manipulation and alienation of a vulnerable child

[fatherandson2000]

I’m a very concerned dad seeking assistance, so that I can help my child from serious emotional and psychological harm. My son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder in 2010.
My son has lived with me since 2009 (when he was 4 y/o), and had regular contact with his mum, under the terms of a defined contact order, seeing her every fortnight. In all the years since then, my ex-partner has not been able to deal with and get over the fact that I had become recognised as the primary care-giver. Subsequently, our son’s mother has not offered me any kind of support towards the raising of our child. She has been residing very close to me for many years now, and recently changes to contact were agreed between us. Our child is now 11 years of age and transitioned into senior school, so I have tried to do what I thought would be in his best interests and looked to increase contact but in a carefully managed way. In the meantime, mother failed to return our child to my care one weekend and proceeded to keep him off school. I was told he was not going to return home with me. I was also told by my ex-wife, that our child had held a knife to his throat, wanting to know when the contact changes would be sorted out. Naturally, I became very upset about this. Consequently, his mother did not allow contact with our son for 1 week, until the changes she demanded had been fully agreed – which was effectively equal time with both parents.
The new arrangement provides for an almost equal time with both of his parents. What has happened in the time since those contact changes, though, has pretty much turned my world upside-down. I am absolutely convinced that his mother is using the increased time with our son as an opportunity to escalate the disruption and distortion to negatively impact the quality of my relationship with the child – and it is working. Our child’s behaviour, attitude and general outlook on life has become less and less positive over time, but I had been giving mother the benefit of my doubt; was she actually using the vulnerabilities of autistic children to her advantage?
With the new contact changes underway, and after several weeks of this additional time with his mum, our son has apparently made disclosures of domestic and emotional harm at school. I have been told by his mother that he will not return to my care. I firmly believe that our son has, for some time, been used as a device to gradually eliminate my role in his life, and is being used to aid her in achieving her own ends.
I knew that I needed to seek help for our child and arranged meetings with his school teachers and our family GP, but I did not get very far in finding any answers. In light of recent events, I have been researching about the possible reasons that children turn against a parent with whom they have previously enjoyed a happy, healthy and secure relationship. I came across Parental Alienation and was shocked to read that it is a well-recognised phenomenon and about how common it actually is. The stories I read about sounded so familiar to me and things started to make much more sense to me. Having researched a bit further, however, I think that the overall picture on Parental Alienation in the UK is not so well recognised or established in UK law.
I am almost at my wits end and desperately require some assistance, guidance and support, so that I may have a chance of preventing a total elimination of my role in our child’s life. I have been a full time father, always there for him, along every step of the way, since our child was born. I am extremely worried about how he must be feeling right now – not only with all of the change he has had to cope with recently – but also about the serious psychological damage he will no doubt suffer in the long term. I would greatly welcome any information, from anyone, about how to cope right now, how to bring this matter to justice, and save my vulnerable child from further harm.

Edited by Suzie to ensure rules about confidentiality are complied with.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear fatherandson2000,

Welcome to the parents forum.

I can why you are so concerned. Not long ago you were your son’s main carer and mum was having contact every other weekend by a defined contact order.
Now, your son has made allegations of emotional and domestic abuse against you and mum has not returned your son back home to you after contact. You don’t appear to have any role whatsoever in your son’s life. This cannot be in his best interests and may even be harmful.
There is a presumption in law that children thrive when both parents are involved in their upbringing.

Are children services and the police carrying out an investigation? If so, they may ask that the parents agree that the child not live with the alleged abuser until the investigation is completed. So for a time limited length of time.
This is to protect a child from possible further abuse until children’s services have a better idea about what might have been happening.
The police may restrict contact between an alleged abuser and a child may so that the child’s evidence against a parent is preserved.
If this is the case, do you know when the investigation will be completed? Have a look at our advice sheet about child protection procedures.


What other types of contact can be considered in the meantime? What about telephone contact and exchange of letters and presents? What about contact being supervised in a conact centre until the assessment has been completed?

However, your post suggests that it is mum herself who is imposing these restrictions.
I am assuming that you have parental responsibility for your son. Do you also have a residence order (similar to the new child arrangements order?)
Without a court order or your agreement, mum cannot impose these conditions on you. You and mum both have the legal rights and responsibilities in respect of your son.
Have you considered going back to the family court for a child arrangements order or to enforce any older order you might have? The law says that any delay in making plans for children is contrary to their welfare. So seek advice about this sooner rather than later.
Private law is not within our remit but you could seek advice from the Coram children legal centre, or Families Need Fathers .

These organisations may also be able to advise you about the issue of parental alienation.

Best wishes,

Suzie