I have won but have I really and I need sone advice
Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 2:47 pm
Hi to everyone, I am new to this. First of all my situation. In 2010 I lost my 5 children. I was accused of cruelty to one child. It was all over the news and I was vilified but I want to tell you all what happened and how bad the system can be. I had recently given birth and was suffering from post puerperal psychosis up until that point I had always been a good mum. However, the psychosis became so severe I was unstable. My children got nits again and my son with long hair had a very short haircut, it was quite dramatic but he was infested. My marriage was falling apart with a husband who was an alcoholic and gambling addict. It was wrong I know but I had turned to benefit fraud to try to support my children. Due to my husbands problems. One day my husband was very drunk when my youngest was 8 months and it was only 10 am. He was waving around a sword and was going to drive. I worried for the safety of others and rang for police. They found and arrested him. He was sent for a psychological evaluation and then to his parents address. I agreed he could see the children with his parents in attendance. After a few weeks I said to his dad that I would like to go to relate and work together to improve our marriage. However, another man I thought was helping me was taking in my vulnerable position and I listened to him and believed him and thought my children would be taken from me. He knew what I had done when I was so poorly and said it would be used against me. I don't know why to this day why I did what I did. A cry out for help perhaps ? Complete insanity but I cut my sons hair really short like a blade 1 because of the nits. He made a joke about being a cancer boy after seeing a program on tv and somehow from there a rumour started spreading. I was not fully aware of things as I was struggling to cope. I was like a robot.
Then a few months later heavily under the spell of the man who was supposed to be helping me I realised I was becoming trapped. I now know the whole living with the dominator and the circle of abuse that happens but I was never informed by social services that this man was a known predator who had convictions for abuse. What was happening to my husband living with his parents now but seeing the children twice a week I had no idea about. Then on the 10th may 2010 I was arrested for benefit fraud and for cruelty to a child. The police turned up with a social worker who took my baby from me who I was breast feeding and I was asked to sign a voluntary agreement to let the children stay with their paternal grandparents until the next day. I was so shocked I did not read the small print I just thought it would all be sorted out. However, at the police station I discovered that a letter had been written accusing me of munchausens by proxy as I had cut my sons hair because of the nits, apparently told everyone he had cancer and that I was neglecting my children and had committed benefit fraud. ( I never denied that I had committed this fraud and I know it was wrong but I just did what I could do to survive. No luxury life style my husband spent it on booze and gambling, I just about managed to feed my kids and keep a roof over our heads) I was unaware of who had written the letter but as my husband was dyslexic I knew despite his signature he must have been coerced. I believe this was his father worryed his son may be found guilty of benefit fraud. However as everyone will know when you are married and claim benefits both parties have to read and sign all documents. He was fully aware of what was happening. Anyhow, I was finally released and I was told to attend the social services the following morning. I thought ok they are going to help me. I was so so wrong. I was advised my children would remain under a voluntary agreement to stay with their paternal grandparents while an investigation took place. My life started spiralling out of control I could not function without my children I devoted my whole life to them. I then had to start attending supervised contact. 4 x a week for 2 hours each time with all my children crying to come home. This went on for over 11 months with still no decision from the police on a charge. Then one weekend my older 2 children ran away due to their stepgrandfather telling them they were not his real grandchildren. My husband had always been known to them as dad but my first husband abandoned them and moved to NZ. My first husband was contacted and came to the uk. My children were then sent to NZ to live with him. I agreed a joint custody order believing it was best for my older children 13 and 15 to just be able to enjoy an opportunity. Certain measures were put in place that contact via Skype would be facilitated twice a week and 6 month visits with us each paying the air fare alternately. However, when my children landed in NZ they were not told the truth and advised that they couldn't be in touch with me. Meanwhile a further 8 months went by and I was still having supervised contact. This was soul destroying as I got reports of how I interacted, accusations made by one contact worker who appeared to be doing her best to ruin any nice times with my children with reports of the children laughing in the car about me being dead. Failing to spend individual time with each child, then I started recording my contact sessions and the clear errors were shown but then the contact worked would take my phone from me at contact so I couldn't record. It was hell. Finally after 18 months a decision was made to charge me with a number of offences. I should point out also that during this time the man who had been supposedly supporting me was beating me, controlling my finances, tracking my movements and on two occasions had been charged with assault and battery. However, he had me in that circle where he could be lovely for two