Help

justiceisaright
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:20 am

Help

Postby justiceisaright » Mon May 04, 2015 1:38 pm

Hi there,

I am in need of advice and help. My children are currently in care under a section 20 and the LA has issued care proceedings against me. I have a solicitor, barrister and am due to have a psychological assessment.

My situation is complex to say the least.

On Dec 24th my children were taken into care due to an anonymous referral the night before stating that I had went out and got drunk leaving my 3 children at home by themselves by a neighbor through the nspcc. Social Services came the next day to respond to the referral and found 2 of my children ages 10 and 6 in the home alon while I went out to the shop to buy some Christmas food and cleaning supplies. My home was filthy mess with cat feaces in at least two area and almost every room messy with no room to walk. I am deeply regretful for letting the house get to this state.

The police arrested me for child neglect and I was take to be interviewed. During the interview Social service came in and had me sign a section 20 stating it was a 'medical consent' form. I was very emotional at the time and the criminal attorney told me to work with them. I had no idea what I was actually signing.

The first few weeks were very difficult as I only had one telephone contact with the children and no one from social services told me what was going on. Finally they arrange contact with the children 3 times a week for 1.5 hours.

they had a legal planning meeting and it was decided to issue care proceedings. I got a solicitor who did pro- bono for him for nearly 3 months before the LA finally made the application in the courts. After hearing stories of other peoples sitations I decided to contact my ex husband through his muslim sect by going down to the mosque and asking them to find him and telling them the situation. This was quite risky for me as I am a apostate muslim and my husband used to belong to a very orthodox muslim sect that is known for fundamentalism here in the uk. I felt that if I did not get the children back despite what he would say about me that at least the children would have a chance to escape from the horrors of foster care and be able to stay together as brothers and sisters.

Basically he is not saying that I was violent and verbally abusive during our marriage, have borderline personality disorder (which I was diagnosed with whilst being incarcerated and abused by him for ten months in a middle eastern country after he took my baby from my arms 2 days after giving birth to her, and that I refused contact between him and the children which is why he neglected them over the past 5 years and failed to maintain a relationship.

I have also found out that he divorced me abroad but never served me any papers or documents. During the last court case the judge did not believe my side of the story as I made a poor and histrionic witness capable of embellishments. During the court case my husband met and married his current wife and subsequently stopped contacting after the birth of a child by her. He never mentioned her in the caffcass report and failed to come to the next two court dates.

I feel so disheartened at the moment and the trauma of what happened in the middle east is coming back to me. I have never agreed with the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder that was made there as I felt it was based on my husbands lies and abuse of me at the time. He transferred all the available money from our joint account whilst at a hotel and I used the taxi service to take me to both the american and british embassies who told me their was nothing they could do as my husband had my eldest daughters passport. He forced me to go into a roach infested flat where he locked us in the home and never came to visit. When I protested over the phone he called the ambulance and police whilst at work stating I was going crazy and had to unlock he door. I explained to the ambulance driver my situation and pleaded for help who recommended I go to the hospital when we lived abroad had no help for domestic violence situations. When I got to the hospital my husband was going to have me committed by the police who believed him as he is a man and it was recommended that I voluntarily commit myself in the psychiatric ward.

(This was very difficult for me as I had been the subject of abuse before and quite fearful of psychiatric wards as a result.) However I went in whilst giving him the children to look after. During my short stay my husband would have meetings with the psychiatrists and tried to get me diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. (My husband is a doctor who has worked in prison systems and has a good degree of mental health experience in primary care a a result. He is now in charge of a team of psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, ectra in another country).

I was diagnosed with NO Mental Illness at this time and planned to release me from the psychiatric hospital. However in my country of birth a women can only be released if she has her male guardian with her and my husband refused to collect me from the hospital. I finally released myself as a result because I couldn't stay in that facility with a bunch of crazies any longer and walked home whilst pregnant in the hot sun after being given terrible directions by the psychiatrist. When I arrived back to the flat I was left outside in the hallway with no water, food and in extreme heat for almost 15 hours. My husband finally came and without a word to me unlocked the door to the flat and left.

