please help me

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

please help me

Postby rigger » Thu Feb 18, 2016 1:33 am

My wife and i had an argument she put a picture of her and her friends husband when he held her on the shoulders on a social network site as a profile picutre.my culture does not allow this.i grabbed her phone and she started to punch me.i pushed her on the neck in self defence and retreated.i wanted to go through her phone but it had a pin code no access.i threw the phone backon the bed and she took it back .she removed the picture and we made up and went to sleep.we had already had sex before the incident.in the morning i ask for sex and she said yes.i had my boxer shirts on.we both took her pyjamas off and she saud she wanted to have a wee.she got dressed and went to wee came back undressed herself and we did foreplay she put a lubricant on her vagina and we had sex.and we had a cuddle.we have had our problems on and off in the past.i have always pushed her away in self defence when she tried to attack me during argument.she is sometimes irresponsible by leaving cooker on and going to bed with kids.i have come across as rude when telling her not to leave cooker on.just like any couple we have our ups and downs.tbst morning we had sex and i went to work phoned her in the afternoon as usual.she started the argument about last night saying i didnt trust her.i put the phone down.on my way from work i was arrested on suspicion of assult and on suspucion of rape of my wife that morning.it was the shock of my life.i asked for a solicitor who explained allegations of my arrest .he advised me to answer all police question.after the interview the solicitor reassured me.i slept in police cell for 23hrs.they dud second interview with my wife.i was released on bail for 3 months.not allowed to talk to my wife and kids banned from going home.my wife and kids went to refuge.after 3 months i went to police station. rape allegation dropped by police.rebailed for a month for assault.a week before the rebail police phoned me not to come and said no further action for assault.my wife phoned me and apologised for rape allegation.we met up a week later had a meal together.5 days later we met again she came with kids.my daughter told the frirnds at refuge that we saw daddy.the refuge made social service aware.social service went to see my wife .got her to sign agreement that i not to have contact with kids.social worker told me that they are doing child protection investigation and i should attend child protection conference.i dont know what will happen.i worry i may not see kids again .i have done anger management course and safeguarding adults and children to address other issues we had problems with my wife over the years.me and wife getting back together iam not sure but still love her.i feel we need to live apart fir sometime after what happened.my wife told me she withdraw the assault allegation.she kerps apologising for rape allegation.we have always had consensual sex.i dont understand why she tried to put me in trouble.will we be allowed to live together again with kids.i dont wish this on anybody.we all thought the police case was finished and had been meeting up with kids and going for meals out .bowling etc.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2088
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: please help me

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Feb 19, 2016 5:17 pm

Dear rigger

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Forum.

My name is Suzie an adviser at Family Rights Group.

I am sorry that you find yourself worried about the possibility of not seeing your children because of Children Services involvement following allegations made against you by your wife.

The main concern that you have seem to be about the ongoing investigation by Children Services even though the police are taking no further action against you in respect of the allegations made by your wife.

It is important that you understand that difference between the police and Children Services when carrying out their respective investigations. The police are seeking to find evidence which means that there can be a case where the person can be found to have committed the crime ‘beyond reasonable doubt’. As far as Children Services is concerned, they are concerned about keeping children safe and to ensure that they are not at risk of harm. They consider it on the ‘balance of probability’. This means they are looking at different things so even if the police is not taking action it will not prevent Children Services continuing with their investigations.

I have included here a copy of our advice sheet which gives an introduction to Children Services. There are details about what they do when a referral is received. In your case Children Services are carrying out child protection enquires and our advice sheet about child protection procedures is also included for your further information.

Your wife was in a refuge because of the allegations she made against you to protect herself and the children. Children Services may have advised her that the children were not to have contact with you whilst their investigation was ongoing. Staff at the refuge and other professionals working with children have a duty to report any concerns they have regarding children’s safety to Children Services.

The social worker carrying out the child protection enquiries should meet with you as part of her investigation and explain exactly what is being done. They should be open and transparent with you and your wife about the process. You should be provided with a copy of the report at least 48 hours before the initial child protection conference if a decision is made to have one once the investigation is completed. Unfortunately, fathers are not always involved as much as they should be and I have included information from our website herespecifically for fathers, which will give you details of what you can expect and your rights as a father.

Our film about an initial child protection conference is here for your information.

It is really good that you have done courses and anger management to address the difficulties in your relationship with your wife. I suggest that you speak to the social worker and ask for arrangements to be made for your children to have contact with you. This contact is likely to be supervised whilst the child protection investigation is being carried out. If you have family members who could supervise contact you should tell the social worker about them.

The fact that you feel you and your wife should have time apart shows that you have insight into the difficulties and want to ensure that they do not continue if you do get back together. It might help you both to attend a service like Relate to access relationship counselling.

Regarding whether you and your wife will be allowed together will depend on whether Children Services consider that you are a risk to your children. If you and your wife decide that you do want to be together, then you can ask that they carry out a risk assessment to find out the level of risk posed and what support might be needed for the family to be together.

