Hi, does anyone have any advice about how I can talk to my children about their fathers convictions? It needs to be age appropriate (they are 4 and 7) and done in a way that doesn’t undermine their trust in both of us and also that is not too scary for them to process. We are still together and they love their dad very much, it’s important that we don’t lose that but I want them to be prepared to some level in case someone outside the family says something to them.
Has anyone else spoken frankly to their children about this sort of stuff? Any advice / suggestions / ideas gratefully received.
Thanks
Talking to children about parents convictions
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
You don't mention what the con fictions are that would help so much I'm in a position atm where my partner is going to prison very soon and bail conditions mean he's not allowed to our city we live in it doesn't mean he can't have contact with his children his bail conditions are so he can't interfere with witnesses or 're offend I told my children there daddy is away camping to collect all the flys as they don't like flys so when he's collected them all he will come back and we can all go camping
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Hi Bees, I have personal experience of this with my two of similar age and we've had the benefit of some child psychologist advice. I want to write about this properly but I won't be able to get to it for a few days, bear with me please but I will write soon.
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Hi Bees,
This is such an important topic, and not one people really talk about. It is so difficult to tackle head on. While the NSPCC provide some good information on self-protection for children - which of course should be part of any child's education and is an important aspect of discussions - their remit is entirely and appropriately child protection and does not consider how to discuss sexual offences with children and the immediate and long term impact and implications of these offences. In particular, they are not really geared towards those situations in which the (ex)-offender may continue to play a role in the children's lives.
As I say, we had the benefit of professional input and the children were about the same age at the time of disclosure. The important overall main points were:
1. Disclosure is an ongoing process that will evolve and necessarily change over time as the children's understanding of the sexual nature of the crime changes. There may need to be several discussions.
2. It is important not to lie, so that they do not face unpleasant shocks later on when there may be unexpected disclosure and they find out the truth. That they're not left joining the dots when they do internet safety at school. I realise from your post that you understand this. This might undermine the relationship with both parents if they feel deceived.
3. You need to be responsive to their emotional needs and - although most offenders don't want to hear this - be prepared that, as their awareness of the societal context of the crime grows - they could unilaterally reject the offending parent. Of course they may not.
4. Obviously it needs to be simple and understandable. At that age, they think of crimes as cops and robbers, so this is all a bit abstract to them.
So, in practical terms, you might want to discuss how daddy had broken the law and he was punished for it. It will be important to say that what he did wrong involved adults hurting or harming children. Maybe introduce the concept of rude pictures, and, depending on circumstances, that he didn't take the pictures himself but looked at them. (Not sure how you deal with indecent exposure). It might be relevant in your case to say that the police and people who look after children say you can't see him for a while while he makes sure it doesn't happen again. Depending on his remorse, insight, and willingness to change and seek help, it might be appropriate to say that he has worked hard to make sure it doesn't happen again, but this takes time. Depending on what risk assessments have been done, it may be appropriate to say that he has been tested and doctors/people who work with children are happy/unhappy for you to see him at the moment.
So I suppose that's a start. Our situation has plenty of complications, but the kids enjoy a very good relationship with their dad at the moment.
Take care.
This is such an important topic, and not one people really talk about. It is so difficult to tackle head on. While the NSPCC provide some good information on self-protection for children - which of course should be part of any child's education and is an important aspect of discussions - their remit is entirely and appropriately child protection and does not consider how to discuss sexual offences with children and the immediate and long term impact and implications of these offences. In particular, they are not really geared towards those situations in which the (ex)-offender may continue to play a role in the children's lives.
As I say, we had the benefit of professional input and the children were about the same age at the time of disclosure. The important overall main points were:
1. Disclosure is an ongoing process that will evolve and necessarily change over time as the children's understanding of the sexual nature of the crime changes. There may need to be several discussions.
2. It is important not to lie, so that they do not face unpleasant shocks later on when there may be unexpected disclosure and they find out the truth. That they're not left joining the dots when they do internet safety at school. I realise from your post that you understand this. This might undermine the relationship with both parents if they feel deceived.
