Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

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DJKWL
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jan 30, 2019 6:30 pm

Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by DJKWL » Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:13 am

I have 2 boys. A 6.5 year old and a 15 month old.
I have struggled openly with my 6.5 year old since he was 2 and his first childminder could not longer manage him. I am sure he has ADHD but we have never had an assessment. I openly admit I should have coped better at times. I have rang up health visitors so distressed over the years. I know as a parent, even the fact I couldn't cope is shamefull.
In 2016, we were sent on what we were led to believe was the evidenced based parenting course. 5 weeks into the course, I recieve a phone call to say space was available on the evidence base course, I flipped. We were instead on an enjoy parenting course. Until December 2018, no one could tell me how we ended up on the wrong course. Turns out the centre manager took it upon himself to send us on that course because I am dyslexic and he thought I might "struggle to comprehend the content of the evidence based course". I was so upset, I have a master's degree. I am dyslexic not lacking comprehension.
At the time I refused the evidence based course as I was pregnant with my second son, me and my partner both work and we were looking to get a house together.
Anyway, social services got back involved in October 2018. My eldest sons school have said so many lies. They made out until the referal, his behaviour at school was fine. I put in a data access request to the school and have evidence this was not the case. I just felt they didn't want to support us.
My son has been kicked out of school for now and is attending a PRU. when social services came around I was honest and said I shoved my son in his bed one night and I have swore from time to time. They make is sound like it is a daily occurance.
Due to their lies, I moved out my family home in December, leaving my partner with the boys. I was only seeing them supervised by my own choice to reduce any further accusations because I have been in fear their lies will cost me my job. Then how do I support my kids.
The eldest's behaviours became unbarable for my partner after I left. He was physically assaulting him. I know me leaving made the situation worse. I just don't understand why we have had to wait over 4 years for an ADHD assessment. My partner, who isn't the dad of the eldest biologically, but we have been together since he was 2 weeks old could also no longer cope. He asked for a volentary placement of the eldest. Social services refused saying the situation wasn't bad enough.
I took my son to a doctor 2 nights before they were taken and she said she felt he has ADHD or is on the Autistic spectrum. She was lovely and said due to out home life being 'chaotic', we probably won't be assessed. Our home life is chaotic at times because I struggle with my sons behaviours. I know it doesn't excuse my reactions at times.
Anyway. My partner rang up again asking for a volentary placement. The social worker said she would speak to her manager. Next thing they issue a care order for the eldest, we have to go court and they take both boys. Stating I am emotionally abusive.
My heart has been ripped to bits. My babies were taken 2 weeks ago and I really feel I have nothing left. How do you defend yourself from social services. I have recorded most of my engagements with them and they say I am just trying to pick fault. I don't feel this has anything to do with my boys. They don't like me. Mine and my partners 7 year relationship is in ruins. My baby started walking properly and I missed it. We can only see them 3 times a week for 1.5 hours in a contact centre, supervised.
I just feel we are fighting a losing battle. I want help with my eldest son.
Has anyone been through anything similar? I just feel like giving up. 4 years I have tried to get help with my son. Until I reach a breaking point, we get nothing. Then, because I used to use drugs, come from a broken home myself and have a diagnosis of depression, it feels they are using this to penalise me.
I still have a job at the moment because work have always know about my struggles with my eldest.
These 2 weeks have been like limbo. I feel so empty without my babies. Nothing feels worth it without them there.

DJKWL
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jan 30, 2019 6:30 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest. PLEASE READ AND ADVISE