days then evil for a week so I was constantly walking on edge. My legal team were pretty rubbish I trusted them and believed them when they said I would get a suspended sentence if I just took a plea bargain which was offered. I had good defences but one major thing that had contributed to my mental health breakdown was sexual abuse which happened in childhood and I just was too ashamed to bring this up in court. I didn't want it in the press. My husband was only charged civilly in other words by paying a bit back each week none of this was reported on though and I accepted the plea bargain. The way it was explained to me was that I was admitting to not giving the right care and attention to my son that a reasonable person would have done. I could accept pleading guilty to this as I knew I had been under so much stress with defined post natal illness. However what I didn't realise was that it meant I did not get the opportunity to give a defence at all. The social services paying no attention to my concerns about his behaviour drinking and not caring for the children. So my husband basically walked away completely free and with custody of the children. I went to prison. The press had a wonderful time and please all of you remember that it's tomorrow's fish and chip paper. I know now many women like me have been treated this way. Going to prison for me actually probably saved my life as I would have been hurt so bad soon enough by the other man that I would of died. He had a particular love of strangulation. I did my time but with a conviction of child cruelty as you can imagine I kept that part of the sentence to myself. I admitted benefit fraud not realising that all people who are sent to prison for sensitive crimes are told to say benefit fraud! So it was quite hard. I didn't fit in very well and rumours went round about me, I was an undercover journalist one week, a teacher who had a relationship with a student etc etc. No one knew who I was as I had never been named to protect my son and other children. I am white well educated middle class and I stood out. I went to Holloway for four months then moved to a prison called Send. It was then I started to get help. I was on a special unit which helped me deal with my mental health, my child abuse and the more I talked and explained the more support and help I got. However it wasn't easy as due to severe head injuries from the man I developed uncontrollable epilepsy. I was regularly in and out of hospital and I cannot express enough how good the officers were towards me. Once stuck in hospital for over a week one bought in her laptop with a whole 3 series of vampire diaries for me to watch. I was never made to feel embarassed or ashamed and they hid their uniforms. I was not handcuffed. While I was away the man who had been hurting me outside carried on trying to control me and eventually with the officers help he was warned off by the police prevented from harassing me anymore. I kept my head down and did some good work as a peer mentor helping with suicidal prisoners self harmers and anti bullying. I gained respect and my self esteem grew. I wrote to my children weekly and really missing them was the worst part. However my probation officer was already working on trying to get me released as I had shown in my behaviour and my actions and she was reading through evidence files and finding mistakes everywhere. Upon my release I actually cried leaving prison I felt scared I would be hurt again but within 24 hours of being home with my parents the local police had already come to reassure me. My probation officer worked tirelessly to help me, telling me over and over again that I had been unfairly treated. I could appeal but while I had been away I had built a huge wall around my feelings adjusting to the fact I would not see my children again until they were old enough to find me. When I had been home 3 months I had an email from my son now 12 telling me he loved me and wanted me, and he was sorry. This is where everything changed. My rules of licence were that I could not have any contact except through social services who were in my eyes the enemy. But yet my son who I was apparently cruel to had contacted me. So I contacted the social services and much to my relief the one social worker who had actually been reasonable had now become manager. She facilitated a way that my son could email me through her and vice Versa so not breaking any restrictions. She agreed with my 12 year old that he was old enough to make this decision and she would not be telling his dad. I was receiving emails nearly daily and alarm bekja were ringing. Clearly at my end and also from the social services as he was discussing things openly and the children were not being cared for properly. He was also giving more and more ammunition for my probation officer who was copied in on all the emails. It came to the point where it was obvious an injustice had been done. My now ex husband had been caught drunk driving with the children in the car, he was neglecting them. My son was having to do housework both my daughters were so heavily invested with nits that the primary school were tearing my youngest daughter and my daughter attending secondary school had been in tears trying to get help. Things became very complicated. In November 15 I collapsed and it was thought to be just a normal serious seizure but I was found to have chronic myelogenous leukaemia possibly the reason why my seizures had been getting worse and worse. I was in an acute phase and needed chemo etc to try to get this under control. Meanwhile social services had done a complete turn around and had placed my children under a supervision order making weekly visits and asking me to help them make decisions. NEVER apologising just saying well could you look after the children, we will get you help to care for them etc etc... please bear in mind that at this point my children had not