3. You need to be responsive to their emotional needs and - although most offenders don't want to hear this - be prepared that, as their awareness of the societal context of the crime grows - they could unilaterally reject the offending parent. Of course they may not.
4. Obviously it needs to be simple and understandable. At that age, they think of crimes as cops and robbers, so this is all a bit abstract to them.
So, in practical terms, you might want to discuss how daddy had broken the law and he was punished for it. It will be important to say that what he did wrong involved adults hurting or harming children. Maybe introduce the concept of rude pictures, and, depending on circumstances, that he didn't take the pictures himself but looked at them. (Not sure how you deal with indecent exposure). It might be relevant in your case to say that the police and people who look after children say you can't see him for a while while he makes sure it doesn't happen again. Depending on his remorse, insight, and willingness to change and seek help, it might be appropriate to say that he has worked hard to make sure it doesn't happen again, but this takes time. Depending on what risk assessments have been done, it may be appropriate to say that he has been tested and doctors/people who work with children are happy/unhappy for you to see him at the moment.
So I suppose that's a start. Our situation has plenty of complications, but the kids enjoy a very good relationship with their dad at the moment.
Take care.
-
Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4230
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Dear Bees
Thank you for posting again on the parents’ discussion board.
From your post, I see that you wish to explain to your children the nature of their father’s conviction and anxious to know the best way to do this.
You have had some good advice from DD2SS who shared their experience with you in response to your post.
I think it is important that this should be done in an age appropriate manner. Have you discussed this with the social worker who has been involved with your family?
It might be helpful if you make contact with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation or Barnados who should be able to give you advice about how best to approach to share this information with your children.
Should you wish to speak to an adviser, feel free to telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.
Hope you find this helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Thank you for posting again on the parents’ discussion board.
From your post, I see that you wish to explain to your children the nature of their father’s conviction and anxious to know the best way to do this.
You have had some good advice from DD2SS who shared their experience with you in response to your post.
I think it is important that this should be done in an age appropriate manner. Have you discussed this with the social worker who has been involved with your family?
It might be helpful if you make contact with the Lucy Faithfull Foundation or Barnados who should be able to give you advice about how best to approach to share this information with your children.
Should you wish to speak to an adviser, feel free to telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.
Hope you find this helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Thank you this is a really helpful response and I will speak to the professionals involved regarding what you have said. We have all as core group agreed that we need to do some work on this and this will form a really helpful basis for our discussion. Thank you
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Thank you this is a really helpful response and I will speak to the professionals involved regarding what you have said. We have all as core group agreed that we need to do some work on this and this will form a really helpful basis for our discussion. Thank you
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Hi all, glad it was helpful.
Freddie: I don't think you should feel bad or worried at all about the NSPCC's "good touches, bad touches" approach, that is all part of self protection and it's good that they learn about it. In your case, it doesn't sound like it would be directly related (or contextualised with) to your partner's offence anyway. I should emphasise, that NSPCC advice was core to disclosure in our case and the kids took it in their stride. Perhaps another question is: who can they talk to after that information is given in case they have further questions afterwards (it's a lot to take in at the time)? Perhaps a follow-up meeting with whoever's involved in your case would be helpful?
Bees: Glad it helps. It would be good to know how you get on. There's obviously no right or wrong way to do this and all kids are different. Having some ideas on how others are handling it is very useful!
Suzie: I called Lucy Faithful, unfortunately they do not have specific guidance on this at the moment and were unable to help. Perhaps this will change. Their website is good, but their approach necessarily differs to that of the children's charities, who do not wish to give succour to offenders and instead wholly focus on child protection, for obvious reasons. Given the differences in opinions on offenders' motives for online offences and ability to rehabilitate, this is a really contentious area even for professionals (let alone within families), and it makes the all important question of "why did daddy do this?" particularly challenging. We haven't crossed that bridge yet.
Freddie: I don't think you should feel bad or worried at all about the NSPCC's "good touches, bad touches" approach, that is all part of self protection and it's good that they learn about it. In your case, it doesn't sound like it would be directly related (or contextualised with) to your partner's offence anyway. I should emphasise, that NSPCC advice was core to disclosure in our case and the kids took it in their stride. Perhaps another question is: who can they talk to after that information is given in case they have further questions afterwards (it's a lot to take in at the time)? Perhaps a follow-up meeting with whoever's involved in your case would be helpful?
