Not allowed to live with my partner ?

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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:48 pm

Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by A0917H » Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:29 pm

Hi all, This is my first post, I'll try to keep this brief but feel it's important to cover all as much as I can.

I've joined as I can't seem to find any help on line. I've tried criminal Solicitors and they say sorry, can't help try a family law solicitor and you've guessed it, they say sorry can't help try a criminal solicitor.

I was convicted of a non contact indecent image offence in September 2014 and served two years in custody and two years on licence in the community. My licence expires on 25/09/18 and then a SOPO takes over along my life SOR.

I pleaded guilty from the off set and whilst in Custody enrolled myself on an SOTP course which lasted 6 months and a TSP (Thinking skill program). Both courses where amazing and helped me understand where I was mentally when offending, the impact on others and the strength to move forward in a positive way and provided me with the tools to enable me to identify the first stages of offending and a route to take and help to seek should this ever happen again which I am confident it won't.

At the time of my offending, I was in a very dark place, suffering with severe depression, feeling lost, isolated and not knowing which way to turn. My wife of almost 25 years had an affair and I was struggling with this and the fact my Son, (now 13) was then living with her and her new partner. I tried to move on but I constantly questioned my new life with my partner (at the time of offending) and knew I wasn’t happy but felt I had no way out. This of course is absolutely no excuse for my actions which I deeply regret and will for the rest of my life. I really can’t stress this enough.

I met my new partner in January 2014 where we met for a quick coffee. This quick coffee ended up lasting most of afternoon and into the evening. We got on so well and had an instant connection. We continued to date for several months growing closer all the time and all the time I was living with my passed and my pending prison sentence hidden. In April of the same year, I decided that I couldn’t live with this any longer and disclosed my offence to her. This wasn’t an easy conversation but I knew we were growing closer and I couldn’t hide things any longer. After I disclosed, my partner and I had some time apart as I felt she needed some time out to digest things and make the right decisions uninfluenced. To be honest, I expected her to run for the hills, I knew I would.

After a few days we met and spoke again and talked lots over the following days and weeks about my offending, the people I’d hurt.
I knew that if I our relationship was going to stand any chance, I’d needed to be as open and honest as I could and answer any questions truthfully as I couldn’t see this woman hurt again and couldn’t live with things unsaid or hidden.

She made the choice to remain by my side and support me moving forward and we chose very early to disclose my offence to her immediate family including her parents, sister and both daughters. This was very hard and I expected the worst but again being open and honest, talking and answering any questions was the way forward and her family remain supportive throughout, they have been amazing standing by us during my sentence and have since worked with us in terms of my licence conditions and impending SOPO and have all assisted in working to the recommendations regarding contact set by Social Services and the conditions of my licence.

During my time in custody I enrolled myself on several courses that were available for people with my convictions which were SOTP (Sex offenders Treatment Programme) and TSP (Thinking skills programme).

Since my release we have worked alongside Probation, the Police PPU department and Social services to ensure that all my conditions and recommendations are adhered to. Today and moving forward we will always consider others and situations that may arise and if we are in any doubt we will ether refrain from or amend any plans or seek advice for PPU beforehand, this is part of our lives now.

I am by no means proud of my offense, in fact I remain disappointed with myself and I live with this and the pain and distress I have put others through. I can’t take that back or turn back time. I am however, very proud of where I am today and how far I have come in my journey to turn my life around. In my mind, there is no going back to that place but should for any reason, however slight I start to find myself going down that road, I feel I have the confidence, the tools and support from family, friends and professionals and I will not be scared to call on them

My partner has stood by me from the start as have her family as well as mine and are all fully aware of my offence. She has two daughters 24 and 28 who don't live at home and the 28 year old has two daughters aged 6 and 3 months that I have had little to no contact with.

As my licence is coming to an end I advised my Probation officer on the 10/07/18 of my intention to move in with her who then sent a referral to Social Services at the beginning of August. Since this date I have been living in hotel accommodation as I wasn't advised of the full process and handed in the notice on my rented property. *** lives in a 1 bedroom flat in an adult only 4 flat block.

Unfortunately both Probation and the Police has been less than forthcoming with any guidance or support from the start. We are now in a situation where a Social worker has been instructed and has already interviewed my partner, Daughte,and myself separately.

Our first concern is that during the interviews with my partner and her daughter he not only relayed the facts of my conviction which of course they already know but has also openly tried to influence both my partner and her daughter and given his unfavorable opinion of me, suggesting that I am mentally unstable, that a leopard doesn't change his spots and that I wont change, he feels that I have brain washed the whole family and he intends to make my partner choose between her family or me. This is just a few remarks like this he has made.

