stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

trigger9
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stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby trigger9 » Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:14 pm

Hello all sorry it is along post .
I am new to this forum i would like to share our story with you .comments and advice are all appreciated . just to let you all now we have other kids 2 boys age 21 , 19 . we it all started in 2014 -2015 this is just breaking my heart just writing this . it all started went our daughter was 13 half , with mood swings and a bad attitude that is like any teenager would have . and then it stared to get a lot worse . with the bad moods and the way she was treating me and her dad (my husband ) and her brother's it was evil .then came skipping school we were get phone call telling us she had not gone to school or that she has had a fight in the school .then all the abuse also and the lies it was generally starting to get out of control . we had to ask social care team to ask for help and advice also some support it felt a bit in embarrassing .to think that you couldn't control are own daughter then it started she would fail to came in also not answering her messages or her phone calls . then we would have to phone the police and tell them that are daughter hasn't come home .so they would come out and see me and my husband . ask questions like they do then this happened on many occasions .the longest that she went missing was 28 hours with no contact from her so that was horrible as you can imagine what was going though mine and my husbands head . thing like this she dead has she been knocked down has she been taken . then she came home with the biggest attitude that you could think of we had to phone the police . to tell them she is home so they came out to make sure she was ok . the she was giving the police attitude as well like they were nobody. then as soon as the social workers came to the house it seemed like a war zone with more arguments in the house.then after lots of meetings with the social workers they decided that we had emotionally abused our daughter .out heads are still like why or how have they came decision . we was worried that she was taking drugs or having a sexual relations etc. then we did ask her if she had a boyfriend or if she was having sexual intercourse .she said no she also said that I can't believe that you have said that to me . then a couple of weeks after that we had to take our daughter to the hospital she had a really bad stomach when we got there they were asking questions . like can she be pregnant said no well that day we found out that our 14 year old daughter was 22 half weeks pregnant but what went though my head she promised me and her dad she wasn't involved in anything sexual eventually are daughter gave birth to a gorgeous little baby girl are first grand child then we thought things would settle down in the f home with a new member how wrong was we !!! then the social workers were wanting our daughter to go into a mother and baby unit for to help her with bonding between them both . the arguments were still happening and the daughter was still going off and walking about all hours despite having a little daughter of her own .it was left to me and my husband to pick up the pieces and make sure our new granddaughter was safe and ok . then in the November after she had had the baby my husband left the family home has every night it was a war zone . I felt like my world had gone and somebody had taken my heart out of my chest . he had gone for 3 weeks and then another horrible thing happened my daughter want to go out I said no to her . I have made plans as we had just found out that we were going to be grandparents again to are son . our daughter just changed and was evil just because I said no she called me all the nasty name you can think off and that i was a unfit mum also wish that I was dead , then she assaulted me my son phoned my husband and told him what had happened that i had just been beaten up by his sister . as our son couldn't do nothing as he was keeping are new granddaughter safe one of my son's friends were driving by and seen what was happening so he stopped and came over in the garden to see what was happening the he took my daughter of the top of me and said to her what do you think you are doing that is your mother . then he took me to a friends house as i was scared of being in the houses . our daughter was no were to be seen police were called and my husband made a complaint of assault .after treatment from the hospital for suspected fractured cheek bone and slight concussion we returned back home to take care of our granddaughter my husband took her to my sister and then went on got her the next morning are daughter didn't come home that night police were still looking that night. eventually they picked her up the next morning out side are house while she was at the police station held in custody . such nice lovely social services made a visit to are house knowing what we have been going though in the 24 hours heart broken and our heads were a mess .told us we had to put our 14 year old daughter on a voluntary section 20 temporary foster care as they said there was no other way due to bail restrictions etc. then they talked to our daughter in custody about her 10 week old daughter .we think that they done the same thing to her influencing her to put her daughter also on a voluntary section 20 temporary . as we were the grand parents we were told that we have no right to overturn that decicsion.so with a space of 24 hours I was beaten black and blue our daughter has been arrested and charged and in temporary foster care on a voluntary section 20 .our granddaughter was also put on a voluntary section 20 .no words can describe that horrible feeling when you have to watch social services in our house telling us that they have come for are granddaughter and are putting her in to social care. me and my husband was so heart broken having to see them take are granddaughter walking down are garden path .so now our daughter was in the system so to speak . with no help from the social workers they moved her around a couple of foster homes and lots more of abuse from our daughter toward us . thing settled down in the year even though she was still in foster care we tried to fight to get her back but was told that if she returns home they will go to court and remove her legally with lots of meetings ect . we still don't have her back home also we still don't have our granddaughter back home there was plans . put in place for her to get a adopted .we tried to get assessed for ( Kinship Fostering ) but after the damaging report that the social workers made of us a dog would of had more chance of adopting her ! 4 months in to the year things take a dramatic turn . the worst of the worst that could happen to any young female while she was out with a friend . obviously everything has had a massive impact on the family in a space of time my husband has had 2 stokes and one possible heart attack . my i have had a stoke this year in June and still trying to get better our daughter and granddaughter . been took in to care also our daughter going though the worsted experience ever possible to imagine were still going though it as such as the experience that our daughter suffered still hasn't been resolved . still to this day me and my husband think why use and how can they say them things about us and also let use down . in are eyes they should be there to lift the fallen to restore the broken and to restore families and also to help and heal the hurting not to tear families apart . not so long ago we got told that are daughter was only to be in foster care till the end of her bail so why is she still there . all we wanted was some help of somebody and they took are family away from use . and it is still hurting really bad to this day . the foster carer is starting to say our daughter is one of her family it is really hurting use both . so much as we are her parents in are eye they shouldn't say things like that also the foster carer has stopped all contact with us she used to let use know ever thing that was going on. I thought social worker and cares should work together to help get family's together that is what the they was going to done to help use get a bond back with our daughter but yet again they have lied they were only meant to be in temporary foster care till the end of her bail wish was 12 January . we just which we could get some answers why ? right know I am sitting here crying should i have put this on . we just need to tell somebody that is going though the same as use we are still not having any help with nothing to this day . we just think we have been really let down by the hole situation just wish we could turn the clock back. can somebody please help use :cry: :( :evil: .
Thank you for taking the Time to read my post .
Last edited by trigger9 on Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:56 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Har1Her1
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby Har1Her1 » Mon Nov 14, 2016 2:48 pm

