Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 3:47 pm

From what I’ve been reading on this site it could be up to a year until they come knocking at his door with a warrant for arrest. There just doesn’t seem to be any support for the people left stuck in limbo waiting to know what’s going to happen next

Kami2018
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:11 pm

Ring them and ask them can u speak with team manager and express your concerns to them

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2023
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Jul 06, 2018 3:15 pm

Dear seadog 01274
Welcome to the Parents Forum,
I can see what a shock it must have been to find out that your husband is under investigation due to down loading child sexual abuse images. This must be particularly traumatic for you, as you are only just married and were moving into a new home together. Now you are having to cope with things alone.
You also had to deal with the shock of dealing with your husband’s poor mental health.


You have found really helpful support from the Just stop it now helpline. There is also the Parents Protect website.
You say you are feeling close to breaking point. Do you have close family or friends who can help you or you could discuss counselling or other support with your GP or the Samaritans. The stress of recent events could understandably be impacting on your mental health.

It is good news that your husband has admitted everything as it might help him access the support he needs. Just stop it now can advise about courses and support for him. He should call them himself if he has not done so.
Unfortunately, the police have said that the forensic examination of the computer devices will take months. Children services will want to be sure that your daughter is safe and protected from your husband’s possible risk to her during this time.
Their assessment will assume that dad is high risk-until they know more-from the police and later assessments- and they will want to assess your ability to protect your daughter from your husband and to put her safety before your relationship with him.

So even though you say you know he is safe-you cannot assume that is the case. A forensic risk assessment will need to ascertain this.

It is early days. Look at the information about assessments and the FAQ’s . In the longer term, then it will depend on many factors including what support he obtains as well.


Best wishes,
Suzie

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 6:26 pm

Another long week has some how passed. My husband has moved to his mothers house 2 hours away. I’ve never felt more lonely, in a new home that we have worked so hard for. I do have family and friends but everyone just tells me we don’t have a future and to leave him and get a divorce. I wish it was that simple. I love this man, he has been my best friend for the last 4 years. We’ve only spent afew nights apart in all this time.
Social worker hasn’t been overly helpful. She met with me the week after it all happened. She then met with my daughter at school this week and then phoned me the day after to have a chat about what they spoke about. She says she’s extremely concerned that my daughter still believes once he’s better he will be coming home. I felt this was the most age appropriate thing to tell her, that my husband is poorley and needs to stay with his mum until he gets better.
When she phoned me she only really asked me if I plan on staying in a relationship with my husband and bombarded me with how difficult it will make my life if I chose to do so. She is coming to see me Monday.
My husband has been in contact with stop it now along with afew other charities who do offer courses but they all have a price tag that there’s no way on this Earth we can afford. Stop it now have a course but it’s just over £1000.
I am still feeling so lost and confused. My daughter is at her dads this weekend so my husband is coming to stay at our home. I’m hoping with more time and assessments social services will see he is not a threat to her and will allow supervised access at weekends.

Kami2018
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:52 pm

I would advise you to be very careful even having ur husband at ur home even when ur daughters not there children's services may not agree with this and will, see that ur not willing to end ur relationship with someone who poses a potential risk to ur daughter I know it must be very difficult but u have also got to u understand all this from a outside point of view u really need to make a decision and dpfast before that option is taken away from you because CS can ask u sign a written agreement to not have contact with ur husband directly or indirectly

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 10:57 pm

How can they do that when we have literally just got the house together less than 2 weeks ago? There is alsorts that needs doing that I physically can’t do that is his responsibility. Surely they need to be carrying out some kind of risk assessment? Financially he still has to support us and this house so having no contact with my husband is not possible.

Kami2018
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 11:10 pm

Because in there eyes it doesn't matter about what needs done in ur home all there interest will be is that your daughter is in a safe environment and that you are safe guarding her at all times children's services will test your ability to safe guard and will be montering your family and the choices u make when it comes to ur husband. children's services Will honestly only be interested in the safety and well being of it child and what strengths u show to protect her .

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 11:23 pm

But I am protecting her if she is at her biological dads when I chose to spend time with him? As I say he needs my support too, he tried to commit suicide the day this happened, he is my soul mate and I can’t just walk away from him when he is struggling so much. She can’t come to any harm if she isn’t here

Kami2018
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Fri Jul 06, 2018 11:45 pm

If he tried to commit suicide that will be another massive concern to children's services I do understand how hard this may be for you but u cannot be in relationship with a SO I know also ur life has been turn upside down and I am truly sorry for you for that but CS only care for the welfare of your child and I am really sorry to break this to you again but they do have the power to stop you having contact with your husband and if thatbid asked of you and you do not comply they will then seek a court order to safe guard your child, there are many reasons why they might decide this tiny continue your relationship I would suggest you contact the family right grouosnphone line when children's services visit you on Monday they will be assessing your potential to safe guard and one of there main questions and concerns will be is if you are going to maintain a relationship with your husband

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:29 pm

Just wanted to post an update as we are almost 4 weeks on from my day from hell. I have had 3 meetings with the social worker, she has been to see my daughter at school once, she says no concerns were raised when she met with my daughter. My husband has found a new job in the town where he is now living (with his mum) and is coming to our house every other weekend when my daughter is at her biological dads. On the social workers last visit she said we are now having to attend a child protection conference which will be on around 3-4 weeks time. I’m not sure what to expect of this meeting. I’m guessing rules will be laid out and everyone has to agree to them. I have asked the social worker if my daughter can make a phone call to my husband which was denied. She also told me the case is now being passed to another social worker with more experience and the one I have is newly qualified. She is going to see my husband and my daughters biological dad on Tuesday. I feel she is pushing me into a corner and doesn’t want to find a way for us to rebuild our family. We have been desperately trying to find some courses for my husband but these seem to come with a huge price tag which we just can’t afford. Can anyone recommend anything?


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