Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

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Poppycat22
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:26 am

Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

Post by Poppycat22 » Tue Apr 02, 2019 4:39 pm

Hi, was wondering if you could help. My partner has a 6 year old with some quite bad behavioural problems and communication problems. He struggles with his emotions. I have been buying books and trying to help him communicate emotions and feelings better (as he only used to have happy and angry)
It's working. But there are some worrying things that he's coming out with about his "home life" with his mother and her new partner.
My partner escaped a really abusive relationship with her. And what's worrying is that his 6 year old boy will now cry unconsolabley on a Sunday night when he knows he's got to go home. He says he doesn't like mummy and she always shouts at him and please i don't want to see mummy please please. xxxxxx (mummy's boyfriend) threw me on the sofa and hurt me, but he said sorry. Etc. It's really distressing for my partner and I to see him in such a state. And we want to help him but don't know who to talk to about this situation. We'd like to potentially go for custody if he's being harmed in any way. But are clueless about how and unsure if we would get anywhere. We've been keeping a diary of all events happening but only started logging it a couple of months ago.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
xxxxx
Last edited by Suzie, FRG Adviser on Thu Apr 04, 2019 10:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Post moderated to prevent a breach of confidentiality

Humanist-91
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Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:56 pm
Location: Kent, England

Re: Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

Post by Humanist-91 » Tue Apr 02, 2019 6:35 pm

Poppycat22 wrote:
Tue Apr 02, 2019 4:39 pm
Hi, was wondering if you could help. My partner has a 6 year old with some quite bad behavioural problems and communication problems. He struggles with his emotions. I have been buying books and trying to help him communicate emotions and feelings better (as he only used to have happy and angry)
It's working. But there are some worrying things that he's coming out with about his "home life" with his mother and her new partner.
My partner escaped a really abusive relationship with her. And what's worrying is that his 6 year old boy will now cry unconsolabley on a Sunday night when he knows he's got to go home. He says he doesn't like mummy and she always shouts at him and please i don't want to see mummy please please. XXXXX (mummy's boyfriend) threw me on the sofa and hurt me, but he said sorry. Etc. It's really distressing for my partner and I to see him in such a state. And we want to help him but don't know who to talk to about this situation. We'd like to potentially go for custody if he's being harmed in any way. But are clueless about how and unsure if we would get anywhere. We've been keeping a diary of all events happening but only started logging it a couple of months ago.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
XXXXXX
Hi XXXXX, XXXXX here, I just signed up to this site. I'm unsure what's happening legally with your partner and his child, but it's upsetting that the boys wishes probably won't be met, a child should want to go to their mum or dad's house respectively and shouldn't be crying inconsolably when faced with it. If I were in you position I'd want to keep him with you, and it sounds like he does as well, sadly I figure the court is probably going to hinder the whole process (no surprise there) which in reality should be clear cut if he doesn't want to go back. My sympathies go out to you, and I hope you can find away to sort things out for him without the bio mother trying to drag you to court. Can you and the father maybe reason with them or try and get to the bottom of what's really happening when he goes back?
Last edited by Suzie, FRG Adviser on Thu Apr 04, 2019 10:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Post edited to protect anonymity

Poppycat22
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:26 am

Re: Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

Post by Poppycat22 » Mon Apr 08, 2019 8:04 pm

Hi, the thing with it is, he struggles to communicate properly at the best of times and we are having him tested to see whether it's something biological or something that is mental health because of what he's been through (parents splitting up, screaming the house down on her part etc). The school get extra funding for him as he's a "troubled" child.
There is no reasoning with the mother and she will only do what suits her. She clearly doesn't want him though as every chance she gets she dumps him somewhere with relatives. She is also getting an insane amount of child benefit out of my partner and we have never heard of anyone ever getting this much from the father.
We don't know where to turn or what the proper procedure is for going for custody. It's not an ideal situation for us as we are living with my parents saving for a deposit for a house. But we can't bear to see the little lad like that. There are obvious signs of verbal and now physical abuse from what we do get out of him. We are diarising all days we have him and what he is saying to us. And some of it is disgusting.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri May 03, 2019 1:56 pm

Dear Poppycat,

Welcome the Parents Forum and I am sorry for the delay in responding to your posts.

You report that your partner’s son cries inconsolably about going back to mum and that the boy has said mums new partner has physically hurt him by throwing on the sofa. I think this is worrying.

Has dad discussed this with children services or the NSPCC? Or he could speak to the school about it.

If not, I think he should consider doing this as soon as he can. A social worker could consider whether to carry out an assessment to see how things are in mums home.

This would involve speaking with the child away from mum and her partner about his home life. Even though he struggles to communicate, a social worker can assess this and find different methods to communicate with him.

Here are some FAQ’s.

I hope this advice helps. If you have any questions please post again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Poppycat22
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:26 am

Re: Advice for a non biological parent and extremely concerned father

Post by Poppycat22 » Thu May 23, 2019 7:13 pm

It is very worrying. We have spoken to the school and quite frankly they're not interested. They only seem to care about his behaviour inside the school. Even though he says to them he doesn't want to go to mummy when he's being lead out of school at the end of the day. They know he says it and have said to us that he says it most days. They have got extra funding for him and have several parties working to try to figure out what his problem actually is. (Communication and late development with speech - autism ADHD ect) or whether is a problem from a complication during pregnancy.
I wanted to speak to people about it but didn't know where to turn. Without calling the local council to make an anonymous tip off to social services. Thank you for getting back to me, I do really appreciate your help. I will call the nspcc and see if they can offer some more advice.

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