I was deflated at this time. emotionally exhausted. and scared! I didn't see my children for two months after this where my husband would lock me in the flat at first until I had good behavior (i.e. not asking for help or fleeing). During this time I would see him maybe once or twice a week at the most and was subjected to severe abuse. The more I stopped protesting he would test me by leaving the door unlocked and even took me to the shops twice before finally allowing the children to visit me. Once I was able to get away from the house and went to the police station who called my husband and took me back to the flat again. He claimed in court in the uk that he was returning them to my care and the court believed him!

On that day I caused an argument because although I was behaving it was not because I was broken but because I was waiting for the right opportunity. As soon as I had my children back with me I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not putting up with this and the children were staying with me. He went to lock us all in the flat with no food however I stopped him by physically forcing him from the door where he hit me and caused a nosebleed. (the courts in his application to have the children returned back to our country believed his side of the story that I attacked him). I called the police hoping that this time they would see the bruises and finally do something but they didn't. Then I went to a specialist womens refuge in the country and begged on my hands and knees to help me. Reluctantly they allowed me and my children in however I was disgusted how they work with families. They would talk to the husband and return the women back to them in most cases. One women who was severely beaten daily by her husband and put her in hospital numerous times was also forced to go back to him. The foundation only tended to help women who were subject to trafficking and much more severe abuse we would think only happens in third world country and would make national headlines here in the uk. For marriages they worked on the basis of seeing the couple back together.

I saw a psychiatrist here at the foundation 2 time for 5 minutes who diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. I was flabbergasted! My husband was lieing to everyone stating that he lived with me the entire time and that I was delusional.

During my labour I was brought to the hospital and delivered our third child while I left the children with staff at the Womens refuge. Whilst in the hospital the staff told me we would be given back to my husband. They came to the hospital and forced me to go back to my husband despite my protests and uncontrollable sobbing. Shortly after they left he told me I would never win and he would take the children from me, then took the baby from my arms and walked out of the room screaming that I was trying to kill myself. I tried to chase him and get my baby back practically naked while staff stopped me and tried to restrain me. I fought with them and tried to push them off of me so I could get my baby from my husband.

The next thing I know I woke up in the psychiatric ward and as a result of my outburst and my husband lieing saying I was delusional and he had no intention of taking the children from me (as he was allowed in that culture to control his wife as he saw fit). They decided to keep the borderline personality disorder diagnosis.

At first my husband pretended as he always had that he wanted to make it work to professionals however he did not cooperate in any way or fulfill any of his agreements (such as taking the baby to the psychiatric ward so I could breastfeed her). I maintained the whole time that I did not want to be with him but no one cared about what I wanted to do! Then in Jan. he told the psychiatrist that he no longer wished to be with me and wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken because this meant that due to the diagnosis abroad he would automatically have custody of the children and I would be kicked out of the country at his whim. This happened in just 3 and half months into arriving into the country.

I came back to the uk with all my children and it was a miracle. He took me to court to have the children returned and although the judge believed his version of the story I was allowed custody of the children and to remain here. I have proof he lied during that court case.

I spent 1 year in a womens refuge here in the uk who supported me throughout and finally found a nice home in a good area to raise my children. They were made wards of the court so I was not allowed to leave the country and tbh I was quite scared of the courts after the last case and just got on with things. My ex husband stopped contact with them and failed to make the last 2 court dates so I tried not to cause him back in our lives by applying to live near my family in the states. Instead I stayed here in the uk on benefits at first and really struggled with money.

And after all that now my children are in care because of a stupid anonymous phone call and because I was working so hard, was mentally and physically exhausted by raising two children whilst running my own business and doing hard physical labour on a stipend income. Yes I left my house to become a disaster area and I chose to leave my two girls in the house on Christmas eve in order to go to the shops. And now my ex-husband is back saying that I am violent, verbally abusive, stating that before I married him I had a lot of problems, my first husband was abusive to me, my mother and me had constant arguments and that I committed burglary in another country. He claims that I have a recurrent history of suicidal tendencies by overdosing on medication because of the abuse by my ex husband and mother and several psychiatric hospilisations.

