Police and social services

Ma1981
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 27, 2017 9:39 pm

Police and social services

Postby Ma1981 » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:27 pm

Hi,

I am looking for some advice please as I have never been through such a thing and I do not know what to do.
I have been with my partner for 6 years and lived together with him, my 2 children and my mum in my house. My mum never ever liked him for different reasons. Firstly because he has 2 children under his care who we always wanted to bring them here in UK with us. She never wanted this as she never wanted to leave me and my kids. She thinks I owe her everything I have and did and it's my fault for everything that's happening to her. She's always tried to control me and the house and she had a big input in my 2 previous divorces.
With my partner she has been very rude, always accusing him for being with me for money (he earns a very decent salary), being with me for UK papers, for the house, or to have a mother to his kids. She became verbally violent from start, physically too with me. She also tried on few occasions to turn the kids against me or him. We always hoped this shall pass and she'll accept our relation.
However since we took the decision to finally build our life together this summer she's made allegations of sexual abuse towards my 10 years old daughter, saying that she saw my partner one morning coming out of her room while she was asleep. My partner denies it. She's told my daughter very often that he goes in her room and uncovers her. My daughter doesn't believe her as her relationship with my partner is very father/daughter relationship as she says he's more of a father than her biological dad and she's always felt safe around him. My mother involved my daughter's dad, whom she saw maybe 10 times in 8 years.
Last Monday my daughters dad called the police to talk about the things my mum said and police interrogated my daughter at school. A social worker called me to inform me after the interrogation that my daughter said she feels safe around my partner but my mother seems to be the problem.
I haven't heard back since last week and don't know where to turn. School also interrogated her and they feel granny is the problem. I have always seen my daughter happy and she was looking forward to our marriage this year and being all a big family. My daughter says that granny always told her things about my partner and that she shouldn't play with him and keep away from him. My daughter's dad called the police because we didn't send him a father's day message but my daughter didn't want to. My mother than called him and said that I taught my daughter not to send one, which is a lie. I asked my daughter to text him but her answer was no, why should I? He didn't text me happy children's day!
What do I do? What shall I expect next? I am so lost!!

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1742
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Police and social services

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Jun 30, 2017 4:41 pm

Dear Ma1981

Thank you for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are worried about the involvement of the police and Children’s Services with your family. From what you have said it appears that the social worker (and the police) do not think that your daughter is at risk in your home or that the allegations that have been made about your partner are true.

Social workers however, do have a duty to investigate when information is passed to them about a child who may be at risk and they have timeframe to carry out their assessments. Working Together to Safeguard Children will give your more information about how this work is carried out, start reading from page 26 thereafter, I suggest you contact the social worker and ask for an update.

You say that the social worker has concerns about your mother’s role in the allegation and from what you say your mother plays a major role in your family life often making negative comments about your partner, and worryingly being violent towards you. You may need to consider what steps you might take to safeguard your daughter (and other child) from your mother’s negative comments: they are a matter of concern, and may be treated as emotional harm. Please discuss this with the social worker.

I hope this information is useful.

Best wishes

Suzie

Ma1981
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 27, 2017 9:39 pm

Re: Police and social services

Postby Ma1981 » Mon Jul 03, 2017 9:46 pm

Thank you for your response Suzie!! Much appreciated. Today a social worked came to my house without calling me first and I was still at work. She left me a card to call her which I did.
I am so worried of what may happen. Don't they need to call me to arrange the visit? When the police interrogated my daughter nobody actually called me. I found out from my daughter after school.

Will they also speak to my mum?

Chancing
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2016 2:39 am

Re: Police and social services

Postby Chancing » Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:39 am

I suspect the social workers will be concerned at the emotional and mental damage and trauma your mother is inflicting on them.
I understand she is your mother but she is endangering your children and,your,relationship with them.
If any of these allegations actually went further your partner would be ruined and possibly jailed.
These are not simple family spats, these are allegations that could cost you everything.
I suspect the social workers will want to know how you plan to protect your children from these kind of malicious attacks.
No 10 year old should be made to hear those kind of things about her father (biological or not.) She shouldn't even be thinking about that kind of thing at her age.
In my humble opinion your mother poses a very real and present risk to both your partner and your children and I personally would be requesting she us,removed from the house.
But that is just me. I have,experience of dealing with children welfare and in my experience they want to know that you are capable of both physically and emotionally protecting your children.
Right now it seems you can't even protect yourself from this woman.
Which means your children are at risk.
If you really want to keep her around I would suggest family mediation.

