what should you tell your children?

[worriedmum81]

My children have been in care for 4 years now, originally i was promised it was a temporary measure, but it became long term foster for my older 4 and adoption for the youngest 2. My eldest (15 year old) has been allowed unlimited, unsupervised access with me for about 2 years, and with my immediate family for about 6 months.
I was always told i wasnt allowed to tell the younger children about these contacts with their brother in case it upset them, he sees them once a month in a supervised contact centre with me and has always been good at not saying anything about it to them either. But now he comes to the centre and leaves with me and the younger children know he is living close to home again they ask if they can also start seeing me outside of contact as well as seeing their big brother more often. Social services and foster carers have always insisted the children are happy with the level of contact, which was reduced from the judges ruling of twice a month, but it has come up in lac reviews that they regularly 'ask if they can see mum, visit her home and want to phone her', which is how it was reported. I still have the hope of starting to have the same type of contact with the younger children as i do with my eldest and the social workers have always said i am not and never have been classed as a danger to my children and the only reason i dont get contact in the community is once, one of the foster carers thought the children were too loud and giddy and i hadnt told them off in the contact centre (it was xmas contact and they were excitedly opening their presents).
Social workers are now wanting me to tell all the children (aged 13, 11 and 8) that even though i get the contact i do with my 15 year old, they are different and it will not happen, although i am allowed to go to their school shows if i am told about them.
I dont know how i can break their hearts any more than they have been already, and i dont see why i should have to if they are vocalising that it is their wishes.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear worriedmum81

We thank you for your post.

I am sorry that you are feeling so distressed about the contact arrangements for your children who are in long term foster care and, in particular, the social worker asking that you inform your children why they cannot have more contact. The social worker is really the person who should be talking to the children in the first instance about why the decision has been taken regarding their contact. You can be ask to help the children understand and support them but it is not for you to tell them they cannot have contact.

From your post, you say the children have said that they want more contact, is there any particular reason why the social worker is not taking into account their wishes and feeling regarding contact? It is not clear why you cannot have contact supervised in the community if you are not considered to be a danger to your children. It appears to me that one incident of the children being loud should not be the only reason that you cannot have contact in the community. I do not have all the information about your children’s situation and can advise only on what you have stated in your post. Have you spoken to the Independent Reviewing Officer (IRO) who is responsible for overseeing the children's care plans.? If you have concerns about contact speak to the IRO or better still put it in writing. You can ask the social worker for details of the IRO.

I am including for your further information a copy of our advice sheet about the duties children services have when a child is in the care system. It also includes details about what contact. Contact should not be reduced without a review meeting taking place. If your children feel that they are not being listened to you could ask the social worker for them to have an advocate. You may wish to consider contacting Coram Voice on 0808 800 5792 or NYAS on 0808 808 1007 for more information about the children having their voices heard.

A copy of our advice sheet relating to contact to children in care is here . It is possible to make an application to the court if you believe you are not getting the right amount of contact and there is no good reason to keep your contact at a low level.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday (excluding Bank Holidays).

Hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

[worriedmum81]

Thank you for replying. The decision to reduce the contact was made by the social worker last year as the foster carers felt that seeing me twice per month would stop the children doing the after school activities they enjoy doing. I have always been the one who has to sit down and explain to the children about every difficulty they have to face, from explaining to them about their care now being long term, to their baby brothers being adopted and the reduction in our contacts. I think this is because the social worker is confident that because i always put the childrens feelings first and i know them so well, they know i will do everything in my power to make it easier for them, and i feel the older children have a mistrust of the social workers to a certain extent as they feel they have been lied to a lot by them.
Im not certain myself why i am no longer allowed contact in the community, i have tried to dig into the reasons, as for a while i was sometimes allowed to take them to the park or McDonald's on special occasions like birthdays, but it suddenly stopped and nobody seems to have an explaination for why, except the flimsy one about the noisy contact from that christmas, although having spoken to the contact centre, they say they have no issues with my contacts and they dont know why they were changed either
I am going to speak to the contact centre and ask them for a report to give to the independent review officer at the next lac review to support my case. I am also going to see if i can get a copy of my report from the independent social workers that was done 3 years ago as it was a glowing report, recommending the childrens rehabilitation to me, and that was before i made the big improvements in my life.
As much as i want the children home, that is not what i am aiming for, unless it is what the children want, i want them to have the routine and security, as well as the oppurtunitys they currently have but also to help them have their mum in their lives the way they are often ask for.
Thanks again for your help. X

[proudmum]

Your older children are not stupid and can see social workers in their true light. I have personally experienced a social working telling my daughter that her father only wants to see her for 1 hour a month and at the same time telling my husband that my daughter only wants to see him for 1 hour per month, when the truth was they both wanted to see more of each other. At a lac meeting the social worker blatantly lied and accused my husband and daughter of lying. IF your children wish to see you more then they should be listened to and their wishes are paramount and should be taken into account. The reason the social worker doesn't want this to happen is probably because it will cost MONEY!!!! This will be denied but it is the truth! Money is tight and cuts need to be made where ever possible! Your children should be able to see their siblings too....Please please speak to the IRO and please ask your children to speak honestly to the IRO! If your children give their wishes to the IRO and the IRO does their job, their wishes WILL be met! Good luck hun, you must be going through HELL!!!!!

