My husband downloaded indecent images

Sunnydaydream
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:55 pm

My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Sunnydaydream » Tue May 15, 2018 11:54 am

Hi,
I am new to this group so please bear with me. Last year my life was torn apart by a 6am knock at the door. Police arrived with a search warrant and to arrest my husband. They had 1 class A image which had been downloaded to the laptop. My husband had been on a chat room and someone sent him an image. He sent it straight back telling them “it’s not his thing” after the forensic report came back he was charged with 7 indecent images cat C ranging from 14-18 and NOT the original one they came to get him for.
We have a 5 yr old together and as soon as his arrest happened I moved away.
I cooperated with SS and told them where we were going. They got in touch with our new area SS who
Didn’t even come out as my report was fine with no issues. They “signed” me off.
My husband pleaded guilty 2 weeks ago at having the images as he’ll get a lighter sentence, he still maintains he has no idea how they got there as the forensic report says they weren’t downloaded and were in a “cache” which he wouldn’t be able to
access but for them to be there he would have had to open them first.
SS once again got in touch and I have ended up with a battle axe.
My head is all over the place, I’m depressed and have no idea about tomorrow let alone my future. My husband doesn’t live with us anymore and I don’t know what I’ll do if I’ll get back together or stay by myself, at the moment i am looking after our LO and taking one day at a time.
I’m in a very lonely and dark place and hardly ever leave the house.
My husband is classed as low risk, he got 18 months Community order and 100 unpaid hours. 5 yrs on SOR.
The SW was so anti my husband and doesn’t want my husband to have much contact with his dad, she told me he will go on to groom and then abuse. Do all offenders do this? He is classed as a child in need at the moment ... can this change?
He has always been an Amazing dad and our LO adores him. He would be so messed up if he didn’t get to see his daddy “his best friend” I have no idea what I do or where I go from here, I don’t even know what I want people to reply, I don’t really know a lot anymore.

DD2SS
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:56 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby DD2SS » Wed May 16, 2018 4:34 pm

Hi SDD

So sorry to hear about the situation your husband has put you in. It sounds like you need help and support, so please keep talking to friends, family, Lucy Faithfull Foundation, Samaritans... whoever you need to. Just keep talking!

I wanted to say a couple of things. While I understand that social workers are going to mirror the revulsion that most people have to child abuse, I would say that she shouldn't be saying that he will go to groom and contact offend. That is quite unprofessional - she is not an expert in adult sexual offending, nor does she have an individual risk assessment about your husband and the risk he may or may not pose specifically to your son. Clearly some men who online offend may have or go on to contact offend, but I think that most professionals would agree that most do not. That will depend on your husband's individual risk profile and multiple factors that are not reflected in the more general risk profiling by police and probation. Forensic psychologists and others can provide that level of evidence of little to no risk, but that information is needed. He also needs to understand that "low risk" on police/probation scores do not mean no risk to children or that it is sufficient evidence to resume normal contact with his son.

The truth is, no one knows at this stage what risk if any your husband poses, so it is quite correct that contact needs to be properly managed at this point. It sounds like you have done exactly the right thing and therefore withdrawn contact at this stage.

Only you will be able to say whether you want to reconcile your family and whether that involves you staying with your husband. Some people do reconcile, and some men who have offended have "normal" contact with their children. That will take time and probably professional intervention, with you playing your role as protector too.

Given that no one knows what risk your husband poses to your son and he has shown evidence of a potential sexual interest in children, I would argue that the responsibility now lies with him to gather professional evidence on why he doesn't pose a risk to your son, not only for the sake of persuading childrens' services that that he is safe but for you quite rightly to be led by professional evidence, if that's what you want. I know that Lucy Faithfull do courses for both partners and offenders, and I'm sure they will be able to help. He must recognise that his actions have had a massive impact and will continue to have a massive impact not only regarding the offence itself but also on his son (and you, and I'm sure others), and the onus is on him to demonstrate that he can be trusted. He should perhaps engage with professionals in this area (psychotherapy maybe) if he believes that he wants to have a relationship with his son. It will be a long journey for you all, but at the heart of it he needs to take absolute responsibility for his actions.