Please take care of yourself and take any help you can from the social work. They maybe,able to help you discuss things with your mother.to help you place boundaries surrounding her behaviour.
Although I would be requesting help in finding her her own accommodation as I would not feel safe having her in my home.
I do wish you all the best, good fortune to you and yours.

Ma1981
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 27, 2017 9:39 pm

Re: Police and social services

Postby Ma1981 » Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:43 pm

Thank you for your post. It gives me hope.
A social worker visited our house today for 2 hours. She spoke separately with me then with my mum and said that she will speak to children in school, then will contact GP as well.
Her concerns are mainly that my daughter heard things that she shouldn't have at her age or witnessed arguments between I and my mother.
I have also asked mum to move out and offered help or support if she needs to.
Mum kind of admitted that she wanted I and my partner to break up because if he would have brought his kids to live with us will be too much for me and because she is afraid to be on her own after living together for so many years. She feels that I chose my partner and his kids over her.
My daughter's dad is now saying that he will ask in court for my daughter to live with him. My fear is that this will never end with him. I also forgot to mention to social worker when she asked what do you think it triggered him to go to police and I said by not sending him a father's day message, but a couple of weeks before he said that if I do not stop contact with my partner completely he will go to authorities, which he did. Can she or he do more harm? Will they also speak to my partner?
She also asked why my partner doesn't visit us at home and I said because mum doesn't like it, but we meet during weekend and spend time together with the children outside the house.
Does it mean that they do not see my partner a danger to my children? He's always been great around kids and they like spending time together because as they say he's more fun than you mum. :)
I miss us being together like a family and I find it hard at times and feel alone sometimes through all this.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1742
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Police and social services

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jul 10, 2017 2:23 pm

Dear Ma1981

Thanks for your further post. It is good that Chancing’s post has helped you and given you hope. Chancing’s advice about working with children’s services to manage the current situation better is very important. I am sorry that you are finding this hard; it is understandable as you have a lot to cope with at the moment.

It is good that you have now met the social worker; she has spoken with both you and your mum and there is a plan in place for her to speak to your children in school and also make contact with your family GP. This will help her to get a better sense of the children’s situation. It sounds as if she is mostly worried about the effect on the children, your 10 year old daughter in particular, of the allegations that have been made and the conflict in the home which the children have witnessed. You might find it helpful to look at our domestic violence advice materials for mothers which not only explain what children’s services might be worried about but also has links to where to get further help.

You have taken the step of asking your mother to move out and have offered to help and support her if she needs it.

Your daughter’s father is saying that he will ask the court to decide if your daughter should live with him. This must be very distressing for you and I can understand your fear that this will never end with him.

Going to court means him making an application for a child arrangements order. You would both be expected to try mediation first before going to court so as to try to come up with an acceptable arrangement.

It seems that your daughter’s father is worried because of the allegations that have been made against your partner and probably also the conflict at home. The social worker’s assessment of the situation will be important for two reasons.

i) Their conclusions about the allegations against your partner and what the children have heard/seen at home and the steps you have taken to keep your children safe. It may be that your daughter’s father will be less concerned if children’s services conclude that the children are safe and well and any problems are being addressed.
ii) If he does go to court then the social worker will most likely be asked to provide a report to the court.

So, do keep cooperating with the social worker as you have done, make sure that she updates you on the progress of the assessment and that you get a copy when it is completed (which you check for accuracy).

You might find these tips on working with a social worker helpful as well as our advice sheet on family support which explains much more about assessments.

It is a good idea to get some private law advice about child arrangement orders. Rights of Women and Child Law Advice both provide information and advice about this.

The social worker can and should speak to your partner but may not as he does not have parental responsibility for the children and is not currently living with you and your children? However, he is actively involved and so you and he can ask that he be included in the assessment and it would be good practice for the social worker to do so especially as the initial concerns related to him.

It might be that a family group conference could be helpful to your family to help you come up with your own plan of how you will keep the children safe and well. You can ask the social worker for this if you think it will help.

Family Lives might be able to offer you some practical advice/emotional support. You are welcome to post back or call the FRG Freephone advice line on 0808 8010366 between 9.30 – 3.00 weekdays.

Best wishes

Suzie


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