Children in care... now what

[nessie]

So my children have been in care for just over two years and it has been just over a year since the care order was made. I have given up all hope of reunification. They are in a much better place; will have much more opportunities; and a better life than I could have given them. The fact that I can't stand the foster carer and do not trust ss in the slightest is neither here nor there. Now what?? I obviously cannot look after my own children, or work due to mental illness made 100% worse by ss involvement; or look after myself as demonstrated by two recent suicide attempts. So what am I meant to do for the rest of my miserable life? Move house? At least that way I won't have be reminded of their empty bedrooms. Move towns? That way I don't have to drive past my daughters school which is five minutes up the road or risk bumping into them. I don't want to live the rest of my life always trying to make up for the past. My mum did that and I'm sure that's what killed her. What am I supposed to do? Seriously.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear nessie

Thank you for posting again and I am really sorry that you are still having such a difficult time since your children were removed from your care and care orders made to the local authority. You have posted the same information more than once so I have deleted the duplicate posts.

I understand that it must be hard to be without your children but you should try to remember that they are in long term foster care and it is really important for them and you to maintain good links through contact. Your children may not be living with you but this does not mean they do not care about you as their mother as much as you care for them.

From your post, it appears that you have accepted that you are not able to look after your children and made the selfless decision that they will be cared for have better life opportunities. This means that you are putting your children’s needs before your own. Having done so, I do not think you should feel that your life has no value as you are still a mother. I cannot say that the situation will change in the immediate future but your children need to know that you are alright and it time they may well want to reunite with you.

It is a struggle and you have had a hard time but you can try to take positives from your current situation. Firstly, you can make contact with your children a good experience, you can use the time you have to concentrate on making things better for you by maintaining your health and being the best you can be for your children. When they see you looking and feeling well this will make contact so much better for all of you.

I am not suggesting that you can do all this on your own. Why not speak to your GP and see what support can be offered to help you now. It is important that you want to make changes. You could also make contact with MIND 0300 123 3393 who will be able to give you details of your local service. I think it is important for you to have someone you can talk to about how you are feeling and get support.
In your post you mentioned that you have twice attempted to take your own life, this shows just how low your mood and feeling have been. I suggest that you contact Rethink on 0300 5000 927. This is an organisation who can support you in relation to the issues that led you to make these attempts. Their website is here for your information.

Try not to give up, even if you do decide to move away, it is important that you maintain your contact with your children and remain interested in what is happening in their lives. Attend the Looked After Child (LAC) meetings. Speak to the independent reviewing officer (IRO) if you have concerns about what is happening with your children. It might be a bit of a struggle for you but with support from the organisations I have mentioned, you are likely to find the strength to keep going.

You might also wish to contact MATCH a service for mothers apart from their children. Their website is here.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie