Hi I am new here

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Joined: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:24 pm

Hi I am new here

Post by I*R* » Thu Dec 06, 2018 7:56 pm

Hello, Im new here, Had a terrible year and just split again from a violent relationship..
loved him to bits, but he has Aspergers and ADHD and when he flipped he flipped... always arguing and fighting.. was due to take baby home from special care 6 months ago. and he kicked off, and a fight broke out.. and wasnt allowed to take baby home... was given 26 weeks to turn life around and I didnt leave him, things got worse. baby is now up for adoption.. head all messed up.. went home to my mother after breaking away from him again.. and guess what ? pregnant again... this time I am really really trying to stay away from him... I know I have allowed him to destroy my life... How do you ladies cope when in a situation like this ? please help me to get strong... I need some good decent friends in my life to help me.

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Re: Hi I am new here

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:46 am


I am so sorry to hear of your baby being placed for adoption. When concerns of DV are had these are so serious for those tangled up with the perpetrator. I would have an off the record conversation with someone from the legal team who represented you. I suggest this because they will know your case. They will be able to advise you on what you can do now to improve your situation.

Can I ask if CS recommended any courses? Freedom programme or similar to educate you on the risks of staying with violent/controlling partners. You could look to see what courses are available in your area.

I would like to say well done for finding the courage to leave your now ex. This would of been a massive first step. If you feel the urge to return might I suggest you think of all the harm that relationship has caused.

You will be feeling very vulnerable now and it is a natural response to reach out for support. Please be very careful about establishing new friendships especially with people online. Not everyone has good intentions. So please do not give out personal information about yourself. So much has happened to you in a short period of time. Right now I suggest to concentrate on building yourself back up. Show you have learnt from your experiences. If CS suggest things to do - please do them. I won't lie, this will not be an easy road ahead of you and I don't know what the outcome will be. The person who knows the case will be in the best position to advise you.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Hi I am new here

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Dec 12, 2018 4:24 pm

Dear I*R*,

Welcome to the Parents Forum and thank you for posting. I am so sorry to hear about what has happened-the domestic violence you suffered, the care proceedings and then a decision made for your baby to be adopted.

You are pregnant and you want support to help you stay away from your exe. Here is some information about domestic violence and children services. that you might find helpful. There is a list of organisations you could approach for support.

Misery has made some helpful suggestions.
I think it is a very good idea to speak to your solicitor. Have they got a copy of the judgment from the court which will set out how the decision was made and why, in the courts view you were not able to care for your baby?
No doubt time (or lack of it) was a factor. Did you have time to complete all the recommended courses/support to help you understand the risks domestic violence poses to children? If not, these have to be a priority. You may have time to do them now. Women's Aid can advise you about support in your area.

What has changed since the care order was made? What else can you do to improve your situation and address the issues that were raised by the court? You will want to make a case to children services that your situation has changed for the better. That you will not be re- uniting with your exe -as this is what they will be expecting.
You could contact your local domestic violence resource to see whether you can get an independent domestic violence advocate( IDVA) to help you access help and support and to see what courses/ counselling you could start straight away.

If the father of your unborn baby is same father as your older child, let your solicitor know. If he has been assessed as very dangerous to you and your unborn child there will need to be consideration about him being notified and what support (refuge or managed move to safe accommodation) you could be offered.

Are you getting any counselling or support to help you deal with the loss of your daughter to adoption? By law, children’s services should have offered you an adoption support. Or you could contact After Adoption to see what support is available.

Was your mental health an issue during the last proceedings? If so, was there a psychological or psychiatric assessment? You should check the medical report that was filed in court to see whether any counselling or therapeutic support was suggested and speak to your GP about an urgent referral for the support.
It may be that the expert will be asked to re-assessed you if there are further care proceedings.

Because of the previous care proceedings, children services will want to carry out a fresh assessment. Either the GP or midwife will make a referral or you could yourself. Here is information about assessments .

Do you have any friends or family or “connected people” who could be assessed to see what support they could provide to you?
You could ask for a Family Group Conference .
At this type of meeting a plan can be made around support for you to care for your baby but also to look for people within your network who could take on the care of your baby if s/he cannot remain living with you.

I hope this helps but please post back if you have any questions or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

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