seen me for 4 years yet all of a sudden I was now a good mum again forget about the fact she went to prison forget about the past we will now focus on moving the children away from their dad and their friends and their schools. At this point I was in a mental crisis most people would think that I should be overjoyed but I was so overwhelmed my wall came down and I was an emotional wreck. Also my licence conditions were still stating I was not allowed to see my children until August 19 2016. Well that caused a lot of problems because the social services wanted me to see my children NOW! So an arrangement was made and I got to see them in may 2016 but to comply with the licence it had to be supervised as also my ex husband was being assessed! To my horror the contact supervisor was the woman who had previously caused so much upset. My parents came as well and she made my mum cry with her behaviour. My father was exhausted with the long drive of 3.4 hours and my ex husband and I just hugged in relief. I think the contact supervisor was very disappointed. Following this we had another visit in June but the appointed social worker was their and after 15 mins she left and said you all need to work together I'm not needed here. In July we had a further visit again completely unsupervised. Once my licence ended on August 18tg I visited the children alone. Staying in a bed and breakfast but meeting up for 3 days. Then again at October half term and in early December and over Christmas holidays they all came to stay for a few days. My relationship with my children is growing by the day again and I am grateful to have them back in my life. I realise my complicated health would make it difficult for me to care for them full time. However, my ex husband seems to not be coping very well, my youngest daughter had so many nits at Christmas holidays she was infested. I have never seen so many. She is 7 and told me dad is asleep so I make a sandwich myself for breakfast. She walks to school alone. He is still in a bad pattern of parenting not drinking now but still clearly not managing. I think he has suffered just as much as me but in a different way and I want to have an amicable arrangement in place. I'm actually writing this in hospital as I developed pneumonia. Plenty of time to kill ! However, since Christmas he has not replied to any emails and I have explained that I cannot afford to keep staying in hotels and the train fare etc. He does have a spare room and I'm not going to look for how many cobwebs but to see my children ! Also he came and stayed here at Christmas with no issues. We agreed we would do alternate visits with me travelling to see the children then at half terms and holidays a half way swap for the children to stay with me for some longer time. I have also pointed out that if I'm paying for a hotel I can't give him the money to help support the kids needs. As he has completely withdrawn any communication I am getting concerned. The agreement with social services was that we were now to have joint custody but they are still overseeing things. I let him know I had contracted pneumonia and did not even get a reply to the text. As I can't drive either due to epilepsy I have to get on with him for help so I can spend time with kids. I've given you almost my life history here but now I'm not sure what I should do. Some of this is positive and some negative but I am blessed to have my children back as part of my life. I'm not sure if he is just being a non communicative man or he is feeling anger at me, the situation, still has feelings for me I just simply don't know. My main priority is my children not him but if he won't help or communicate I'm not sure how to move forwards . I would be grateful for any comments advice or guidance and I hope my experiences may give some of you who are struggling with the social services some hope that sometimes you do win even if with a sacrifice. Peace and love E
Then a few months later heavily under the spell of the man who was supposed to be helping me I realised I was becoming trapped. I now know the whole living with the dominator and the circle of abuse that happens but I was never informed by social services that this man was a known predator who had convictions for abuse. What was happening to my husband living with his parents now but seeing the children twice a week I had no idea about. Then on the 10th may 2010 I was arrested for benefit fraud and for cruelty to a child. The police turned up with a social worker who took my baby from me who I was breast feeding and I was asked to sign a voluntary agreement to let the children stay with their paternal grandparents until the next day. I was so shocked I did not read the small print I just thought it would all be sorted out. However, at the police station I discovered that a letter had been written accusing me of munchausens by proxy as I had cut my sons hair because of the nits, apparently told everyone he had cancer and that I was neglecting my children and had committed benefit fraud. ( I never denied that I had committed this fraud and I know it was wrong but I just did what I could do to survive. No luxury life style my husband spent it on booze and gambling, I just about managed to feed my kids and keep a roof over our heads) I was unaware of who had written the letter but as my husband was dyslexic I knew despite his signature he must have been coerced. I believe this was his father worryed his son may be found guilty of benefit fraud. However as everyone will know when you are married and claim benefits both parties have to read and sign all documents. He was fully aware of what was happening. Anyhow, I was finally released and I was told to attend the social services the following morning. I thought ok they are going to help me. I was so so wrong. I was advised my children would remain under a voluntary agreement to stay with their paternal grandparents while an investigation took place. My life started spiralling out of control I could not function without my children I devoted my whole life to them. I then had to start attending supervised contact. 