Now I have a psychological assessment and am scared shitless that my husbands smooth talking and ways of twisting the truth as well as the previous judgement where I was disbelieved by the judge about the abuse abroad will be used against me.

I am really in need of support by anyone who can give me words of advice to help me get through this very painful situation. I just want to see my children grow up to be healthy adults who don't have to ever go through what I have been through in my life. And I really do not want to see them in the foster care system where I believe their needs will not be met and they will not grow up with the moral values as well as suffer attachment issues later in life.









I contacted the police to report the psysical abuse hoping they would see the nosebleed and finally help me. They called my husband

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Help

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri May 08, 2015 12:26 pm

Dear justiceisaright

Welcome to the parents' discussion board. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through such difficulties with regards to the current care proceedings relating to your children and due to the issues involving your ex-husband.

Due to the complex nature of your circumstances, I do hope you are receiving the correct support at this time.

If you have not done so already, you may wish to contact : Rights of Women who have experience of supporting women in your situation. If you have concerns about your immediate safety, can I suggest you contact the police on 999.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes

Suzie


http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

justiceisaright
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:20 am

Re: Help

Postby justiceisaright » Sun May 10, 2015 7:13 pm

Hi there,

Thank you for replying.

However I don't quite follow your post as you told me to call the police but gave no suggestion why you thought I might need to do this? My original post was in relation to what happened over 6 years ago. Pehaps the mention of being in a psychiatric hospital has biased your response or concern in some regard about my mental health. I would like to make it very clear that my ex-husband had "tricked' me to go to a middle eastern country where he immediately started making claims to my mental health however had never done so in the 6 years of our marriage whilst living in England.

That should be significant evidence for anyone with any type of common sense would realize that, he as a medical professional, systematically abused me through the system. Something not unheard of in relation to severe domestic violence in varying degrees and forms. Nor should it be surprising given the nature of cultural factors womens rights, lack of a mental health Act, and the fact that men can commit their wives, through no fault of the womens, to mental institutions on their insistence in such countries. Not withstanding the language and cultural difficulties and being in a significant traumatic situation where I was being abused, tortured and controlled.

Since being in the uk for the past 6 years I have not had or needed any intervention from mental health professional. I have been heavily monitored first at a womens refuge for a year followed by living on my own and beng on a child in need plan (because of being isolated and financially distressed mainly), been on the caf after that ectra who would have recommended some support.

So with that explanation could you please tell me why you think I might need to contact the police and in what instance based on my first message?

And what do you mean in that you "do hope I am receiving the correct support" at this time? What type of support are you suggesting I may need?

With all due regards I thought this website is supposed to be helping parents with complex issues going through care proceedings with thousands passing through this site looking for assistance, support and advice. Or have the family rights group lost any sort of unbiased professional stance on issues because of a cultural bias and stigma of mental illness in our society?

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Help

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon May 11, 2015 6:34 pm

Hello justiceisaright

I apologise that my response to you on Friday was not clear. I can see that you felt unsupported and judged by what I posted and this was certainly not my intention.

When I referred to you receiving correct support, this was not intended to imply mental health services. Rather, I was very concerned about the level of domestic abuse you have previously suffered and the resulting trauma, which you referred to in your post. This is why I signposted you to Rights of Women, a women’s charity working to help women through the law via legal advice and information. Rights of Women offer specialist advice around family and criminal law and have legal expertise around issues related to domestic abuse.

You may also be able to access helpful support services from Women's Aid and/ or Refuge.

Similarly, when I advised that you call the police in relation to your safety, I was concerned about the potential risk posed to you by your abusive ex-husband. I did not intend to infer that you posed a risk to yourself as a result of your mental health and can only apologize again if my response came across in this way and/ or if I misunderstood your situation.