Bees: Glad it helps. It would be good to know how you get on. There's obviously no right or wrong way to do this and all kids are different. Having some ideas on how others are handling it is very useful!
Suzie: I called Lucy Faithful, unfortunately they do not have specific guidance on this at the moment and were unable to help. Perhaps this will change. Their website is good, but their approach necessarily differs to that of the children's charities, who do not wish to give succour to offenders and instead wholly focus on child protection, for obvious reasons. Given the differences in opinions on offenders' motives for online offences and ability to rehabilitate, this is a really contentious area even for professionals (let alone within families), and it makes the all important question of "why did daddy do this?" particularly challenging. We haven't crossed that bridge yet.
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
Sorry, just wanted to say one more thing. We were fortunate in that our Cafcass officer was excellent (private law case), had befriended the children, and was very neutral when disclosing (with mum present). Not sure who you have available to you to help out, but obviously who gives the information is important and, if I may say, would preferably be evidence rather than emotion driven.
Re: Talking to children about parents convictions
We went through this a few months ago probably when you posted this so I'm sorry I didn't see. The social worker wanted my husband to make the disclosure and me to be in another room which was adjoining at home. The SW was actually really sensitive and worked together with us to ensure enough was covered but that it was age appropriate. We have a 7 year old, 10 year old with extra needs, 12 year old and 13 year old plus a 7m old baby who obviously doesn't know anything yet. I was a bit worried about not being in the room but my husband really faced it head on and was very open with the kids. I was really impressed and I know the SW was too. Obviously not with what he did but how he handled telling them because it was one of the hardest moments of our lives. One that we didn't necessarily agree with at first. Our children have a strong relationship with their Father though and I felt Confident they would be Ok. I am aware there maybe feelings or behaviour in the future as they understand more but that is something we are prepared for. Their schools were also made aware when a time was agreed on so they would be ready for any issues at school.
My husband told them seperately so that it was age appropriate and they had the opportunity to ask questions. Our 7 year old asked if she could play a board game that was in the room with her Daddy at this point which lightened the atmosphere. The SW said it was a telling point when each of the kids by their own choice told their Daddy they love him and hugged him. My husband and I got emotional and our 2 boys also did. Even the SW had tears in his eyes. I think it's a good way for the SW to see how the kids feel about their Dad and also a chance for the kids to decide what they want still. Not that it makes a difference we still have no idea if or when he can return home and he left June 2017. I've only posted once before but he was investigated after online chat with other men surrounding talk of doing something to teens. They also exchanged pictures my husband had looked at pics of clothed older teens and also sent a clothed fb pic of a friends daughter (head) which was absolutely wrong and awful. There were alot lore images on the laptop than he was aware of and he was advised to plead guilty to this to save time. The solicitor told him they were found on the laptop not the hard drive which means they weren't downloaded. She however still said to plead guilty so he took that advice because he was guilty of what he had admitted to (looking at pics of clothed teens and talking to those other men). He's been doing alot of work with probation unpicking his childhood and long standing anxiety and difficulties dealing or not with issues from his childhood. Still a way to go but he's been very proactive and engaged with them well. We only see him twice a week when my Mum supervises. That is at home or in public. He was charged with making Nd sharing pseudo images of children there were 7 cat b and 204 cat c. I found out when I was 7 weeks pregnant. It blew my world apart. We'd been married for 14 years. He did 150 hours community service and has a suspended sentence of 6 months suspended for 2 years. He is never going anywhere near anything like this ever again. His risk assessment was based on risk of roff ending online but of course SS see someone who's done this as capable of contact offence. I have done Protective parenting assessment and did my best researching etc. The lady from Special assessment team said that I knew more than her about online safety for children and I have shown the kids are my main concern. We will not risk anything happening to the kids or SS escalating. It's very scary to have them involved but I completely understand why. Next step is my husband having a psychological assessment though SS haven't yet agreed to fund an independent one. Next CPC is in a few months and I doubt they will be out CIN yet though the SW says its a single case