Having to separate with my partner

[wantmybabyback]

Hi. Me and my partner signed a section 20 4 weeks ago due to him leaving me and SS saying that I'm unstable (they never read my mental health files until now). They were all positive since I was 6 months pregnant.

Me and my partner broke up after we signed the section 20. It's been 4 weeks and I have had my lac review today. SS have agreed for me to have my child back in my care... As long me and my partner don't have a relationship. And I keep up with my mental health.

I'm obviously not going to mess this up but I feel quite hurt by the situation as I do still love him and he loves me. I have huge attachment issues with him and I really want to get help with that as I have borderline personality disorder and I get easily attached. I'm having therapy currently.

What happens if I follow all the rules, don't see him or speak to him and I finish PLO, finish the CPP conferences, get off child in need? Can I still not contact him at all when social services are out of our lives? The SS worker said today maybe we can be friends in the future but I don't know how true this is. Will social services be back at my door in years time if we got back together in the future? What is even classed as being back together?

I know all this progress is going to take a very long time and SS saw my partner as a trigger for me getting depressed and self harming but I'm in therapy and want to get better. He is also getting counselling and going on medication for his depression.

I know I have to put my child first and it may seem I'm being selfish. I'm not trying to be I just wish it could work. I was brought up with my father constantly leaving and I wished for my parents to be together and sort it out but they gave up.

We was on a child protection plan from when I was pregnant because we had arguments and the police were called out as I used to scream having panic attacks from it.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear wantmybabyback

Thank you for your post and welcome to the Board.

I am happy to hear that your child is being returned to your care and that Children’s Services are satisfied with the changes and the progress you have made. Here is our advice sheet about reuniting children in the care system with their families, it may be useful.

One question you ask is whether going back to your partner will affect your ability to care for your child in the future and from what you describe, Children’s Services seemed to have been concerned about issues surrounding domestic/physical abuse and mental ill health. Can you let me know if you have a domestic violence support worker? If you have a support worker and social workers know about her and as a result of your work in this area your life improves, perhaps in the future you may be able to have some type of relationship with your partner but as you say, for now it is not likely and could result in Children’s Services taking steps to remove your child after further assessment.

On our website there is some information for social workers about how to work with mothers and fathers around domestic violence issues. It may be useful for you to ask the social workers involved what they consider ‘getting back together’ means. For example you could ask them if it is safe for your partner to have supervised contact with your child – supervised by a family member or yourself; or whether it is safe for him to contact you once or twice a week and ask how the child is.

With regard to your mental health I am glad to hear that you are in therapy, perhaps talking to your therapist about your childhood experiences may help with your current feelings. If you would like some additional support, Mind is a mental health charity that may be able to offer some help.

If you would like to talk to us, please call us on our confidential advice line service on 0808 801 0366, the lines are open Monday to Friday, 9.30am-3.00pm.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[wantmybabyback]

Hi Suzie thanks for your reply.

I don't think it will affect my ability to care for my daughter as I understand now what went wrong. There were domestic abuse incidents while I was pregnant no physical abuse. My hormones were insane in pregnancy and post pregnancy as I also have polcystic ovary syndrome which I am going to see a gynaecologyst for. Along with borderline personality disorder it was crazy.

I don't have a domestic abuse violence support worker but I have a mental health worker and psychiatrist. I should be getting a support worker soon.

My partner can have unsupervised contact with my child but he has to pick her up from my Auntie whom was fostering my child.

He is allowed a "business like" relationship with me whatever that means. I think he is allowed to speak to me about our daughter.

I just want my family back together. I feel in pieces without them both. I will do whatever it takes. I don't want him moving in with us or anything like that but I feel we should be able to have some form of relationship not just for our sake for our daughters.