SGO and pregnant again

[Smeegler]

Hi. I'd like some advice and support if possible. Until a couple of years ago I had my 5 children living with me. My marriage broke down as my ex was being violent towards the older two children (not biologically his, younger three are) I asked him to leave.

My eldest has Autism and very challenging behaviour. After my ex left I found out one of my children had been engaging in sexually inappropriate behaviour with the younger children. I reported this to SS in an attempt to safeguard all the children. A plan was put in place and I told the SW I was struggling as I was developing anxiety and confusion. I blamed myself and thought I must be a useless parent even though I was trying my best in hard circumstances. Included in the plan was an agreement that my ex would look after his three younger children at the weekends in order to allow me to rest. But, simply to punish me (for leaving him) he refused to engage in this plan, leaving everything to me. I then had a severe nervous breakdown and a psychotic episode where I was unable to focus, care for children or look after myself as I didn't even know what day it was.

I informed the SW that I had lost all capacity to cope and to safeguard my children whilst I got treatment, I wanted intervention. I hadn't really realised what was happening to me in terms of my mental health, all I knew was that I was ill and couldnt cope. It was like something snapped. I nearly lost my job (I was working two jobs to try and support my children as neither ex's paid anything) and I ended up going to live with my partner (he lived in another city) as it was either that or be sectioned.

I spent nearly a year in bed trying to make sense of what happened. I saw my GP and had counselling. I felt a huge sense of shame and guilt and my parent's disowned me for leaving the children. They think I made the whole thing up as I just wanted a life without my children, which was untrue and unfair.

My younger three stayed in their home where I lived and their father cares for them. He was reluctant but he is trying his best. However he wont let me see or speak to my children and won't pass on gifts or money that I have sent. He is just doing this to punish me. I was a good mother before I got ill, with no concerns about my parenting ever. I will go to court at some stage when I have enough money, so I can see the children.

My older kids are living with my parents under an SGO, which I didn't appeal at the time as I was still ill and a bit unstable and thought that would provide more stability for them. To be honest I felt so bad for leaving them that I thought they deserve better than me. My counsellor said that is not the case and I clearly love my children and perfectly able to parent, it is just that I got ill. She said many others would have cracked before I did. I see one of my elder children weekly unsupervised. The eldest doesnt want to see me and is still angry which I understand. I miss them so badly and wish this never happened.

Anyway I am now pregnant again. Out of choice, as my mental health is stable and I'm in a stable loving relationship with my partner. He had never had children due to infertility in his previous marriage. He is however a former foster carer and has all the LA training. No criminal record, never drinks nor takes drugs (same with me) Has family support. I have no family support and self-distanced myself from everyone after my episode as I was depressed and avoiding people and worried about being judged.

Will I be allowed to keep the baby? What will the process be?

Thank you so much

[QuestionMark]

I hope Suzie will comment on your post. I didn't want to read and run so I just want to let you know that I really feel you, your partner and your baby will be okay and I really hope you will be x

[Smeegler]

Thanks that means a lot. My midwife apt is tomorrow and I'm really anxious about it. I hope Suzie replies too.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Smeegler

Welcome to the Parents’ Board and thank you for posting. My name is Suzie and I am FRG's online adviser. I am sorry that we were not able to respond to you before now.

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy; I hope it is going well.

As you have explained your children are no longer in your care due to the serious difficulties you experienced a couple of years ago including your marriage breakdown, the struggles you experienced in caring for a child with autism and challenging behaviour, concerns about a child's inappropriate sexual behaviour (which you rightly sought help with) and your own mental health needs.

Your children are either living with their father - perhaps under a Child Arrangements Order (CAO)? – or with their grandparents under a Special Guardianship Order(SGO) . You are having problems seeing most of the children, for different reasons.

You don’t state how the arrangements for your children were made, although there was children’s services involvement. Did you go through care proceedings or were the plans made via a different process?

Although you have a planned pregnancy you are worried about children’s services’ involvement and whether you will be able to care for your baby. It is very common to be worried about this but you are already seeking advice and support and have an appointment arranged with your midwife – these are all positive steps to take.

You have explained that your new situation is very different from the situation which lead to you no longer being able to care for your children. You are in a supportive relationship with a partner about whom there seem to be no concerns and he is well-supported by family, although you are not. Your mental health is stable – is your GP or any other professional able to confirm this?

It is likely that you will have a pre- birth assessment. I think you have had an appointment with your midwife by now and she has probably asked about your other children and why you are no longer caring for them. The midwife will probably have discussed with you about making a referral to children’s services, perhaps you have done this jointly.

The assessment will look at the difficulties in the past which lead to you being unable to care for your children. It will also look at what is different now, including your mental well-being and your current relationship and support network. The kinds of things the social worker will want to discuss with you will probably include:

• Your understanding of the problems that led to your previous children being cared for by other family members
• Whether you have been able to overcome the problems that were there before
• What support you can get when the baby is born (in order to help you keep your child safely with you)
• Your partner and his ability to support you or to care for the baby.

Here are the best things to do:

• Stay in regular touch with health professionals to make sure you get the ante-natal care that you and your baby need
• Work with the social worker to make a safe plan for your child for when they are born. If you’re finding this hard (or think you may find it hard), read through our tips on working with a social worker
• Suggest services that you think would assist you (and your partner) to support you to safely parent your child
• Involve your or your partner’s wider family to support you if need be.

What happens next will be decided by the outcome of the assessment and whether there are any concerns or not. This could include early help or family support services. In some cases if children’s services are worried that your baby may be at risk, the social worker might arrange a child protection conference with other professionals to discuss this further.

The most useful advice sheets are an introductory guide to children’s services, family support and child protection.

Have you considered mediation and if need be applying for a CAO to see the children who live with their father or asking children’s services to mediate to support you to resume contact with the other children? There is information in our advice sheets on Child Arrangements Orders and Special Guardianship Orders which may help you. If you do have to go to court without a solicitor do check if there is a Personal Support Unit (PSU) in your area as they can provide practical help and support.

You are welcome to post again if you have a new query or if you would prefer to speak to an adviser you can call our Freephone helpline on 0808 8010366 Mon - Fri between 9.30 and 3.00.

With best wishes

Suzie