4 x a week for 2 hours each time with all my children crying to come home. This went on for over 11 months with still no decision from the police on a charge. Then one weekend my older 2 children ran away due to their stepgrandfather telling them they were not his real grandchildren. My husband had always been known to them as dad but my first husband abandoned them and moved to NZ. My first husband was contacted and came to the uk. My children were then sent to NZ to live with him. I agreed a joint custody order believing it was best for my older children 13 and 15 to just be able to enjoy an opportunity. Certain measures were put in place that contact via Skype would be facilitated twice a week and 6 month visits with us each paying the air fare alternately. However, when my children landed in NZ they were not told the truth and advised that they couldn't be in touch with me. Meanwhile a further 8 months went by and I was still having supervised contact. This was soul destroying as I got reports of how I interacted, accusations made by one contact worker who appeared to be doing her best to ruin any nice times with my children with reports of the children laughing in the car about me being dead. Failing to spend individual time with each child, then I started recording my contact sessions and the clear errors were shown but then the contact worked would take my phone from me at contact so I couldn't record. It was hell. Finally after 18 months a decision was made to charge me with a number of offences. I should point out also that during this time the man who had been supposedly supporting me was beating me, controlling my finances, tracking my movements and on two occasions had been charged with assault and battery. However, he had me in that circle where he could be lovely for two days then evil for a week so I was constantly walking on edge. My legal team were pretty rubbish I trusted them and believed them when they said I would get a suspended sentence if I just took a plea bargain which was offered. I had good defences but one major thing that had contributed to my mental health breakdown was sexual abuse which happened in childhood and I just was too ashamed to bring this up in court. I didn't want it in the press. My husband was only charged civilly in other words by paying a bit back each week none of this was reported on though and I accepted the plea bargain. The way it was explained to me was that I was admitting to not giving the right care and attention to my son that a reasonable person would have done. I could accept pleading guilty to this as I knew I had been under so much stress with defined post natal illness. However what I didn't realise was that it meant I did not get the opportunity to give a defence at all. The social services paying no attention to my concerns about his behaviour drinking and not caring for the children. So my husband basically walked away completely free and with custody of the children. I went to prison. The press had a wonderful time and please all of you remember that it's tomorrow's fish and chip paper. I know now many women like me have been treated this way. Going to prison for me actually probably saved my life as I would have been hurt so bad soon enough by the other man that I would of died. He had a particular love of strangulation. I did my time but with a conviction of child cruelty as you can imagine I kept that part of the sentence to myself. I admitted benefit fraud not realising that all people who are sent to prison for sensitive crimes are told to say benefit fraud! So it was quite hard. I didn't fit in very well and rumours went round about me, I was an undercover journalist one week, a teacher who had a relationship with a student etc etc. No one knew who I was as I had never been named to protect my son and other children. I am white well educated middle class and I stood out. I went to Holloway for four months then moved to a prison called Send. It was then I started to get help. I was on a special unit which helped me deal with my mental health, my child abuse and the more I talked and explained the more support and help I got. However it wasn't easy as due to severe head injuries from the man I developed uncontrollable epilepsy. I was regularly in and out of hospital and I cannot express enough how good the officers were towards me. Once stuck in hospital for over a week one bought in her laptop with a whole 3 series of vampire diaries for me to watch. I was never made to feel embarassed or ashamed and they hid their uniforms. I was not handcuffed. While I was away the man who had been hurting me outside carried on trying to control me and eventually with the officers help he was warned off by the police prevented from harassing me anymore. I kept my head down and did some good work as a peer mentor helping with suicidal prisoners self harmers and anti bullying. I gained respect and my self esteem grew. I wrote to my children weekly and really missing them was the worst part. However my probation officer was already working on trying to get me released as I had shown in my behaviour and my actions and she was reading through evidence files and finding mistakes everywhere. Upon my release I actually cried leaving prison I felt scared I would be hurt again but within 24 hours of being home with my parents the local police had already come to reassure me. My probation officer worked tirelessly to help me, telling me over and over again that I had been unfairly treated. I could appeal but while I had been away I had built a huge wall around my feelings adjusting to the fact I would not see my children again until they were old enough to find me. When I had been home 3 months I had an email from my son now 12 telling