they have consider what they children also want.
Thanks for reading x
Dear Stardust

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser, at Family Rights Group and I apologise that you did not receive a response to your post sooner due to volume of work.

I see you are worried about the future with your husband following his conviction regarding sexual activity with a 14 year old. You say in your post that your husband is likely to receive a custodial sentence. The likelihood is that as well as being a registered sex offender, there could be restrictions relating to the contact your husband can have with children under 18. This may not include his own children provided there is supervision.

Children’s services seem to have ruled you out as a supervisor for contact between your husband and the children. Were you given a reason why they do not think you can safely supervise your husband with the children? It may be that children’s services is of the view that you are not putting your children’s needs first or minimising your husband’s offence or something else gives them cause for concern about your ability to safely supervise. Have you been engaging with children’s services since your husband’s arrest and have they asked you to do anything in particular regarding his offence and how it impact you and the children?

I do not think children’s services would be agreeable to your husband returning home before his sentence. No risk assessment would have been done of your husband and since he has been convicted and will receive a custodial sentence, he will not be in a position to do so at this stage.

From what you say, children’s services has not been as involved with you as you would like as your calls are not receiving a response. I suggest that you put in writing to children’s services your concerns that no one has been out to see you and the children. Explain that you want to work with them for the benefit of your children and how to move forward from what has happened. Ask what steps they will take to assess the family including your husband and the timescale for doing any assessment. You can also ask them to explain what their expectations are from you.

Ask for a written response so that you can be absolutely clear about their expectations.
It might be helpful for you to contact Lucy Faithfully Foundation on 0808 100 0900 or the NSPCC about get information about keeping your children safe and get an understanding of the concerns children’s services have and what you and your husband can to reduce any risk.

For your husband to return to the family home, it can take a long time working with children’s services and other supporting organisation. There have been situations where posters on this forum have said that with hard work and engaging with children’s services they have been able to have a family life.

Please read our advice sheet relating to An introductory guide to Children’s Services which explains the procedure when children’s services receive a referral and Child protection procedures which I hope will help you to understand your current situation a little better.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, do telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30am to 3pm.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

Stardust
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 10:11 am

Re: Advice please help

Post by Stardust » Tue Oct 02, 2018 7:46 pm

Thank you for your reply. Since I posted I got in touch again with children's services on the first day bac at school. She came out spoke to me wanted to know were i was in ny gead told he i was hoping to have a relationship with my husband in the future to which she said this was a concern for them. She also came back later to meet the children.
I told her that I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to hope fully make this happen by working with them been honest and doing any courses I could.
We got a letter to attend a child in need meeting last Wednesday. My husband also got the letter to attend with his dad. He phoned the social worker up as soon as he got it for her to go through what happens with him. She arrange to go round to see him. She recommended that he didn't go as he is suffering very bad depression anxiety ECT. She told him they do there best yo keep families together an that not attending would not go against him. She was happy as his dad doesn't no the full story only that it's allegations at the moment which he's been told to say as not been charged yet. When I attended the meeting she kept coming back to this about his dad. But is happy to carry on with the set up with have at the moment as it is working which is he supervisors the contact an I'm also there. She did say she would recommend that I can never supervise myself due to having a clouded judgment even tho I keep telling them I will do whatever I can. How can I to prove to them that I am capable of supervising on my own. She also said she would look into any courses or something but does not think anything is available round here x

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 153
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Advice please help

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 12:49 pm

Hello - I would imagine the 'clouded judgement' is where your current issues are. From a CS perspective you are condoning what your partner has done and you have not shown you understand the risk directly connected to this. I do not mean this in a nasty or judgemental way.

CS do not know you or your partner - they will look at only the crime. This might change in time? I wouldn't place a bet on this though.

Moving forward - it is very important that you can show them you understand the risk and therefore safeguard your children. This might require you stating that you acknowledge there is a risk and expanding further on this. Right now you are giving them mixed signals. They will not take that risk.

I hope the above makes sense to you. Might I also add this is simply looking at your situation as an outsider. I am simply a parent offering a viewpoint.

Stardust
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2018 10:11 am

Re: Advice please help

Post by Stardust » Wed Oct 03, 2018 1:48 pm

Thank you for your reply. I do not condone what he has done at all but can see they will think that as I still want to be with him. It was me that thought that something wasn't right and was me that got the evidence to prove this.
Apart from lookibg at course available an doing the ones I can I don't no what else I can do to prove to cs x.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 153
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Advice please help

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Wed Oct 03, 2018 5:37 pm

Hello again,

I can understand why you will continue to support your partner. Unfortunately with CS their thinking is very black and white. It is the easy option for them to pick up on certain things you say and discard the rest. They have happily discarded the part where you actively safeguarded.

My advice would be to put in writing how you would go about supervising your partner around the children. For example, you could write 'I would supervise whilst out in the community with another person present incase my sole attention was required to attend our child.' You could also include...'I do not condone what my partner has done and I will not make excuses for his past behaviour. My main focus is to promote a healthy relationship between a father and his children. Please could you suggest how I might go about this? I thank you in advance for your prompt response.'

If you included wanting to pursue your own relationship they will accuse you of prioritising your partner over your children. Which in reality is not what you have done. At this point in time I would focus on the contact. The rest is a battle for another time.

This way, your words can not be taken out of context.

I would send this as an email to both SW and team manager. If you do not have their email address? I would phone and request this.

I hope this helps?

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