Hope that helps.

Sunnydaydream
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:55 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Sunnydaydream » Thu May 17, 2018 7:04 am

Thank you so much for your reply. It made complete sense much more than the SW made to me. You are right it is him who needs to prove he is safe with our son. I still can’t believe he threw everything away. I can’t see a future with someone I don’t trust it’s just hard to move forward while I still “feel sorry” for him.
I will take your advice and talk to people as I have been strong for everyone else yet not for myself. I really do appreciate your reply, I truly thank you.

DD2SS
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:56 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby DD2SS » Thu May 17, 2018 4:47 pm

Hey, glad it was a bit of help. It's only natural that you should feel sorry for him, I wouldn't feel bad about that, but it doesn't change the fact he is the sole architect of the problem and he will need to do the legwork to (im)prove himself and that will take time. Remember your doctor too if you're depressed. Hope things get better for you, you sound stronger than perhaps you feel.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2020
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon May 21, 2018 4:36 pm

Dear Sunnydaydream

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such a difficult time.

You have already had some helpful advice and support from DD2SS. It is important to access some support for yourself as DD2SS suggests to help you and your son through your recent experiences and changes to your family life. Seeking emotional support is a positive thing to do and your GP is usually a good starting point. As you are currently caring for your son as a single parent it is particularly important that you take care of yourself and get the right help to do so; this will help your young son too.

I wanted to focus on the children’s services’ side of things. They became involved because of your husband’s arrest, guilty plea and subsequent conviction in regarding sexual images of children. Children’s services do need to become involved in these situations to assess the potential risk to your child. Children’s services are the lead agency when it comes to the welfare and protection of children. It is probably not helpful for you to try to explain your husband’s actions or explanations for his behaviour. I do think that you may find the Lucy Faithfull Foundation Stop It Now website and Parents Protect useful and informative as they specialise in working with all those affected by internet offending including partners of offenders. You might find this explanation of the criminal justice process on the Lucy Faithfull Foundation website helpful too.

You are currently separated from your husband, you have acted protectively and (I think) are not currently allowing contact. Your little boy has a child in need plan at the moment and you wondered if this might change? The child in need plan should be reviewed regularly so that it meets your son’s needs. It shouldn’t be in place indefinitely and if there are few or no issues could step down to an early help plan or end totally. But if concerns arose that your son was at risk of significant harm it could lead to a child protection investigation. This could happen if there were concerns that your son was not being safeguarded. This could be, for example, if he was having unsupervised contact with his father prior to a risk assessment taking place or in spite of a risk assessment which recommended that this should not happen.

Children’s services are looking to you to be the protective parent. However, they do need to work with you to explain what they mean by this and what they expect of you. So it is really important to find out what the child in need plan recommends, why they are making the recommendations and when the plan will be reviewed. I am sorry to hear that the current social worker is a “battle-axe”. That doesn’t make things easy! Especially if she is not discussing the situation fully with you. These tips on working with a social worker may help.

Any decision for your son should be based on his circumstances and a proper assessment of the situation including a risk assessment of your husband which your husband (as a father with parental responsibility ) can ask for. You may want to look into accessing a protective parenting course for yourself to help you in this situation. Your husband’s classification by Probation is relevant information but does not assess your son’s situation which is what children’s services’ responsibility is. It may be that as part of his community order your husband will undertake a specialist treatment programme of some sort. Again this would be relevant information which he should discuss with your son’s social worker. You rightly mention the strong relationship between your son and his father and his strengths as a father. However, it is for him to make sure that children’s services work with him too to properly assess him.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the social worker or her manager if need be. As your son’s main carer it is important that you are fully involved and fully informed about children’s services’ recommendations for your son.

If you would like to discuss the situation with an adviser, now or in the future, you can call FRG on 0808 8010366 Mon-Fri 9.30 – 3.00. Or if you have any new queries or the situation changes you are welcome to post again.

I hope everything works out.