I included a link to our advice sheet about care proceedings in my last post. I would advise that you continue to work closely with your solicitor throughout the proceedings to ensure that you are doing all you can in the best interests of your case. In particular it is important that you acknowledge and address any concerns being raised by Children’s Services by, for example, ensuring that the issues with your house are sorted out, engaging with any assessments proposed by Children’s Services and drawing on any support that is available to you from your personal and professional networks. If relevant, you might suggest a Family Group Conference is arranged so that you and your support network can draw up a plan to reassure Children’s Services of the support that is available to you and the children.

Please do post back to let us know how things are going and if you have any further specific questions.

Best Wishes
Suzie
FRG Adviser

justiceisaright
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 1:20 am

Re: Help

Postby justiceisaright » Tue May 12, 2015 1:00 am

Hi there,

Thank you for your reply. I will be giving the rights for women group a buzz tomorrow. And have already had an FGC conference with respect to the concerns raised by the local authority.

The problem I have with the historic domestic violence is that a previous judgement disbelieved my version of events and therefore I was made out to be a liar surrounding most of my claims in an application made by my husband to return the children back to Qatar.

From my understanding this judgement and the cafcass report show that I negatively affected my childrens opinion of their father (parental alienation) and he is an upstanding person with a "Disneyland" perfect life. These previous judgements will not be revisited in the current care proceedings. In effect it means that my husband has not abused me in their opinion and therefore I am unable to get any help for the abuse as a result. Furthermore a psychological assessment will most likely find that as a result of the judgement being the yardstick to the truth that I may be delusional if I continue to claim domestic violence or seek help for it.

I have been advised not to say anything negative against my ex-husband as a result and must promote and encourage a better relationship with him and the children. My ex-husband is claiming that I alienated the children against him and that I stopped contact between him and the children. He claims he did not pursue this because he did not wish to stress me out and affect the care his children received by me. I disagree with these claims however have little evidence to prove otherwise and the caffcass report does not hold me in good stead.

I have also been advised that because my husband has never been shown to harm the children however I have "neglected" them that he will not be viewed as a risk however I am. We are waiting for the parental assessment to finish however given that the current Guardian is known to err on the side of caution as she is very experienced it is likely she will ask that the children remain in foster care until all the assessments can be completed.

I have paid 1400 up until this month and can just about get this money to my landlady however then I am completely depleted and will have nothing to live on as well as face eviction as a result. Any "bad" behavior my children exhibit as the result of stress in their displacement will be deemed as a result of the quality of care they received whilst living with me. So not only can I not deal with the severe abuse inflicted upon me previously and over the years by my ex-husband but also the effect his rejection has had on the children will also be blamed on a matter of probabilities on me for parental alienation.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I have been advised that these type of cases take a very long time and that it is unlikely the children will be returned to me at the management hearing. Quite honestly I will not be able to keep the home where me and the children have lived for the past 5 years and may become homeless as a result. Even if I worked 2 or 3 jobs I will not be able to earn enough to afford the rent.

My mother has been over here to help me and to supervise me however this will not be sustainable long term to keep the ability to give the children the quality of life they deserve as I no longer can claim tax credits, housing benefit, ectra. My mother is unable to work as she is from out of the country and therefore cannot earn any money which is stamped on her passport.

I also have to buy beds for the children on the slim chance, according to my legal team, that the children will be able to miraculously return home and that the Guardian is wise and experienced enough to see through my ex-husbands bullshit. Even if she does see through him, there is still the question of what underlying psychological factors contributed to the children entering into care. I also know she is concerned about "change" for the children as they have had quite a disruptive life.

I have been advised by my legal team that this is my fault and whatever happens will be laid at my door as a result including any negative consequences inflicted on the children as a result of being in care.

