will i get my baby back?

[honeybee1984]

Hi,

I am new to this site, please be gentle with me.

My baby is 6 weeks old and she is just such a beautiful content little girl, she is my world, she wasn't planned but I have no regrets having her.
At 3 weeks old she was removed from my care under police protection for 72 hours, then placed in foster care after this, under a section 20 but they still want to initiate care proceedings . Police arrived minutes after baby's dad got in, they said she had been looked after by me well and it was just a precaution, my heart sank, I was heartbroken.
Unfortunately for me I have had a lot of involvement with social care spanning since 2005 ( baby's dad has been known to them since 2003 when he took on his son due to birth mother being unable to care for their son)
Social care have always up until now seen me for some reason as the green eyed monster and baby's dad as the blue eyed boy.
I was blamed by social care the police and baby's dad for hurting my step son and daughter, which I didn't physically hurt them, I didn't get them out from an abusive relationship and abusive father, I failed them in the worst way possible, I couldn't see this at the time but now older I know I should've called the police or done something.
I stupidly got pregnant 3 years later by the same man but split from him shortly after I got pregnant, the social care team put me in a mother and baby foster placement, as I had split from him but this failed due to them 'suspecting' I was in contact with the dad - which I wasn't, he and his new partner were being spiteful and he wanted custody of my daughter with his new partner but of course they didn't believe Miss green eyed monster but believed Mr blue eyed boy and his new partner.
Anyway they also had a child together, with little social care involvement, meanwhile I had to be highly supervised, which didn't seem fair or right. During this time it was proved that baby's dad was the one who hurt my eldest daughter and step son and he also went onto hurt their baby for which he received a custodial sentence and he's banned from working with children indefinitely ( this bit I have only just found out)
My social worker has said it's no guarantee I will get my baby back in 6 months time but I will stand a higher chance at getting her back if I get rid of him and she has said she will support me with early intervention project and other stuff if I want it, she told me to call the police to have baby's dad removed from my flat ( sole tenancy, his name isn't on the tenancy) if he kicks off or refuses to leave.
A week later she said your baby isn't in your care because of him and the way she said it sounded like she was saying if he left that night I could've had her back already, slightly different to what she had said a week earlier. By the way I have told him he has until said date to find somewhere or he is out regardless.
She has said I lost my other children because of him, she basically put all the blame on him but I said that I am not completely blameless as I failed to remove them from him.
Social worker has said I have been open and honest with her, which will go in my favour.
Her whole body language changed when he came in the flat, before she was laughing and joking with me.
Social workers comment as she left my flat was 'She's been well looked after by you'
Foster carer has constantly commented on how good her routine is, I had her in such a good routine in my care and she doesn't see the point in changing it and also let me have another surprise visit with my baby at the LAC meeting, which was nice and I thanked her for it too.
When I asked my solicitor how would I prove he has left, we are no longer in a relationship, she told me he would have to find somewhere else to live and then social care would have to see he is living there, then they would probably put me in a residential unit. I asked what a residential unit was a few days later and she told me that I would be monitored by cctv but she said from what she had read so far it isn't my care of my baby they are worried about I.E. whether I can provide her with warmth, shelter, food, water and keep my flat tidy and just general parenting like playing with her etc, so a residential unit wouldn't be appropriate for me as these are there for proving mothers can provide care etc for their babies/ children.
A week later because he hadn't got somewhere straight away ( even though he is looking) My solicitor told me to call the police on him, she told me social cares concerns are whether I can protect my baby from her dad. Funny how 10 years ago I was the one physically abusing the kids and they needed to be protected from me.
Social care still want to do a parenting assessment with me and a psychological/ psychiatric assessment with me too, which I know will be negative like they were before and they will use this against me, even though baby's dad will be out of my life, I am stopping all contact with him for my baby's sake.
Social worker has done baby's core assessment and needs to do an assessment with me too.
I am in touch with a domestic violence worker, she is going to get me on the freedom or butterfly programme, I also spoke to someone about parenting courses, which I have finally found one that can do a one to one course for me without my baby. I also self referred myself for some psychological therapy and I have an initial telephone session in a couple of weeks time and I have booked onto an assertiveness course too.
My solicitor has asked why my previous solicitors didn't fight for me, I think she wants to instruct our own psychological/ psychiatric assessment and she also asked whether I did any courses on child neglect , which is a no. She asked what recommendations had been made on previous assessments, I told her there wasn't, people just washed their hands on me.
Solicitor said they may well in the end make a supervision order but I am not counting my chickens, although previous solicitors have never said this could be a possibility before.
Contacts are all going well, baby certainly knows her mummy.
I just don't trust social care as far as I can throw them, I feel they aren't going to help me and support me and it'll just be another child of mine ripped from me, I might as well just end my life.
Please help.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear honeybee1984,