If there was an agreement that your wife would not meet with you and then she did so with the children, Children Services will be concerned about how honest and open your wife and you are being with them.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please do telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

Re: please help me

Postby rigger » Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:57 pm

Dear suzie

Thank you very much for the advice.i have just been to the child protection conference.there will be a child protection plan in place .i have asked about supervised contact with the children and its going to be arranged in a contact centre.my wife did not attend the conference but they were speaking to her on the phone during the conference in private and coming back.i dont know why was that.i will be doing the perpetrator programme and a further anger management course for 10 weeks as part of the plan.my wife and children will also be doing some courses.for now they will remain at the refuge.i did not receive the social worker report and i had to go to the conference early and looked at the report at children services.there are some things i did not agree with that my wife said about me and i told them in the conference and said i have only just seen the report.what do i do about it.its a good thing in my view that i will be part of the plan .given the courses they have asked me to do.is there a good chance of my family getting back together in the future.iam not just doing these courses just to get back with the family but clearly i need to change some of the things that were happening that was not good for the children and my wife.they were pleased when i produced some certificates of anger management and safeguarding adults and children.my wife and i will be send some minutes of the conference .

Once again thank you for the advice

Rigger

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

Re: please help me

Postby rigger » Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:40 pm

Hie suzie

Further to my post of 22 february 2016 which iam still waiting for your response.i would like to advise you that i have received a copy of the minutes of child protection conference.they have ommitted in the minutes the fact that iam doing an adapt course for domestic violence and a 10 week anger management course which the children service have agreed to pay for.they have also ommitted the fact that thay said i will be having supervised contact with the children at the contact centre.

What should i do about it please.

Rigger

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

Re: please help me

Postby rigger » Thu Mar 10, 2016 12:00 am

Hie suzie

Sorry can i also bring to your attention the risk factors identified in conference as well as the protective factors which only apply to my wife and children not myself

Risk factors
1 children have been exposed to significant domestic abuse and alleged rape by myself to my wife even though not charged by police.
2 my wife disclosed violence towards children by me.
3 my wife allowed physical contact between me and children
4 my son displaying aggressive behaviours
5 my wife dropped police charges against me .i only fiund out by police officer at conference.police previously said to me no futher action.

Protective factors
1 family fled home area
2 family fled abusive relationship
3 children have settled in their new school
4 children receiving support from experiencind domestic abuse
5 my wife attending freedom programme

None of my courses have been mentioned under protective factors.

rigger

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2088
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: please help me

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Mar 10, 2016 12:59 pm

Hi Rigger,

Thank you for posting again. I am sorry to miss your earlier post.

It is important that the minutes reflect what was said at the child protection case conference. The ones you have received do not.

As soon as you can, you need to email the minute taker or chair of the conference. Point out the discrepancies and ask that the minutes are amended and that the amended minutes are circulated to all the professionals who attended the conference.

I would also send a copy of the email to the social worker and ask that it goes on the file.
What about the child protection plan itself? Does it reflect that you have completed the courses? It may not need to but you could check with the chair.

Your local child protection procedures might say when the social worker should be sharing the report with the parents before the review conference.
You could ask the social worker whether you could see the report (even if it is in draft) at the right time before the review.
In respect of your other questions, it may be helpful for you to contact our advice line to discuss in depth. Or you could seek legal advice about what else you could so.

Best wishes,

Suzie

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

Re: please help me

Postby rigger » Fri Mar 11, 2016 11:02 pm

Hie suzie

Thank you i have emailed the chair and social worker with the requests and i will give you feedback once they get back to me.

Rigger

rigger
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Feb 13, 2016 7:52 pm

Re: please help me

Postby rigger » Sun Apr 10, 2016 11:31 pm

Hie suzie

I have now received a response from what you advised me above.even though my own understanding if what was said is above.the following is what their response was. Your view that there are omissions and errors in the minutes.in respect to the adapt course my understanding is that during the core group rather than in the conference you were advised by the team manager that a new social worker would explore issues of courses and funding with you.it was also in that context that team manager said a new social worker would explore issues related to contact with the children.in respect to the record of conference stating that children were exposed to significant domestic abuse and rape by myself to wife.i said to them i felt it should say alleged rape and their response was that i was correct that it should say alleged rape.the chair acknowledges this and offers her apology that this was not correctly recorded in the minutes she signed.a copy of child protection plan was sent to me they say but truly speaking i have not received it.also to let you know i have gone for assesment for the adapt course last week.they ask me to do self referral form because children service are taking long to refer me so its their policy to ask people to self refer so they can get the ball rolling.they hope i should start in 2 weeks.with regards to seeing the kids i dont understand why it needs a new social worker and seems to take long.i really want to start seeing them ASAP.from the feedback i have given you whats your advice suzie.

Thanks
Rigger

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2088
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: please help me

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Apr 11, 2016 4:16 pm

Dear Rigger

I am pleased to see that you received a response to your email and that the chair accepted the error and apologised. It also appears that you were given some clarification of the process in respect of where specific information was given. I do hope you are satisfied that your concerns were acknowledged and dealt with.

With regard to your concern about a new social worker being involved, this may be due to the fact that a different team takes on a case where there is a child protection plan. The first social worker may have been attached to the initial assessment team.

If you have still not received a copy of the child protection plan, then I suggest you explain that it was not received and ask for a copy to be sent to you.

You have accepted that things were not going well in the home for your wife and children and you are cooperating and undertaking courses that will help you to address your behaviour. This is very important as the children safety and that of your wife must be taken into account in this child protection process.

It is good that you will start the Adapt course soon and I hope this will go well.

Regarding contact, this will depend on what was agreed and stated in the child protection plan. If this is not clear then, write to the team manager/social worker to ask when your contact with your children will commence and ask for a timescale to be given.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, feel free to telephone our free advice service on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie


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