can our relationship survive??

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Joined: Sun Jul 22, 2018 7:10 pm

can our relationship survive??

Post by Worriedashell » Wed Aug 15, 2018 9:42 am

I have been with my partner just over 8 years, in Feb last year police turned up at my work saying they’d arrested my partner and needed to search my home, o was in total shock,
Long story short he had been on a dating site (forget the name of it) anyway he was chatting to someone that was he believed to be under age (it was actually an under cover police officer) this went on for 7 weeks he sent 1 picture and 1 video never asked to meet never asked for sex (I read all court transcripts so this is not only what he told me it’s the actual facts) anyway he was caught and eventually charged with “grooming” he had to move out of the family home to his mothers as my daughter is a teacher and lives at home, so due to safeguarding her school made her sign a no contract order, (we were told by his ppu Officer we can appeal this due to her being 25 not a child but this would mean her being suspended whilst it was investigated and she’s worked hard for 7 years to get where she is so we all agreed this is not an option)..
after 11 months of absolute hell he was sentenced to 20 months 10 years on register, he is currently serving his prison sentence (10 months) and is due out in 17 weeks,

Myself his family my family and all our friends have stood by him 100% (it’s a very complex story which I will go into if need be) anyway this is so not the guy we all know and love and he contemplated suicide because of all the hurt he’s caused everyone, he’s really struggling in prison and we can all see he firmly regrets doing such a stupid thing and is nothing but embarrassed and ashamed of his actions.

My main worry is he may have to go into a hostel after leaving prison and this will tip him over the edge we have found him somewhere to live and are just waiting on probation to approve or disapprove it.

I’ve spoken to his PPU Officer and he is off the view that very few relationships last through this kind of situation and I’m feeling like he’s telling me to walk away and move on, but I love my partner the only thing that comes before him are my children, although my daughter isn’t allowed contact she still cares for him and understands I love him and trust him to never do this again and although she’s worried for me she supports me, my son is 20 he is very angry mainly because it was all over papers and social media and his friends saw it all he thinks I should walk away, but will support me if I stay.

My ex husband (both kids dad) has been really supportive and says I know him better than anyone and since the kids aren’t young he has no qualms with my relationship with him

I 100% trust that Hel never do anything like this again I’ve seen the hurt he’s suffering and how severely disappointed he is in himself, but can we last through all the crap that probation/police/ppu are going to put us through?? Or am I simply fooling myself?? Is anyone else in a similar situation that can offer me any advice? I’ve contemplated counselling as a couple but he struggles to talk to me let alone strangers I just feel at a loss but don’t want to give up on him if we can make this work...

My bigger worry is the future my daughter isn’t a baby kinda person she’s always said she doesn’t want kids but what if she changes her mind? And there’s always my son my grandchildren could never have a relationship with my partner and I’m very hands on as far as kids go so how would that work I could never not see my own grandchildren but obviously he wouldn’t be able to be there...

Also we will have to live apart can we make that work?

Any help greatly appreciated

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: can our relationship survive??

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Aug 20, 2018 12:32 pm

Dear Worriedashell

Thank you for posting again with more details about your partner and your situation.
I see that your partner was convicted in relation to sexual offences and is serving a prison sentence and will be on the sex offenders’ register for 10 years.

As a result of your partner’s conviction your daughter who currently lives with you was asked by her employers to sign an agreement that she would have no contact with your partner. I am not entirely sure why they consider this to be necessary since her pupils will not be coming to her home or does she work with children at home. She may wish to look at the school's policy in situations such as this.

However, it appears that as a family you have decided that it was best for her to sign this agreement and this is entirely a matter for you and your daughter to decide.

I am not in a position to give you advice on your relationship with your partner but if you both wish to work on and continue your relationship then you will both have to decide how you move forward once he is released. Speaking to a counsellor might well help you both to work things out between your. Understandably, you have been with him for quite a long time but if he were to be in your home there may be concerns for children’s services about your grandchildren visiting your home in the future if your partner is in the home.

Children’s services could at the time carry out a risk assessment of your partner to decide the level of risk they consider him to pose to children. Your own position might be of concern of they think you could not protect a child because of your relationship with him but also would be something that children’s services would assess.

Your partner and you will have to decide what you want to do and what will work for you both but his past is likely to be an issue where children are concerned.

Maybe your daughter will decide in time to live somewhere else herself.

I suggest you speak with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation to see what support or help they can give you and your partner. Their telephone number is 0808 100 0900.

Hope this is helpful.

Best wishes


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