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Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 12:12 pm
by Pru

My ex partner and I separated 7 years ago and we have shared care, my 2 boys were put on a cpp last week for physical abuse after he assaulted them. There is an ongoing police investigation and evidence as well as my eldest disclosing to school.

I have an emergency court hearing this week to try & vary the court order to sole residency as it currently says shared care and he’s only allowed supervised contact at the discretion of children’s services.

I am racked with worry to the point it’s affecting my appetite, my boys were on a cpp 5 years ago for emotional when they were in my sole care because i was classed as being obstructive in allowing contact between the boys & dad but I was just trying to protect them. The SW at the time ignored all mentions of domestic abuse & recommended they reside with dad & he got residency. I took it back to court & got shared care 2 years ago. I’m worried that this will all be used against me now in court despite children’s services identifying me as the safe parent and they’re currently with my full time.

Another thing, I met someone a few months ago who is becoming quite special. He was very upfront with me and told me he had a caution for beating up the man his ex wife cheated on him with. I’m really scared children’s services will be concerned about this. I haven’t introduced him to my boys yet as it’s only been a few months but I would like to in the future and I’m worried children’s services may be preventative. As I have the boys full time we can only see each other on an evening when they’re in bed, we’re very discreet and I know they never come downstairs even if they did wake up they’d just call out to me & id ask him to leave. Would children’s services have a problem with this?

My children are cpp through no fault of my own & there’s no concerns surrounding my parenting & im worried that I’ll have to give up my boyfriend. If I had any niggles about him I wouldn’t let him anywhere near me let alone my children. I had been single for almost 2 years & I’ve done the freedom program & varying other courses so I’m more than confident at spotting any potential risks.

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 3:52 pm
by QuestionMark
Hi hun,

So sorry you’ve been through all you have. I too lost my baby to her dad for the same reasons, he still has residency. Well done for getting shared care and putting all the work in! I think the only thing they may have concern for is your current boyfriend - how long ago did he receive this caution? Was he actually charged or convicted? Has he done any courses himself? All this will be info worth getting

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 4:03 pm
by Pru
Hey thanks so much for your response and kind words.
He received it in December, a week before we met. He wasn’t convicted, he was given a caution which is classed as spent. He hasn’t done any courses, but I know he would if requested.

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 5:11 pm
by QuestionMark
It may be worth him being proactive and looking into any courses he can do around child protection - look on the NSPCC website (they do online courses for £20). If they begin to show any concern though, I’d be prepared to end the relationship for your boys

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 5:23 pm
by Pru
He has 3 children of his own with
No concerns so I don’t understand why he’s need to do courses around child protection?

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 5:24 pm
by QuestionMark
Does he care for his children? As I imagine that would be a positive that children’s services will take into account

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 5:56 pm
by Pru
He has them every other weekend and for one over night stay in the week. Social care weren’t even contacted after he received his caution

Re: Boyfriend with a caution

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2020 2:07 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear Pru,
Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post. My name is Suzie, FRG's online adviser.

I am very sorry to hear that your boys were assaulted by their dad. I can see how this is understandably causing you an immense amount of worry. How distressing for you and your boys.

You are being very pro-active in taking the child arrangements order back to court to be varied. It is good that you have insight into why your boys were on child protection plans 5 years ago. It seems that you were right about the risk.

It is also good that your recognised that dad was domestically abusive as you have completed the freedom programme. You will also have understanding about child protection procedures and the importance of following the child protection plan. Do you know what to do it dad contacts you or the boys?

I want to address the concerns you raise about children services response to your new partner.
I can see how protective you had been in the past-recognising that dad posed risks-even if you had not been believed.

However, there is a chance you are now putting your sons at risk of suffering significant harm by not letting the social worker know about your partner coming to the family home.
It is important that you are honest and tell the social worker. They will ask that he does not come to the home until quick background checks are done. At least you will have the peace of mind in knowing whether your sons are safe with him. The worst case might be that they ask you to see him away from the family home.

Although he has been honest about the caution for violence against his exe’s partner, there is the chance that he is known to police for other reasons that he is not telling you about and that he is in fact very risky to your sons.
It would also be good to know the context of the assault. Did the assault take place in front of his children? Could they have seen or been woken up by the noise? If so, they could have suffered trauma or emotionally abuse or been caught in the crossfire.

The incident only took place a few months ago. What support has he had (such as anger management) to help his control his behaviour? Could he lose control suddenly in your presence and assault you? You just do not know. In these circumstances, you would not be able to protect your sons as they may be woken by the noise, for example.

The law says that when there is a child protection plan, children services need to know about what adults are coming into the family home. If you lied, they may find out by other means. (Your boys could tell them or even your new partner).
The effect would be that the social worker may no longer trust your ability to protect your boys and there may be increased interventions -such as more unannounced visits or seeking legal advice.
So I strongly urge you to let children services know about your new partner so they can check he is safe to be in the house with your boys.
I hope this advice helps but if you have any questions or need further advice, please post again.
Best wishes,