Welcome to the Parents Forum. I am so sorry to hear that your baby was removed from you and that children services will be taking care proceedings.

As your solicitor and the social worker have said, they seem very concerned about two things.
1)Baby’s dad.
2) Whether you can protect your baby from dad.

1) Baby s dad
Not only has he been domestically abusive to you over the years, he also has a history of physically abusing his children. He is so dangerous to children that he has been banned from working with them.

As you will know, domestic abuse can be very dangerous to children. Here are some FAQ’s about domestic abuse.

I am glad that you have a domestic violence worker. You should discuss your options with her about housing and how you could be protected.
She should be able to talk through your options. It is very likely that you may need a safety plan in place to help you leave dad.
You should discuss what steps you need to take to remove dad from your home and prevent him coming back in. Do you need to go to a refuge or a confidential address?


2) Can you protect your baby from dad or other abusive men in the future?

The other worry of children services will be whether you can protect your baby from dad’s abuse and domestic violence.

You have described all the things that you are doing that will help your case. They will all go in your favour and help your case.
• By pursuing the freedom programme, you will learn how to recognise when someone is abusing you or is likely to abuse you.
• You are going to accept the support from your social worker and from the domestic violence worker.
• You have self referred for psychotherapy.
• You are doing assertiveness training.
• You will be doing a parenting course
• Your solicitor is looking to instruct a psychiatrist or psychologist to carry out an assessment of you.

Now it is extremely important that you work with your solicitor. Stay in touch with her and let her know everything that happens. If you have any questions about your case or any worries, contact her.

Cooperate with your social worker. Go to all the meetings that you need to go to. Do not miss contact with your baby girl. Access all the support that is offered you to help keep yourself safe from dad. If there are any changes let children services know.

Care proceedings

Here is our advice sheet about care proceedings .

As you will know, at the end of the proceedings the court will want to know where your baby will live long term-until she is 18.
Care proceedings should only last 26 weeks-which is very little time to get everything done. So do not delay in getting any support.

You will have a parenting assessment to see whether you can safely parent baby. You say your care of baby is seen to be good. Can you protect her from domestic abuse?
If your assessment is not successful, is there any suitable friends or family on either your side or dad’s side who could care for baby?

If so, ask them to give their details to the social worker. She will want to assess them to see whether they could care for your baby.

You could ask for a family group conference to look for support within your family.

As a last resort, if there is no suitable carers in your network, children services will consider adoption.

If your assessment is successful-your solicitor is saying your baby may come home to you on a supervision order. This would mean that the court accepts that your baby is at risk of suffering significant harm but that it is safe for you to parent baby with the support of children services.
Here is information about Supervision orders .

Other parents have been in a similar situation to you and they might offer support.


I have given you a lot of information so please post back if you have any questions.


Best wishes,

Suzie


.

[honeybee1984]

