Scared to have another baby

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Daisy111
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:42 pm

Scared to have another baby

Post by Daisy111 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 8:38 am

Hi, new here, and reluctantly writing this.
Here goes! I'll try and make it as short as I can. My child was very unfortunately adopted 7 years ago. Of course an incredibly traumatic time for myself and my daughter. I was in a very abusive relationship for approx 8 months - physically, emotionally, mentally etc. And worst of all made me do hard drugs with the intent to get me addicted as another form of control. This was After I had set up home after a stay at a refuge.. I never became dependant on the substance but it was very hard to convince the CS at the time that I wasn't a drug addict under the control of my abuser. He harassed and continued to break into my home etc, after my 6 year old daughter was taken. And at one point held me by the throat and said he'd make sure I'd never get my daughter back and he done just so, as whatever he said to CS and SW (sw went to see him in prison, he'd finally been convicted from everything he had done to me.. at court he sacked his solicitor and attempted to cross examine me..) the SW never did tell me what he said but I was fighting a losing battle, at the time I was so broken and had no support whatsoever. None. I genuinely thought the CS was there to help me and even saw them taking my daughter into care with police, a blessing in disguise from the hell I was in. I was so wrong. As time went on I became healthy again but my mental health was up and down, I suffered ptsd, anxiety and depression.
What's brought me here is that I'm pregnant but have an abortion booked. I'm absolutely terrified to have another child, but I don't want to go through with the abortion. It doesn't sit right with me as it won't be the first! I was suicidal after my goodbye contact with my daughter. I doubt I'll survive another child taken from me. Especially at birth. I'm torn :cry:

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Scared to have another baby

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:42 am

Hello

I would advise that you look at how your life is now. Are you in a stable relationship, is your MH stable/managed? Do you still use drugs? All the before mentioned will be looked at through a microscope. Circumstances do change. Can you now prove that your life is very different to how it once was. For example can you prove that you could provide a nurturing environment and all previous concerns are no longer applicable? Do you have evidence that you've addressed every single previous concern?

If I were you I'd be seeking some free confidential legal advice. Then make an informed decision. CS should look at how your life is now. The past will be looked at and might be used against you - if you can prove significant change to your circumstances now then this is what any future decision should be based upon.

The above is merely my own opinion/viewpoint. I am simply a parent who is attempting to navigate the system.

I hope this helps. I am sure someone with more knowledge than me will be along shorty. Hang in there!

Daisy111
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2018 8:42 pm

Re: Scared to have another baby

Post by Daisy111 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:08 pm

Hello thank you for your reply. As crazy as this sounds but my partner and I split up today only hours after posting the above. And after reading through the posts on here I've come to the conclusion that I probably don't stand a chance. My mental health has improved greatly in the last 2 years although I am still on antidepressants. I'm off all the rest of the meds I was on. I'm aware they were only masking the trauma. (My daughter being adopted and being treated unfairly) yet I'm also aware I have a poor choice in men! Ive done courses etc regarding relationships. I don't take any kind of illegal drugs, I didn't previously before the highly abusive relationship and haven't since. 7 years ago after my case with my daughter was coming to an end, I had asked the SW if this would effect my chances in the future of having a family, if I would be allowed to have children in the future, and she flat out said no. To which I replied Not ever? NO!
I'll hate myself for what I'm going to do, ugh, but I'll sort that out in therapy that I'm awaiting.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 64
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Scared to have another baby

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 4:13 pm

Please don't give up. The relationship part shouldn't stop you. No SW can EVER know what future decisions can or can not be made. Telling you that you'd never be able to have a child in your care is not her place. Only a court can make that decision and it should be based on now. Not then. Some folk get off on the power.

Single women have managed to keep their children. Being single is better than being in a relationship that is not working.

I have cared for 3 children (two of which have Autism) on my own. My middle child was removed last year. I have made poor choices myself with relationships. But I have made positive choices by leaving.

You will constantly change and evolve throughout your life. You will learn and grow. You've already shown insight to your own relationship choices. Sometimes we are attracted to what we know. But recognising that is a good thing because it allows you to see the same pattern and choices.

What ever decision you make should be an informed one. Please don't make one you can not undue. Get that legal advice. Your MH sounds stable and managed. SW are not qualified to assess your MH.

I am sorry to hear of your breakup.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2116
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Scared to have another baby

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Oct 12, 2018 4:45 pm

Daisy111 wrote:Hi, new here, and reluctantly writing this.
Here goes! I'll try and make it as short as I can. My child was very unfortunately adopted 7 years ago. Of course an incredibly traumatic time for myself and my daughter. I was in a very abusive relationship for approx 8 months - physically, emotionally, mentally etc. And worst of all made me do hard drugs with the intent to get me addicted as another form of control. This was After I had set up home after a stay at a refuge.. I never became dependant on the substance but it was very hard to convince the CS at the time that I wasn't a drug addict under the control of my abuser. He harassed and continued to break into my home etc, after my 6 year old daughter was taken. And at one point held me by the throat and said he'd make sure I'd never get my daughter back and he done just so, as whatever he said to CS and SW (sw went to see him in prison, he'd finally been convicted from everything he had done to me.. at court he sacked his solicitor and attempted to cross examine me..) the SW never did tell me what he said but I was fighting a losing battle, at the time I was so broken and had no support whatsoever. None. I genuinely thought the CS was there to help me and even saw them taking my daughter into care with police, a blessing in disguise from the hell I was in. I was so wrong. As time went on I became healthy again but my mental health was up and down, I suffered ptsd, anxiety and depression.
What's brought me here is that I'm pregnant but have an abortion booked. I'm absolutely terrified to have another child, but I don't want to go through with the abortion. It doesn't sit right with me as it won't be the first! I was suicidal after my goodbye contact with my daughter. I doubt I'll survive another child taken from me. Especially at birth. I'm torn :cry:
Dear Daisy111

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for posting.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group.

I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time over the years from being in a very abusive relationship and having your daughter removed from your care.

In your post you said you suffered mental health issues because of the relationship but you do not say how your health is now. A mental health issue is not in itself a reason not to be able to care for your child. It will depend on how ill a person is, whether their mental health condition is well managed, if medicated then the person is medication compliant.

You are worried whether you would be able to keep your baby. I cannot give you a clear cut answer. Children’s services are likely to become involved because of historical concerns but if you have made significant changes to your life and in a much better place, then they will look at you as you are now. Children’s services would carry out an assessment but not until quite late into the pregnancy usually around 20 weeks plus

You may find it helpful to read information from our frequently asked questions about what happens if you have already had a child removed from your care. I have also included our advice sheet Child protection procedures which gives more detailed information about child protection procedures which may be what children’s services consider. Alternatively, it could be child in need where you could be offered support to safely care for your baby. Please read our advice sheet about Family support.

I hope this will help you in making your decision but you could also have a conversation with children’s services where you are now asking about a ‘what if’ situation and this might give you an idea of what the expectations might be.

If you wish to speak more to an adviser about your situation, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open form 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

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