Hello,

My heart really goes out to you. We have not experienced a situation as devastating as the one that has befallen your family. However, our family has also been fragmented when we had a crisis involving our teenage sons (and my husband) and we are still trying to work things out within the system.

I can remember my eldest son saying to me and to social workers that I had caused all his problems and that I was not a good mother and so on. He was angry, worried and mentally unwell. It broke my heart at the time, but when he was a little better, he could not even remember what he said.

My eldest will not be coming home (he is 17) . He is also in the system. However, I am a mother (like you) and I will always be here for him and I will always keep in contact with him. When he is in a better place (mentally and emotionally) I can see us spending a lot of positive time together.

You say there were damning reports written about you as possible carers fro your grandchild. Have you challenged these reports? We have had reports written that contain information that is untrue or evaluations that are not based on evidence. It has helped us to challenge these reports.

I am sure Suzie or other posters will soon reply. However, I really do feel for you. What comes across so strongly in your post is your love and care for all members of your family.

nessie
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby nessie » Wed Nov 16, 2016 2:00 pm

Hi, I really feel for you, like you said, you went to them for help and then all of this happened. Stay strong and don't give up.

trigger9
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby trigger9 » Wed Nov 16, 2016 2:39 pm

Hello Har1 Her 1,

Thank you for your comment we really appreciate it. also thank you for sharing your situation with us to . I really hope every thing gets sorted for you and your family and I really hope you get all your reports sorted aswell . answer to you question that you asked yes we have tried to challenge the damning report it was wrote by a social worker that was doing assessment for me and my husband. to see if we could get are granddaughter back living with us . but it was very a evil and nasty report and we have asked why have we been turned down and been told no . when we tried to speak to any social worker either are daughter or are granddaughter it was like speaking to a ourselves .also we just found out that our daughter was only meant to be on a voluntary section 20 and in foster care why she was on bail . but they are still not telling us way she is still in foster care .it is just all wrong we have never done nothing to hurt are children and it is us that is getting punished for some thing we have not done the system is all wrong. yes my family are my world I just wish we could get some answers and also turn back the time . once again thank you for your reply :)

trigger9
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby trigger9 » Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:59 pm

nessie wrote:Hi, I really feel for you, like you said, you went to them for help and then all of this happened. Stay strong and don't give up.
thank you nessie we are trying to be strong it is so hard . All we want hun is some answers ect . But it still feels like we are still getting no were . :( I just want somebody to help us and also help with the pain that is deep in are hearts . It is so hard with out them both .thank you for your time reading my post .

