Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:07 pm

This is my first time posting. I just need to find someone who’s can give me some positivity to hold onto.

Our story starts 3 and a half years ago. I met the love of my life. It took less than a week for us to fall in love. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 8 years old. She’s always been my whole world and the feeling of finding the one and bringing him into our lives was both exciting but scary.
Skipping forward, after around 2 years of being together we got engaged. Our lives were moving in such a positive direction. My little girl loves the bones of my fiancé and we start to plan our entire future. We live in a tiny seaside town and things seemed perfect. Our relationship felt stronger than ever as we began to plan our wedding. On 2nd June 2018 we had our big day. Along with planning the wedding the opportunity to buy our first family home also came along. This would be the icing on the cake, a week after our wedding we would be picking up the keys to our new home. It had been such a stressful time but hadn’t affected our family life, along side the stress was so much excitement.
3 weeks on from my wedding. A regular Wednesday morning. My husband had gone to work, I was getting my daughter ready for school, then at 8:05am my entire life fell apart. 2 police officers knocked on my door, came into my house with a warrant and told me they had the right to search our home and remove any electronic devise they wanted. We were all packed up and ready to be moving house. In front of my 8 year old daughter they spoke very black and white as to why they were here and what they were doing. I went into shock and denial and knew this must be some stupid mistake.
Fast forward to the evening. My husband returned home an hour late from work. He told me the police had taken his phone and he sobbed. He handed me a note which when I opened it, it was a suicide note. He told me he had tried to hang himself and failed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He told me he had been suffering from a porn addiction for the last 15 years. He said this had started when he was 15 years old and he had started using porn to look at girls of his own age. Not at first for masturbation but out of curiosity. He then proceeded to tell me he had thousands of images of children on his laptop from over the years. I went into shock, called my friend and took myself and my daughter out of the situation. I rang the police and told them of his suicidal state. He then became a missing person for over 3 hours. I felt in a bubble, everything was going on around me, everyone talking and crying. I was there but wasn’t there if that makes sense. My husband was finally found at the local police station which is almost an hour away from our home. He openly admitted to everything he had done and begged the police for help.
He was assessed by the mental health team who released him at 1:30am.
The next day is a blur. I was at my friends house. She took my daughter to school and I went down to our home. I was still processing everything but I knew I wanted answers. The day after I contacted social services as the police officer from Wednesday morning had told me he had to report his suspiscions. The social services gave me no support, no idea of what would happen, they just made it clear to me my husband was not allowed any kind of contact with my daughter. Hours felt to drag for ever. We had to think very practical as we were moving house in a weeks time.
I had to ask my husband very openly about what was going on. What was on his laptop and the hardest question of all, if he had ever harmed my daughter. He went on to tell me how he has never acted on his online obsession and how he loves my daughter as his own and would never ever harm her. I have to say I believe him 100%. My daughter has never given me any raise for concern, as I say we are a normal happy family.
I have had to take each day an hour at a time with no answers, no support apart from my friend who we have been staying with for the past week. Every day my daughter asks when she can see my husband, when can we all go to the new house together. My entire world has collapsed around me. I have spent hours online trying to find answers and find some kind of hope that he can find help for his problem and that one day we will be able to try and rebuild our family. I am currently not sleeping or eating, I am constantly looking for some glimmer of hope but all I seem to find is that when this happens the wife always walks away from her husband. I have spent hours talking to him and asking questions and I feel so heart broken that he has been hiding this horrific secret from everyone for 15 years. As his wife I feel it is my job to support him and help him however I can. I finally had a visit from social services a week after the event. They have basically smashed any hopes I had of their being a way through this. I pick up the keys for the house tomorrow and I just feel sick to my stomach to think I have to go through this alone. Financially, physically and emotionally.
I am receiving support from the stop it now helpline but I am desperate to hear of someone who has been through this and come out the other side. I know our relationship will take years of help and support to rebuild trust and work things out. But I love him. I can’t imagine my world without him, neither can my daughter. I am not making any excuses for what he has done, it sickens me to my stomach. But I genuinely feel he needs help for his addiction. We have been told by police it could be months and months until they come with a warrant to arrest him as they have to gather evidence even though he has been to the police station and admitted everything. I feel stuck, he is having to move to his mothers which is 2 hours away. I am having erational mood swings and feel extremely close to breaking point.

Dumbfounded
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 7:23 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Dumbfounded » Thu Jun 28, 2018 8:42 pm

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be really difficult. I'm struggling with social services and the police myself but cannot offer you any advise, hopefully one of the other users will have some experience in something like this.

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 8:57 pm

It’s like living a nightmare. It’s now 2 days until
My husband has to move away and it’s killing me. I’m struggling to do any every day tasks and the thought of moving house tomorrow is just horrendous.

Dumbfounded
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 7:23 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Dumbfounded » Thu Jun 28, 2018 9:12 pm

I know that feeling. Just take it one hour at a time. It's like a living nightmare. Sending hugs and try and keep your chin up for your daughter. x

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 9:15 pm

Are you going through something similar? It’s literally an hour at a time at the moment. Everyone keeps telling me give it time, things will get better but when I even try to think about the future I feel things will only get worse xxx

Dumbfounded
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 7:23 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Dumbfounded » Thu Jun 28, 2018 9:51 pm

HI, yes I'm going through hell. I've just done a big post on it. My daughter who's 2 made an allegation against my husband, we have evidence that it didn't happen but the police want to speak to him but its been 9 days now and no contact. It's horrific.

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 9:56 pm

Ohh gosh. Can I private messsage you somehow? I just feel I need someone who has and kind of clue what my head is like. Have you heard from social services? I rang them myself the day after it happened as I heard nothing. It was only yesterday someone came to see me and that’s only because I rang twice after that as being stuck in limbo is driving me insane xx

Kami2018
Posts: 59
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 11:15 pm

I understand that you are both going through he'll but you both have to understand that children's services have the right to investigate any referral they receive and especially when there as serious as your situations when they is a serious concern forma child's safety there is procedures they have to follow and rightly so they need to remove the children from the potential risk which u can both understand I'd hope as time and time again you hear stories on news where there's a lot of mistakes made but as you'd both no and probably agree children's safety and wellbeing are absolutely paramount so I'd say this to you both co operate and comply with police and children's services they have a duty to all children and to make sure they safe and at no risk if it turns put there no risk n innocent then so on but for now even no its hard which I understand must be terrible to digest such bad allegations but u need to both be patient and that children's services need to clear up and assess all this beforentbey would ever allow a child to be around a potential risk of any sort

Seadog01274
Posts: 39
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Seadog01274 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 9:59 am

I’ve spent ages on this forum and the one thing I’ve learnt is that I have to just nod and agree with social services no matter what they say. I saw her Wednesday and then they are seeing my daughter at school next Wednesday. Just doesn’t feel quick enough for me, I want things done yesterday. No idea when I will next see her. I get the keys for the house today, getting texts through from people this morning wishing us luck and congratulations has just made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Kami2018
Posts: 59
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Desperate to find someone in my shoes

Postby Kami2018 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 2:38 pm

I understand how incredibly hard this may be because your the innocent one who has done nothing wrong and your life is falling apart around you but u have to understand this type investigation will take sometime to get the correct answer to everything that's going on they need to I vestigate everything with a fine tooth comb so to speak


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