New Husband turned out to be online child sex offender

Keepmovingforward
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 22, 2017 9:00 am

New Husband turned out to be online child sex offender

Postby Keepmovingforward » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:40 am

I'm devastated right now, a few weeks ago (after being married a few months to an older man i'd been with for nearly 2 years) my husband was arrested for looking a indecent images of children online. Police noted that he had been flagged on the system just over 2 years ago and had tracked him to my address more recently.
I have two children (4 & 7) from a previous marriage, my children had built a relationship with this man. I wasn't getting clear information from anyone (i have aspergers i can't read between the lines need clear instruction) so ss and the police and homestart (who i was in contact with after previous marriage broke down) were vague or none commital to advice nor were solicitors or lucy faithful.
so I stuck by him trying to help him deal with his own abusive childhood. we'd talk about the investigation and the hows and whys etc, try and understand his triggers, then information starts coming out that he had not previously disclosed to me. more dates, more material, different types his worries about what the police might find and alarm bells start going off.
I realise its a bigger problem than hes let on. since his arrest hes not had any contact with my children and i was visiting him at a christian friends (couple) who were encouraging us to fight this as a couple, any advice i asked for was melted by reassurance that i was doing the right thing by our marriage and the children would be fine.
SS were showing vast concerns for me and the children, my house had been dominated by him and his belongings, and his demands on me were increasing, despite his disabilities he was digging himself deeper into my business (im self employed) and distracting me from the situation.
last week i took the decision to ask for divorce, after trying to talk in person and the phone, i had to text him. he stands a clear foot taller than me and i feared he would hurt me. since parting his company and talking to friends and family they've opened up in their relief and ive realised how much my relationship with him imposed on my family, i quickly realised that people were avoiding contact with me due to his controlling and intimidating nature.
Also my ex (the childrens father) was advised by SS to get legal advise and he has gone for a child arrangement order to gain custody of the children. I feel like my world is falling apart.
though since asking for the divorce and cutting all contact with my husband, i have cleared my home of all his belongings, reclaimed the house for me and the children and addressed all of the concerns i could raised by my ex in regards to the application for custody (other than that of the high risk husband) im not sure what else i can do?
i also now realise i was also victim to domestic abuse. im looking to enrol on a freedom programme to help me with this as well as the councilling the dr has referred me for. my main concern is SS is expecting me to divorce now but all the advice i've had suggests i can't do this til we'd been married a year. (three different solicitors and CAB)
Thanks for reading if you got this far xxx

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: New Husband turned out to be online child sex offender

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Oct 25, 2017 3:17 pm

Dear Keepmovingforward,

Welcome to the parents forum. I am sorry to hear about children services involvement with your family, due to the risks your husband poses to your children. It must have been a shock to find this all out after you married him.

You have to be commended for all the steps you are taking to protect yourself and your children. It is not clear what support you received from children services. It can be incredibly difficult to take these steps alone. Have you been referred to a domestic violence organisation?

Here are FAQ’s about domestic violence and children’s services.



Your question is about divorce proceedings. You have been advised that you cannot issue divorce proceedings until 1 year after the date of marriage. You should let the social worker know this, as well as advising her (in writing if you can) of all the efforts you have made to seek help for yourself. Can you get the divorce papers ready?

You have already separated from your husband. You ask what else you could do. There are some court orders that you might be able to get, before you issue divorce proceedings, such as a non- molestation orders. Rights of Women or a domestic violence service can advise you about these orders.


The father of your children is seeking child arrangements orders for the children. Will he still do so, if things have changed?
Is he seeking an interim order at the first hearing or not?
I suggest you contact the Rights of Women and the child law advice line (see above) for advice about private law children proceedings. Or you could call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Keepmovingforward
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 22, 2017 9:00 am

Re: New Husband turned out to be online child sex offender

Postby Keepmovingforward » Wed Oct 25, 2017 10:22 pm

It was a huge shock, more shocking when i realised just how much control over me he had. my ex said since declaring the divorce the words coming out of my mouth sounded like they were coming directly out of my husbands mouth and not mine. my mum (who hadn't visited my house in over a year) said she found him intimidating but felt they couldn't say no when he asked if he could marry me. I was happy. Happier than i'd felt for a long time. but clearly oblivious to the affect he was having on those around me and myself.

I haven't been referred to anyone regarding DV at all, i was told about the freedom programme by my mum as she used to work in a women's refuge (she found my situation particularly hard to sit back in but i wouldn't hear a bad thing said if that makes sense) SS themselves highlighted our relationship as controlling and it wasn't until the few day running up to me asking for the divorce that i actually realised it was. he was dictating a lot of things to me, including how to run my own business.

he hasn't actually molestered me at all, just mental abuse/control but i did fear physical response, even talking close to the subject of separation and not divorce got him all wound up even in a public setting. I felt like i took the cowards way out texting him to ask for divorce but when i'd tried private, public talking and phone and all i got was talked over or coerced back out of making the decision I wasn't left with much choice. My children are my priority, not him. I owe him nothing. the police told me these images date back anything up to 4 years ago and there's a likelihood there's video too. He can't remember as he conveniently was under adult ss at the time for his mental state and disabilities. (suicidal, severe depression) after so many revisions of his account of the investigation i could no longer trust his word therefore i considered him far to high a risk to allow to live with my children. my biggest fear was that knowing how he had already got in my head that in 6/7 years time my daughter will be a teen, would he have groomed/desensitised me to a level where i wouldn't have reacted appropriately if he'd make any advances on her.

my ex quiet rightly is concerned, he is still going ahead with the arrangement order it was advised by SS to be urgent so there is no prior mediation, but i have addressed all the issues he raised when my mum and I had a discussion with him and his girlfriend last week. (we has a fairly amicable relationship - works well keeps the children calm and stable) I do worry that they could gain custody, but they both work full time, ex often away in london mon-fri which leave little consistency for the children. whereas i'm self employed by choice so i can be there for them as needed. school holidays, training days etc aren't an issue for me. SS had no issue with my parenting when we discussed the assessment triangle, especially know the husband is out of the equation.


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