Given all of this I don't know what to do. I love them so much. I will never give up on them but I can't bear to see them fall into the system. All I have ever wanted for them, despite my own feelings, is for their father to take an active role in their lives. They deserve his love and attention just as his 3 children with his current wife. I don't give a toss what he did to me or how he feels about me... all I care about is that my children deserve a father who is committed to them and won't treat them as his possessions. That he won't turn his back on them or neglect their needs for his own and his other children or take his aggression against me out on them. Mostly likely because the legal profession in this country, as in many others, fails to see the sociological affects his behavior has on the children as their focus is on me and not him. I have been advised that all blame will be placed at my door. But the truth is I do have concerns that he is not as committed and can provide the children with the love and care I have despite being able to give them a lavish lifestyle. There are a lot of mitigating factors in my circumstances that are a result of him not taking an active role as a parent which will also not be visited.

So here I am hoping, writing on this site and hoping. It seems so unfair to these children who have had to see the struggles over the years. But despite all of it we have remained strong as a family with a lot of really great dynamics. And now it is just a matter of addressing those underlying issues that got us here in the first place. we need help and support to stay together as a family.

However I am currently not receiving any support to keep my family in tact and these proceedings are exacerbating the mitigating factors we were already facing. There is not much more I can do financially to stay afloat in order to meet everyones expectation to stay in the home plus maintain contact and transportation, meet the parental assessment, liase with my legal team, address my own anxieties, maintain my business in a very challenging and competitive field under already stressful circumstances, address any concerns in the psychological assessment and get through this with a brave face.

My ex-husband has painted a perfect picture to the courts and they are not concerned that it was him who refused to support his children. They don't even care that he divorced me without telling me nor are they checking to make sure the documents are authentic, they don't care that he refuses the children to leave the uk so we can go home although he lives half way around the world, they don't care that he has had 3 unstable marriages, they don't care that he has committed perjury in court, they don't care that he is a fundamentalist muslim who changes countries and jobs every few years because he has "high flying" career, and they don't care that he will and can move back to a muslim country which means I will never see my children. The courts do not seem to care how all of their decisions will affect the children by using me as a scapegoat in all that befalls them afterward.

The only hope we have is that some miracle of God happens and social services and the guardian give me a chance to redeem myself by returning the children as soon as possible. Otherwise our hope will be that one day they will come looking for me, that I will work hard to be prepared to support them when their older.



I really don't know how much one family can take.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Help

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue May 12, 2015 1:01 pm

Dear justiceisaright,

Thanks for your posting again. I just want to address some of the points that you have raised.

In relation to the care proceedings, yes it is important to listen to the legal advise that your legal team give you and act upon it.
Contrary to what you say, these proceedings do not take along time. In fact they will be over very quickly. Normally, care proceedings will be completed within 26 weeks. So at the end of the proceedings the court will know what court order it will be making for your children.
Either home to you, or to dad or to “connected people”. If there is no one in the friend and family network then long term foster care or adoption will be considered as a last resort.

Yes the papers from the earlier proceedings will be filed into the care proceedings. This will form part of the history and weight will be given to them accordingly.
However, as well as having attention to the past court decisions, the current parenting assessment will look at how things are now. That's what you have to concentrate on. Yourself and how you can meet your Children’s needs. Dad is in your past as far as you are concerned. You solicitor is right to ask you to not say anything negative about him.

The assessment will look at: Your children's needs? What is your parenting capacity to meet your children's needs? What's your environment like and what family and friend support do you have?
Is there any support that you might need to help you care for your children that should be taken into account? If there is any support that you need-can you get it within the time scales for your children?

I am worried that you are saying that you may not be able to attend all the assessment appointments. This is the very least you need to do. As well as attending all contact visits with your children.

If you have financial difficulties you must ask for an assessment for support to help you get to these assessment meetings. You should be able to get travel expenses if you need it. See our advice sheet about
contact. There is information about contact expenses.

The same goes with your accommodation. You need to get advice about accessing support. Have a look at our advice sheet about what happens to benefits when your children live away from home? This is just a starting point.

Please also think about getting more intensive support from our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

best wishes,
Suzie


Return to “Do you have a child in care?”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 4 guests