Social Services TOR Following parent death

[estranged father]

I am very concerned for the state of mind of my children, can I expect any help from Social Service?

Following my divorce in 2010 my Ex Wife chose to poison my four children against me - easily done as she home educated them, was a hypnotherapist and they lived in a remote Hamlet. It took 2 years to take her Court to gain access to the children, but by then my oldest was 12 years old, and was allowed to refuse contact - and all four were scared of me. I am pleased that I dispelled this myth, but as my other children reach 12, my ex influenced them to stop contact. I still see my youngest. The children are now 17, 16, 15 and 12.
2 months ago I was called, by her brother, and told my ex wife had died and all four children were with him, I did not even know she was ill. He said he had not seen her for 22 years, but agreed to take the children. They still refuse to see me.

I hope SS can help mediate so the children know they have a father who has always loved them, and wants to look after them now.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear estranged father

Thank you for your post and welcome to the parents’ discussion forum.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. The remit of our service is to offer advice where children’s services are involved with children and their families.

I can see from your post just how concerned you are about the alleged damaged caused by your former wife to your relationship with your children. The older children are now of an age where they can make up their own minds about whether they wish to have contact. You could as their father make applications to the court for your 15 and 12 year olds to reside with you under a child arrangement order. In that way the children will be spoken to about their wishes and feeling about residing with you. It seems from what you say that they were in some way influenced by their mother in not having contact and it may be that they will remain loyal to their mother.

They have suffered a significant bereavement and, as such, they need to come to terms with that before being involved i n court proceedings. As you are in touch with their uncle who their mother may have named as their testamentary guardian, it might be more helpful to try and work with him to reach a point where contact might be re-established. You may find it helpful to speak to Child Bereavement Care UK 0800 028 8840 to try and find out the most helpful way for the children to move towards contact with you as their surviving parent.

I think you will need to be very patient and perhaps start with contact at their pace before considering if they want to live with you.

You could, of course, make contact with the local authority area in which the children currently reside to find out if they would be willing to assist. However, if there are no concerns about the care they are currently receiving, children’s services may consider it a private law matter which does not require their involvement. They may, on the other hand, want to help the children at this time to re-establish their relationship with you.

As a parent with parental responsibility you could challenge the uncle taking on the care of the children even if he is a named testamentary guardian.

If you do decide to apply to the court for child arrangement orders, you can obtain advice from Child Law Service about this private law application which, as I have stated above does not fall within our remit.

Hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

[estranged father]

Thank you for your reply.

I have no intention of taking my children to Court, and I am pleased the Uncle is happy to support me in building Contact. I have contacted SS, I hope they may help. From your answer it seems that they dont have to, but may if they wish to help. I guess that means I have no teeth to 'demand' their help? I believe they have been mentally abused, and are now in a state of shock following the death of their mother. Is there anything I can do to encourage SS to help?

[Miserylovescompany2]

Hello

Might I suggest you put all your concerns in writing to Children's services. I do not know if you have done this already? You could contact the younger children's school(s) and formally request that they keep you up to date with regards to your children's education. Many schools have a pastoral lead also so I would hope your children are being supported emotionally through school or external agency support if/when required. The children if asked could refuse to give their consent.

Slowly but surely is the key to start building any relationship. These children have suffered a huge loss. They will need to grieve at their own pace. To now be living with their uncle will be a massive adjustment alone. This will be new to them too.

Your older children are at an age where they can think for themselves and ask questions if they so wish. If they hold similar values to their mother I would be respectful of this. Let them all know your door will always be open. Maybe write them each a letter and give them time to respond. They might not wish to at this point.

The uncle at this point is the person to converse and correspond with.

I hope this works out for you. Good luck.