Hello Suzie,

Thank you for your reply.
Dad had now gone from the premises, I told him he had to go and he knew it too, it is my property, my name on the deeds etc.
The problem I have is cafcass seem to think I have only got rid of him because I was forced to do so, this isn't true, I am trying to protect my daughter from him, I know I should've done this sooner but I was in denial, I was on cloud 9 when I found out I was pregnant but fearful too and even when she was born everything just fitted into place.
Social care want to do a psychological assessment and a capacity to change assessment and I know these are going to come back negative, especially as it would appear I haven't changed all these years on in their eyes.
My solicitor has said I need to be honest when they ask why I didn't tell the professionals the truth at the start of my pregnancy ( I changed my identity and obtained new numbers etc) why I didn't get rid of dad whilst pregnant or even shortly after baby's birth.
My solicitor has said the end result maybe a supervision order but I am not convinced.
I just feel the goalposts are being moved all the time, social worker said I am not guaranteed to get baby back in 6 months but I stand a higher chance if I get rid of dad and even kept on saying baby isn't in my care because of him...........now I have got rid of him and it's my capacity to change that they need to see and my psychological assessment and aren't even going to put me with my baby girl in a mother and baby placement, which I feel will help as it'll be proof that I am not in contact with dad, even my solicitor has said this.
I am starting a parenting course tomorrow, I have my social worker referring me to the butterfly project through epi and I will be getting a phone call in January for the freedom project. Social worker was very pleased that I have progressed with these courses.
I think my solicitor is going to instruct our independent psychologist and do other course with me too.
Contacts are always good, she does know her mummy and there have been no concerns from the supervisor at all.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Honeybee1984,

You have taken a big step forward in showing that you are putting your baby’s needs before dads by making dad leave your home. Do not give up.

What is your plan if dad should turn up at your home? Do you have a safety plan? You could contact
women’s aid to make sure that you are getting all the help and support you need.


As I mentioned in my last post, an advocate could make sure that you are accessing all the programmes, therapy and support to protect you that you might need and that are available in your local area.



It is understandable that Children services will want to be sure that your separation from dad has happened permanently and for the long term. This is why they want to carry out further assessments including a capacity to change assessment.

You say that you will fail the assessments. However, the assessments would not happen if there was not some evidence of how you have already changed. So please go ahead with them. Be as positive as possible and let them know about all the things you have done and continue to do to help yourself.

You have done so many other things towards planning to keep your child with you. You need to do what you can to attend all the assessments and cooperate fully with them. The assessment should advise whether you need any support to help you change.

If you did not go to the assessment-this would remain on your record as you not cooperating.

Children services know your day to day care of your baby has been good. This is probably why they think that a mother and baby unit would not be helpful at this stage.

Keep working with your solicitor and keep the social worker informed about your progress.

Please post back here as well.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[honeybee1984]

Hello suzie,

Thanks for replying,

It just feels like the goal posts are being removed but I can understand they would want to see the split from baby's dad is permanent.
My solicitor has told me to be totally honest as to why I lied to professionals about this not being my first pregnancy and why I didn't leave him either whilst pregnant or shortly after the birth, she said that if I can do that I stand a good chance of getting her back, yet a few weeks ago it was getting rid of dad, she even told my nan that she will fight for me but it's him, she kept saying it's him.
If he turns up at my flat I will tell him to speak with my solicitor ( or phone the police), she has told me if he needs to contact me because he's forgotten something or whatever I must tell her, that way she can tell social care that is the reason why he was up there. I am kind of hoping he wont but I am going on the freedom programme in January, EPI never got back to me.
When I had my last psychological assessment I lacked empathy and I apparently was a chauvinist with an angry personality and this diagnosis was made within 15 minutes ( assessment was meant to last 90minutes) he never made any recommendations for support or anything. My capacity to change was pretty much the same as the psychological assessment, with no recommendations and no further help or support.
Social worker did say today that she understands that I believe my baby is just going to be adopted but she said I can't think like that and said they will look at all options but I have no friends or family that could take on the care if I can't. I just feel I wont get support from social care and after their assessments they will wash their hands on me.
I think they're disagreeing the mother and baby unit because the mother and baby foster placement failed last time. My solicitor did say the residential unit is more for as you've put the day to day care but my solicitor has said this could be further proof I am not in contact with baby's dad and would even obtain my phone records if necessary.

[honeybee1984]

I have received social workers core assessment today and it wasn't good, which she did say it is what it is.
It kept mentioning that I lied about being back with dad when in the placement with my 2nd daughter - I wasn't with him and they had no proof, I did write a pros and cons sheet about if we were to get back together, my councillor had advised me to write my thoughts and feelings down on paper and I was just feeling low this day and wondered if things would've been different if he had been there to take some of the burden off me. Then it was going on about how I stayed with him and even had another baby with him and went to great lengths to deceive professionals. It also states they think I will still plan on having a relationship with dad in secret.

