Need advice and help!

[Issybrum]

Hi,

I am a single mum of four children. My eldest son, A**** who is nearly 12 lives with his dad and his wife in b*** since he was 9.

There was an issue at the time with A**** behaviour, he always struggled with his peers and at school. I went through a violent relationship when he was very little before the other children were born which resulted in us having to move quite a bit. A**** had therapy after this and he was always very well behaved for me and close to me.

When he was 8 and my daughters were then 3 and 4 I caught A**** trying to touch my daughter inapprpruately. I was worried but after chatting with his dad and my sister who is a SEN I made some changes which meant the I watched the girls during dressing and kept them seperate. I also informed the school after discovering it was a fellow pupil who put the idea of sex into my sons head. When A*** had just turned 9 after bedtime (10pm) I went to check on the children. I saw my youngest daughter s***, then 3 in A*** room and him on top of her attempting to have sex with her. I rang the nspcc and we made the decision to contact social services - at the time I was extremely upset, I felt like my world had caved in and just wanted to protect my baby.

The next morning A**** dad and his wife came over and we had a meeting with a social worker. We all decided that A**** should go and stay with his dad. The social worker told me that I should see how things were when I had got over shock and A**** should of stayed with me but also she couldn't offer him immediate counceling or support leaving the girls at risk.

As soon as A**** went to his dads him and his wife cut me out completely, at the beginning I was constantly trying to get involved with his schooling and his counceling but they wouldn't allow me. It's been three years now and in the summer when A**** was visiting me he asked s**** to suck his willy which I overheard in the garden as I was sat there watching. I know he therefore still has issues that really need sorting.

i find out ecerything about a**** on facebook because they dont tell me anything on the phone.
i live three hours away from A**** and wrote my car off last year and simply cannot afford to travel down there, they live in a remote village so I can't even get a train. I've asked them numerous times to meet me half way or at an easier place for me to see A**** but they always point blank refuse and then say things like, I can't be bothered etc. now A**** is really upset with me and his dad and step mum won't help with contact at all and I haven't seen my son in two months. I also have a one year old now which makes things harder financially.

I really have no idea where to go from here. I'm extremely distressed and overcome with guilt most of the time and really don't get much sleep. I can't even talk about my son because I choke. I desperately need advice on how to have regular contact with my son. Also he has aspergers mildly.

Many thanks

I*****

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Issybrum,

Welcome to the Parents Forum!

I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time in respect of your older son. I can completely understand why you are distressed and worried about his behaviour. I can also see why you are concerned about whether or not his dad and partner are seeking the right support for him. Your anxiety will no doubt be heightened by the fact that you are only finding out about him from facebook. His dad is not keeping you in the loop about what is happening. You have not had any face to face contact with your son either.

Your son’s sexually inappropriate behaviour

You did the right thing by contacting the NSPCC who rightly advised you to seek support from children services (social services). Children services response was to protect your younger children from his behaviour by placing him with his father. This provided the protection but it is not clear from your post whether any investigation was carried out to find out why your son was behaving this way.

Also, do you know whether he has received the therapeutic support and treatment that he needs to mange his behaviour? If he has, it sounds like he still needs help and support.

Not having a full picture about your sons health and behaviours may also make it difficult for you to protect your younger children during contact.

I suggest that you contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation.
They have a free and confidential advice line or you can contact them by email. They are experts in reducing risks of child sexual abuse and can offer advice and information about young people, like your son who has sexually inappropriate behaviour.

Parental responsibility

As a Mum you will have parental responsibility for your son.
parental responsibility
Even though he lives with Dad, you are still responsible for the care and wellbeing of your son. You should still be involved in some decisions about his life. You could remind dad and his wife that you need to be involved in these decisions. It may be that children services where your son lives are involved or have been involved. If they are-you could contact them to find out what support he has been given.
Also you could contact his GP and school as well.

Contact with your son

I can see that this has been difficult for you to arrange over the last few years. However, research and the law recognise that it is important for your son to maintain contact with both you and his siblings.
You could think about mediation or speak to the childrens legal centre about how to arrange contact. Because of your sons behaviour-it would be helpful to discuss contact with children services- if they are involved-how can they support safe contact?

These are some pointers but please post back.
Best wishes,
Suzie