When the victim is treated like the perpetrator!!!

[nicnoc1981]

My 15 year old daughter has said that her friend's dad (they live on the same road as us) groped her breasts and wouldn't get off her until he heard his own daughter coming back downstairs (this was in the kitchen). This happened a while back but came out when her and her friend were arguing etc although she had told a couple of her friends.

Sat daughter down and explained that this was a serious accusation and she would need to explain everything to me and we would need to do the right thing and contact the police. Also explained that if it had been a lie that had gotten out of hand that now was the time to come clean as that was also the right thing to do. Obviously I explained this better in person, just giving you the shortened version.

Anyway, we called the police who responded very quickly. They visited us within a couple of hours and she had an ABE interview the same night (recorded at a specialist centre). The police informed me that obviously they would have to inform social services.

As a result we have had to have a C&F assessment on our family (still awaiting the report). Made me feel like it was us being investigated, which I thought unfair considering the nature of the complaint. Also, when our local docs received a request for info from sw he called and ask if my other children were safe - what!?!? He also insisted that she goes in for a double appointment to see him (covering his own back, which he admitted, and can't really blame him). However, the whole nature of the procedures just suck!! Also, the daughter of the other girls dad goes to school with my youngest daughter who is 12 (not in the same year though!).

Here's the bit that has tipped me to breaking point today... the other family are constantly reporting every little thing to to police. First it was that my daughter stands outside their house staring at it. She doesn't, she just walks past the house (on the other side of the road) on the way to school and it is their daughter staring out her bedroom window. Then the daughter was getting phone calls saying her dad is a peodo. Thankfully my daughter was actually with me when this happened so I have no doubt about her innocence with this. Then today that my youngest daughter has been talking to their daughter saying she doesn't know if she believes her sister (sounds more like their daughter has asked my daughter and she's just said 'dunno' but will speak to her after school today.

You know when you just feel like the blame is being turned? Anyone else had similar issues?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to your daughter.It must have been very traumatic for her and your family.

In respect of the assessment by children services, here is some information about assessments.


Did the social worker mention what support your daughter may need to help her deal with the trauma of the sexual assault that she suffered?

You could discuss what happened in confidence with Parents against child sexual exploitation (PACE). They would be able to advise about specific support that your daughter might be able to access.

It must be a very difficult situation for you and your daughter, particularly as your daughters friend lives in the same road as you.

You are advising your daughter the right thing-to steer clear of her friends’ home. Not to give them anything to complain about. Nothing you have said indicated that your daughter is committing any criminal offence.

You should also let children services know about the difficulties of living in the same road as the perpetrators family. (I assume he is on bail to stay from his own family because he might pose a risk to his children). They might have some suggestions.

If you have any questions, please post back.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[nicnoc1981]

Hi, thank you for the reply. The police did an excellent referral and we have access to a range of support. We attended a specialist session recently.
Yes, he is on bail but as far as I am aware he is still living in the family home as I have not been informed otherwise (and his car still appears at the property).
I am just not happy with the scrutiny my family seem to be under (all of our medical records accessed by social services, including mine and my husbands) when we are not the ones that have been indecent. I understand that many services go into an 'over protect' mode so that they are not implicated but even the doctor has insisted on seeing her again in 2 months despite the fact we are accessing the relevant services.
Thanks again x

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi

Thanks for posting again.

I am glad that the police have provided a lot of support for you and your daughter.

However, you feel upset by the intensity of the children services assessment of your family.

It is common to feel like you are under the microscope because in a way you are.

This is because when children services undertake a family assessment they are not just looking at the initial referral (the allege crime against your daughter) but want to look at the family as a whole.
I would expect them to look at all your children needs (their educational, emotional, developmental, health needs). Then look at your parenting ability. Can you meet all those needs or do you need extra support to do so. Children services also examine the environment that your children live and finally the family and friends or support within the community.

During the assessment, they contact all professionals involved with your family for their view.

If you look at the NSPCC’s good practice guidance on assessment you will get an idea of the depth of assessments and can see why you feel like you do.

Keep coopering as best as you can but children services should also be cooperating with you.

Write down a list of questions. For example, such as what else do they need to do? Who else will they be seeing? How often will they be visiting you family at home? When will the assessment be completed?
Why do they want to see all your health records? Do they have any concerns about you as a parent?

I would expect your GP to be wanting to see your daughter again, so that he can report back to children’s services as part of the process.
The other reason for the depth of the assessment may be because they are worried that your daughter might have been groomed. You may be aware of all these high profile cases, in the press, where the police and children services had let down and failed to protect hundreds of teenage children from being groomed, suffering sexual abuse, being trafficked and exposed to other criminal behaviours.

You could ask whether this is their concern. I referred you to PACE in my last post. You could ring their helpline or call ours on 0808 801 0366 to discuss your worries in depth.

Also please post back if you have any questions.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[nicnoc1981]

So we're under scrutiny for something somebody else has done outside of our family home? They want to check my parenting skills, home environment, etc despite me 'doing the right thing' and contacting the police. We now have to have a record that social services have carried out an assessment despite the fact that my parenting was never an initial concern (nor is it now). I'm sure if something like this had happened at school I wouldn't be having to undergo this whole process.

I am managing the whole process very well as well as supporting my daughter. However, I do question the intrusiveness of the whole process, especially considering the nature of the incident. My questioning of this now makes it look like I am not coping with the situation, when in fact I am just questioning our rights as a family. We have a right to private family life unless my daughter is at significant harm. I have clearly taken steps to ensure that this is not the case. There is absolutely no indication of grooming in any way and this was an isolated incident at a friend's home.

I am not 'upset' but feel as though I should be able to ensure that any assessment is justified, whether that is with the GP (which I raised with the SW and she also thought this to be unnecessary as it simply subjecting her to repeated questioning of the event), our own health records being accessed, etc.

Everything I see on the forum indicates that we should just do as SS and other agencies ask of us. Actually, I think being subjected to having to repeat herself is actually not protecting my daughter's well-being as it reduces the ability to enjoy her childhood. I would also like to add that on the whole I think asking for help from SS (not that this is required) would actually then put my parenting skills into question and I imagine it would or most parents in similar circumstances.

I did ask lots of questions similar to the ones you suggested as I am a little more clued up about the overall process (I teach health and social care and my mum was a social worker). The SW has not indicated in any way that any further action or recommendations would be suggested. I know that the report should be complete within 45 days etc as I have asked lots of questions as I am not happy to 'just do as they ask'. I really do feel for people who have little confidence to do this.

Thanks for getting back to me, I know I just sound like I'm moaning and I know they are just doing their job. I just think the scrutiny is misplaced and unfair!