Best wishes

Suzie

Confused2606
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:14 am

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Confused2606 » Wed Jun 13, 2018 3:32 pm

Hi,
I when looking at your feed I am very much intje very same position and you and the stories sound very much identical. We had a knock at the door, again 6 in the morning. Was all very confusing as they asked to view the electronic devices and didn't even scour any books, CDs or anything like that.
According to my husband's sequence of events the whole thing was bought about by a "porn addiction" if there is such a thing?? I don't know as I have never been onbut you can apparently download videos as part packages where maybe 6 or 7 come through. Thinking what was adult porn actually turned out to be videos of children. As he realised he then closed them down and could not delete them as it could leave a footprint all on the computer which the police are able to get hold of so he moved them across to the hard drive.
He then went onto some sort of what he thought was a genuine chat room designed for this kind of thing to try and find out how to remove them. Anyway my daughter was then born so he then managed to knock his "porn addiction" on the head.
5 months down the line we had this knock on the door and the police had said there has been an allegation of incitement to someone in this property meaning my husband. He got taken away for questioning, along with the hard drive as he then had to admit these images were on there. Turns out apparently as he was ignoring whoever this person was he was talking to on this chat room had maliciously put in this accusation of incitement. (this is all my husbands version of it by the way)
SS have obviously now been involved with the safeguarding of my little girl. The SW said exactly the same thing to me saying don't be surprised if the next step is grooming. Also has been playing my husband and I off against one another. He has now been cleared to see her whenever he likes providing his dad is there with him.
My next battle is I have now been diagnosed with depression like yourself and its so hard as you have to lock everything up for the sake of your children.
He was released pending investigation following his arrest. He did try to commit suicide on the day it happened as in my state of anger that he would no longer be able to see my little girl anymore.
I am now in the position that I do not kbow where to turn, whether I want to work on our relationship or not depending on what the charges are.
My other battle is my family as they said they will completely disown me if I did. I just don't know what to do and what to believe anymore. I feel like I could just run away and get away from this big mess! It's so nice to hear a similar story though. Shows that you are not alone

Sunnydaydream
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:55 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Sunnydaydream » Wed Jun 13, 2018 8:09 pm

Confused2606 wrote:Hi,
I when looking at your feed I am very much intje very same position and you and the stories sound very much identical. We had a knock at the door, again 6 in the morning. Was all very confusing as they asked to view the electronic devices and didn't even scour any books, CDs or anything like that.
According to my husband's sequence of events the whole thing was bought about by a "porn addiction" if there is such a thing?? I don't know as I have never been onbut you can apparently download videos as part packages where maybe 6 or 7 come through. Thinking what was adult porn actually turned out to be videos of children. As he realised he then closed them down and could not delete them as it could leave a footprint all on the computer which the police are able to get hold of so he moved them across to the hard drive.
He then went onto some sort of what he thought was a genuine chat room designed for this kind of thing to try and find out how to remove them. Anyway my daughter was then born so he then managed to knock his "porn addiction" on the head.
5 months down the line we had this knock on the door and the police had said there has been an allegation of incitement to someone in this property meaning my husband. He got taken away for questioning, along with the hard drive as he then had to admit these images were on there. Turns out apparently as he was ignoring whoever this person was he was talking to on this chat room had maliciously put in this accusation of incitement. (this is all my husbands version of it by the way)
SS have obviously now been involved with the safeguarding of my little girl. The SW said exactly the same thing to me saying don't be surprised if the next step is grooming. Also has been playing my husband and I off against one another. He has now been cleared to see her whenever he likes providing his dad is there with him.
My next battle is I have now been diagnosed with depression like yourself and its so hard as you have to lock everything up for the sake of your children.
He was released pending investigation following his arrest. He did try to commit suicide on the day it happened as in my state of anger that he would no longer be able to see my little girl anymore.
I am now in the position that I do not kbow where to turn, whether I want to work on our relationship or not depending on what the charges are.
My other battle is my family as they said they will completely disown me if I did. I just don't know what to do and what to believe anymore. I feel like I could just run away and get away from this big mess! It's so nice to hear a similar story though. Shows that you are not alone