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Nov 23, 2016 1:41 pm

Dear Trigger9,

I am so sorry to hear what you and your family has gone through over the last two years.
On top of everything that you have gone through, it seems that you have not had any answers from children services to a lot of your questions.

Your daughter is still in care under s20 (accommodation). This would have been with your consent originally. You should have been invited to
looked after children reviews-where you’re your daughters care plan would have looked at.

Contact between you and your daughter should have been promoted or helped to take place. You should have been consulted about any decisions made in respect of your daughter.
However, if your daughter did not want you involved, then children services would have taken her views into account. This might be why you have not been to any meetings. But you should have been advised that this is the case.

Ask the social worker about your daughter? Why are you not consulted or invited to meetings? Can she give her reasons to you in writing?

Even though your daughter is still living in care, you may still have a lot to offer her.
Try and find out how you could help your daughter by contacting her social worker.
Maybe your daughter would like to see you again.

Your contact with your daughter

Here is our advice sheet contact with children who are accommodated.

You could ask the social worker about your daughters care plan. For example, how are they “promoting contact” between you and her.
For example, could they pass on letters, presents and cards to your daughter? Do they ask her regularly whether she wants to see you? What about her seeing her brother or other members of the family?

Does your daughter have an advocate? An advocate could help her express her own views. She is entitled to one.

If you feel that the social worker is not answering your questions, you could always speak to the Independent Reviewing Officer .

This person reviews your daughters care plan at the looked after child’s review.
If the social worker is not doing a good job, then the independent reviewing officer can point this out to senior management.

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter may have suffered a sexual offence or may have been sexually exploited as well. Hopefully, she is receiving the support that she needs to recover from the crime that she suffered. As a parent you can also seek support from Rape Crisis. org who give support in relation to all sexual crimes.

The fostering assessment of you

Have you been through the assessment and asked that any factual errors are amended and that your comments-including all the positives about your family are included?
Here is our
advice sheet about fostering assessments
and how to challenge a negative assessment. You could also post on our friends and family board about this issue as it is as common one.

Do you have access to an advocate who could help you deal with children services?

You could check on your local authority website about advocacy that is available in your area. Or ask the social worker about advocacy services.
Usually, an advocate might help if you have a learning difficulty, mental or physical health problem. An advocate would help you write to children services about your daughter.

I can hear how devastated you feel. Have you thought about speaking to your GP about what has happened? Maybe you could be referred to a counsellor for support.



If you want further advice please post again or you could call our confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

trigger9
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby trigger9 » Thu Nov 24, 2016 9:28 pm

Dear suzie ,
Thank you so much for your reply yes are daughter is still on a s20 (accommodation ). The only reason why she was on a s20 was her bail conditions. also because me and my husband got told by the social worker that there nothing else they could do. We wasn't told about her bail conditions or not told that one of are family member's could have looked after her .also me and my husband was very upset , stressed and very emotional at the time .because what had happened in the 24 hours .they never explained nothing about the s20 to either one of use. Then a couple of weeks ago we got told are daughter should have been back home after she had answered her bail.but she is still in care .we have never seen any paper's or a care plan for are daughter. And we think it is all wrong it is like banging are heads on a wall it feels like they have taken are little baby girl away from us and we have done nothing wrong . :roll: thank you very much for your time.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Nov 25, 2016 5:07 pm

Dear trigger9,

Thank you for clarifying the situation.

From how you describe your daughter going into the care, I am concerned that children services did not follow the correct procedure.

