Honestly cant see the light

[ange301126]

Dear warthhog,It's nice to hear your update.
As regards this thread, you can see that it has been viewed over 40000 times.That must be a record!

I suggest that all parents follow your lead and keep everything on the one thread if possible as it makes it easier for everyone to follow.

What happened under the supervision order? Did the CS show little interest once your son was returned home as I predicted or did they offer you help and support to overcome the trauma they caused?

Here I quote yourself.

"My complaint remains how ever dont predict i will get anywhere, how ever i will be telling all involved i intend to write a book about my ordeal in its entirety as i want people to know for me its all the professionals involved in my case all played a part in the keeping of my son.

My son is amazing and we will get there but the emotional trauma is very real and present in both our every day lives...."

Any developments?

Like you ,I blame all professionals involved.They have an institutional 'cosy relationship' with the Local
Authorities; all of them turn a blind eye to blatant breaches of procedure.Thank heavens we have the FRG which does an amazing job with sites like this and its great that we have professional advisers( Suzie) who buck the general trend.

[warthhog123]

Hi Ange, long time no speak.... firstly i dont need to tell you that my son was returned under supervision order and as you rightly suspect they have seen me 3 times in a year and i reported my ex for minor breech to which they were not interested in now they had lost the case...... I was offered no support for the trauma i am still going through but didnt expect they would seen as they caused it.
However its funny when you win how you all of a sudden get an amazing social worker that quotes " Your a wonderful mum and we are just going to trust you and step back and leave you alone"
They darent challenge me anymore!!!!!!!!!
Complaints went no further than stage two as they had crossed all the T's and dotted the I's and basically covered everything up they possibly could had i known from the start how underhand they were going to be i would have evidenced things much better!!! as it came down to my journals against their word and obviously their word in law!!!!
As far as a book goes i would absolutely love to write one and it is my dream but unfortunately i just wouldnt know where to start. perhaps when things arent as raw i will look at learning how to write a book.
For now im just taking one day at a time and enjoying watching my son flourish and grow, and appreciate that sadly not everyone is as lucky as myself.
xxxxxxxxxx

[warthhog123]

Ange re the 40000 views of my thread it astounds me that it is so high and keeps increasing.... I should read it back but too painful right now... xxxxx

[warthhog123]

Update
I am so emotionally upset as my sons father has now decided he wants to be in his sons life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as we know my ex was granted contact order last September in a contact center supervised.... ex was not happy and asked the judge if he could see his son before contact center was set up.... quote from him " I just want to be the father i should have been from the start, I havent seen my son for nearly 8 weeks"...
So no obligation to do so CSC arranged contact week after court and surprise he didnt turn up.

Nor did he engage with the contact center so that was ceased it has been 19 months since he has seen his son and 15 months since court....

so now out of the blue he swans into center wanting contact!!!!!!!!! I feel so sorry for my son right now as he doesnt know this man and to put my son in a room with a stranger could be emotionally distressing..
I take full responsibility for the fact ive caused my sons pain by having a child with a barbaric man that isnt fit to be a father... this is why this is so painful and i dont want my ex to see his son .
Yet it appears the court will be on his side. Dont get me wrong i absolutely agree that all children have the right to know both parents if safe to do so.

yet i fail to understand that the judge will not take into account that my son has been through enough emotional turmoil in his short life and the length of time since father saw him is irrelevant.
So i anxiously await a court order but ive been informed he will have to do mediation first which i cant be involved in due to restraining order.

I guess i want to say really think carefully before you have children with people that you know are never to change or bring any happiness to a childs life. I am paying the ultimate price every minute of every day is filled with guilt and shame and the difficulties i will face further down the line regardless of contact with father.. i still have to explain my failings to my son and explain about his father.....

[Murray72]

Hi Warthog,
I am sorry your ex has raised his ugly head once again, I know it is difficult but please do not be so hard on yourself regarding the fact your child was placed in foster care, you did your best based on the situation at that time, now things are different. Trust me I know how difficult the guilt can be to deal with, I hope you can in time start being kind to yourself again.

As for your ex I think this is just an attempt to unsettle you before Christmas and no doubt if his past record is anything to go on he will lose interest way before any court hearing, just remember though any future court hearings will not be reflective of any past experiences in the family court and the Judge has to listen to your views as the child's main carer.

I too had children with a man who is a risk and is actually on reflection a disgusting human being and most definitely not Father material. Take comfort from the fact that all my children 2 of whom are now adults choose not to have this man in there lives and would not let him within 100 feet of any children they have. They do not blame me and lay the blame only at the feet of the perpetrator.

I hope this helps.

[warthhog123]

Murray

Thank you so much for your kind words I just dont want people reading my posts thinking " This women chose to have a child with idiot man with no prospects, what did she expect"

I have as you well know and yours worse worked extremely hard in intergrational therapy for 18 months addressing how i became victim of such abuse and found myself in the harrowing nightmare of fighting to have my child returned.
The most painful journey fighting CSC on one hand whilst they make threats use un professional under hand tactics and basically abuse you to the max.... to also decide to take on child abuse and rape and basically addressing my own parents failings neglect and abuse leading me to have missed out on childhood and failed of my basic core needs as a child... so i now fully understand how this happened, why this happened but i am completely over whelmed with shame and guilt that like me, my son did not ask for these complicating factors in his life!!!!!!!

I am also full of rage that i seem incapable of writing a book and channeling my journey and knowledge to help others as i still simple can not get beyond all the lies ect throughout court and the lack of understanding around domestic abuse the absolute lack of professional training in these circumstances astounds me.

You are not the first person today to tell me the father to my child is simply at low ebb sofa surfing no job no money drug taking owing small fortune to drug dealers and thinks would be good idea to attempt to try see his son........