It then goes on about what my childhood was like, what it was like to be parented from my previous assessments, which wasn't good. It also states that my only support will be my nan, so now I feel like my childhood means I can't parent my own baby which isn't fair, it's not my fault my child hood wasn't brilliant and also because I don't have much support, again this isn't my fault.

The other assessments mention how I struggled to meet my baby's emotional needs and even thought my 2nd daughter was deliberately not taking her bottle to 'get at me' which isn't true, I never said this at all. The contact sheets done by the foster carer at the placement were all but positive and she couldn't understand why they hadn't moved me on. Even when the placement broke down the supervisor at the contact centre reports were all but positive but what she said in court changed and was seen to be 'condoling' in the corner with social workers, as my barrister put it 'getting their story straight', this lady didn't like being taken to the stand.

So the fact I have separated from dad means nothing at all, they have split a family up, the fact I have been pro active means nothing, yet another baby being adopted, I swear I wasn't born to have a family.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Honeybee1984,

The social workers assessment will look at the

• History of their previous involvement with you and your children.
• It should also look at your babys needs,
• your parenting capacity-can you provide “good enough” and safe parenting
• The environment that you live in
• Your support network which includes friends and family.

You point out and describe how the previous assessments were negative.
However, that was that 7 years ago. You were much younger then and you have had time to mature. Since then you have undertaken courses and obtained support.
All this needs to be assessed. If there has been change-then you may have a chance to keep your baby.

In fact it now appears that the authorities believe that it was dad who carried out the physical abuse-not you-is that right?
If so, there may be more understanding as to why you were so deceptive-changing your name etc. Your solicitor is right. You need to be open and honest about why you were deceptive.

I think you need to fight and not give up now. You are already in a better situation than before. You have done courses and you are working with your solicitor.

However, I am worried that you are blaming children’s’ services for splitting up your family. Their job is to safeguard children and the law says they should keep families together where possible. If a child is at risk of serious harm then removal may be the only option.
When your baby was born-the only information children’s services had was the past history-which as you say was very negative.

Not only that, you were still with dad who was assessed as dangerous. If dad is not cooperating, then children services will continue to class him as dangerous as the last assessment.
So even if your assessment is positive, if they have any worries that dad is still in your life, this will prevent your baby coming back. That is why it is imperative that you do everything to engage with domestic violence services, allow monitoring of you by children services and keep your solicitor informed about everything as well as continuing to work with the social worker-even though her report is negative at the moment.

Friends and family network

Is there anyone in your network-even distant relatives who you may not have seen for years (and who may live abroad) but who may be able to be assessed?

Since the last time you went to court, there has been court cases that have given guidance to social workers about adoption.
An important case emphasises the importance of social workers (and the children’s guardian) of exploring in depth all the different possible connected people (friend and family carers) who could care for your baby before deciding on adoption.
Adoption has to be a last resort, only if nothing else will do.

Do not give up until all the assessments have been completed and you and any other person has been rules out.

Best wishes,
Suzie

[honeybee1984]

Hello suzie,

I had court today and the mother and baby unit was a great big fat no. The local authority want to do a parenting assessment, capacity to change and a psychiatric report, all of which are updated reports, my psychiatric assessment will be as early as next Tuesday which is good isn't it as my solicitor has said the sooner I have that the sooner we can work on the recommendations he has. This is the problem I have last time - no recommendations were made, it was just I displayed these tendencies and I can't look after my baby, my solicitor has said plenty of women have issues and still care for their children.
My other issue is my lack of support but I want to take my baby to sure starts and I have heard of gingerbread and there's home start too but how can I prove I will access these with my baby if she isn't with me?
I have started the parenting course and my solicitor is going to speak with her to see if there is any thing she can do around child protection with me in the course. I have the freedom project to go in January but my solicitor is concerned that is too far away as social care have to have their evidence in by December but whenever I try and do the butterfly project they aren't helpful because there currently isn't any domestic violence, it is the course I want to do to help me recognise a good man and a bad man in future relationships.
I will be totally honest with why I deceived professionals etc but it will still be a case of they will be confused as to why I didn't get out, why I continued with dad knowing what he had done in the past etc.......so I may as well kiss my baby goodbye.
There isn't anyone else that could care for my baby, I only speak to my nan and she would be too old and lets just say she has far too much clutter in her house. I don't have any friends, no one knows my circumstances and there is no one for dad either, he hasn't spoken to his family for years and he don't have no friends.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear honeybee1984

Thank you for giving an update of what happened at the hearing.