Post by DJKWL » Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:36 am

Can i add that during this assessment I have been told I am intimidating. I admit I am outspoken but I don't think that should be used against me. I am a registered mental health nurse myself. I refuse to take antidepressants unless I feel to to low. And even then, just to get me over that feeling for a few weeks. I have not used drugs in 8 years and offered a drugs test but they haven't done one.
I refused a child In need plan as the only thing they were offering us was the evidence based parenting course. At the time, my son was already close to being expelled from school. I refused the January course as it was once a week from 09:30-11:30. Myself and my partner could not garentee the time off work. We have a mortgage and childcare costs to pay. I agreed to the March class that will be evenings. When I refused this course, I was informed I was being obstructive.
I didn't attend the child protection conference meeting. In heinsight I know this was a mistake but I felt so distraught. At first they got the wrong police record for my partner. He doesn't have one but they didn't amend that till they day of the conference. They had one for someone with the same name and who has a horiffic record for drugs and violence. I don't even understand how this happened.
My life is spiralling out of control. In contact, my eldest keeps asking if we have the help yet for him to come home. The pru are stating they haven't seen any bad behaviours. Adhd is so much more then that. I feel like we are being set up to fail and all I can do is sit back and watch my life fall apart.
My kids are my world. Ever since I fell pregnant with my eldest, I feel I have tried.
My partner said if I would have just accepted the child in need, we wouldn't be here.
It's all my fault. My heart hurts so bad. I just want my babies home and the support my eldest needs. He is so bright. It's just he is way to active.
I don't know how much longer I can keep going on. I know saying I want to give up is horiffic itself but I keep thinking Mayby this is all my fault and I am just in denial.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Feb 18, 2019 5:59 pm

Dear DJKWL,

Welcome to the Parents Forum and thank you for posting. I am one of the online advisers.

I am sorry for the delay in responding to your post. I understand that children services had asked that you leave the family home as they were worried you had physically abused your son as you were not coping with his behaviour. Things then escalated, when your partner could not cope either. This is set against you and dad not seeming to cooperate with children services and any support offered.
I am sorry to hear what has happened now-that your sons are in care and that there are care proceedings.

You will be entitled to legal aided solicitors to represent you. Have you instructed solicitors who specialise in public law proceedings- children law? The care proceedings should last 26 weeks.

As well as you, dad and local authority being parties to the care proceedings, your sons will be parties as well. They will have a cafcass guardian and a solicitor to act for them. See here about the role of the guardian.

During the care proceedings, Children services will need to prove the “threshold criteria”- that your sons have suffered or are likely to suffer “significant harm” caused by you or dad or your sons are beyond parental control.

If they do not prove the threshold criteria then your sons can return home.

If they do prove it or you agree it, then the next step for the court is to decide where your sons will live.

First, the court will consider whether your sons can return home to you and/or dad.

Second, if the parenting assessment says you are unable to give good enough and safe parenting-ie meet your son’s needs with support, then the court will look to place your sons with relatives or friends who will have been assessed as foster carers.

Third, if there is no one in your (or dad's) network who could care for the boys long term, then the local authority will look to place your children either in foster care or adoption. Adoption is the last resort, if nothing else will do.

Therefore, if you have not already done so, it is crucially important that you and dad speak to relatives and friends and see if any will put themselves forward to be assessed to parent your boys. They will be assessed at the same time that you and dad are being assessed, to avoid delay in planning for your children.

Has there been a family group conference? If not, it might not be too late to ask for one now.
An FGC can be used to look for support within your family to help you parent your sons. It can also be used to look within the extended network for people to parent your son’s if they cannot return home. Here is information about FGC’s and a film.

You say that your son has ADHD and has never been assessed for this.
As part of his care plan , there should be assessments of his heath, so you should get your solicitor to raise this concern with the local authority and the Guardian.

However, others, like the PRU are saying he is well behaved indicating that he may not have ADHD. What does the foster carer say?

You now have to turn things around. I mean by that- to work well, be cooperative and put your children at the centre of things. Can you reduce your hours at work to get an earlier assessment? The assessment of you and dad is very important as it will say indicate whether you need further support to be help you be parents.
Your post suggests that you and dad have not previously cooperated with children services assessment and offer of support. As you had been placed on an unsuitable course, so you did not attend. And you did not go to the child protection meetings. You have also refused to go on courses that interfere with your work.

Consider why you personally took this stand which has now led to care proceedings.
Were you wrongly advised? Or did you misunderstand the role of children services. You seem to suggest that it was all to do with your son’s mental health. But children services should have advised you it could be other factors.
Time is of the essence now. You have so little time to be assessed and then go on to get any support you might need (such as parenting support).
Go through the social workers statement and think how you can address everything about you, as mum, s/he has mentioned. Is the picture she gives of you accurate? What else can you do to help towards you sons coming home. Do you need a psychological or mental health assessment? Could you have an undiagnosed condition that needs treating?