Even though there were bail conditions at the time, this would not have been enough to give the legal right to children services to remove your daughter from your care.
When asking you to agree to accommodation, they should have checked that you had capacity to agree, knew what you were agreeing to, and that putting your daughter in care was the fair proportionate.
being accommodated “fair and proportionate”.

• Consent to accommodation cannot be forced on a parent.

• The social worker should have explained what section 20 means and that you can withdraw your agreement at any time, without having to give any notice.
• That you knew what other choices are available to you (could she have been placed with a family member, remained at home-while you moved out tempoarily or should there have been court proceedings).
• That you knew the consequences of not giving consent.
• Had everything been explained to you before you agreed to her going into care so that you could then decide whether or not to agree?
• Were you encouraged to seek legal advice or discuss matters with friends and family?
• When you were asked to give the consent, you say you were in a state due to what had happened over the last day or so. You were understandably very upset. Did the social worker recognise this?
• Although there does not have to be a written agreement at the time, good practice says the section 20 agreement should be put in writing.

Section 20 accommodation should only last for a short time. (unless there are exceptional reasons for a child to remain in accommodation for a long time).
Should your daughter have returned home or children services taken court (care) proceedings to ask the court for legal parental responsibility, to keep your daughter in care.
Court proceedings would mean your daughter would have had a guardian and legal representation, as would you and dad.

I suggested in my last post that you contact the social worker or independent revewing officer by email asking about her care plan and about promoting contact. If they do not respond within a week or so, then you could consider contacting the director of children services or making a formal complaint.

In case, you and your daughter have suffered human rights breaches due to the way your daughter came into care and remains in care, you might want to seek legal advice from a solicitor who specialises in children law-public law.

Or you could call our advice line on 0808 801 0366 for advice.

If you have any questions, please post on the forum as well.
Best wishes,

Suzie

trigger9
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby trigger9 » Wed Mar 08, 2017 10:05 pm

hello Suzie and all i have a up to date well as you have read post and know what me and my family have been going though in the last 2 years , well are granddaughter gets adopted at the end of the month . and as I said that we have been trying to get our daughter back to the family home from 12 January 2016 . a week a go out of the blue and our daughters social worker phoned my husband and asked him if we want are daughter back after all the heart break etc. what we have been though . it is so hard as we are thinking know they have our (16 years old daughters little baby that they have what they wanted from the start . :roll: it is so hard our head is a mess to what they have put us though . and we also feel like they are trying to back in to a coner . this how I feel still heart broken all we wanted was a chance and we tried very hard to but no we didn't even get that .just one big joke to them like I say they have done it again not only have they broken out hearts they have just took it and ripped it apart are we that evil being parents and grandparents that they to do this .if anybody again say to us or I hear anybody again say that social workers are there to help people .and will'nt take your love ones away from you and they will help you . they tell lies after lies once they have there claws it them that is it makes us anger because you have got people out there that hurt there kids ect. but it is always the inasunt people that get treated like they are mud on there shoes . well I hope they are happy they took one of our baby's away not happy with one that they had to take another one of our baby's in are life's somebody is going pay for all the hurt. not going to see are granddaughter till she is 16 or 18 years old it really hurt's us .

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: stiill hurts as if it was yestarday .

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Mar 17, 2017 1:30 pm

Dear trigger9,

Thank you for coming back to the Parents Forum and letting us know about what has been happening. It must be so distressing for your family that your granddaughter is being adopted. I cannot imagine the hurt and loss you must be feeling.
You could get help and about adoption from Birth Ties at After Adoption . They advise support birth families when adoption is the plan.

Is your daughter returning home to you? If so, there should be a social work assessment before she returns home, to see what support you and your family (as well as your daughter) will need.
I know that your daughter may have been sexually exploited and that she also suffered a serious sexual assault while she was in the care system. Parents against child sexual exploitation (PACE) could advise you about what this means and what support your daughter and the family might need to help her recover.

Your daughter will also be an “eligible child” for leaving care support.
As well as a social worker she should also have a personal adviser. The personal adviser will carry out an assessment and prepare a pathway plan. Have a look at our advice sheet about leaving care .

Your daughter is also entitled to an advocate to help her understand what is happening and her legal rights.

I hope my advice goes someway to helping you during this very difficult time.
Please post back if you have any questions or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie


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