My question is, can he openly be seen to do this or is he supposed to stay impartial and keep to the facts to enable him to make an unbiased report and recommendation?

Our second concern is that he has told me that even when my Licence expires on 24/09/18, I still won't be able to reside with my partner until he has fishtailed his report but has refused to confirm what grounds or law I will be breaking. We have been searching the internet and found a number of scenarios where social services have made a couple with children living under the same roof choose between the children or the relationship but nothing in terms of our situation where my partner isn't the primary carer and the children are not under her roof. It seems that the social worker is doing his best to stretch this to cover our case.

Our final concern is that the social worker is insisting my offence is disclosed to my partners ex husband. He's known to be violent, the police have been called in relation to previous domestic violence when they were together and he was our main suspect when our cars were vandalized, although this remains unproven.

At the moment my partner has no contact with him and he has minimal contact with his daughters and granddaughters however, he has recently been seeking information from the daughters as to were my partner is living, if she's with me and if it's a house, flat etc.. As far as I know, the girls haven't told him anything.

We are concerned that the social workers approach is to let everyone know for the sake of child protection (which of course we fully appreciate) regardless of the implications that may result for any 3rd party, in this case my partner and I. Her ex is known to be very volatile and both my partner and I are concerned that should he find out we and especially me will be targeted violently if not by him by someone he has instructed which we feel will happen without doubt. Basically, if he is advised, we or I alone will have to move out of the area for our own safety.

We have been advised that there is a professional meeting planned to discuses our case and I'm concerned that this issue will be underestimated and we don't really have anyone to fight our corner and ensure that I'm also protected in any recommendations or plans.

We respect that there may be protection rules in place as we have been working with these for the last two years. All we want is to move forward together, living within any guidelines even if this means that I don't have any contact with the children.

I am not proud of my offence, I was in such a low place at that time but I am proud of how far I've come and how I have managed to turn my life around. I just want a chance.

We would really appreciate any advise you can offer.

*** amended by Suzie to maintain confidentiality

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Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by Kami2018 » Tue Sep 18, 2018 6:58 pm

With out sounding rude every time I see these posts the partner or the offenders always seem to put blame on children services for the action when there is offender under same tenancy as children, I know you say here that your disappointed at urself etc and you must probably our but u can't expect social services to allow you live under the same roof as a child with the risk that yiuncoukd 're offend and maybe tons worse crime this time there's always the what it's and if children's services didn't take the safe guarding approach they did in this horrible world lot of children would suffer

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Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by A0917H » Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:05 am

Thanks for your reply, however it seems that you are doing what everyone dose and typecast "These people" who post "Theses Posts".

If you re read my post again, I am not questioning Child services or blaming them just questioning their approach. I thought I'd made it clear that the children will not be under our roof?

Posting on here was a stab in the dark as there is simple no information out there for "People like me".

Thanks anyway.

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Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by Kami2018 » Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:25 pm

No I'm not I'm simple saying that when offenders come on here and usually say I was in a low place blah blah blah it annoys me that they question children's services job at the end of a day there priority is to safe guard any child in any risk or potential risk situation is all , I see that you deeply regret your actions but what I'm trying to say is don't question a professional who has to expect the worse of any person until the assess any situation and they also have to no for a fact that any offender or in any situation that any type person doesn't pose any sort of risk to any children

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Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by Seadog01274 » Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:47 pm

I understand what your saying kami but I don’t feel children’s services have the skills or knowledge to know how to successfully assess people and help offenders move forward with the rest of their lives. As they don’t have these resources it seems a reoccurring issue that their answer is to simply stop any kind of contact with any offender, wether they have been rehabilitated or not. Risk assessments always seem to have the same outcome. Their is no involvement from children’s services with the offender in a lot of cases so they never know anyone on a personal level. They are all branded as the same person with the same issues and same outcome. From my personal experience with my social worker she has only ever met my husband once. She says she doesn’t get involved with the offender, that the police will deal with him.

But people’s lives have to move forward in a positive way from a lot of situations where children’s services become involved and it feels extremely frustrating for someone who is trying to do this and rebuild their lives without feeling to get the support from the one person who is meant to support the family and ensure safety steps are in place for all involved.

I don’t see how you can accuse anyone who has served their time and learnt from their mistakes of making themselves out to be the victim.
A lot of offenders are victims of addiction and psychological illness and they require professional help and understanding of what they have done in order to recover.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Sep 26, 2018 4:58 pm

Dear A0917H

Welcome to the parents’ discussion forum and thank you for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I am sorry that you did not received a response to your post from me although I see Kami2018 another poster responded.

It appears from your post that you have given what appears to be a detailed outline of how things have gone for you before and after your conviction.