I can see that you are still very worried about how things might work out for you and your baby daughter. This is understandable because of what has happened in the past but you appear to have a very supportive solicitor who is working hard to help you put the best case forward to the court for your baby to be returned to your care.

At the moment, you seem to be doing all the right things and openness and honesty will be the best way for you to work with the social worker now. I suggest that you cooperate with the parenting assessment and try not to think negatively about the outcome. Children Services have to assess your ability to look after your baby and if you are able to show that you will protect your baby this will be really positive for you. You say you are worried about what they will think about you not separating from your baby’s father before. It is often the case that women remain in domestic abusive relationships for a long time, this can be through fear or because they do not feel able to end the relationship. It is to your credit that you have had to courage to end the relationship in order to put your child’s needs first. This shows that you will do what is necessary to protect her.

I understand that you are worried about what the Guardian says about you separating only because you have to but the important thing to concentrate on is that you have done so. This is a really big step for you. Please continue to build on this by engaging with the parenting assessment and the psychiatric assessment which I hope will be positive and make recommendations for any support you might need to ensure you can safely parent your baby in the future.

Please do read the information in our advice sheet about care proceedings which I have included here again for you. This will give you more information about how the court will make a final decision when all the evidence is considered at the final hearing.

You say you only speak to your Nan but if there is a possibility that any family member on your side or the baby’s father’s side think about if anyone could be approached who could be assessed. If a family member is willing to be assessed, should you not be able to care, and that person has a positive assessment then at least your baby would remain in the family. This suggestion, is only as a back-up position rather than saying you will definitely not be able to have your baby reunited with you.

I encourage you to try and remain positive and listen to the advice that you solicitor is giving you. It is clear from you post that you are prepared to do all you can to ensure your baby’s safety. As far as Sure Start and other services are concerned all you can do at the moment is to explain in your assessment that you would access all services available to you and your baby.

I hope you will find this helpful but if you do wish to speak to an Adviser, feel free to telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday, from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

Best wishes

Suzie

[honeybee1984]

Hello suzie,

No problem with the update. I am pretty sure I heard my solicitor mention something about discharging the order next time we're in court, she definitely mentioned something about discharging an order........
The fact the judge didn't dismiss the mum and baby unit is a good thing, the contact supervisor and my dv outreach worker said that was positive, the contact supervisors sheets are always so positive too, that I take on board advice, that I try my daughter with her dummy but realised quickly she didn't want it. She also mentioned how I was able to soothe her when she became distressed, it has been noted that I am being responsive to her in between feeds and sleeps.
I have given my social worker and solicitor my dv outreach workers number so they can speak with her about the work she's been doing and a letter for me saying how I have tried to get on the freedom project but unfortunately due to things beyond my control it doesn't start until January. I have also been in touch with home start and someone is going to come out and speak with me about what they can offer me if she comes home, they can also help in preparation of the home coming, so I will be giving the social worker their details too.
I have my psychiatric assessment on Tuesday 3rd, not sure what time yet but I was told I would here from my solicitor what time and where and I have a list of the questions/ what they want to find out he will be putting to me. I also have my first parenting assessment with the social worker on the 9th. I do just feel like this isn't going to be enough, no recommendation will be made and no support will be given.
With regards to the relationship, they will ask why I stayed with him when I got pregnant, why I even got back with him years ago like I did, I feel they wont believe my answers and be confused about my reasons/ answers. They always believed him over my, as I have said he was the blue eyed boy in their eyes. My solicitor said the same it is important to realise I have left the relationship now and have no intentions of going back and hope to receive the support to prevent this, which is what I am getting from my outreach worker and will from the freedom project.
As I have said there is no one able to care for my daughter, I only speak with my nan and dad had no one, no friends just like myself, I wish that there was someone who could put themselves forward but there isn't.
I told the social worker that I would attend mum and baby groups but how can I prove this if she isn't home? My solicitor has said I can prove this by attending contact and going to the groups and meeting with my dv worker and the parenting course I am doing that will prove I will seek groups etc if my baby was to come home.