Oh this has brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. The horrible thing is that we as innocent people suffer so much to and quite honestly without much support. I have rang Lucy Faithful twice but they don’t seen to be supportive.
I’m so sorry you are going through this to. I’m here so feel free to chat.
I keep getting told to phone the Samaritans but no one understands what it’s like.
I’m still waiting for the SW to get back in touch.
HUGS xxxx

Confused2606
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:14 am

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Confused2606 » Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:35 pm

Isn't it just absolutely gut wrenching? Everyone and I see why they say it are just telling me take each day as it comes but it really isnt always that helpful when you are the one in the position. I go to bed on a night thinking it will all be ok and gone away when I wake up. Then I wake up and think can't believe what has happened and it's an ongoing cycle.
The one thing in my mind that keeps going around and around is the day before it happened we took my little girl for her first trip to the seaside and we had the most amazing day before my world then came crashing down. Just seeing her little face in my memories that day just absolutely breaks my heart.
I even look at pictures in the house of him and one in particular where we got married and think as if I didn't know?? And he knew then and he just isn't the person I thought I married
SS are an absolute nightmare! She keeps turning up unannounced at our home which I and my daughter have moved back into whilst he now doesn't live anywhere near. Again using bullying tactics and pretty much barging her way through the door. The health visitor also had to be informed and I keep thinking when is this going to stop?? None of this is my fault yet I seem to be the one who is being punished.
Do you know I'm glad you didn't find them much good because I didn't either. I also called StopItNow and unless you are the perpetrator they just don't seem to be helpful at all!
I hope all is going ok with your situation too? Well as good as it can be. Yes definitely keep in touch, it's great to have finally been in touch with someone who actually knows the pain and confusion

Sunnydaydream
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:55 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Sunnydaydream » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:28 pm

Hi Susie,
Sorry for not responding sooner. I have actually had a bit of a breakdown and ended up being looked after by family. Thank you so so much for your advice, it really did help out things a bit more in perspective for me. I am now having more good days than bad, that could be the sunshine to. I still hardly leave the house unless I have to but little things like I now have the curtains open during the day, leaving my hallway door slightly open they are small things but mean I’m not putting up such a huge barrier against the world xxxx

Sunnydaydream
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:55 pm

Re: My husband downloaded indecent images

Postby Sunnydaydream » Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:48 pm

Hi Confused,
You poor darling, it really is gut wrenching isn’t it, and I totally get what you mean by a normal lovely day before and now your world is in pieces. I to have my most favourite photo ever of both my boys and my sons face is so excited as he was in the water, we were so happy, how did it all go so so so wrong?
I don’t know if I’m meant to give advice on here but we were screwed by legal aid so be careful, also the lawyers advice at the start wasn’t good. My husband pleaded guilty in the end and we now believe he should have done so at the start, it would have saved us a fortune! Also when we got our forensic report back it isn’t in as much detail as I’d have hoped, such as times, dates and especially the time between receiving the images and deleting them which for me was crucial. I know it sounds horrendous but if he had deleted them straight away I’d feel 100% he was innocent where as if they were deleted after 5/10 mins I’d believe he’d been looking at them... does that make sense?
I have seen a wonderful wonderful lady and she has helped me enormously, some of her advice I will pass on now, Don’t even think about if you have a future with him yet. It’s such early days that’s the last thing you need to think about, if it happens later on it will happen but you are going to go though so many different emotions from minute to minute the relationship can be sorted after. The next one which I find hard and I think you do to is we have to be kind to ourselves, if you want to do nothing then do nothing, if you want to eat crap, then eat crap, if your house is a mess don’t worry. The most important thing is like me our children are fed, clean and loved. They won’t remember the house being a mess or your hair unkept. Basically do whatever you want to day by day, don’t worry about letting people down or anything YOUR health is the most important thing at the moment. We didn’t ask for this mess and like you said WE are being punished it’s so bloody unfair!
I’m thinking about starting a support group for people like ourselves so that others don’t feel so alone either. Big love darling and remember this is a time for you to think about you xxx


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