[proudmum]

Oh and in answer to your question.....You should always tell your children the truth! Be tactful and use age appropriate language, let them know you love them and miss them and if you had a choice you would be with them all the time. As long as they know you want them as much as they want you, they will have a smile in their heart. If you lie to them, that will scar them forever....and they will NOT trust you!

[worriedmum81]

Thank you hon. I try to be as honest with the children as i can. The social services said i wasnt allowed to tell them certain things, like the times i went back to court to appeal the adoptions, that i couldnt tell them i was homeless because of the situation (the social worker told me to move into a womens refuge then used it against me in court) and i was told i am not allowed to tell them they can ask for extra contact and if the children raise the subject i have to tell them they have to speak with the social worker and not advise them at all.
My 15 year old is becoming much more aware and he said if the younger children mention extra contacts to him he will tell them how he managed to get it with me so they know it is possible.
The social workers are pushing for special guardianships but i didnt know about it until after the foster carers have said its not appropriate at the minute. When the social worker spoke to me about it later she said it would be good for us all if we have them cos i could see them whenever the foster carers allowed but i feel it is too close to adoption and as my younger daughter is already missing a lot of her contacts by ' being away' particularly on her birthday and xmas contacts i suspect i would see her even less as the carers admit they feel she is theirs.
The social workers very recently admitted to me they havent been able to write a later life letter for the children yet, even though they have had 4 years to write one, as practically every accusation and reason that was made in court was proven wrong. The only thing they hold against me was that on one occasion the house wasnt up to scratch but there were 'extreme circumstances' for that and i had a 2 week relationship with someone, we split as soon as i knew his history and had proof from the police that i was keeping my children safe from him.
Id love to know now what the social workers will be saying to my children eventually to explain the situation as the lawyer who represented me feels my children would have a good case if they wanted to sue social services for removing them in the first place.
I will definitely be contacting the reviewing officer, as i have now been given her email address and will ask her to speak to the children. She hasnt had the chance to see them since before xmas and as the social worker and foster carers said they are happy with the circumstances didnt feel she needed to but i think she needs to get to the bottom of it. X

[proudmum]

I think the iro, needs to speak to your children independently and not take what sw and fc take as read! They may well be saying what they feel but not the true feelings of your children. There is certainly more to this than meets the eye! If your children are genuinely not happy with arrangements as they currently are, their voice needs to be heard and not dismissed! My fondest good wishes are with you as you fight for the right to be with your children. Good luck Babe!

[worriedmum81]

I know this is off subject a little but its my eldest sons 16th in 2 months time so i emailed the social worker to ask if we could have a family meal with the younger children and my closest family at a restaurant. She emailed me back saying she would have to speak to the carers but that it was a lovely idea and she couldnt see why not. 10 minutes later she emailed me back saying it would have to be supervised and she would speak to the contact workers from the centre we go to.
I messaged her back saying i was hoping to do it on a friday evening close to his birthday, but she didnt reply.
I dont understand why she suddenly changed her mind on this and think a family meal which should be a celebration would be spoilt, because how can we relax when we have someone there watching and supervising us all?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear worriedmum81

Thank you for posting again, your post is absolutely fine since in relates to contact with your children who are in care.

Regarding your concern that the social worker has changed her mind, I am not sure that is correct, she has not said you cannot have the meal only that it would have to be supervised. I understand why you want it to be just the family, but think about the message it will send to the younger children if they have unsupervised contact on this occasion, it might let them believe that all is well and the family can be together.

The social worker is likely to have to discuss this with her manager and the foster carers so I am sure she will be back in touch with you soon. I understand that this is very important to you but sometimes urgent cases can come in which a social worker has to deal with as a priority.

I hope that if there is a supervisor that he or she will be there with a light touch so that the family can interact well and enjoy the time together. Unfortunately, your contact is supervised so it is unlikely that your celebratory dinner is going to be unsupervised at this time.

Hope this helps

Best wishes

Suzie

[worriedmum81]

Ive been reading through some of my reports and have noticed that the way the last meeting for my youngest daughter was recorded isnt accurate. The foster carers said that she had been mithering to see me and her siblings more often, but in the official report even though it is hinted at ( it says ..she has been quite defiant and has spoke of her brother visiting her mothers for tea), it states that she is happy with her current contact arrangements and doesnt want them changed.
It just feels like there must be reasons that social workers want to keep our contact so low.
On the plus side it mentions that there is no restriction on me attending plays/concerts etc unsupervised.

Ive also got proof in the reports that recommendations were made in january for my older daughter to get extra, unsupervised access and phone contacts. This is something that social workers havent acted on yet and last time i chatted with the social worker they said they hadnt heard of that recommendation. But with this report i have proof that they have had 9 months to start acting on it so im sure it must be reasonable to expect them to act on it soon. Any advice?