me he loved me and wanted me, and he was sorry. This is where everything changed. My rules of licence were that I could not have any contact except through social services who were in my eyes the enemy. But yet my son who I was apparently cruel to had contacted me. So I contacted the social services and much to my relief the one social worker who had actually been reasonable had now become manager. She facilitated a way that my son could email me through her and vice Versa so not breaking any restrictions. She agreed with my 12 year old that he was old enough to make this decision and she would not be telling his dad. I was receiving emails nearly daily and alarm bekja were ringing. Clearly at my end and also from the social services as he was discussing things openly and the children were not being cared for properly. He was also giving more and more ammunition for my probation officer who was copied in on all the emails. It came to the point where it was obvious an injustice had been done. My now ex husband had been caught drunk driving with the children in the car, he was neglecting them. My son was having to do housework both my daughters were so heavily invested with nits that the primary school were tearing my youngest daughter and my daughter attending secondary school had been in tears trying to get help. Things became very complicated. In November 15 I collapsed and it was thought to be just a normal serious seizure but I was found to have chronic myelogenous leukaemia possibly the reason why my seizures had been getting worse and worse. I was in an acute phase and needed chemo etc to try to get this under control. Meanwhile social services had done a complete turn around and had placed my children under a supervision order making weekly visits and asking me to help them make decisions. NEVER apologising just saying well could you look after the children, we will get you help to care for them etc etc... please bear in mind that at this point my children had not seen me for 4 years yet all of a sudden I was now a good mum again forget about the fact she went to prison forget about the past we will now focus on moving the children away from their dad and their friends and their schools. At this point I was in a mental crisis most people would think that I should be overjoyed but I was so overwhelmed my wall came down and I was an emotional wreck. Also my licence conditions were still stating I was not allowed to see my children until August 19 2016. Well that caused a lot of problems because the social services wanted me to see my children NOW! So an arrangement was made and I got to see them in may 2016 but to comply with the licence it had to be supervised as also my ex husband was being assessed! To my horror the contact supervisor was the woman who had previously caused so much upset. My parents came as well and she made my mum cry with her behaviour. My father was exhausted with the long drive of 3.4 hours and my ex husband and I just hugged in relief. I think the contact supervisor was very disappointed. Following this we had another visit in June but the appointed social worker was their and after 15 mins she left and said you all need to work together I'm not needed here. In July we had a further visit again completely unsupervised. Once my licence ended on August 18tg I visited the children alone. Staying in a bed and breakfast but meeting up for 3 days. Then again at October half term and in early December and over Christmas holidays they all came to stay for a few days. My relationship with my children is growing by the day again and I am grateful to have them back in my life. I realise my complicated health would make it difficult for me to care for them full time. However, my ex husband seems to not be coping very well, my youngest daughter had so many nits at Christmas holidays she was infested. I have never seen so many. She is 7 and told me dad is asleep so I make a sandwich myself for breakfast. She walks to school alone. He is still in a bad pattern of parenting not drinking now but still clearly not managing. I think he has suffered just as much as me but in a different way and I want to have an amicable arrangement in place. I'm actually writing this in hospital as I developed pneumonia. Plenty of time to kill ! However, since Christmas he has not replied to any emails and I have explained that I cannot afford to keep staying in hotels and the train fare etc. He does have a spare room and I'm not going to look for how many cobwebs but to see my children ! Also he came and stayed here at Christmas with no issues. We agreed we would do alternate visits with me travelling to see the children then at half terms and holidays a half way swap for the children to stay with me for some longer time. I have also pointed out that if I'm paying for a hotel I can't give him the money to help support the kids needs. As he has completely withdrawn any communication I am getting concerned. The agreement with social services was that we were now to have joint custody but they are still overseeing things. I let him know I had contracted pneumonia and did not even get a reply to the text. As I can't drive either due to epilepsy I have to get on with him for help so I can spend time with kids. I've given you almost my life history here but now I'm not sure what I should do. Some of this is positive and some negative but I am blessed to have my children back as part of my life. I'm not sure if he is just being a non communicative man or he is feeling anger at me, the situation, still has feelings for me I just simply don't know. My main priority is my children not him but if he won't help or communicate I'm not sure how to move forwards . I would be grateful for any comments advice or guidance and I hope my experiences may give some of you who are struggling with the social services some hope that sometimes you do win even if with a sacrifice. Peace and love E