issue that I'm a great Mum and care for the kids needs and above. I'm frustrated that I still cannot supervise in public though I can supervise out baby with him. They keep making excuses saying our babies care needs are high etc etc but I already take the kids everywhere alone and supervise them all to be safe which means keeping an eye on them all. I feel SS are using the number of children we have as an excuse and they keep saying how unique the situation is. Unique because I want him to return home? Unique because of the number of children, unique because I have proven my capabilities in protecting them? Unique because it is an online offence? They haven't told me exactly how it is unique so I will ask to pin that down. The Social worker also doesn't seem happy that we have sought a solicitor ourselves. He's said this is unusual when it's not in PLO and he's in talks with management and the legal team about it. This makes me uncomfortable as we have had what seemed a relaxed working relationship but this seems to have made them more serious. I told him we need to know what our rights are as atm we have no choices but to continue to do as they say. We feel things aren't progressing as this is now 16m since it all happened Xx
My husband told them seperately so that it was age appropriate and they had the opportunity to ask questions. Our 7 year old asked if she could play a board game that was in the room with her Daddy at this point which lightened the atmosphere. The SW said it was a telling point when each of the kids by their own choice told their Daddy they love him and hugged him. My husband and I got emotional and our 2 boys also did. Even the SW had tears in his eyes. I think it's a good way for the SW to see how the kids feel about their Dad and also a chance for the kids to decide what they want still. Not that it makes a difference we still have no idea if or when he can return home and he left June 2017. I've only posted once before but he was investigated after online chat with other men surrounding talk of doing something to teens. They also exchanged pictures my husband had looked at pics of clothed older teens and also sent a clothed fb pic of a friends daughter (head) which was absolutely wrong and awful. There were alot lore images on the laptop than he was aware of and he was advised to plead guilty to this to save time. The solicitor told him they were found on the laptop not the hard drive which means they weren't downloaded. She however still said to plead guilty so he took that advice because he was guilty of what he had admitted to (looking at pics of clothed teens and talking to those other men). He's been doing alot of work with probation unpicking his childhood and long standing anxiety and difficulties dealing or not with issues from his childhood. Still a way to go but he's been very proactive and engaged with them well. We only see him twice a week when my Mum supervises. That is at home or in public. He was charged with making Nd sharing pseudo images of children there were 7 cat b and 204 cat c. I found out when I was 7 weeks pregnant. It blew my world apart. We'd been married for 14 years. He did 150 hours community service and has a suspended sentence of 6 months suspended for 2 years. He is never going anywhere near anything like this ever again. His risk assessment was based on risk of roff ending online but of course SS see someone who's done this as capable of contact offence. I have done Protective parenting assessment and did my best researching etc. The lady from Special assessment team said that I knew more than her about online safety for children and I have shown the kids are my main concern. We will not risk anything happening to the kids or SS escalating. It's very scary to have them involved but I completely understand why. Next step is my husband having a psychological assessment though SS haven't yet agreed to fund an independent one. Next CPC is in a few months and I doubt they will be out CIN yet though the SW says its a single case issue that I'm a great Mum and care for the kids needs and above. I'm frustrated that I still cannot supervise in public though I can supervise out baby with him. They keep making excuses saying our babies care needs are high etc etc but I already take the kids everywhere alone and supervise them all to be safe which means keeping an eye on them all. I feel SS are using the number of children we have as an excuse and they keep saying how unique the situation is. Unique because I want him to return home? Unique because of the number of children, unique because I have proven my capabilities in protecting them? Unique because it is an online offence? They haven't told me exactly how it is unique so I will ask to pin that down. The Social worker also doesn't seem happy that we have sought a solicitor ourselves. He's said this is unusual when it's not in PLO and he's in talks with management and the legal team about it. This makes me uncomfortable as we have had what seemed a relaxed working relationship but this seems to have made them more serious. I told him we need to know what our rights are as atm we have no choices but to continue to do as they say. We feel things aren't progressing as this is now 16m since it all happened Xx
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