Its the delusional word these men live in a cant comprehend they have no emotion, don't care what pain they caused except no blame or accountability, never change and create their own story of events that dont even match.

It is my belief that my ex does not want relationship with his son but a means to try upset me and re gain some control through drip feeding his child!!!!!!!

sorry for the rant thanks for post xxx

[ange301126]

Dear warthhog.
Do you mind if I ask was it your idea to take out the non-molestation order against the father in the first place? How was he molesting you at that time and on what scale was the nuisance?

You must start at the beginning and write down all the FACTS.
Once you start basing a story , assessment or opinion on guesswork,psychobabble , individual like or dislike of someone's personality or indeed on selfish , corrupt aims e.g. to take a child for adoption,there is bound to be confusion and injustice.

Which is exactly the reason why there are legal frameworks and legal guidelines set down to ensure a full and fair investigation of the FACTS.

Your sw conducted the case wrongly from the very start.
She was calling you deluded yet it was her who was deluded and her who deluded the Magistrates and every one else.She did not follow the guidelines because she set out to get your baby.There is no other explanation for it.

Now you are saying the father is deluded; he is probably insisting to all around him that you are. Yet he was when you first knew him a human-being just like us.He may have a genuine human yen to some contact with his child and at least he has changed to the extent that he is going through the correct channels rather than beating your door down and breaching the non-molestation order.
Write down all the facts and stick to them. Give the facts to court if he concentrates long enough to go through with it.

I am no expert on the subject but if he does insist, I think he is likely to be allowed some sort of SUPERVISED contact. You might be dead set against it,indeed you might think contact will endanger your child.Give FACTS to support your opinion.
If he is so dangerous , it should never be permitted.


If facts suggest he is not so dangerous on the other hand, It might be best if you agree to the occasional contact under supervision without getting court involved (perhaps every three months for one hour).If he lacks commitment and continues with the wild and violent lifestyle, he will soon lose interest. Or he may reform in time.

There is always a chance,of course, that I am deluded because I don't know the true FACTS. I am only surmising and trying to help.

As far as writing a book is concerned, I suggest your thread is almost a book in itself and you can start by picking out parts from it and sorting the thread out.Also don't forget the other thread you started.I think any reasonable analyst can see that what happened to you was disgusting and inhuman.Everybody could see it and I tried to make the point early on that no-one was able to intervene actively to put a stop to it.Naturally, you relied on your solicitors but they did little or nothing. Why? People trust the system and the Courts to make fair appraisals and get it right in the end ( washing their own hands of it) but it is impossible once the CS begins to poison a case. No-one appears to be able to put a stop to SW malpractice which was the root cause.Try and get that over if you want to help others.

[warthhog123]

Hi Ange

Thank you for your response. In answer to your question i was told to get a non mol order due to the severity of domestic abuse. I was given 10 minutes to decide. I felt rail roaded into it. Nut i breached it and my sons father whilst heavily pregnant came round and begged me to let him in for a chat, he stated he had no where to live and had nothing and no one. He went on to say that both his parents were supporting me and i had everything and he had nothing.......... understand at this time although inexcusable i was emotional and did hope he could change and he always managed to make me feel guilt and shame and i made huge error of letting him in from that day forward it just catalyzed into a web of lies he would come round and say if didn't let him in then he would have my unborn son taken from me........... I didn't trust anyone to tell them what was going on and simply thought the only way to keep my son and protect us was to comply with him...
The blackmailing then started and i paid him in access of 100 pounds a week to try get rid of him!!!!
I no longer have non mol as once i had him arrested and lost my son he breached twice from prison by writing to me and got extended sentence then once released he threatened me in the street and was sentenced again at which point the judge granted a life long restraining order.

He then started trying to get to me through other people so went back to court and judge changed order to no third party involvement.

The order was granted due to level of violence, and criminal convictions and him disobeying the law over and over again.

He was granted by the judge a contact order once a fortnight supervised contact in center yet the judge stipulated that should he fail to attend twice then it would be suspended and must be brought back to court should he wish to have it reinstated.

I also think he will be granted contact as center says its likely as he was only deemed a risk to me. However core assessment from CSC states they would be very concerned should ex want to reinstate contact with his son.

[warthhog123]

He is going through right channels as he tried speaking to me through his mother and i reported him and police fully warned him he will get 5 year sentence if breaches order. Since son was taken in to care he has breached 1. letters - extended sentence 2. threatening me in public on release - back into prison 3. through third party was warned. 4 through third party warned again... The judge told him in court when son was returned that he must not breach restraining order or he would receive heavy sentence.

[warthhog123]

Thank you re book. I have not re read through my thread and didnt think it made enough sense to compile a book from it... There are many elements of which i want to write as i feel its very closely linked my child hood and past, lack of trust, the then further lack of support and understanding about domestic abuse, the various professions that appear to not work together and contradict each other and apportion blame at every turn. then there is the abuse and atrocious behaviour under tactics and lies to break me by CSC, then there is the secret court system and the unminuted court cases and the cloak and dagger behaviour from all the people paid from the same pot. There is the one line comments and bullying in trying to get me to sign over my son and the false written reports allowed in court... Then there is the legal side that i believe fully support CSC no matter what.... I have spoken to 3 solicitor friends i have and they would never in their words take on CSC.
You would think i could let everything go having had the out come i wanted and wonderful life with my son now. but i cant having had 18 months of therapy and now armed with so much knowledge about myself and now others. I was failed every step of the way by the police, by domestic abuse, CSC, by the court system by CAFCASS despite my win!!!!!!!!!!! I won because i got smart and had smart people on side and threatened to go very public.