Probation in their safeguarding role has to make a referral to children’s services in situations like yours especially as your partner has young grandchildren who it would be expected would visit her home. As you disclosed your intention to move into your partner’s home the referral was made.

You have been it seems open and honest with your partner and her family about your history and they have been supportive of you. It is really good that you have attended courses to address your offending behaviour. I suppose that the restrictions on you following your conviction are that you cannot be with a child under 16 without supervision. If that is the case, then provided the parent is aware and willing to supervise this should alleviate children’s services concerns. If this is not the case and the social worker considers you to be a risk then he should carry out a proper risk assessment to identify the level of risk which you pose to your partner’s grandchildren. Do you have contact with your own son?

The language that you have attributed to the social worker does not seem an appropriate way for the social worker, as a professional, to carry out a discussion. If you wish to discuss this aspect then it might be helpful to ask for a meeting with the social worker’s team manager to discuss your concerns.

Since the children do not actually live with their grandmother I do not think you would be breaching any law. However, from a safeguarding point of view, the social worker should give an indication of what his expectations are in relation to you and your partner’s to live together and why he thinks this will be a problem. I imagine that you looking after the children alone or doing caring such as baths etc. would not be allowed.

It is important for the social worker to take on board your concerns and I am not clear why your partner's ex husband needs to be informed since the children concerned are not his children although he is of course a grandparent. If he is informed and there are any threats from him directly or indirectly then you should inform the police. Your partner could, if necessary, obtain an order from the court to prevent him harassing or molesting her.

I notice that you have done courses but you may also find it helpful to make contact with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on 0808 100 0900. This organisation offers advice to both perpetrators and family members where there are sexual offences.

Reading our advice sheet An introductory guide to Children’s Services will provide you with more information about what should happen when children’s services receive a referral.

My suggestion is that your partner and you put in writing to the social worker a request for a clear indication what their expectations are and what plan of action is intended. Ask for a written response.

Our advice sheet on Child protection procedures may also be helpful, although it is not intended that the children lives with you and your partner so that is why it is important to know exactly what children’s services expectations are especially if the restriction on you is to be supervised around children.

You may wish to speak to an adviser and, if so, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes


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Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:48 pm

Re: Not allowed to live with my partner ?

Post by A0917H » Thu Sep 27, 2018 3:51 pm

Thanks for the replies.

Just for the record, my offense was non contact and with a girl of 17.

I'm now off of licence as from yesterday! and have now moved in with my partner. We had a meeting last week with all parties, Social worker, Probation, Police and my partner and I. The Police confirmed that they had no issue and questioned the grounds and legality on the social workers intention to refuse to let me reside after licence. He of course had no legal grounds and we did agree that the grandchildren wouldn't visit while the review was going through. He also threatened to stop my partner seeing the grandchildren totally but again had no grounds to impose this as the children were not under our roof.

The issue with Social services wanting to inform my partners ex still remains and they are intent on doing this despite having the concerns in writing from my partner, her daughter and myself. The response so far is that Social services must protect the local authority as if the ex finds out later he could sue them. So, protecting the local authority is more important than our protection?

The police have advised that they have no power over this and should the ex cause any trouble, verbally or psychically we will just have to call 999. This is all well and good but I doubt he's going to wait to get caught in the act and is more likely to vandalise our cars or get someone else to do his dirty work. He really is a nasty piece of work. Still as long as the local council are ok......

He is also insisting in talking to my partners other daughter who is 24, has no children and lives with her boyfriend, why ?

We know this is what they do, their job is very important as yes there are some nasty people out there, I know this all too well as I've met some while in custody. We can put ourselves in their position and others who may look in at this situation however not everyone is the same and I hate being attached to that group of people but yes it's my own fault.

We just don't trust the social worker in his approach of pushing his own opinion of me while trying to influence others and lying in the process. He has told my partners daughter (Mother of the girls) that I'll never change like a leopard doesn't change his spots, I'm not taking my antidepressants and I'm mentally unstable and It's only a mater of time before I offend again the next time I get low. He has also lied about things said in one to one meetings, denying everything you have said and if you have a conversation will pull everything you say apart and put a negative twisted spin on it.

Moving forward, I wont be talking via phone and will be recorded everything following advise I've picked up here. I read that and thought, surely it can't be that bad?, oh how I was wrong. These people think they are untouchable.

Things have got a little better and there has been a meeting at the children's school which we have been told is standard practice.

We are just going with the flow now and will wait to see what they come back with in terms of future contact. We are hoping that if anything it will be supervised contact only for me but are prepared for no contact at all with me.

I'll keep you updated as things move on.


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