I want my children home

[Justanangel]

In November social services became involved when I took a mental breakdown and took some tablets along with alcohol in a terrible state. My 2 youngest age 3 and 7 were at their dads and my eldest age 13 at the time was in bed. Social workers were concerned about my eldest and over 2 months did some work with us after him being put under "child in need" the work they were doing such as family support workers etc infuriated my son and he became violent towards me resulting in him running away to his dads in January. In the meantime the social workers dug up the past and picked and picked at things mainly my mental health and placed all 3 children with their dad and at a conference they were all put under a child protection plan in February.
I have since become pregnant and my baby is under CP too.
After 2 months of me doing everything asked of me, ie going to doctors, seeing various counsellors etc the children have still been at their dads and I see them unsupervised 4 days a week but still no overnight stays.
A child protection review conference was held last week and it had now been dropped to "child in need" but my children have not been able to return home as the social worker advised my ex husband to apply for a residence order.
I assumed after a certain amount of time the boys would come home and we could carry on with our origional routine. I am furious that I have proved myself to everyone, done everything asked of me and still my children are at their dads.
What rights do I have?? I have had no support whatsoever through this awful awful time. My parents are poorly and haven't been able to support me as much as they'd like and I feel I have nobody standing up for me.
Surely this isn't right. My boys belong at home with me. My eldest is still refusing to talk to me after his violent outburst but as for the younger two they love being here and I feel it's only right that I get them home and carry on with the routine that I had with them and still continue with the arrangements me and my ex husband had for their care.
Is it my ex husband stopping them coming home?? I don't know. All I do know is that this whole thing has blown way out of proportion and has left me deflated and completely heartbroken.
Any help and advice it's hugely appreciated. Thanks

[JohnFatheruk]

Hi Justanangel,

Firstly well done to yourself for overcoming you mental issues and getting back on track.
please note I am not a professional but sadly have 15 years experienced with ss, but im a scouser so speak as I think it is

A couple things:

4 days unsupervised visits wow go girl, ss have no worries about you

you children are still children in need but remember not cp so major bonus

ss will still have a few things to do but its all to help you with your kids, consider it ss preventative measures if you require anything they will flipping make sure you get it, you have done your part, doctors, assessments and so on, let them do there bit, ps government .tape slows things down.

Is you ex stopping them, NO ss dont give a u know what about what adults want, its what your children want, if you know they want to come home then be patient, they will,but I know its hard.

this thing has been blown may out of proportion, anyone not herd this before, yep a cough is from you smoking, a loose tooth is dental neglect, a scar ok lets not go there.

as a whole you are one of the lucky ones you will get your kids back

Last is the teenager have 5 kids 4 are boys all adults now, your mum he knows that but dam they like to be rebels, this is a hormone thing, a personal note let him be with dad now, he will come when the tide changes, dads are great for moral and sport but when his eye starts seeing young ladies dad is no good trust me on this one

[Justanangel]

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. It's nice to finally have something from someone with experience and it's a change from all the negative things said by ss.
I really good your right when it comes to my teenage boy. Many have said his hormones will be going crazy and not helping the situation. I know he's angry at me for things but I'm a better person now and someone needs to be telling him this and encouraging him to make the step of coming to see me. It breaks my heart as I've never been without him for 14 years years. He's my sidekick and for him to be brought up for 4 months without me is difficult.
I'm just so frustrated that my ex seems to think he has a right to call the shots and keep the boys there. There is no reason why our origional shared care agreement can't happen. It worked well and the kids had a good routine. Yes the kids say they are happy there but it's only because they have had no other choice but to be there for the past few months and they're settled. So when they're asked (mainly my 7 year old) he says he's happy and the ss are happy with that. I feel my voice isn't heard. I assumed they'd come home after the last conference but no. Don't get my wrong I'm glad my kids are happy where they are but they were happy here and still can be but nobody is letting me prove that. Very frustrating. It's heartbreaking having to see them leave and sometimes I break down thinking all sorts. It's catch 22. I'm in this situation because of my mental health after my marriage breakup, yes I've done everything I can to get myself on the right track now but the situation itself is bringing me down.

[charmed1]

Dear Justanangel

A child protection review conference was held last week and it had now been dropped to "child in need" but my children have not been able to return home as the social worker advised my ex husband to apply for a residence order.

This happened to me. The social worker encouraged my ex husband to seek custody even though he had tried to take his own life twice while our kids were in my sole care. I have had depression from childhood. PND after all 4 of kids were born. No help whatsoever unless it was to get evidence for themselves that I wasn't fit.

My eldest is still refusing to talk to me after his violent outburst

My eldest son is 14 and he refuses to talk to me. It was ok when they were first under the residency order at their dad's. His sister is 11 and she's a little kinder to me though they both had some very hurtful things to say and wanted to see less of me. The situation with my daughter is slowly improving with no help from my ex or his new partner.

Our case unfortunately made it to court and the youngest children (aged 4 and 6) who I had with my new husband are under placement for adoption orders. The younger children's guardian has twice contacted my ex about how the eldest two feel about me and how he (my ex)thinks contact is with our 11 year daughter.

They will do anything to dig for dirt. My ex is far from perfect though you wouldn't think it the way the social lap it up. I agree hormones have a lot to do with it so hang in there. My ex and his new wife are always there when I have contact and the kids are not comfortable. Our son stays in his room all the time which isn't healthy but I can't do anything as his dad says it's up to him and he wants space.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear justanangel,

I can see you have recieved fantastc support from other parents.
I wanted to add something as well.
I am sorry to hear what has happened during the last 6 months. However, the fact that the child protection review conference reduced the child protection plan to a child in need plan-so quickly is evidence of the amount of work that you put into cooperating with the child protection plan. Any concern about risk of harm to your children must have been reduced massively for this decision to have been made.

You now see your younger sons 4 times a week unsupervised-it could have been very different if you had not got the support you needed so quickly. I can however, see that you are very frustrated that things have not gone to how they were before your breakdown.

You would like help in repairing your relationship with your older son and would like to know whether your younger children can return live back with you instead of dads.

In respect of your older son-
Is your son still considered to be a child in need? It can’t be in his best interests to still feel unwilling to talk to you? What support could children services still offer under a child in need plan? Could they support a referral to the child and adolescent mental health team (CAHMS), to help “mend” your relationship? What about support through his school? You could speak to them and see whether they have any counselling services.
Crucially dad is around for him. What is his view? Can he encourage your son to understand that your breakdown was due to your poor mental health at the time-and that it was not your fault (or your sons).
You could try speaking to Young minds -who have a parent line. They might be able to make suggestions about the type of support that might be available.
Or Family Lives have a lot of information about how to handle teenage behaviour. They might be able to suggest a way back to being in touch again with your son. Hopefully, in time you and your son will be back on good terms again.

In respect of your younger sons returning home,
It seems that children service want their father to apply for a residence order (now called a child arrangement order). Because of the “no order” principle, the court would only grant an order if it was better than “no order”. If you are agreeing with dad on contact, then in time can contact move to overnight/shared arrangments?

If dad was to seek a child arrangement order, then first mediation would be offered to see whether you both could agree arrangements for your children before court proceedings.
For more information about private law applications you could contact the Coram children’s legal centre.

I hope this advice helps but please come back if you have any further questions.

Best wishes,
Suzie