You must go to every visit with your children unless you have a sick note from your GP. You need to cooperate and communicate with the social worker. If you are unsure about anything speak to your lawyer. Keep a diary of everything you so, every telephone call you make and support you seek.
Did you receive any earlier advice about the importance of cooperating with children services? Was there a PLO meeting or pre-proceedings process? You would have been entitled to legal advice at this time which might have avoided court proceedings.

Please read our advice sheet about care proceedings and FAQ’s .
Here are tips to help you work better with social workers.


Please post back if you have any questions or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.

Best wishes,

Suzie

DJKWL
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Jan 30, 2019 6:30 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by DJKWL » Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:18 pm

Thank you for your response. No they took us straight to court without a PLO. My partner asked for a volentary placement for my eldest again. The social worker said she would speak to her manager. Next thing she tells us we will be in court this week and they will be making an intrim care order for the eldest and a supervision order for the youngest. We get a phone call a couple of days later and they say we are due in court in half an hour. We arrive at court and they take both boys. No issues have ever been raised about the youngest.

My concern is there are so many fabrications by the social workers. We have been offered help over the years that never happened. My son has never been refered to senco or anyone. It's like no one has wanted to help us.
We can not afford to take unpaid leave to attend a day parenting course. We have a mortgage to pay for and I'm currently playing rent on 2 places due to moving out. I did not feel that safeguarding my families home should have resulted in me being called obstructive.
The social worker makes no effort to contact us. I have had to chase the independant review meeting date via my advocate. If I ring, she either doesn't pick up or hangs up the phone.
I could understand if we never asked for help. But we have asked to have my eldest assessed for over 4 years now.
I have dyslexia and dyspraxia myself so I know it is likely he might have something. I just feel like we been let down. Even during the assessment period I told the social workers time and time again how strained are home life was and they offered and did nothing.
I'm the strategy meeting minutes it said due to the risk to my son, he would need support over the Christmas and new year period. Social services offered and put into place nothing.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Feb 25, 2019 11:20 am

Dear DJKWL

Thank you for your further post and for clarifying how the situation escalated into care proceedings without a PLO process happening first. This must have been very stressful for you and your family. You also feel very strongly that you were not offered the help you needed and that your son has not been offered the right support.

You mention that you have an advocate. I hope they will be able to assist you in getting responses from the social worker and preparing for the boys’ Looked After Child review meeting. This advice sheet which sets out the duties on children’s services when children are in the care system may also help. Here are some helpful tips on working with an advocate too.

Now that you are in the court process you should have a solicitor to represent you and to give you specific advice on your situation. You might find these tips on working with a solicitor useful in helping you to get the most out of your appointments with your solicitor. It is important that you are clear about what the concerns are in relation to your youngest child too as it sounds as if you were not aware that children’s services were also worried about him which has resulted in him also being placed in foster care.

Please do consider the advice given in our earlier response too as it contains some important points and suggestions that may help you at this time.

With best wishes

Suzie

Cat
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Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 12:15 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by Cat » Sun Mar 03, 2019 12:43 pm

Hi DJ. My heart goes out to u lovely I genuinely hope it all gets good for u and your family. One thing if your lads havent got an advacate. Don't stop till you get them 1. Ask Susie if she can signpost u or get 1 of the team to help. Iam. Going to ask myself the same thing.
Ure story has so many similar things as mine it's just horrendous.. I really feel for u.. Xxx

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Social services took both my kids when we asked for a volentary placement for my eldest

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Mar 20, 2019 4:32 pm

Cat wrote: Sun Mar 03, 2019 12:43 pm Hi DJ. My heart goes out to u lovely I genuinely hope it all gets good for u and your family. One thing if your lads havent got an advacate. Don't stop till you get them 1. Ask Susie if she can signpost u or get 1 of the team to help. Iam. Going to ask myself the same thing.
Ure story has so many similar things as mine it's just horrendous.. I really feel for u.. Xxx
Dear Cat and DJKWL

With reference to advocacy for children National Youth Advocacy Service or Coram Voice are the organisations I would signpost you to.

I hope they are helpful

Best wishes

Suzie

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